Scarred Roses

Chapter 10 part 1-a question of loyalty

I remember saying to myself a while ago that I wished things didn’t have to change. I wished that my friends would remain the same, old chums, that my parents would always be kind, supportive and playful in their banter, and that nothing would ever get between myself and Audrey. I made that wish when I thought it was entirely possible for things to stay as they were, forever. But as the days passed, and those days became weeks, I found that wish growing farther and farther away from reality. Things were changing, and I’d be lying if I said those changes were bad. Because of Nick being here, because of us, becoming close, I was beginning to like this sort of change. It felt…right, somehow. Natural. And who was I to question mother-nature when she was at work?

Over the past week, we’ve just talked. After school, we’d walk to Lilac Park together, homework to be conquered equally between us, and after that was done, we’d jabber on about almost anything. Movies we’d seen, foods we liked and disliked, even what we’d do if we were in a circus! The more I talked to him, the more I began to realise that he wasn’t just my bully. I don’t think he ever wanted to be to begin with. He was sad and angry, and he had nobody to talk to. Well-nobody who would just listen, rather than talk at him. I suppose we had that in common. It just surprised me that it took this long for us to actually talk about it! Rather than dance around the question like we’d always done. It just felt…easy, with him. Easy to open up, easy to give him an honest, unfiltered answer.

“Have you ever seen that movie, ‘Little shop of horrors’?” I was beginning to get used to his out-of-the-blue questions. It was kind of refreshing, to be challenged like that.

“I’ve heard of it-haven’t seen it yet.” I said, putting away my English worksheets. All of which were scribbled on with notes and little doodles. The actual answers being on some refill leaves, tucked in between the stack. “My parents talked about seeing it once at a revival show.”

“Revival?”

“You know, those cinema-houses that replay old classics on the big-screen, for their dedicated fans? We’ve got one here, in Derby.”

“No kidding,” He chuckled, “What kind of movies do they play?”

“I don’t know if they’d be your kind of films. Devil girl from mars, The postman always ring twice, Freaks…”

“Are you kidding? Freaks is one of my favourites. Sure, some of the acting is sub-par, but the stories really good.”

“Wow. I never thought I’d meet a popular guy who actually has decent taste in movies.”

“And I never thought I’d meet a shy nerd who has decent taste in movies. Or one who hasn’t seen ‘Little shop of horrors’ for that matter.” He smirked, shrugging off his school blazer. “We should rent it out and watch it. Make it something to do this weekend.”

“It sounds good-but I thought you’d be more of a downloading-type.”

“No-there’s something much, more authentic about renting a DVD, rather than downloading it.” He said, “What if you only want to watch it once? Or if you do download, and you don’t like the movie, then you’re stuck with it and all those lost gigabytes would’ve been for nothing.”

Before I could retort, he pulled the tail of his shirt out from beneath the waistline of his trousers. Lifting it up, over his head, then dumping it, along with the undershirt, onto the ground beside his rucksack. I tried to think of something I could’ve said, but the sight of his naked torso…damnit, why couldn’t I speak?! Why is it the mere glimpse of a half-bare boy had me melting, like a puddle of melted, drooping nothing?

“Sunbathing,” He explained, adjusting his rucksack to act as a pillow. “Thought I might as well make the most of this crazy heat, before it dies down.”

I was glad he was facing the grass. That way, he couldn’t see the beetroot-like blush that graced nearly my entire face. Suppose he knew the kind of affect he was having on me? Maybe he was doing it on purpose. Why? To get a reaction out of me, to see if I’d just succumb to the melted-pool, drippy, teenage girl fate? If that was the case, then it wasn’t very funny. I might not share the same fascination with boys as most girls do, but I was still a full-functioning female. And very recently, I found that there could be such a thing as just admiring a man’s physique, and not entirely the man. Audrey’s logic, not mine.

“Does it…make you uncomfortable?” He asked me, fixing me with an unnameable stare. “Me, taking off my clothes?”

“It’s not like you’re naked or anything,” Oh god, Hazel! Don’t say that! “And besides, all you’re doing is sunbathing.”

“I know, but…well, I don’t expect you to tell me what happened with Trevor, but I know that everyone has different triggers-you know, things that make them scared or uncomfortable.”

“I know what you’re talking about,” All those stupid, juvenile thoughts of his naked back and chest disappeared when he mentioned that boy’s name. “Most of the triggers have gone-or at least, gotten better. I used to get that way if people touched me; just brushing my arm when we walked, or if I accidently bumped into them. I don’t know what it was that bad, but at the time, it didn’t matter who’s hands they were. They just felt like his hands.”

“Hazel…did I ever do that?”

“Do what?”

“Did I ever set off any triggers?”

“Oh…surprisingly, no.” I answered with honesty. “You were a different matter altogether. I can’t really explain it without opening up a can of worms, but you just brought back memories about you-you never triggered Trevor-well, not until that incident at The Square.”

“Again, I’m sorry about that.” He laughed, albeit very awkwardly. “I was an asshole-there’s not really any, other word for it. If it’s any sort of consolation, the guy really was a jerk. Very smug all the time, as if he himself believed that he deserved nothing more than the best out of life. I never really liked people like that-those who believed they should have everything handed to them on a silver platter. The people who earn what they’re given get the most fun out of life.”

“Very profound, Mr. Koster,” I complimented, changing my position so that I was lain, face up, beside him in the soft, warm, bed of grass. “I can tell you one thing about him; he did hold a lot of power. I didn’t know him personally, but at our school, he was like some sort of king. All the girls loved him, swooned over his classic, good looks. But it wasn’t just that, he had this…charm. He was very good at talking to people, making them do what he wanted. He was the kind of boy who could make a person feel like they were the most important being in the world to him, just for a short moment. And then it’s not until they’re deep, under his spell, do they realise they’ve even fallen for it.”

“I did wonder how Shantell Travers and her chronies were so defensive of him,” he mused, toying a blade of grass idly between his fingers. “How long was he at the school?”

“He was in the year above Audrey; he left for University after Christmas that year, and he never came back. Well…not until recently.”

“Well,” He didn’t know what else to say. A rare occurrence, it seemed, where Nick Koster was rendered speechless. Temporarily, of course. “I’m glad he’s gone again. At least this way, you can go out and not have to worry about seeing him.”

“True. In all honesty though, I don’t think some silly, Halloween party is really his style. I, on the other hand, find dressing up in silly costumes to be quite entertaining.”

“What were you thinking of going as?” I hoped this wasn’t leading to another discussion about zebra-print briefs.

“I don’t know yet…maybe a witch or Snow White-I’ll see if Audrey can help me with a costume. She’s actually pretty good at that sort of thing.”

“What, witchcraft?” He sniggered.

“You know it’s not that. She’s actually the one who altered your uniform!”

“I thought your mother did that,”

“No-she just took the measurements and handed it over to Audrey.”

“I never would’ve thought-Audrey Kazia does have a talent that isn’t superficial.”

“She’s not superficial.”

“Come on Hazel, you know it just as well as I do. Audrey was always vain-nothing else to it.” He shrugged, “She was a vain then, little girl, and she’s a vain woman now.”

“There’s a difference between being vain and caring about your appearance!” I shot back, “And she cares about much more than that- “

“Like what? You?” He scoffed, looking at me as if I was convinced that chickens could fly. “She smothers you. She drags you around with her like some accessory and you just let her! And when somebody tries to take her pet away, she digs her claws in.”

“How can you speak about her that way?” It was difficult to pinpoint when this innocent conversation had turned into an argument, but the tension was different, for sure. “You barely even know her!”

“You see, that’s where you’re wrong, Hazel.” He smirked, pushing himself up, into a sitting position. “I’ve been watching her for a long time now; trying to mark the differences between you and her. You go to school, you work hard at what you do-she works at a shoe shop and mucks about at home with a pair of scissors. You don’t even look at guys-she goes through them like different pairs of underwear. You’re overly-careful, she’s never careful enough. You never leave your comfort zone, she ventures too, far out for her own safety. You keep very few friends, by they’re all loyal to you-she has too many friends who don’t even bother to call in the next day and ask if she’s alright. You’ve got your head in the game, and she doesn’t even know what she wants out of life. You couldn’t be more different if you tried.”

“I don’t want to have to argue with you, Nick.” I said, although it was so, damned tempting! “If you want me to insult Audrey somehow then it’s not going to work. She’s my big sister and my best friend; I won’t badmouth her because of what you think.”

“Then how will you ever know what it’s like to be free of her?” Stop! I screamed, internally. I couldn’t and wouldn’t agree with him on this. “You’re wrapped so tightly around her finger that you can’t see her for what she is.”

“That’s enough!” I snapped, sitting straight-up. “I told you, I wasn’t going to badmouth her. I am willing to compromise some things about myself Nick, but my relationship with Audrey will never be one of them.”

I was getting up, ready to leave. I don’t know why he was so keen to start an argument, but I wanted no part in it. All I came here to do was get my work done and enjoy a nice conversation with somebody. Clearly, Nick had other ideas. That wasn’t important. Right now, I needed to get out of here before I let him say anything more.

“Hazel! Hazel, wait!” He was following me. Why? Who knows?

“Nick, if the only reason you came here with me today was to make me talk about Audrey behind her back, then you shouldn’t have done that. I will never backstab my own sister; not now, not ever.”

“I know you won’t…I just, I had to make sure.” He sighed. Wait-making sure? Was he…testing me, somehow?

“So, you tried to trick me into badmouthing the only person who’s ever understood?! Why would you do that?” Losing control of a temper I’d kept so tightly controlled was still new to me. But even as I spoke, I could understand why it came so naturally to people like Audrey and Nick. When they knew how they felt, and how they saw things, the words matched their thoughts naturally. “When I felt scared and frightened and alone, it was Audrey who held me and told me it was all okay. When everybody stared and me and talked about me as if I were invisible, it was Audrey who told them to mind their own business. When all I wanted was to disappear completely, it was Audrey who told me that I deserved to have a life of my own. It was never my parents, or my friends; it was my sister! So don’t you dare tell me that she is holding me back, because if it wasn’t for her, I honestly don’t think I could like what would become of me.”

I’d been honest with him before this. I told him about parts of my past, about my friends, and even about the person I’d be from the past, if I could choose. None of that, however, compared to this. To blurting out my biggest insecurity to the boy I used to fear. It was true that I could never be fully satisfied with the girl I’d become since the incident, but it was a secret I’d kept, so closely guarded, that even Audrey didn’t know the extent of it. And now? Now I’d just blurted it to Nick. What was wrong with me?

“Hazel…”

“What? What is it?”

“I’m…sorry.” He was much closer to me now. So close, I could have reached out and touched him. “I wanted to test you. We’ve been getting along really well lately, and I guess I just had to make sure it wasn’t fake like the rest.”

“What do you mean, fake?”

“I’ve known a lot of liars, Hazel.” He said, eyes filled, to the brim, of regretful memories. “People who pretend to be real and good, and they never are. And then, I’ve been hanging out with you, and you seem…different to them, somehow. You trust people so blindly, you let me into your good books after everything I’ve done to you, and even when I push all my personal s**t onto you, you don’t talk at me, telling me what I should do, how I should feel, you just…listen. So I thought if I just tested you somehow, I could make sure you weren’t just another fake. I thought if that loyalty slipped for a second…but it never did. Nothing I could’ve said would convince you to doubt your sister.”

“And it never will,” I felt disgusted in him, but at the same time, I felt sorry for him. How many fakes had it taken for him to question everybody that came into his life? “Nick, I want to be your friend. Despite everything that you’ve done to me, everything you’ve said, I still want to be friends with you. Shouldn’t that mean something?”

“It should, and it does. But Hazel, you have no reason to trust me! You’ve got everything to gain by using me, and I’ve got everything to lose.”

“Nick, I am not that kind of person-I’ve known those kind of people, I’ve been hurt by those kinds of people. I…I hope you would’ve known that by now.”

I turned around, wanting to leave and forget this all happened. I wanted to make the steps, and yet my feet were frozen. Something about this, him, was keeping me from leaving. The quiet, little voice that didn’t tell me why I ought to stay; only that it was important to the both of us.

“Hazel,” I felt his hand, engulfing mine. Tugging me gently, back in his direction. I looked up at him, questioningly, wanting to know what he had to say next. But he didn’t say anything. He acted. He put his arms around my body and crushed me, flat against his.

His arms were enclosed, carefully around me, as if he were holding an infant. For a moment I just stood; motionless, with my arms to my sides. He was…hugging me? Why was he hugging me?! Boys don’t hug me; not boys like Nick, who could have his pick of any, beautiful girl in the entire school. Girls who could be just as kind as I was, given the chance. Hell, even Margaret Ottoman would’ve been a more obvious choice than me! So…should I consider myself lucky? I didn’t know. To me, Nick wasn’t this fantastic, model of high-school royalty; I’d known him too well to be deceived by the rose-tinted illusion. Maybe…maybe that was exactly why it fit, somehow. We knew each other in a way nobody else could-whether I liked it or not.

It took me a few seconds before I finally responded. But as I carefully slid my arms around his sun-kissed neck, I felt an instant respond to my touch. His face, dipping down into the crook of my neck, then disappearing as he buried himself there, hunching slightly, just to get in deeper. It felt different, having him so closely against my skin. His nose, pressed tightly against my pulse. His breath, making little hot-spots on my collarbone. He was relaxed like this; as if my body alone was some sort of miraculous comfort. And I had to admit, the feeling was quite mutual. Being so willingly in his arms felt so natural to me, it never occurred that this might seem crazy or dangerous in the eyes of others. But, to hell with them. They weren’t here; they couldn’t tell us it was wrong, when it really did feel right.

We had to come apart eventually, and seeing no other way, I withdrew his face from my neck. Our eyes found one another; icy blue on warm hazel. Thinking, analysing, trying to decipher all the hidden meanings behind what had just happened.

“We should go home,” I murmured, lowering my face so that he couldn’t see my face, turning scarlet. “My parents get worried if I’m out here too long.”

“I know,” He replied, apparently avoiding my gaze as well. “I’ll walk with you-there’s not much point in me being alone here.”

“You should probably put your shirt back on first,” I muttered, feeling my face grow even redder as I took a one-second glimpse at his apparently bare torso, and those abs…stop it! “You might just give them a heart-attack.”

“We wouldn’t want that now, would we?” He chuckled, smirking as he went over to pick it up. “I hope dinner’s ready soon, because I’m starving.”

Dinner was ready when we got back, sure enough, and it was one of his favourites. Lasagne. Audrey still eyed Nick with some obvious hostility, but it was easier to deal with, now that the dust was beginning to settle. Thomas hasn’t come over in a few days, and it’s given Audrey some time to think. Yes, not checking her drink was a bit of a risk on her part, but she and I both stand by the fact that she never asked for it to happen. She didn’t ask some random pervert to spike her drink, she didn’t ask him to be so sick-minded and oversexed that he felt the need to render a woman unconscious, just to feel something! A girl can be beautiful, naïve, distracting to a man, and that still doesn’t mean she was ‘asking for it’. It was just something Thomas needed to get into his head before he caused even more trouble between himself and Audrey.

But it was okay, it seemed, because she at least had something else to distract her from that dull, rotten anger that ate away at her. For I’d asked her to help with my costume and she’d accepted without a moment of hesitation. And so, as I sat, lounging upon her four-poster bed, we contemplated ideas for colours, fabric, and most important of all, what on earth I was going as in the first place.

“Now, we’ve got Snow White, Red Riding Hood, an angel or a witch.” She said, listing off the ideas we’d come up with so far. “But I could see you being something else…something magical. How about fire? Ice?”

“Sounds good in theory, but I think it might be a little difficult in practise.” I wouldn’t mind seeing her attempt it properly, with all the time she needed. If anyone could do it, Audrey would. “What about a figure in Greek Mythology? Athena? Artemis?”

“No-nobody will recognise you in a costume like that! Sure, they’re pretty, but what’s the point if you can’t make a proper statement?”

“That’s true,” As much as I hated to admit it. Hell, Greek goddesses would’ve made great costumes for the two of us, anywhere else. Audrey would’ve made a perfect Aphrodite and me? Well, I would’ve liked to have been Athena. The goddess of wisdom, courage, inspiration. And if it were the two of us, it would’ve made at least a little, more sense.

“How about mythical creatures?” She suggested, “Wood nymphs?”

“That doe’s sound like a good idea…only one problem.” I sighed.

“What?”

“Michael will likely make it his joke of the night. Wood-nympho.”

“Oh god, you’re right.” She grimaced, “Unicorn?”

“Nothing with horns-that’ll only make it worse.”

“How about…ooh, I’ve got it! Fairy. You and Gretel used to love dressing up as fairies for Halloween! And do you remember those fairy-dolls? The one’s you two saved up for that time?”

“Yes, I do. I…I think I might still have mine.”

“Awesome? Where is it?”

We went up to the attic, in pursuit of the boxes of endless sentimentality, all stacked up in a neat, little wall on the right. Boxes labelled ‘Audrey’ on the right, and the fewer labelled ‘Hazel’ to their left. On the lids, were the year’s we’d gotten these things; photographs, old clothes, and toys that we just couldn’t bear to part with. It was near the bottom where we’d located the specific box-2004. I was six years’ old. Gretel and I had been obsessed with this children’s show called ‘The fairy follies’. Every afternoon, once school had finished, we’d go to each other’s’ houses and watch the show together. Singing and dancing to every song, memorizing the spells and pretending to cast them on people at school. I remember trying to cast a tripping spell of Nick once; in silence, of course. Only Gretel had known what the wand-swishing meant, and in attempt to make the spell come true, she stuck her foot out in assembly, when he was going up to accept an award, and made him land, flat on his smug, little face. I got in trouble with him for that. It was still funny though, while it lasted. Funny, and magical, because for a long time, Fairy Follies was just ours. Not even Audrey demanded we share it with her.

Fighting the wave of nostalgia, we carefully slid the box out of its’ place and pulled open the flaps. Sure enough, there it lay. On top of the baby-pink, satin pillow from aunt Masha, beside the sky-dancer doll I had from my sixth birthday. Merry Melody. A doll with dark hair, like mine, fair skin, like mine, and a dress made of glittering, lavender silk and tulle. On the top of her silky waves was a crown of beautiful, purple roses, woven together with a twine of golden thread. She was the best doll I ever had, and I cared for her as if she were absolutely priceless. I was really surprised at how good a condition it was in! The hair had strayed a little from it’s crown, but most of it was perfectly intact. And the dress…for barbie-doll clothes, it truly was a well-made dress.

“This is it,” Audrey whispered, leaning over my shoulders. “Of course, we’ll make just a few adjustments to suit you, but we should be able to recreate most of it.”

“Can we do it?” I turned to her, “I mean, it’s a few weeks away, and you’ve got work-“

“I’ve also go an alarming amount of time on my hands, and I think it’ll be good to have something useful to do with it. Besides, it’s not every day I get to do something fun and artistic with my sister, is it?”

Audrey often thought that I was the only, artistic one in the family. That was far from true. Ever since Audrey had been old enough to read, she’d been studying fashion. From her favourite issues of vogue, to her obsession with Coco Chanel’s biography. And when mum had gifted her with her very own, Singer sewing machine for her eleventh birthday, Audrey was virtually unstoppable. She designed her own skirts, blouses and dresses; first buying out-dated sewing patterns and revamping them to fit her own, edgy, modern style. She learnt how to embroider too, which gave her free reign to add a huge splash of colour to her store-bought things. In short, she was an artist with a threaded needle. She just didn’t realise it most of the time.

But she would soon, I thought, as we left that desolate attic alone. Maybe another project for Audrey would make her realise just how good a seamstress she really was, and at the same time, restrain her from wanting to call Thomas first when he ought to be the one apologising. Either way, it would give her something to do. Working at Kicks gave her some purpose, but it wasn’t enough for her. Audrey needed everything that life had to offer her, and nothing less.

“We can start working on some concept sketches tomorrow, to get a better idea of it.” She said, as we walked back to our respective rooms. “You can do some in school, and I’ve got the afternoon off because of some extra shifts I did last week. Then when you get home, I’ll dig out some of my dress-patterns and see which one fits best with the final design! It’ll be fun. And then on the weekend, we can bus into Cokeworth and get our crafty-bits for it. We’ll need glitter, a foundation mask, some of that special fabric-paint, and of course, that golden wire for the crown…”

“I’ll make up a list as well,” I promised, “And if you want to drum up some business, I can ask Ingrid and Flora if they need any help with their costumes. I’m pretty sure they haven’t even decided on theirs yet.”

“You can try, but it’s doubtful. Ingrid is afraid to even go near me!”

“That’s because you scare her!” I laughed, just picturing Ingrid’s nausea-prone face.

“Well, she’s so easily startled!” She laughed right back. “Like a deer caught in the headlights.”

“Nonetheless, she would appreciate your expertise. A genius on the piano, she may be, but her and I barely scraped through textiles in year nine.”

“As I have seen by the infamous pencil-case project. Well, try Ingrid and Flora if you wish-just let them know that I’m not a one-woman business. If they want good costumes, they need to work at it too.”

“Of course,” I wouldn’t expect them to be lazy about it. “Night, Audrey.”

“Night, night!” She giggled, disappearing into her room. Feeling a new bout of enthusiasm bubbling within me, I went to bed with a smile on my face. So much was happening, it was almost overwhelming. But then again, it was the high-school experience; besides, my parents were always telling me I needed to try everything out-that was exactly what I was doing now. I was going to parties, dances, I was doing ‘fun things’ and getting involved in school events. But at the same time, I was adamant that I would still be me, while doing so. I wouldn’t lose control, I wouldn’t draw too much attention to myself. I was still the same, old, bookish Hazel; but I wasn’t afraid to grasp a good opportunity whenever I could.