The Secret Lives of Pop Stars

Formidable Opponent

03

FORMIDABLE OPPONENT

Inside the room, there are three people sitting behind a long table. Each has a paper pad in front of them. A camera is set on a tripod on one corner. It is a typical scene I've seen so many times before  but it still evokes my nervousness which was temporarily stomped by Zhu Rufeng's smile and words.  

"Hello," I greet, making a perfect bow. Once the adults nod, I continue. "I'm Charlie Kuno, aged sixteen. Today, I'll be singing and performing 'Midnight Rainbow' by Clōver. The dance I'll be performing is something I choreographed myself."

The adults mask their faces with polite eagerness. Television dramas and movies tend to dramatise the whole concept of auditions. In reality, there is no background music as you enter the room. The judges won't shift and lean forward because they feel and smell your talent right from when you stepped into the room. Real auditions are bland. Monotonous. You'd be lucky if one of them isn't dozing off with all the boring performances he had to sit through. A fake polite expression is the best you'll ever get before you sweep their feet off with your magical singing. 

But I've never swept feet before. The most I've had were a couple of auditions where after I performed, some of the judges genuinely raised their eyebrows and nodded their heads. Still everything would shatter the second they consider my looks. Japan is open to foreign performers and idols as much as their own, as long as the performers are clear with the standing they have. But once those foreigners try to infiltrate into the industry as one among the Japanese, all hell breaks loose. 

Exactly why k-pop is still marketed as k-pop in Japan even when they release Japanese albums. 

Suddenly, I feel immense pity for Zhu Rufeng. 

"You'll be given 3 minutes," the person in the middle says, her finger on a timer. "Please restrict your performance to the given time." 

I bow again and the audition begins. 

Even though I'm a diehard Clōver fan, I've never performed their songs in auditions before. But since this could very well be my last audition, as a nod to my inspiration, I decided to perform one of the most underrated Clōver songs. 

Midnight Rainbow is a song only Clōver fans would know. It is a b-side track, treading on both carnality and romance, a weird mix as it bordered a little on alternate rock and a little on R&B, two different sounds going surprisingly well together. The dance I choreographed is a slow, sensual one which flowed and moulded well with the ups and downs of the slow song. The music progresses and I arrive at the point where the singing starts. I begin singing the melody in my clear voice.

"Unrestrained, locks of Indigo flowed through long fingers

igniting slow fire of red, like strings that couldn't be broken."

I dance to the mellow melody, hips and hands moving elegantly and suggestively. Even to my ears, my young voice sounds contrasting to the mature lyrics but I've practiced this for days. I make it sound pleasing. 

"Don't let go, don't let go

Our entangled hearts and limbs are like a midnight rainbow

The moon fades, stars bleed

We hold a secret burning in shadows."

As the song progresses, the music speeds up, an impending c****x building up the chorus. My dance picks up and to the originally 80s sounding song, I break into a fast dance without any sharp, edgy moves. I hit the high notes, adding ad-libs of my own as the song edges towards its end. 

My heart starts burning with a sense of urgency. My three minutes are on the verge of ending, each second counting. I'm performing one of my most favourite songs for which I personally choreographed the dance, through a tedious process of trial and elimination. For the first time ever, this is my strongest attack, as well as my strongest defense. For someone as cautious and calculative as myself, this is the first time I've ever gone all out like this. 

Emotion scorches my voice as I belt out the final lyrics. 

"Our love was a midnight rainbow

Seen by none, whisper of the night 

Promise me you'll never forget

This day of spring and a sapphire kiss of light." 

I sing the last lines another time slowly, tender voice raw and with my eyes closed. My hands are stretched above my head in an arc and I reminisce how many times I revised the ending while standing in front of the full length mirror I had borrowed from my mother's bedroom. Even I had to accept that what I offered to the auditioners was a beautiful sight. 

When the performance ends and I drop down my complexly arced fingers and hands, I feel irrevocably sad. Normally, I'm a no BS critic of myself, never satisfied with anything I do. But this time, even I could feel that my performance was well done. My heart trembles to think further but there is a hushed whisper in my heart. My yearning grows million fold as I tighten my fists. I want the world to see this side of me and as I stand in front of these three strangers, awaiting my verdict, my mind finally braves to acknowledge how much I actually loved singing and dancing. 

I had never let loose like this. Never. And in the urgency, I finally understand. Becoming an idol is all I've ever known. This isn't a mere ambition. This is more than that. This is a part of me. This is me. 

Like a forest fire, my battered wish to get a chance to do what I love engulfs my spirit and mind, making me breathless. 

My nails dig into the flesh of my palm, rather painfully but I welcome its distraction as I slowly open my eyes, waiting for the judges' reviews. 

The woman in the middle and the middle aged man with glasses on her left have positive expressions. My nerves relax a little but I don't let my vigilance down as I wait. 

"You were really good!" the woman speaks, smiling. "Is this your first audition?" 

"No," I reply truthfully. 

The middle aged man only nods without any input as he whispers something to the lady. The third judge, a woman who appears younger than the other two remains silent, as she scribbles something down on her pad. She then whispers something back to the other two judges solemnly and uncontrollably, my heart sank. 

"You did a great job. We'll be announcing the results after everyone finishes participating. So please wait outside," the lady in the middle says.

I've heard these words many times. But if even one of them had meant it, I wouldn't be here in the first place. Let alone hyperventilating.

The initial satisfaction and sentiment that filled my body slowly disintegrates as I make my way out. It wasn't like I expected them to scream 'oh my god, you're in. Sign the contract already!' That isn't protocol. Most auditions did announce the recruits at the end. But I couldn't pour water over the doubt beginning to raise smoke in me. I did well, but maybe it wasn't exceptional. There are still thirty five other boys who had yet to perform. Simply put, my odds weren't that great. 

Silently, I walk to where my backpack is. The number lock is still in place. Cherry head is still in place. 

Zhu Rufeng perks up when he sees me. "How did it go?" 

I shake my head and I see Zhu Rufeng's smile dim. His dimples dim, his canines dim and his eyes dim. He is an open book and I feel mixed about how visibly upset a stranger gets over my bombed performance. "Ah, I bet you did well," he says a few seconds later. He reaches out to pat me and he does an awkward job at that. "Don't be so hard on yourself. I heard an employee say so far none of the auditionees were spell-bounding. But I have a feeling you were." 

His nose scrunches while talking about others but then, his lips quickly widens into a big grin when he talks about me. His eyes look like he had just shared an honest secret while decently trash talking about nine other boys who shared the same goals as us and I have this sudden urge to chuckle.

"I did well." I hear myself reply and get startled. I was never the type to be content with the way I performed, let alone admit it to someone. But unstoppable, I hear myself continue, sounding borderline dejected. "But I've never passed an audition. There were three judges and one clearly looked dissatisfied with something." 

Zhu Rufeng looks down at me, observing. He then takes my bottled water, screws it open and hands it to me. This time, instead of a chuckle, I want to laugh out loud at how familiar a total stranger was acting to me but I feel weirdly touched. Maybe it was a cultural difference. 

"We will become trainees together," Zhu Rufeng announces indignantly. "We are passing this." 

The audition progresses and after lunch break, where we share vending machine food and diet cokes with each other, only five auditionees are remaining. Zhu Rufeng is one of them. 

When number forty three is called, Zhu Rufeng goes with an easy smile after shooting a giant thumbs up at me. And three minutes later, he comes back with another easy smile before plopping beside me. 

"How did it go?" I couldn't help asking. 

"Aced it." 

Zhu Rufeng leans back with a grin, eyes twinkling and dimples softening his gaze. He turns to look at me and as if it is infectious, a tiny smile spreads on my ever-serious face. 

If only I had this much confidence in me. 

Soon everyone finishes and it is time for the results. We get issued a short break during the time the judges decide the final recruits and I can't stop the jitters. My urge to kick pebbles to cool off flares but I bit down on my lip. I try to mask my face into my trademark uncaring, calm expression but it is hard. On the other hand, Zhu Rufeng plays a RPG game on his phone, mildly headbanging to some music he was listening to via his air pods.  

As evening rolls in, the time for results arrives along with it. 

The three people who were the judges come out along with an unfamiliar old man. The old man has a kind smile as his archaic eyes flit through everyone gathered. 

The lady who praised me starts talking. 

"First of all, we would like to thank everyone who participated in this open audition. Everyone did well and we were delighted to see such talents."

Truth be told, my ears were sour from these staged dialogues I've heard from a hundred auditions. 

"Since the competition was tight, we made the tough decision of narrowing the recruitment to four. We look forward to seeing the others in our next audition with a greater performance. Now I'll be reading the names." 

The nervousness I stampeded to the depths of my brain somersaults back and my wish for the roads and pebbles grows tenfold. I don't realise the up and down bobbing of my leg until I feel something hold my knee hard. I look up to find Zhu Rufeng gazing down at me. "It'll be okay," he whispers. "We'll pass. I feel it." 

"Muroi Akira." 

With a look of clear surprise, a boy with braces and trimmed hair gets up, a couple of seats away from us. A second later, he pumps his fists, while two other boys behind him lean forward to thump his back. 

"Tachibana Takumi." 

A tall boy sitting almost on the other end of the room slumps like a balloon let loose before standing up hurriedly and bows to the adults. I see the reactions of the two boys who got recruited and try to fight down the desire to hear my name. If I desire too hard, the disappointment when I don't make the cut will only be as hard. 

But the next words I hear shakes the very core of me and for a second, I feel like I was falling in a dream. 

"Kuno Charlie." 

Embarrassingly, my eyes sting and only after a deaf second do I realise that I was crying. A little. 

"I told you!" Zhu Rufeng shouts, thumping my thigh hard and then grabs my hand. "I told you," he repeats. His eyes are an ocean of knowing smiles and the reality finally sinks in. I rise in a daze and bow to the adults weakly. The old man smiles at me and I bow a second time. When I sit back, Zhu Rufeng punches my thigh again and I let out a gasp, my lips convulsing in a shocked smile. "I can't believe it."

Zhu Rufeng only smiles back in response.

"And the last one is Zhu Rufeng. Congratulations to the boys who participated and thank you to everyone who participated!" 

I almost get a whiplash as I whip my head around and glance at Zhu Rufeng who only looks back at him with an unpretentious tiny smile. A Chinese got into a Japanese audition that easily. 

"I told you so," Zhu Rufeng whispers, this time with a secretive smile, dimples sinking like a whirlpool of shooting stars. So brilliantly beautiful. 

I feel swept away and for the third time today, I think, a formidable opponent indeed.