Shyton United

25th June, 2013

25th June, 2013I went out into Shyton town centre to grab a bite to eat. I had wanted to find out if food had gotten worse or better since I last ate out in Shyton back in 1993. As I was out I bumped into Joe Meek, dressed as always in his Shyton United top. He was gulping down a can of Shyton bitters.

JOE: This ain’t Spain. This ain’t the glamour of Madrid or Barcelona. How’s this Spanish fella gonna handle managing club like ours? It’s a whole kettle of other fish. Shyton fish. And Shyton fish ain’t like other fish. It ain’t for human consumption.

I could attest to that.

STANLEY: He’s won league titles, surely this shows Chen Hu’s intent?

JOE: I got my doubts. You sees what happened to Brum, and before that Man Citeh.

I took a couple of steps back, as his breath was making me drunk. Did passive drinking exist?

JOE: Stan, I just worry about club’s future.

On that note I thought it was time I visited Maury again, this time at his house. I took my 2008 Ford Focus hatchback in mint green and drove to Maury’s house, a charming cottage with a thatched roof out in the smoggy Shyton countryside. As I was on my way there I had my car radio tuned into the local Shyton news when I heard the announcement as read by local DJ, DJ Mike.

DJ MIKE: New Shyton United owner Chen Hu has been charged with corruption and fraud back in China.

STANLEY: Crikey!

I parked my 2008 Ford Focus hatchback in mint green with extra legroom and faux mahogany dashboard and proceeded up the winding path to Maury’s cottage. As I proceeded, a ‘Shyton Daily’ newspaper went flying past me, thrown by some hooligan newspaper boy, and landed on Maury’s doorstep. I picked up the newspaper and read the headline. ‘Scandal hits Shyton United’.

STANLEY: Indeed it has.

I made a mental note of the headline, then rang Maury’s doorbell. Maury showed me into his lounge, where numerous framed university and college certificates adorned the walls. They all bore Maury’s name. I tried to do a closer inspection of each, only for Maury to usher me away.

At a coffee table was a pot of tea. He poured me a cup. The tea was not good, and certainly a world away from the surprising good tea I was served at Tommy’s. I then presented Maury with ‘The Shyton Daily’. He tossed the paper aside.

STANLEY: How will these charges affect Shyton United?

MAURY: I wouldn’t worry about it. It’s just a misunderstanding. Mr Chen Hu is a billionaire, so naturally there are a lot of jealous people out there. I can guarantee you that Mr Chen Hu is one hundred per cent committed to Shyton United.

STANLEY: At the moment he’s being held in jail. How will he be able to run the club now?

MAURY: Well, he was never involved in the day-to-day running of Shyton United per se, he was more of a behind-the-scenes money man rather than a hands-on owner.

STANLEY: He seemed pretty hands-on from what I saw.

MAURY: Not at all. Nothing will change, mark my words. I prefer to look at the positives. We have a brand new manager, new team…

STANLEY: With Shinji dead you only have three first team players, and one of them, Li Bang, seems more preoccupied with breakdancing than football.

MAURY: Li Bang is and will be an incredible player. Mark my words.

STANLEY: You have to admit that things have got off to a pretty bad start.

MAURY: Sometimes you have to take the rough with the smooth. Take a battering from tsunami-like waves before it goes plain sailing. The foundations have been laid and Mr Chen Hu is in this for the long term.

Whilst Tommy was out I popped round to their place hoping to catch a quick word with Brenda. She opened the door with Luke in her arms.

BRENDA: What you want? Tommy ain’t here.

STANLEY: I know…

I could sense that Brenda was super pissed about Tommy’s new hair.

BRENDA: This is about Tommy’s f*****g hair, ain’t it?

I may have uttered a few grunts. She slammed the front door in my face regardless.