The Devil in Beautiful People

1): I Know

I never did see myself as a victim, well not until recently that is. Noticing that I have been very much victimized, not only that but also profiled and judged for a life I wasn’t in control of. When I was a toddler I was placed into the corrupt system of the ’90s. It was a real broken, unorganized untrusting manipulative system. It had me defined as a system kid and automatically labeled as problematic.

As I think about it, I wonder If the doctors would keep me quiet, because they knew I’d tell my mum. A lot of the time I’d be put in a room for hours, while they would awkwardly watch me, not telling me exactly what I did. they’d referred to it as a one-to-one. Forced to not feel, to be told that it’s not okay. What I considered my own emotions, what I knew as my thoughts, everyone made me feel like I was wrong at this point. Some days, I would be held down with restraints and medicated with 2 shots because the doctor said so. Not having a say nor a voice truly bothered me. Nobody gave me that chance. I was never allowed to. Although I will admit I didn’t make the effort either after a while, I just stopped trying.

So maybe the word victim isn’t a word I would use lightly, on its own I mean. I can say I’ve been victimized in more ways than one. It left me as an adult fearful. Scared of everything. Not fully realizing it was instinctively drilled into my head not. It wasn’t healthy. To understand how it was traumatic. I was traumatized.

I’ve lived a portion of my life unknown. In all truths, I never really gave a s**t, so I didn’t even bother to ask any questions. I’ve always just tried to embrace what life threw at me, quietly accepting what they would say would be wrong with me.

“Yes! Finally” I started to internally cheer. I would finally know a little bit more about myself. Feeling happy as now I knew one thing. It felt really good to know something that would be a part that made me. Of course, that feeling didn’t last long as I was fooled and misjudged. Just to be placed back to be left unknown once again.

Only to be neglected by those who preached that they knew better. Silenced and told that I had no idea what I was talking about. Going by other people’s assumptions leaving me instantly accused without hearing me speak. Forced to not speak. As it was considered a problem. To this day it still is. While I stay silent has now become an issue, and I get in trouble for not speaking. Being called rude or disrespectful.

I have lived my life! I wouldn’t change a thing, with the many accomplishments I’ve made. To have learned from my mistakes to grow wiser, achieving what many would tell me is either impossible or difficult, just to hear them say:

“I didn’t know that she could do that? Did you know she could?” Leaving them in awe.

Today as I am in my early 30’s, also a single mom, I have come to realize that I am left in this state of confusion. Which I will be the first to say is far more terrifying than living a life unknown. To be forced to face reality only to recognize “The Devil in Beautiful People.”