Shyton United

1st July, 2013

1st July, 2013To prepare for Shyton United’s first ever Premier League campaign, the gaffer ordered his team back early for pre-season training and Juan was already hard at work sticking up posters of bikini-clad Spanish glamour models all over the walls of the training ground’s changing room.

Mystic was doing some Tai Chi mixed in with Jedi knight movements, whilst Tommy, K-Y and Li Bang did some more traditional stretching exercises. Juan was whispering to himself. I managed to stick my iPhone closer to him to pick up what he was saying. It was odd.

JUAN: Dip it into sugar then put it into the mouth.

It looked like Juan was salivating much like Homer Simpson did when thinking of food. I was disturbed.

Maury then walked in with an Arab-looking fellow who was wearing a headscarf and white attire. He looked like a sheikh. My deductions proved correct.

MAURY: Everybody, please welcome our billionaire new owner, Sheikh Abdullah Hassan XII.

Later I did some research (typing his name into Google, basically) into Sheikh Abdullah Hassan XII and discovered that he was a very wealthy individual, as most of them seem to be, and along with his family owned numerous companies including an airline, an energy business, hotels and a mysterious media company that I could find little information on except for one particular nugget which I’ll divulge later. He also had a reputation of being a playboy. At the time of publishing this book he had 4 wives, and had more children than Marlon Brando.

SHEIKH ABDULLAH: Please, don’t stop what you are doing, you naughty boys. I promise exciting times and...

Sheikh Abdullah turned to Maury with a look of shock upon his face.

SHEIKH ABDULLAH: We only have three players?

Maury shrugged. I would’ve expected that due diligence had been carried out and that this would be known. Still, with such an abundance of wealth it probably did not matter one jot. He could probably buy anyone.

SHEIKH ABDULLAH: ...And a magnificent new, complete team that meets the criteria of any 11-a-side league. This is a bold, new era! Viva the Shit...on!

Sheikh Abdullah inspected one of the posters featuring a glamour model.

SHEIKH ABDULLAH: I know this one. She is very bendy.

JUAN: Gigantic, mucho, mucho n*****s.

Afterwards I talked with Maury in his office at Creek Alley Stadium.

STANLEY: How can a local adult film company possibly sponsor Shyton United for 10 years at the tune of £100m?

MAURY: They’re a very successful adult film company. They have a website and even a f*******: page!

STANLEY: Isn’t Huge Jack Off Productions bankrolled by Hush Hush Enterprises, which is a subsidiary of Sheikh Abdullah’s OppressCo Holdings Ltd?

MAURY: They made 50 films last year.

STANLEY: It seems as though you’ve managed to sell the club from one dubious individual to yet another dubious individual.

MAURY: There is nothing at all dubious about Sheikh Abdullah.

STANLEY: His country has an appalling human rights’ record. Journalists and bloggers are heavily censored, and when they do speak out they’re routinely arrested and flogged. Women are treated as second-class citizens and are arrested if they drive.

MAURY: That’s not the Sheikh’s fault. What can he do? He himself has spoken out against many of these things but he’s just one little voice. Change is gradual except at Shyton United where with the Sheikh at the helm we shall make giant strides, mark my words.