All You Need Is Love

Chapter 17

                                                                                 (Desire)

To get Jacari to let me leave his house before break is over , I tell him that my mom called and said that she wanted me to come home.

Before he gets to my house I ask can he take me by the store first.

I make sure he stays in the car while I go and buy 3 pregnancy test.

I hide them in the bag I had my clothes in so he won't see them.

For some reason it feels like the ride to my house is longer than usual.

"See you later Jacari." I say to him as I climb out of his car.

When I enter the house I thank god because Dennis isn't here.

But I know he's going to show up sooner or later and I'm just going to have to deal with whatever happens.

I walk into my room and head straight to the bathroom.

I take the test out of the bag and read the instructions.

Urine on the sticks.

Wait 5 minutes.

One line I'm not pregnant.

Two lines I am pregnant.

I sit on the toilet and do the instructions on all 3 test.

When I'm done I sit the test side by side on the sink.

Each minute feels like a hour to me.

I pace around the bathroom pulling at my hair.

When I finally think 5 minutes have gone by I pick up the first test.

2 lines.

My heart sinks.

I pick up the second test.

2 lines.

My stomach cringes.

I pick up the third test.

2 lines.

I run to the toilet and vomit.

When I get it all out I lay on the bathroom floor in the fetal position feeling so numb.

Why is this happening to me?

I'm not a bad person.

I don't deserve this.

For the first time in forever a break down.

I could probably fill the ocean with all of the tears I'm crying right now.

I can't let this happen.

I can't have this baby.

I have to get a abortion.

Just thinking about it makes me cry even harder.

I always said that I don't believe in abortions.

But now I understand the reason someone would want to get one.

I can't have Dennis' s baby.

I just can't.

I have to handle this now.

I slowly pull myself together.

I get up off of the floor and throw the 3 pregnancy test into the garbage.

I go to my room, grab my phone book, and sit my bed.

I overheard some girls at school talking one day about how they give free abortions to teens at the Women's Clinic.

I never thought the information would be useful to me though.

I look the number up and call it.

"Hello Women's Clinic. How may I help you" a woman asks.

"Um do yall do free abortions?" I ask.

"Yes sweetie would you like to schedule a appointment? "

"Yes ma'am" I say.

"Okay sweetie what's your name and age? "

I don't think I should give her my real name.

"Mary Simmons and 17" I say.

"Okay sweetie. That's all I really need. Your appointment is scheduled for January 5th" she says.

Great.

I'm killing my baby on my birthday.

As I ride the bus to the Women's Clinic it's like everywhere I turn there is a baby crying. It's like they all know what I'm on my way to do.

What makes this day even worst is that it's my birthday and Jacari's mother's birthday.

He really wanted me to go to her grave with him but I had to make up a lie to make this appointment.

He's always there for me without even knowing it but I can't even be there for him when he needs me the most.

I continue to be untruthful with him and I really hate it.

But when I get done with his appointment I'm going straight to his house.

Just like my mom Dennis has disappeared too.

Maybe he's looking for her.

So I don't have to worry about anyone or anything stopping me.

I just have to make this appointment.

It's crazy how I keep referring to this as appointment like I'm not about to go and take another human beings life.

I'm not even giving the child a chance.

But this is something that I'm just not strong enough to handle.

I can handle my own mother abandoning me.

I can even slightly handle getting used by her boyfriend.

But I can not and won't handle bringing into the world the baby of the man who is raping me.

I know this is selfish because it's not the baby's fault but I just can not do it.

I pull the string when the bus nears my stop.

As I'm stepping off I see and hear another baby crying.

I stare at the baby for a minute then walk the rest of the way to the Clinic.

I walk into the doors and feel the urge to turn around and run for my life.

As I look around it's like all I see are teenaged girls with the same facial expression I have.

How many lives are being terminated today?

I go to the front counter and a lady gives me a paper to fill out and tells me to wait for my name to be called.

I remember that they are going to be calling Mary Simmons instead of Desire Brooks because I gave them a fake name.

I go and sit down beside this girl who looks to be around my age.

She looks like she's about 4 or 5 months pregnant.

Probably here for a check up.

Suddenly a door swings open and a lady sticks here head out.

"Mary Simmons" she says.

I didn't even get a chance to calm down.

I didn't expect to get called so soon.

I get up from the seat and follow her into the back.

She leads me into a small room.

"Take  everything off and change into this." She says while handing me this gown.

I hand her the paper I was given to fill out then head into a small bathroom that is connected to the room.

I slowly strip out of my clothes and put on the gown.

Right now I'm trying not to think too much about what I'm doing or I might talk myself out of it.

I just have to get this done.

I go back into the room and climb on to the table stand.

"Hello, Miss Simmons. I am Doctor Carter and I will be performing your abortion. " she lady says dryly.

I nod.

I feel like I can feel her judging me.

But she doesn't know the whole story.

I really don't want to have to do this.

It breaks my heart that I feel like this is my only option.

But I don't see any other way out of it.

I'm just hoping and praying that god and this unborn child that never had a chance finds it in their hearts to forgive me.