Shyton United

2nd May, 2013

2nd May, 2013Two days before that most pivotal and important turn of events, I went to visit Tommy Gunn at his flat situated on a rundown council estate located in inner Shyton. There was graffiti on the walls, and the garage doors were spray-painted with words such as ‘I WOZ ’ERE… UN4TUNATELY’. Kids kicked an empty Coke can around in a car park where the best car was a red 95 Fiat Punto—good car.

Tommy’s flat was straight out of an IKEA catalogue (if everything in the catalogue was chipped or had dried red alphabet spaghetti over it), and had colourful plastic toys strewn everywhere. There were framed photos of a younger-looking Tommy on a sideboard. A couple of them showed him being arrested by the local constabulary—in one of said photos, he was giving a copper the finger whilst giving it large.

Tommy’s now 26, though by the thinning and receding hair on his noggin you’d think he was older. The temples of his head throbbed when he chewed gum or when he was trying to solve complex equations such as the amount of change he’d get from a quid when purchasing a pint of milk. There he sat sprawled, legs as wide apart as though he were visiting a gynaecologist, across a dirty white sofa in nothing other than his Union Jack British Bulldog boxers. Here’s a transcript of my interview:

STANLEY: You come from a broken home, is that right?

TOMMY: It was broke, so what? Windows, plumbing, fuses kept blowing.

STANLEY: I meant your family.

TOMMY: Bastard dad left us when I was a kiddie, so I had to make some bread anyway I could.

STANLEY: Could you shed some light on why you were first sent away?

TOMMY: Hang on, I’ll switch the light on.

STANLEY: No, no, I meant could you tell us what you were sent away for?

TOMMY: I stabbed my bastard uncle in the leg with a pocket knife cos he was eating my doughnut.

STANLEY: You’d been in and out of Shyton young offenders’ institute since you were eleven. It was whilst there that you were spotted by a Shyton United scout. Can you tell me about that?

TOMMY: Bren! Get me a cuppa! You want something, Stan?

STANLEY: I’m good, thanks.

BRENDA (shouting from the kitchen): Get it yerself! I’m feeding the kids.

TOMMY: Fuckin’ kids.

STANLEY: So, my question?

TOMMY: This is what happens when you get kids. Missus can’t even make you cups of tea. You got kids?

STANLEY: I had a vasectomy. How did it come about that Shyton United spotted you?

TOMMY: I was playing for Shyton’s Young Offenders’ youth team, and a scout, Funny John spotted us. By the following week I was on trial, then the week after being cleared, I was on a football trial, and by the end of that month I was in the match day squad.

STANLEY: Why’s he called Funny John?

TOMMY: Cos he’s a bit funny, innit? Always cracking jokes… like the one when he sits down and accidentally gets a c**k up his arse.

Tommy kept touching his hair just like that member of One Direction, Harry Styles when the lads appeared on James’ Corden’s Carpool Karaoke. What was that about?

STANLEY: You signed your first professional contract at 18. You’re now 26, never wanted to move?

TOMMY: Yeah... I mean, nah!

STANLEY: You’ve had numerous offers to join bigger clubs over the years and you’ve rebuffed every offer...

TOMMY: Yeah, I rebuffed them. If it wasn’t for United, I’d still be banged up. Owe them, innit?

STANLEY: It’s a bit surprising that with your club on the brink of promotion to the Premier League—the most lucrative and richest football league in the world—you still live on a council estate.

TOMMY: Team’s had to do it on a shoestring budget.

STANLEY: The other members of the squad own their own houses.

TOMMY: Well, cos I’m from Shyton I’ve had to represent and sacrifice.

BRENDA (from the kitchen): Dontcha listen to him! He’s a spineless coward that doesn’t have the balls to ask that Maury for a rise.

TOMMY: That does it.

Tommy disappeared from the lounge and into the kitchen, at which point there was the sound of a load of plates being smashed, as though they were recreating a Greek wedding. Bob and I headed away sharpish.

We then went to pay a visit to the managing director of Shyton United, Maury Git’a at his office at Creek Alley Stadium.

Maury’s office had a framed black and white photo on the wall that showed a muddy pitch with an old man and his dog watching classic Shyton United. It brought back memories. The black and white days of defenders ‘Prick’ Johnson and ‘Mental’ Jimmy, goalie ‘Potato’ Patrick, winger ‘Tricky’ Dixie and forward ‘Mahogany’ Dave. Maury Git’a wore a suit that looked Zara but spoke Burton. He had a late 80s five o’clock shadow and a mane of great silvery hair as ‘Father Ted’ was described in the episode, ‘A Christmassy Ted’. Maury was often referred to as ‘The Silver Ghost’ or ‘That Git with the Silvery Hair’.

MAURY: You see Stanley, unlike the town, the club’s founded on a sure financial footing. We think long-term. That’s why Tommy’s tied down to a 20-year contract.

STANLEY: Bit excessive?

MAURY: The contract is merely a reflection of our mutual admiration for each other. Thanks to my strategy of prudence, and under the magnificent stewardship of Sid Chesterton, I’m just a step away from achieving history.

STANLEY: If Shyton United does get promoted to the Premier League, which route will you go down? QPR’s, 2012-2013, go for broke—overspend on a load of past-it players and still get relegated or Derby’s, 2007-2008, hardly spend a penny and hope for the best but get relegated anyway with a record low points total?

MAURY: We shall probably follow Derby’s example but perhaps buy the odd exceptional player here or there, nothing too extravagant... And not get relegated! We shan’t become another Leeds, mark my words.