Hidden in the Darkness V1: A Darkened Fevered Dream

CHAPTER 9-This World Is Strange

       I start walking with Baron, Jake, Liz, and Bloom who I still can't believe is here, next to me, in the huge black truck. It is soft and comfortably warm inside, it has this aroma I can't describe. Different from the odor I know of but as Bloom has shown me, different isn’t necessarily bad.

 I smile at myself and watch out the window, watching the trees and bushes rush past as we speed down the glistening, wet street. I had felt slight panic at first, afraid of the speed but now I feel amazed by it, almost calmed by it. 

We pull into what I’m told is the school parking lot. This is a high school, I think to myself getting out of the car. I stare up at a large school, bigger than the biggest house I've ever seen. We are early, thanks to Jake's driving, so they show me around the school until people start showing up. I can’t believe how many people are here. I’ve never seen this many in one place. 

They lead me to the principal's office. He is there, straightening things on his desk. He looks up, he is a bigger man with calm but tired eyes, his hair is combed over and thin. He looks as if he stresses too much due to the creases in his forehead. They seem to be carved into his dark skin. 

On the way to school Bloom told me about a man named Hitler and what he did to people who followed the Jewish religion which she also briefly explained, and the more I learn about these cruelties, the more I come to realize how we are all humans (more or less)  yet split ourselves into categories and groups. 

It is completely different from what I know and is overwhelming but I love learning about it all. Just like Bloom said, I am going to keep learning, no matter what. Rather I’m here, home or the forest no matter where I go I'll never stop learning. Maybe if the humans learned more from their past the present wouldn't repeat itself.

 “Hello! Welcome, I understand that you’ve been home schooled?” 

Liz nods slightly and I follow her lead, “Yes.” 

After Liz and the principle exchanged mindless chatter, he turned to me with a smile, “Now, I hope I don’t see you in here that often, Bri Tanners.”

I have every class with one of my friends. Liz must have used her charm to make this happen. I have Jake in first hour Math and Liz in second hour Social Studies, Baron in third hour Physics, Trent in fifth hour English and both Liz and Trent in sixth hour Art. 

Apparently, I’ve been homeschooled and adopted by their “parents”. Jake told me not to get in trouble but I’m not exactly sure how to follow the rules if I don’t know them.

 I walk into class trying to ignore the stares my new classmates are giveing me. I  wander around while everyone takes their seats. I look for the teacher. 

I spot him by his desk. He has brown hair and green eyes. I work up the courage to walk over there to tell him who I am.  

“Yes, Breelena-Marie, hi I’m Mr. Wits. Um…take a seat in the back, there. They told me you would be coming…how familiar would you say you are at integers?”

 he looked up at me. I gave a confused look I never heard of integers, math is completely new to me. I shake my head. “No sir. I haven’t heard of it um…I’ll ask my new family for help.”

“All right then take your seat and welcome to VINTA.”

  He smiles warmly at me as I walk to my seat in the back next to Jake. I did not anticipate this feeling, the fear and anxiety I’m feeling walking down this small isle. People whispering and talking, glancing at me from time to time. I sink in my seat as if it will shade me from their frightening eyes. 

 “Okay! Class, settle down, we have a new student-Breelena, let them know where you are.”

 I stand up and look at the ground, petrified.  I have never experienced this type of fear before. Embarrassment, I’ve never once been ashamed by anything as simple as existing. In the woods, there was no one to stare. I would lie n***d on the ground for days. Other ‘victims’ would scream about modesty and such but I had never understood their feelings until now. Now I feel overexposed as if I were n***d in front of them all. 

“Hi.” I say a little breathlessly, looking up with a small smile. Though, I can’t be sure if my face truly curved into a smile since it feels as if snakes are crawling just under my skin.

 “Tell us something about yourself.” He instructs,I feel targeted, attacked. I want to ask him why he won’t just allow me to sit down. The class looks at me in an overwhelming sea of faces, I feel as if they all were studying my face, my body, and for the first time, I feel disgusting. I understand what It is to feel ugly, now. I know what my father called me and now I believe he must be right.  

“Uh, um, well…”

 I shoot a glance at Jake, I really have nothing to say. Realizing the only thing I know about myself is that I know nothing about myself causes a deep sadness to settle in the pit of my stomach. 

I can’t breathe. 

I can’t breathe. 

My chest feels like it has a weight on top of it but I’m standing straight up. 

I can’t breathe.

 “Um, I was adopted by Ms.Tanners and am very glad to be living with them.” 

I look to see if that was okay to say, apparently it’s perfect. I sigh and sit down, my face still feels hot and my eyes burn from knowing how unaware of myself I am.  

As Mr. Wits starts talking and the attention drifts away from me, Jake bumps my arm and I look down at the piece of folded paper. I unfold it quietly, looking up a few times, it says:

  That was great I noticed you hovered but, I don’t think the others noticed. 

I smile and listen to the teacher ramble about things I don’t understand. 

I happen to grasp something during lunch that keeps me thinking all day. Trent had told me about “the popular type” or “the gossips”, how I shouldn’t get involved with them because they're not trustworthy and will talk behind my back.

 What I don’t understand is, looking around, aren't we all just people? We all have people we hate and people we like, people we talk about to our friends and  people we refuse to be friends with, people we accept and people we don’t. That doesn’t mean we can’t respect each other as people, right? I mean, aren't we all the same? It's like the pretty and ugly thing, I simply don’t understand. 

Some groups seem to team up with other groups to take down a ‘powerful’ group. It’s like a war, a secret war. By my understanding I’m ‘new’ which makes me a target and an ally to everyone. They all despise me, all accept me. I’m a mystery to them. One of the social group leaders will decide if I am allowed or denied, also they wonder if I come will my new family join me? Would that be good or bad? Am I already part of my families group, or left for the taking? I’ll have to ask if I’m right or just completely off track.

 I get in the truck while everybody else is escaping the school, heading for their trucks or cars. Trent has a deep blue motorcycle with one red stripe on it. He lives alone, I found out through our note passing that his parents both died in a car accident when he was thirteen. Now he’s sixteen, still that’s only three years gone by. I understand his pain. 

I still cry for my mother and I was much younger then. Im realizing that Master isn’t coming for me. This is my home now and this is my new family. Maybe not by blood but, they still did what no one ever did; they care and save me every day- two remarkable things. 

I’m snapped from my thoughts,there’s a melody and a voice. I don’t know what the hell it is, it’s coming from nowhere. I think I’ve heard of people talk about voices in their head, I’ve heard of this! I’m going crazy! There’s voices in my head, I’m going crazy. I finally lost it! I cup my ears, trying to stop the voices. 

“Stop it.”

 I struggle to order it away but each attempt fails. A pair of hands catch me as I crouch down to try to make it stop. I’m not going to be crazy, not when things are going so good! I look up and everyone is staring at me with wide eyes. The voice stops as soon as the hands touch me. It is Bloom, I hadn’t noticed the door open or the fact that we started or stopped moving. 

“Are you ok?”

 She asks, startled while the others were hesitating to move even the slightest inch. The tears start overflowing. “No! I’m crazy, there is a voice in my head!”

 I waile when Jake starts laughing loudly, the others let a few breathless laughs out.

“Was the voice this?”

 He clears his throat of laughter and reaches past Liz and presses a button on some device. I start cupping my ears again as the voice starts again about some women. It turns off again as he pressed the button once more.

 “You made it attack me!” 

I scream at Jake and he laughs, if he can take it away he can put it back I suppose. How cruel. “What? Stop it! Stop laughing at me!”

 I am furious that he laughs at me and then turns the voice back on. 

“It’s music.” 

I am shocked and starting to cry at my stupidity. I’ve heard music but, never experienced hearing it like this, the things in the background. I stay silent as they begins driving again.

   We arrive down the dirt driveway that curves non-stop. I get out of the car, looking up at the house; I get out and walk inside before everyone else. I collapse into a chair, feeling rejected and mad. They all walk in and Trent comes up in front of me, a grave look on his face. He is staring down at me, making me want to run upstairs and lock myself away to cry alone. I know he won't let me, he just squats down and starts talking in a soft, sincere voice.

“ Bri, I’m sorry. Bloom told me what happened. I should have checked up on you after school. This...is a lot for anyone to take in. I wasn’t thinking about how you were feeling, none of us were and we are all so sorry. We weren’t trying to make you feel stupid or anything but that doesn’t make it right. 

We weren’t laughing at you to make you feel bad we just laughed because you were okay and they were worried before school and during the music fiasco. But you didn’t know that and I'm sorry we didn’t think about how you must feel, none of us can understand what it's like to be you but we’re all gonna try a little bit harder because the last thing we want is for you to feel like you don’t belong.”

 Now I really am crying because I am hurt but he is caring about me. I want to run from the feelings I never had before, it is all so alien. I try to look away but I can't get out of his gaze, his eyes are so soft and understanding but they cut me like a knife because I never want to escape them. 

“Do you forgive us, Bri?”

I turn my head away with heat inflaming my body; I nod, not trusting my voice. I feel his strong embrace around me and I place my chin on his broad shoulder, it feels like I am in a safe and radiant prison that I never want to escape. I never want him to let me go and that in itself is terrifying.

 Later that night I sit in the same chair me and Trent had our talk, I still feel a little overwhelmed by him.

 “Hey, um, Bloom could you maybe help me with math and school homework?”

 I want to learn how my friend has been since I left, now that she’s not in danger of Master, we can be friends. To spend time with Bloom is all I used to daydream about, it was the hope that my mother and I could talk to each other about. Momma lost hope in everything but when she talked about Bloom and me, she looked alive. ‘Friends’ is a term I’ve learned the meaning of here. Mother told me stories of friendships from long ago but it faded into myth, until Bloom.

 “Sure.” She answers yet seemingly startled that I would ask her. She grabs her bag and sits next to me on the chair.

 She explained it all to me slowly and in two hours I knew how to add and subtract numbers. My self confidence is lowering by the second because she isn’t very patient with me and I wasn’t very good at learning, I guess. 

I feel stupid, contrary to what Trent said, I feel I don’t belong, not just in school, in this world. It's so much more complicated than It needs to be. People kill over something as worthless as money, treat other humans with different origins or skin color with such racism, they use up the earth's non-reusable resources when they have the technology to use solar energy and water energy. Yet, they still choose to kill people and the earth over this money that can never serve as food or oxygen, that will ultimately never save their lives. If a man were to face off with a tiger, the dollar that man had wouldn’t make a difference; he’d still be the tiger’s dinner. I just don’t understand why society does such things, they all seem so stupid to me. 

I feel out of place and like there’s no chance of me ever understanding. I don't know how I feel stupid but I feel at a lack of knowledge. I've never felt so stupid before today.

After a few more hours of frustration, Bloom decided to take a bath. Liz sits in the kitchen, where I wonder. I feel afraid to offend her, I’ve never felt this before either but I don’t think I can do another day like this one. 

“Um, I have a question, well, see, school is really hard and I'm not saying I want to give up but I think maybe it’s a good Idea for me to really be...’ 

Shit what's that damn word again…

”home-schooled until I am smart enough to go to school…I know you went through a lot of trouble to get me in school and I've learned a lot of ...interesting things but I don’t think I'm quite ready for it. So do you think we can take me out?”

“Of course, we didn’t mean to rush you into it, I guess I just figured that you’d want to live like the rest of us but I realized after Trent talked to us outside the truck today, I've been quite ignorant. Just because we live in society and enjoy it doesn’t mean you do. Trent brought that up when you left after the...yaknow, music thing... I'm sorry Bri, but on the bright side, we can teach you at your own pace at home.  I mean, you’ll miss out on the social interaction but maybe you're not ready for it…”

“ I'm really not, humans scare me a little bit.” 

liz gave me an odd look,“What do you mean? you’re a moon spirit! You can wipe out everything on Earth if you want too. Humans are nothing compared to what you're capable of.”  

Anger flashes through me, along with a defensive edge. I'm not sure why I was so defensive, I guess just hearing her talk so lowly of people because of their species reminds me of how my father looked upon me.

“Humans are just as good as any other species. Okay? They are no worse than us! And I happen to be scared of them because even if they are weaker than me, humans have overcome those who are stronger than them all throughout their history. I learned that from class. In my own opinion they took the amazing things that they made and changed them so much that they’ve become stupid and complex and wrong! 

Why would any species want to destroy their Earth, the source of their life? Especially when they have the technology and impressive advances to prolong the earth as well as their own species! They scare me because they’re stupid and stupid people with a lot of power is dangerous to any enemy, no matter how individually strong! Not to mention that-”   

“Are you done yet?”

liz groans and looks bored and unfocused. She isn't very serious and it is very annoying right now; but my instincts told me not to advance further with my thoughts as I notice that along with boredom she is also irritable. As if talking about anything she wasn't interested in was boring and unimportant. 

I can feel it in the air- she has a temper and she is about to snap if I don't say something she finds fun. Although I personally want to push the issue and demand that she not call the humans a lesser species. Bloom is human an she is amazing. Liz can’t truly think what she has said...it’s so discriminatory. 

 I’ve learned from my time here that my brain is an asset and my passion will only get me far with valid thoughts to accompany it. I haven't been here long enough to voice my judgments on their ways. As Trent said, they are trying to understand me and I should do the same to them, even if I don’t agree with everything they say. 

“Never mind, I just was watching the news earlier...uhm so yeah I would really love to be homeschooled, thank you.”

“Wait, you're not stupid, I mean from before you got all boring on me, you're not stupid. p.s the news is hella boring and sorta corrupt so I wouldn't trust it too much, in fact, I don't even watch it!”  

 I simply nod, I didn't really take any of those thoughts from the news but she caught me off guard with her comment. I feel a little dumbfounded as the irritation seems to fall away like melting ice. Of course I am too stupid for school, it's not bad, it's just me. I don't see a reason to comfort me like that if I only speak the truth, I know I'm still incapable of grasping all of these ‘normal’ ways, most of them seem rather ridiculous and complex. I'm smart when it comes to survival and what's safe to eat and what's not out in the forest, I know all the stuff I need to ultimately survive so why does it matter if I know algebra? If I needed algebra to survive then I'd buckle down and find Y's X but I don't require it, so there’s no point in worrying over such minor inconveniences.    

Liz got up from the table, she hugged me and left but she seemed tired In a way, old almost. I know she can't age but she just, all the sudden, looks as if she was thinking and was older than she is. Odd but I almost wish I knew what she was thinking. 

I don’t understand Liz, she is so mysterious to me in the way to holds herself. It’s as if she finds everything amusing, she almost acts dumb...but then, when it’s just us, Liz will say something profound. I watch her eyes switch between her different personas,the one she hides is so bored, so lonely, so...dead.

My soul feels tired. It’s as if all the sudden, I am plummeting into sadness and just overall feel tired. I go up to my room- my room. I sit on the soft, comfortablely alien bed and feel the tears streak my face. Simply because I am afraid of all this new stuff, all these changes, how I'm treated, how that makes me feel. 

It's as if it's my soul’s all alone surrounded by other souls but no matter how many souls I'm around I will always be just one soul. I feel trapped but free, I feel like I'm a bother and a nuisance. I know they care but in this strange new world, what do I really know? I feel like the world is heavy, like the air is weighing down my shoulders, as if I'm the only one. I’ve almost always been alone, how am I to express needing help? How do I learn? How do I express myself? I can't recall who I am, every quality is a question. Who am I and what am I supposed to be?