CHAPTER 10- Feeling Anew
1564 Words
I awoke the next morning with red blotches around my eyes and dark circles, I feel good somehow like I got rid of all those emotions by crying last night. I feel weak but at the same time feel that in itself made me strong. I still have all these questions in my mind but now I can see a little clearer, I feel like I'm happy but I have a lot to figure out. I know that but in a way, I'm glad. This new place is frightening but atleast its not what I've known.
New is scary because it is the unknown but being here makes me realize just how much I hated where I was. This place is so much more than the world I know but I feel it's better than what I used to call home. Now I get to discover things and learn and that is the most exciting and scary thing I've ever done but I'm so happy I get too. As long as I get to keep learning and thinking and feeling I will be okay.
In the woods with my father I had stopped feeling anything, I was truly an empty shell, no pain, no happiness, just nothingness and in this place, even as I cry, I'm happy because at least I'm happy enough to want to cry.
Bloom's p.o.v
f*****g shit....mother of God, why? Why? Why is it Tuesday? Can’t high school just be a bad nightmare? I internally groan as I drift away from my slumber. My eyes peer open and I hiss and grimace at the light, disgusting snow just falling down. I frown as I force myself up on one elbow to groggily glare at the snow crystals.
It was not supposed to snow today! The leaves changed color and it was pretty now can we please skip to spring? Just two days ago it was warm and sunny for the month and three months ago the beginning of fall came and it was still looking like summer - now snow just before Easter? Kill me. f*****g Michigan and its bipolar weather.
I hang my feet off the bed, looking down at my childish pajama pants. The generic yellow stars clash disgustingly with the pink background.
God, who the f**k decided this is a cute pattern? Mornings suck. f*****g hate them.
A realization slams into me in the same moment: I didn’t finish Wills homework.
Really, I’m just helping him pass into next year meaning he’ll beat me up again next year, it’s a cycle that won’t end until graduation.
My day just gets better and better!
I sigh and try to remember how it is I forgot to do his homework- Oh yeah, Bri was sorta more important than high school geometry.
I never told anyone about it, no point in stressing the others out. I know Liz, Baron, or Jake could end this for me, they could just like kill him and the problem would be solved but I don't want to rely on them so much, I already do for so much.
“I’m going to take my truck to school. K?”
I ask Liz as she walks by my room to wake me up, in case I hadn't set an alarm.
“Sure, hey, drop the truck off at your place after school, I’ll pick you up. There isn't any sense in keeping your truck outside in the snow because Baron won't get all of his stupid toys out of the garage. But I bet if you ask him he'll be glad to move all of his junk.”
Liz requests while scolding the defenseless Baron about his fondness for mechanics. She winks at the end of her tangent, assuring me that she notices my flaming cheeks.
Baron has a habit of leaving his tools everywhere -the garage is like his kingdom. Liz rolls her eyes and sassily walks away. She has the oddest walk. Liz has this habit of wildly swinging her hips when she walks, it's impossible to miss how sassy it is.
Ha, even her a*s has an attitude, that’s priceless...
Bri walks in my room completely dressed in some of her new clothes and a big smile on her face. Her dark hair brushed back into a high ponytail and her bright eyes has small bags under them. She isn't wearing any makeup and has a zit on her cheek.
Part of me is shocked she didn't put on makeup to cover her imperfection and the other half is amazed by how beautiful she is. She hasn’t worn makeup before but seeing her proud zit makes it feel almost iconic to me. It confuses me and it's too early to be confused so therefore I am irritated.
"What the hell are you doing, being so cheery in the morning? It's crazy early, How long have you been awake?"
"Since the birds woke me up."
I stare blankly at her, expecting something more but she just seems to think that is explanatory enough.
"U-huh, right so-" she cut me off with an excited gasp.
"Look, look, look, look, look! It's here!" She starts to jump on me and throw me towards the window. All I see is the stupid, cold, dead snow starting to cover the dimly lit, yellow grass- ugh it's too early for this!
"What! What? What is it? Why are you freaking screaming?" I glare at her while she just smiles and points to the snow.
I sigh in annoyance.
"Yeah, it's snow it's so stupid, I f*****g hate this shit." I start to grumble as my annoyance grows and grows just because it was six in the f*****g morning.
"Isn't it beautiful?" She stares as she leans on the window sill, pressing her hand up to the glass window to wipe away the fog her warm breath caused. Her eyes go bright and glossy as she takes in everything, the forest, the sky, and the snowflakes that make me hate my existence. She continues,
"It's so bright and shocking when you look at it. So many people dislike it, even myself at times. Looking at it, I realized all that it saved us from seeing. Imagine seeing the world around you die, everything just passes away, the cycle of death.
I wouldn't of noticed if I hadn't taken the time to look and I'd still hate the snow. The snow sorta reminds me of people. How each crystal is different. It's like if you took all of everyone's wishes for happiness and they took the place of snowflakes, you’d see it all cover up death - an intriguing notion, I think at least.
The world is what you choose to see it as. My Master says it's a nuisance and he hates its cold touch, he says it's like lost dreams, if anything, falling down as hearts sink. I think you can choose to see it as wishes, lost dreams or simply just snow. But I choose ‘wishes’ because in the end, after the snow melts, life takes its place. No matter how much snow piles up the flowers always bloom again, always come around and new dreams and new hopes form.
If something is truly lost it will never come back, so in my eyes the snow is the dreams and hopes of the world, the last of life in a dying world. Those dreams will recreate the world we wish it to become. In a cycle of life and death and hope and loss, the snow is what allows new life to commence. Without it, the water would never come and everything would be gone forever. That's the thing about hope and happiness, you must have contradiction or it will never be so. So, I see snow as the hopes and dreams of tomorrow placed in the depths at death's gate. Beautiful, isn’t it?"
At some point my annoyance faded to admiration and I was stuck looking at her, the snow made her smile. Here is this girl, so hurt, but still seeing such wonderful things. Not only that, she also helps people like me see them too.
For the first time in my life, I look out the window and see something so precious and beautiful that I feel my eyes burn with tears. Im captivated by the blue hue the snow gives off and how many beautiful crystals there are, like jewelry or millions of diamonds or just beautiful wishes.
I look over to Bri and I get washed over with the feeling of guilt. Though she suffered a lot worse than me and I still feel pity over my stupid little life. Stupid. I owe her so much. I look once more at the snow and her words about how each individual has a wish replays themselves in my mind. I look it's almost like somewhere, my wish is there. Imagine that, something belonging to me being as precious as gold. Even when surrounded by millions of other wishes, mine is different.
My mind is in shock because for the first time I don't feel like I'm beneath anyone. Its as if for the first time, I simply don't care about other people's thoughts on me and for once, I just want to be me. For once I'm okay with doing just that.
- Writer
