The Devil in Beautiful People

2). Who's to Blame

Those who would act, like to pretend- like it’s one big game of dollhouse”

They were the type of people who would surround themselves around me. The person whom I would end up calling mom, came off as vindictive to one sister, controlling to another, as for me I saw her as a challenge. When I would tell her that she is wrong, she would tell me that I was trying to pick a fight. Her husband comes off as malicious, impulsive, a bit narcissistic, hypercritical, and viewed as slightly toxic.

He carried the same mentality as a dog with behavioral issues. Avoiding what needs to be fixed. Honestly, they both had no problem lashing out and blaming me for their problems and then playing victim afterward. Never once have they apologized. I just got to the point of letting it happen and I accepted it. I had gotten used to it. Even though I knew deep down inside I had a gut feeling it wasn’t fair.

“Trust? What is trust?” I remember asking myself as another couple would stick their big heads in my face, displaying this sort of I’m a little crazy grin across their faces. When they were done, they would usually follow their introduction with a little white lie. Which sounded a lot like,

“and you can trust me.”

Only left with questions such as

“Who were they?” and “What did they want?”

I didn’t need to talk as I’m sure they could see that my facial expression was giving off those questions. I didn’t want them to see that deep down inside I was frightened. If looks could talk, I would have been busted because back then I couldn’t speak for myself.

What I considered to be my own emotions, what I knew as my thoughts, I was always made to feel like I was wrong. It left me feeling confused because she would always say to

“Trust your gut feeling!”

At the same time, I was made to look like I had no idea what I was talking about. Like I was crazy. They would act as if I were to have made the whole thing up.

It left me crying, upset. I would start saying

“you never listen! If you Got to know me…”

He would interfere telling me

“Not to speak that way”

kicking me out. I would get even more upset and start to yell at them

“It’s not fair, You’ve Never seen me for who I am. YOU NEVER TRIED TO UNDERSTAND! YOU GUYS STOPPED, NOT ME”

While I stay silent has now become an issue, and I get in trouble for not speaking. Being called rude or disrespectful. Silenced and told to basically “shut up!” As it was considered a problem. Just for them to have me sent away for months. Forced not to speak. Having my freedom and rights to express taken away.

Some Days id try, and when I would speak up, it would backfire and I’d be held down with restraints, medicated with 2 shots Not because I wanted it, but because the doctor had said so, placed in a room for hours, while they watched me closely in what they’d refer to as a one-to-one. Forced to not feel. To be told that it’s not okay. It honestly wasn’t much different than being home. The only difference is that I cared for those who only saw me as a mistake