Chained Desire

Chapter |20|

C A I T L I N ' S P. O. V

I did it. I actually did it.

Instead of recoiling in disgust, instead of screaming in anger or denial, Aaron sits patiently, listening to my every word so intently.

Afterwards, I want to curl up into a ball and disappear from the world. I feel so ashamed at myself for the s**t I let myself go through, willingly like it was the only choice when there were so many others to make.

"Why didn't you come back, Caity? I would have helped you through it all." Aaron says, clutching my hand with earnestness.

We probably both look equally wrecked with raw red eyes tired from all the tears that were shed. "I thought the best option was just to listen to him, follow through with it all and hopefully come out the other end still breathing. At the beginning, I could have come back, I know that but I was too scared to. Afraid of facing all of this, in fact it was one of the reasons why I made Knox promise not to tell you, to wait until I was ready to come back."

Aaron sighs, knowing what I'm trying to push. "Caitlin, I know what you want me to do but I can't just excuse his betrayal."

"What betrayal, Aaron? He got me here didn't he? He saved my life and I know that without him I wouldn't be here right now. Talking to you, and able to make amends. It was really hard for him not to tell you the truth, but I pushed him not too because I wasn't ready yet. I was a coward so please blame me, punish me."

"When you ran away, you broke my heart Caitlin. It was a shitty thing to do but I know it was out of desperation. I still love you, I always will and I'm so proud that you're clean and sober, but trusting you...that's still going to take some time."

"I'll earn it back, I swear. Knox never doesn't deserve to lose your trust though, he's loyal and fierce. You need him in your corner."

I watch Aaron hesitate, probably torn between loyalties in his own mind. "Fine, I won't punish him."

"Thank you!" I launch myself at Aaron, hugging him tight. His arms wrap around me and it's almost as if I never left.

"I can't believe you're 22 now. I feel like I've missed so much."

"You haven't. I was Lilliana for a long time, but I never fully became her. It's almost like Caitlin was on pause until I saw Knox again."

"Still, I've got four years worth of birthdays and Christmases to make up for. Trust me, Kiara will be all over that shit."

My eyes naturally glance across the stunning living room. I almost forgot how grand this life was, how privileged I used to be. Now I have to fit back into that life, get used to the glitz and the glamour again.

Suddenly I feel the urge to wash away the past few years, retreat into myself and accept the new reality. "Is it okay to go upstairs? Try and settle in."

"Sure," He smiles softly. Almost as if he's scared that I'll break otherwise. "We have your old room, mostly all the same. It's cleaned every week and I'll have Kiara send for some clothes for you."

I think about being entrapped in those four walls again. All the s**t I used to do in there, how isolated I was. Just the thought already makes the itch for a fix creep up on me again.

I shake my head, "No, no. Could I just stay in a guest room? I'd feel more comfortable."

Aaron frowns a little, worried. I guess I'm going to have to get used to that look. "Yes of course. Do you want me to..."

"I remember the way." Lifting myself off the couch, I let muscle memory navigate me through the house. I glance towards the kitchen as I pass by, hearing hushed murmurs from Kiara and Knox.

Part of me desires to reach out, seek comfort in his hold, but I know it would only condemn him to Aaron's hit list for now.

This mansion has three guest rooms all ensuite. I choose the one on the third floor, hidden away close to the attic and the den. Frozen is playing in the den, the music notes drifting in through the walls into the room.

Climbing onto the bed, I realise a warm shower will have to wait for now unless I want to be stuck wearing Kiara's clothes. I know from experience how expensive they are and the last thing I want is to ruin them.

Everything is black in here. Even the cotton sheets that I wrap myself in.

Reaching across the bedside table, I hit a button that causes the curtains to draw close. It submerges me in the darkness, bathing me in silence.

It starts with a single sob, and then I break down. My body shudders with tears, shedding them violently without control.

I turn on my side, feeling so alone in the huge bed, reminding me that I lost Saph to get here. Guilt drags me down into my mind, wanting to stay here forever and never vacate.

I don't even know what happened to her body. Where she ended up. What a shitty friend I was, dragging her into my s**t and then leaving her to die. Now I have to just put on a smile, move on and live a life of high luxury knowing what I've done.

The urge comes crawling back in. I need a fix, anything to numb the pain.

Suddenly the penetration of light blurs my vision. I squint, attempting to block it out with my hand. "So it is true? You're back." I force myself up onto one elbow, desperately wiping my tears onto the comforter though I'm sure I still look like a wreck.

The harsh light comes on, as the door clicks shut. I catch a glimpse of long onyx hair, blue eyes the same shade of mine and that unmistakable resting b***h face to match her mother's. "Stasia?" I croak out.

My fifteen year old niece scoffs, "You're still a wreck. Even four years later." Ouch.

The bite of her sting weirdly springs a smile onto my face. "I missed you."

"Well clearly not enough for a phone call, a letter, a f*****g text or goodbye!" She snaps, breathing heavily. I can tell by the anger flaring in her eyes that there's more pain there than she wants to admit.

"I'm sorry Stasia. I really am, leaving you...it was hard."

"No. What was hard was waking up and having no idea where you had gone. I was the one who knew you were missing, and at first I looked everywhere believing you were just drunk or high and passed out somewhere. I searched for three hours before I finally gave up and called dad. Maybe if I had just called him first then he would have found you,"

Climbing out of bed, I slowly walk over to her, placing my hands on her shoulders. "Oh no, Stasia. No, this was not your fault. It was mine, solely mine. I had to leave, I thought I was doing what was best and I was out of my goddamn mind okay. I wasn't thinking about the long term, or how it would hurt you. For that, I am so sorry. I know nothing I do will ever make it right, but I want to try."

She swallows down thickly, trying not to cry. "I wasn't hurt. You're right, you had to leave. You were a drunk and a junkie and you needed to sober up...you are sober now, right? That's why you're back."

Anastasia was always like this. More mature than her age, attempting to navigate complexities of the adult world and pretending she doesn't give a s**t when she feels more deeply than anybody else I know.

"Yeah Stasia, that's why I'm back. I'm better now, a lot better."

"Your hair—" She reaches out to touch the jagged ends, fighting a grimace at its uneven length. "You did it yourself, didn't you?"

I laugh, nodding. "You don't like it?"

"No, it's okay. The colour looks nice, but maybe I could tidy up the edges." I take it as an offering of peace and let her lead the way to her room.

The blue has gone, replaced by a sophisticated pink. Chanel purses are neatly lined up in colour co-ordination on my right that I keep glancing at as she neatens the ends with a pair of scissors. "So what big things have I missed with you? Any secret boyfriends?"

She hides a smile, shaking her head. "The boys are all idiots at St Mary's, hopefully Ravenswood will have a better selection."

"And you feel okay about the boarding school now?"

Pulling back, she fixes me with a look."Who told you? Dad?"

"No, Knox and before you bite his ass off, he knew I could help you feel better about it. Talk to you."

"Well, I feel okay. I've accepted it. It's the best thing for my future as heir."

"What about the best thing for you?"

She shrugs, cutting off another cm. "Same thing."

"No it isn't."

"Caitlin, I appreciate the therapy but right now I want to focus on you. I know there's s**t that probably won't want to tell me, but if I'm going to trust you again then I need complete honesty. Just tell me what happened."

I stare up at my niece, so much like her parents now in every way that I know her future is bound to the same lifestyle as them. Even though I don't want it to be. "Okay. I'll tell you everything if you promise to really consider your options. You have a choice, a way out, and I want you to really think about it.''

She nods, and usually I wouldn't believe a fifteen year old would be capable of sticking to such a promise but Anastasia is different. She's a woman of her word

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A/N: Right now I'm writing Anastasia's book (ten years in the future to this one) and I can't wait for you guys to properly meet her. This is jsut a snippet of her personality and trust me, when I say she's 30% Kiara, 80% Aaron.

What are your thoughts on their friendship?