Scarred Roses

Chapter one-the news

Beauty lay not in the thing, but in what the thing symbolized. Beautiful, insightful, cryptic. It’s what I seemed to think every time I read something by Hardy. But there were times where I struggled to understand. The quote came from Tess of the D'Urbervilles, a story about a girl, caught in the mutual love of a man they called angel, and a deadly love from a man they called Alec. It was obvious that the words meant something about inner beauty, but why should it apply to the story? What had Tess done to warrant such words?

“Hazel," Into my room came Audrey; dressed in a figure-hugging, lace camisole and a pair of tight, faded jeans.“Mum and dad want us downstairs early for dinner. They said they've got to talk to us about something important.”

“Did they say what it's about?”

“No, but they seemed really upset. I think…” Audrey looked puzzled, conflicted. “I think something bad has happened.”

“I hope it's not granddad,” I sighed, “Him and his heart condition…”

“I'm sure it won't be-they would've said something already if it was." Audrey's smile returned as she sauntered into my bedroom. “On the other hand, Viola's managed to get her hands on some blue-vines champagne. We'll all be sampling some tomorrow night in her parent's basement, so I need to figure out what to wear.”

I knew what that meant. 'Sampling the wine' usually meant a party; loud, energetic, drinking parties with lots of base-themed music and, more often than not, joints, provided by somebody with the right connections. Parties like this were where Audrey thrived the most; not with how much alcohol she could drink, but with how much they enjoyed her company. How they pandered, kissed her shoes just to hear her speak.

“But, why do you need my opinion?”

“Because you always seem to know what looks best on me,”She shrugged, the smile turning to playful in the change of her tone.“Come on, get your nose out of that book for a while.”

Well, I wasn't paying much attention to the book anymore, so I thought 'why not?, leaving the library copy on the foot of my bed as I followed Audrey down the hallway.

“I was stuck between two outfits. The indigo dress, and the silver. I want something that goes with the new heels I got from town the other day, but both of them go so well!”

The clothes she had, laid out on her lacy, white bed-spread were an indigo, satin mini-dress, scarily short on her tall figure, and a silver romper, cut off just above mid-thigh. Both would've accentuated her appealing, hourglass figure, both would’ve matched her flawless, porcelain skin, and both would’ve gone with the spiky, heeled boots she’d gotten on her employee discount at 'kicks'. But she could only wear one of them. And she wanted me to decide which.

“Hmm…both colors clash with your eyes, but the blue clashes the least, so go with that one. And you can wear leggings with it, for when mum and dad see.”

“Good point!" She grinned, picking up the indigo dress and hugging it to her chest with a girlish squeal. “You know, if you wanted, you could come with me. You'll have fun, and who knows? Fine wine might just agree with your palette.”

“Thank you, Audrey, but- “

“No thank you? Well, suit yourself. Perhaps you, Leo and Ingrid could have a little party of your own in the attic?”

“I doubt that. His brother Victor's back from London, remember?”

“Oh yeah-well, maybe I'll see him at the wine-tasting. Then again, he always had a preference for good liquor. And beer, for that matter.”

“He'll turn up-if there's anything Victor won't miss, it's a good party.”

Victor had been in London for the past two and a half years. I wasn't particularly close to him, being his younger brother's friend, but he was always friendly to Ingrid and me. And he usually hung around with Audrey and her friends more, as they were nearer his age and had similar interests. By that I, of course, meant parties. Everybody was curious to see him again, and admittedly, so was I. I just wanted to see if a degree in a high-ranking university had finally tamed his wild ways.

“Alright, so I'm wearing the indigo dress; should I wear the gold, hoop earrings as well?”

“No, wear the black and gold necklace-you know, the one looks Egyptian.”

“Oh, good idea. I haven't had a chance to wear it in ages.”

As Audrey wriggled into her party outfit, I sat back on her bed. Taking a brief look around her bedroom. Audrey’s room looked like a cross between a princess’s fortress, and every, typical, teenage bedroom there ever was. She'd managed to make her cheap drawers from IKEA look like genuine, varnished oak with years’ worth of care and cleanliness. The deep, blue carpets were decorated with soft, black shag-rugs that to this day, felt like heaven to walk upon, barefoot. And on the four-poster, white canopy bed was a pearl-white, lacy bedspread, frilled at the edges with half a dozen or so, puffy pillows, all arranged in perfect order. Her walls were adorned in posters of boy-bands and cover-girls of the past and present that inspired her. Pin-boards, clustered with pictures of her and me, her and her boyfriend Thomas, and all her friends. And above all, her dresser table was covered with every cosmetic imaginable. So much, only a small patch, the size of a thumbnail, of surface could be seen. She took pride in her room, and all her lovely things. Something I wished I could do, as well as she did.

“So? What do you think?" She twirled quickly, the skirt flaring in a perfect hoop around her thighs. “Does it look sexy?”

“Very appealing.” I agreed, halfheartedly. “I wonder what's for dinner tonight?”

“Very appealing?”She mocked slightly,“Come on Hazel, you're the artistic sister! What else is there? Does it set my eyes ablaze? Does it make me forever alluring in the eyes of men?”

“If you don't want the cliff-notes version then…”God, I was going to have to dig for this one. “It makes you look like midnight; your dress and hair are the sky, and your skin the stars.”

“Now that's more like it. As for dinner, I hope it's tuna bake. Mum makes a great tuna bake.”

As if she'd heard the very mention of food, mum had popped her head through Audrey's door, announcing that it was time for dinner. No smile, no soft tone of voice, as she usually had. In fact, there was something about her expression that gave away some inner pain. Audrey and I didn’t know what it was yet, or why they felt the need to wait until dinner to tell us, but we didn’t question her. After Audrey had changed back into her regular clothes, the two of us proceeded her downstairs.

A bowl of buttered potatoes, asparagus, and two lumps of corned beef sat on the dinner table, hot with steam and smelling just as delicious as it looked. Before the dishes were mum and dad; dad, holding her petite hands in his bigger, calloused ones. Not realizing yet that we were there, mum was visibly upset. Her expression hurt and withdrawn, her long, pale fingers clutching dad's hands for dear life. Oh mum, what was the matter? What could've happened to make you so sad?

“Oh! There you are.”Mum plastered on an obviously deceiving smile.“Well, sit down and help yourselves. There's something important we need to talk about.”

With some hesitance, Audrey and I took some fine slices of meat and a moderate serving of vegetables each. Slicing into the moist, pink beef, I waited with a heavy feeling in my stomach, for mum and dad to speak. They both looked to each other for a second-neither wanting to be the first to speak, for if they did, it'd break whatever sort of pain they were keeping at bay between themselves. Eventually, they did speak together. Using that odd sort of speech pattern which involved them taking turns per sentence.

“Yesterday evening, we both received some disturbing news.” Dad began, his eyes flitting between me and mum.

“Do you remember the Koster family? I was friends with Mira, and your father had known Christopher when he worked in London.”

“They were some of our closest friends.” Dad sighed, his composure slipping.

“This morning we had a call from Molly Harrowitz-my friend from high school. Mira and Christopher have…” Tears were rolling down her cheeks, her voice crumbling.

“They've passed away.” Dad finished for her, in a voice that took a lot of effort to be so calm. “Their daughter Alice too.”

Oh no…I remembered the Koster family. Back when we lived in London, they were as close as close could get with mum and dad. They even lived next door to us for just over a year. I…couldn't say much about their sons, but the parents and the daughter were kind enough. It was sad, and I felt bad for those who were close to them-especially mum and dad.

“We'll be driving to Surrey, first thing in the morning. It's where their funeral will be held.”

“But…there's something else we need to discuss with you two.”Dad's expression was more sobered now. Like he was suppressing the grief down, as deep as it could possibly go.“Mira and Christopher have two sons; the eldest, Erick, is in the U.S, taken up a job after his law degree. But their youngest son, Nicholas…”

Nicholas. Nicholas Pavel Koster. The name was still raw, still stuck, frozen in my throat, trying to get out. Only, my lips could never utter the name out loud. It was tabooed. My parents hadn't mentioned Nicholas in at least eight years. Though it was ten since it had actually happened. Why? Why were they bringing him up now?

“He's four months shy of graduating high school. After that, he'll be either in university, or working. They've contacted Erick, who'll be there for the funeral, but…”

“Erick can't bring him to America." Mum let out a heavy sigh.“Erick's working full-time, he lives in a duplex with two, others, and doesn't have anything nice to say about the schools there. Nicholas doesn't have any, other, living relatives, and so…”

“We were thinking, just thinking, of having him stay here. With us.”

Audrey held my hand under the table, the look she gave me told me she understood if I was upset. Outwardly, my expression hadn't changed. But inside…I was fighting every fiber in my body that urged me to scream. Nicholas, me, in the same house…No! No, no, no, no, no….

“He only has four months before he graduates!” Mum said,“And he's an excellent student, like you Hazel. He doesn't…he isn't the kind of boy he used to be. I'm sure of it.”

“And if anything were to happen, anything at all, it wouldn't go unpunished. It won't happen like last time.”

Coming at me were two, different voices. Mum's was positive, but desperate. Dad's was reasoning and assuring. They obviously wanted him to come here, before they would consult us. And how could I blame them? I knew how deceiving Nicholas could be. In front of the adults, he was the picture-perfect child. A face that was perfectly angelic, a smile that could charm itself into anybody's good-books, and the brain and athletic capabilities of a champion. It was amazing how quickly he could turn from angel to demon, once the adults had disappeared. His eyes would grow darker, colder, like ice, his smile would twist into a cruel sneer, and his movements would become almost animistic. If this praise was Nicholas's doing, then it made a lot of sense.

“Girls, he has nowhere else to go." Mum was pleading, fresh tears sprung into the corners of her eyes. She was begging us. But when dad sent her a warning look, she composed herself a little more.“But…the choice is up to you. We've agreed that we will have Nicholas on the condition that the two of you agree. Now, if this were any, other situation we wouldn't have him here. Hazel, we know how hard it's been on you…”

I shot her a begging look. Please mum, please don't make me think about it again!

“Which is why we want the two of you to decide. If it's no, then he'll go with the Harrowitz's. If it’s yes, then he'll live with us.”

“May we talk about this between ourselves first?" Audrey asked them in a strained voice.

“Of course, but I'm afraid we'll need your answer soon. We'll be going to the funeral tomorrow so we can give our final answer then.” Dad concluded.“We're sorry to have to rush you, but we just want to do the right thing. Do you understand?”

My plate was only half-empty, but I wasn't hungry anymore. I was afraid I’d be sick if I swallowed another bite. Taking my plate into the kitchen, I placed it into the veg drawer in the fridge before following Audrey into the conservatory. I had to speak to her first, ask her what she thought. It was hard to speak to mum and dad about Nicholas, but with Audrey it was different. She knew, better than anyone, how Nicholas had affected me.

“This is a mess," She sighed, as if the world's weight rested upon her shoulders.“What are we going to do? Obviously, he can't stay here. Not after all that's happened…”

“But, where else would he go?” I asked her, rather stupidly, I think.

“You heard mum and dad; he'll live with the Harrowitz's. They're good people, they'll take care of him just fine.”

“But…” Bile rose up within me, I forced it down. “It sounded as if mum and dad want him to come here. Could it really be that bad?”

“I…” Audrey hesitated this time, the thought obviously puzzling her too. “I don't know. Maybe they just aren't thinking clearly, that's it. They've just lost their friends; of course, the first thing they'd want to do is take care of their son! Maybe if we just let them go to the funeral, they'll come to their senses and realize how insane it sounds.”

“But what if they are thinking clearly?” I argued, “What if he really doesn't have anywhere else?”

“Hazel, you can't be serious!”

“Audrey, some bad things happened to me. An even worse thing has just happened to him. I might have some good reasons to hate him, but nobody deserves to lose their family like that. Nobody.”

“Hazel, be reasonable.” She pleaded, dropping down to sit beside me on the settee. Her fingers, ghosting towards the thick, white line, running down my collarbone. “You've spent ten years, fighting off the memory of him. I couldn't bear it to watch you in pain because he came back.”

“Yes Audrey, I spent ten years trying to forget. In that time, I've found other things to make me strong again. I found my friends, my photography, mum, dad and you. I have so much more than I did then; maybe that'll be enough this time. Enough to fight him.”

“And what if it isn't? What if he hasn't changed and you becoming his punching bag again?” She cupped my face in her warm, slim hand. Her slender fingers, stroking my cheek. “What if he tries to- “

“He won't.” I said, more firmly than I intended. “I won't let him, this time.”

“And what if I don't want him here?" Audrey argued back, “What if I can't stand to see his smug, little face, after everything he's done? What he did hurt this family, and I will never forgive him for it. So, don't ask me to Hazel, because I just can't!”

Audrey's hands balled into two, tight, white fists, her expression and voice poured out with anger and bitterness. Sometimes it would hurt me so much, I'd forget about how much it had hurt Audrey. She was my big sister, my protector. I was her confidante and she was mine. How must it have felt to see such a thing? To feel as if, for a few, painful minutes, that everything was falling apart? I might've felt generous enough to be considerate, but the decision was up to both of us. That meant Audrey would've had to agree too.

“Audrey,” I touched her shoulder. As we looked at one another, her anger began to fall, and was soon replaced by sadness. Throwing her arms, tight around me, burying her face into my shoulder. Placing a hand on each shoulder-blade, I let myself relax in her sisterly hug. The sweet jasmine she wore on her pulse-points lulled my senses and put me in a relaxing state of mind.

“I can't let him hurt you again,” She said, her voice growing small. “I can't and I won't.”

“I know, Audrey.” I rubbed her back gently.“But try to imagine how it must feel for him at the moment. He's lost his parents and his little sister in one day, on top of feeling the pressure to pass his exams, and he has no idea what's going to happen to him. As much as he hated me, he did love his family. I know I could never imagine how it would feel to lose all of you.”

“…Neither could I.” She admitted, “So, if we agree to this, the first thing we'd have to do is lay out some rules. He is to be civil to you and me, and if he ever harms you, in any way, you come straight to me, or mum and dad.”

“That sounds fair," I agreed, “But that can't extend to yelling. At least, not while he’s still grieving. I might not have been good at fending him off physically, but I can block out his talking.”

At least-I hoped I could.

“And you know that if he does do anything, mum and dad won't stand for it, right?”

“Of course, I do. I remembered how quickly they acted the last time.”

I let her hold me just a little longer, before we re-joined mum and dad in the kitchen. It was certainly going to be a hard answer to give, but when it came down to it, neither of us could be heartless enough to turn him away when he needed support the most.

“We've made up our minds.” Audrey stated, “If you want Nicholas to come and live here, we have no objection.”

“Darlings, do you mean it?” Mum asked, desperateness in her voice.

“We do, mum.” I answered, trying to keep my voice from quivering. “He'll stay with us.”

“Oh, thank you!” Mum cried, running over to envelope us both in a hug. “We'll be twice as careful this time, I promise. And if anything happens, anything at all- “

“We'll come straight to you.” I finished, “We will, I promise.”

We all left the kitchen eventually. Mum and dad lingered in the living room to watch some late-night TV, trying vainly, to keep their minds off their recent tragedy. Audrey had taken claimed the bathroom for a solid hour of decompression, which usually meant a hot bubble-bath, with all the fixings. And I was in my bedroom, getting ready to go to sleep. My teeth were clean, my hair was brushed out, the pressure from my ponytail making a noticeable kink around my ears and the back of my head. Nothing out of the ordinary, I thought with a shrug. Unless I straightened it, my hair could never fall into a perfect bob-cut.

As I crawled into bed, I thought briefly of trying to get through another, few pages of Tess of the D'Urbervilles, but decided to leave the book. I was too distracted in my own thoughts to be able to concentrate on somebody else's. Nicholas Koster: the name had been embedded into my mind, since the first time I set eyes on him. The boy who's face, voice, name, and ultimately existence, I tried to forget. But no amount of praying and deluding myself could make the memory of him false. He took me, pulled me apart, and put me back together, just so he could do it all over again. And now he was coming back. Now I would have to confront the monster I'd left behind in my childhood.

{}

It was always this dream, the same dream. They started almost immediately after the incident had occurred; when enough time had passed for me to remember every detail of what happened. The smell of burning kindling in the air, the almost white, clouded sky, with just a tinge of grey. The dampness of the grass, and the mucky-brown puddles that filled the uneven dips in the ground. Everything I'd touched, seen, smelt and heard was there, as if I were reliving the memory in a time-loop.

Mum had sent me into dad's shed to go and get some potatoes. She'd ordered a big sack of fresh, earthy ones that arrived just this morning, so tonight she was making hot chips with them. I walked to the shed with caution, my heart thumping quick and panicky. Every step I took was a careful one, a fearful one. I had to watch out for monsters; they seemed drawn to me from all nooks and crannies, especially now.

I should've expected him to be there, hiding, and I should've done something more. I should've asked Audrey to come with me, or tell mum I had trouble getting the shed door open. So, in some extensive way, it was my own stupid fault. I went out alone, he found me, and like the primitive beast he often pretended to be, he caught me. One arm, locked around my front to keep me from struggling, and the other hand, clamped shut over my mouth to keep me from screaming. I knew he was angry with me; if he ever found out what I did, there'd be a punishment for me. A punishment worse than the punches, the back-hands, the kicks and the scratches. He used to gloat about this punishment, never really telling me what it was, just that it would feel especially good for him.

Behind the shed, he half-carried me, half-dragged me. Away from plain sight, so he could carry out his punishment properly. Wrestling me down, straddling me to the cold, unwelcoming earth, making every futile attempt at escaping him completely useless. Looking up at that mean, grubby face, I could tell, straight away that he knew. He knew I'd broken the most important rule he'd given me about his abuse.

“P-Please, please let me go! I didn't mean to, I- “

“You told her!” He snarled, “You squealed about everything, you b***h! Now she's going to tell. I'll make you pay for it. I'll punish you so bad, you'll never forget!”

His stubby, dirty hands went straight for my throat. Wrapping around my little neck and squeezing, squeezing, squeezing. Putting his weight into his arms to add to the pressure. It hurt, hurt more than his punches or backhands. At least with those, the blows only lasted a couple of seconds. The strangling, however, wasn’t just about the physical pain. It was having each, passing breath squeezed from your lungs, like juice from an orange. The more that was extracted, the less wholesome it suddenly was. That was how I felt, lying there like some lame, pathetic worm. I never thought much of myself to begin with, but as he literally squeezed the life out of me, I was feeling less like a person and more like an empty shell.

“Hazel!” There was a voice calling me. Her voice, Audrey's voice. She sounded so far away, it was as if my mind was playing tricks on me. “Hazel!”

His grip was slipping-I was slipping. I was going somewhere else, somewhere nice and warm, where the painful things like his touch and his words were non-existent.

“Hazel, Hazel, Hazel! Wake up!”

I shot up; sweat clung to my skin and drenched the cotton of my night-gown, the air that touched my bare arms giving me an immense relief. It was just a dream! I told myself. Just a dream, just a dream, just a stupid, silly dream.

“Jesus Christ Hazel, are you alright?” It was Audrey calling me; only, she wasn't in my dream. She was sitting in front of me, clad in her bright-pink, satin night-dress. Her hands held my shoulders, and as the moonlight that peeped through the closed curtains washed over her face, I could see how worried she was.

“Oh-I'm fine. Did something happen? Did I fall out of bed and wake you?”

“Hazel, don't even bother lying to me. You were screaming in your sleep! At first, I thought you might've fallen but then I heard you say his name…we'll talk to mum and dad before they go. Tell them it's a bad idea- “

“No. We've already agreed to have him here, so what's the point of upsetting them over some stupid dream?”

“It's not the dream, it's what happened in it! I was there, Hazel! I saw what he was doing to you. And you're just going to let mum and dad invite him into our home?”

“I trust their judgement; if they say that he's changed, shouldn't we believe them?”

For once, Audrey didn't say anything. She liked to be right, but she could acknowledge when she wasn't. Right now, as a look of skepticism crossed over her face, was one of those times.

“Why are you so…forgiving? No, I don't mean it like that, but Hazel, he nearly killed you! And you're just going to let him live here because mum and dad want it?”

“Audrey,” I sighed, this time with a grain of bitterness. “I might be willing to let him live under the same roof as me, but I will never forgive him for what he did. And, why should I? Because I told you everything he did? Because it happened over ten years ago? I couldn't let him go and live with a family he doesn't know at a time where he needs people who care about him, more than ever. Mum and dad can make him feel loved, they can help him, and you heard what they said; his own brother wouldn't even take him in. Even if I do hate him, I couldn't let mum and dad deny him a home. It's not fair.”

“It's not you.” Audrey touched my cheek, her palm like a silky caress against my skin. “I like that you're kind, really. I sometimes wish I could be as kind as you.”

“Well, kindness makes a weak shield.” I mumbled, a thought that probably should've stayed private. But it didn't matter if Audrey heard it; I told her everything.

“Come on,” Audrey pulled the corner of the duvet back so she could crawl under it. “We should get some sleep.”

“You don't have to stay,” I said to her, “I'll be fine.”

“But I want to stay. Your bed is nice and warm already, and I don't really want to sleep alone.”

Lying face-to-face, she put her arms around me. Pushing my face into the hollow of her neck, where her face tucked into my hair in a perfect curve. Anybody who'd seen us would've said this sisterly habit of ours was far, too childish, but it was something we both needed from time-to-time. I needed to remember that my big sister was always there to hold me after my nightmares came to drag me under, and she needed to know that her little sister would always be on her side when there was conflict in her life. We rarely fought, but when we did it was resolved in no time. Audrey was the best comfort I could ever have, and not even the arrival of an old enemy could get between us.