Sessions

MAYDAY: Myles

MAYDAY : MYLES 

"Deep steady breathing." I kept telling myself. All morning getting ready not to fast or I would have to explain my haste. Needed to be consistent with my daily routine.

I  must admit I did feel a little bit comforted as I saw the 'Olive green chair' in my therapists' ; Dr. Lorena Jones' office. That chair was my favorite. It meant I had survived another week. My PTSD didn't ruin my life or my marriage. It meant my wife still wanted to try to make it work for another week. It was my "hope" every week like a small reward. A reminder that I was getting somewhere. I came in and I sat in "Big Blue" the chair next to "Hope". It was bad luck to sit in the green chair. That's the only chair I've ever seen Rey sit in. It's her favorite chair too. I'd had my share of anxiety attacks in the office and Rey ALWAYS sat in the green chair so it must be her favorite. She works very hard to fix habitual f**k ups like myself so I respect her preferences and NEVER sit in the green chair.

I tried patiently sitting in the waiting room for Rey. She came in looking like a runway model. She seemed so in control of her life even though she was 12 and a half minutes late when she walked in the door of her private practice. I mean how many black women with a private practice in the Heights?! 

She coolly strolled right past me and into her office 

"Moody Monday" Angels said. 

     Bad jokes are her specialty. Dr Rey did NOT look amused. I felt like she was offended. 

Dr Lorena Jones was a very considerate person. She even let me call her Rey to make me more comfortable. She hates it but she would never tell me that to my face but the jaw clench she does when anyone else calls her anything other than Lorena tells the truth. She barely looked my way but I know she could tell I'm a f*****g wreck. A 6 foot 2, shell shocked, nut job; that scares my family and let down my friends. My real friends; not the rich ones paying Rey, for my wife to feel safe enough, to even sleep, in the house with me. They mean well but not like Rey. Rey is someone who takes the ugly and the dirty parts of love and helps you get over the shame. She's seen worse then me and she's not shy about asking the real questions. 

I've been having the flashes again and I'm afraid to tell Macy. My wife; the one thing Rey judges me about; she doesn't admit it, but I know her type, strong, black, business woman, natural hair, feminist type. She may never say it out loud, but I know she resents it. Macy would stop paying if she knew,  so I've never told her. She loves Rey. As she should, she had saved our marriage and kept me in my kids life. 

"The Dr will see you now." 

I almost zoned out. I rushed to the door causing Angela's voice to echo slightly 

"Goooood mooorniiing" Angie sang happily.

Angela was ALWAYS happy. Like Macy used to be. Before I went to Iraq. Like my son used to be before I came home. 

"Myles you don't look so good." It was the first thing she'd said to me since coming in and I could sense the genuine concern in her voice.

She peaked over her readers and I broke. Like a flood the water came rushing down. 

All I could muster was, "I'm fine." 

Before I was near sobbing. 

"I don't want to lose my wife. I don't want to lose my kids." It's all I could think so it's the only thing I could say.

"Is the new medication having any effects?" 

Rey was all business. Never made me address anything until I was ready. She let me cry without pity or fake concern. I knew she cared enough to help me exactly how she knew she could. She wouldn't ask me why I was crying or what's wrong she would let me get to it when and how I decided.

"I've been very depressed. I'm paranoid about Macy leaving me because the flashes are BACK. Which makes them worse. She can tell something's wrong." I spat out. The words tasted almost as crumby as it felt to say. But the tightness in my chest immediately lessened a bit admitting the truth I had hidden all week at home.

"I know.... She emailed me that you have been withdrawn tired and you only show your face around the house when the kids come home from school. Have you been triggered?" She believed in transparency and she believed in me enough to tell me everything because "I could handle it" 

I hadn't even considered that this might be a side effect of the new medication. 

I instantly perked up. We had the flashes down to a bad dream here or there without me being triggered. Just from the therapy sessions this year.

"Wow Rey! I have been so stressed about Macy finding out I never even thought about why?!" I realized out loud.

My session was much easier after that.

Then we talked about the timeline and then I realized.

 Rey did too. 

Our eyes got big and looked at the digital calendar in her office at the same time.

It was 3 days until the anniversary. The worst day of my life. 

She asked if I wanted to just switch back to the meds I had been on. I had asked about something new because I was gaining weight and Macy had finally started letting me sleep next to her again and I wasn't trying to get fat and unattractive after all this time. I saw the opportunity to get the trust and intimacy back in my marriage and I was going to take it. 

       Now I'm ruining it, anyway; with my anxiety, about telling my wife the truth.