My Disappearance

Chapter Two

Rose woke up with her throat on fire and a dull pain in her chest. Her chest felt bruised like something had slammed itself with a huge force in one spot. She opened her eyes and her vision was blurry for a few seconds as she blinked to see better, then it all came back to her. Her mom had tried to kill her. Her mother's hands around her throat, the look in her mother's eyes... Rose had a stab of fear as she looked around the room, but she appeared to be the only one in it. She tried to get up but it seemed like she wasn't the boss of her body today. She was so thirsty, her mouth felt so dry and then her stomach rumbled. She was hungry too. She had to get control of her arms and legs. Her hands and arms were shaky as she tried to lift them. She then saw an I.V. in her left hand but she could barely feel the invading tube. If only she could get some water and some food, she would be alright. She didn't know if she could swallow with her throat on fire like that. She looked toward the table beside the bed but there was no pitcher filled with water. About that time, a short woman in purple scrubs came into the room with a clipboard in her hands and said with a warm smile on her face "Oh good you're awake." she came forward and asked "How are you feeling today Rose?" she began writing stuff down on her clip board as she looked at a monitor on the wall. Rose tried to express that she was thirsty and a little fuzzy headed but her throat burned furiously. Her hand went to her throat as she slowly croaked "Water....please." The woman nodded and said "I cannot give you water at this time, but I can give you ice chips to suck on until the doctor examines your throat." She paused and then continued "My name is Penelope, but everyone calls me Pen for short. Now, I'll go get you some ice chips and then the doctor will be in shortly." with that she turned and left the room. Rose stared at the ceiling thinking about what happened and what would happen. How long until she had to go back into her mother's house, how long until her mother tried to kill her again? Child protective services have been called many times before but nothing good ever came of it. At first she put all her trust in them. They could save her! Nope. Everything she told them was written down and then her mother was questioned about the incidents and told of what Rose had said. Counseling was mandatory for 3 months, then Rose got beaten for telling lies to people who had "No business knowing." according to her mother. No one took her to a shelter. Her mother just ignored her like Rose was a traitor, not seeing her wrongdoing. So, in order to survive, whenever officials asked questions, Rose lied. It didn't do any good not to. However, this was the first time there were witnesses, but Rose had given up a long time ago and just accepted it. After Pen brought some ice chips. Rose took a relatively small piece to suck on and it slightly burned as it went down. She could imagine that if that tiny bit of ice melted and went down her throat and burned, then a glass of water would be too much for her. She ate them slowly, trying to savor each piece and not chew. She was halfway through the cup when the doctor came in and introduced herself as Dr. Martinez. She gently touched Rose's throat and asked a series of questions about swallowing, coughing and speaking. Rose either nodded or shook her head in answer. The doctor told her not to try to speak until damage could be assessed and that they would bring her a pen and paper to communicate. "I don't feel any major damage, just some minor bruising. However, until we run some tests, you will be on a broth diet." Dr. Martinez said. Rose's stomach gurgled at the thought of food. The doctor chuckled hearing the gurgle and said she would have someone bring in some broth and for Rose to sip it slowly, no matter how hungry she was, because it might come up and her stomach bile would do more damage. The broth was hot, she could see the steam rising from the foam cup and it smelled delicious! She wanted to blow on it but it already hurt to breathe, so she sat and stared while her stomach protested with greed. She had to remind herself that she wasn't starving. She had lunch earlier and a partial dinner. She also had to remind herself that her mother had not let her eat for a whole day and a half as a punishment a few times, so this was nothing. She also had to sit many times and watch her mother eat and not have anything, as another of her mother's punishments. For a long time, Rose was made to believe that she was indeed a worthless being and that she deserved this treatment, but not anymore! Rose didn't want to live like this and she was going to get out. She didn't know how, but she would die trying. She sipped a small quantity of broth, still hot but not too hot for her mouth, and held it there before swallowing slowly. It tasted like vegetable soup without vegetables or noodles. It burned at first, then she felt a very soothing sensation in her throat as if it were saying "Ahhhh" like one of those throat lozenge commercials. Rose almost giggled at the thought but stopped herself so she would't choke. After that first sip, it went down smoothly and felt like heaven with each slow sip. After finishing the broth, she leaned back and enjoyed the silence, wishing she had more broth. A little while later, Nurse Pen came in and observed the empty soup cup and asked if Rose would like more and Rose smiled and nodded. The second cup was just as delicious and swallowed with relish. She was getting drowsy but her bladder was protesting, so she attempted to get up but was still weak, so she pressed the call button for help to go to the bathroom. The pen and paper hadn't showed up yet but Rose managed to communicate what she wanted by gesturing to the bathroom door. So, Nurse Pen helped her to and from the bathroom and back into her bed. "In the morning, someone will help you bathe, and a shower always makes me feel better." Nurse Pen paused and then asked "Do you want something to help you sleep?" Rose shook her head, smiled and mouthed "Thank you." Nurse Pen smiled back and said goodnight as she left the room. Rose's eyes were so heavy at this point that she could barely see and slipped quickly into a deep sleep. She dreamt that she was running from her mother, running from room to room. Her mother got closer and closer with each room. She went in until her mother caught up to her, reaching for her throat. Rose woke with a jolt, struggling to breathe and she started to cough, which burned like fire until she could calm herself. Finally, after a few minutes, she had slowed her breathing and her heart began to settle. Rose thought to herself "No, I will never let her get me again. The system might fail me, but I refuse to fail myself.". Alerted by her coughing, a nurse Rose didn't know came in and asked if Rose needed anything. She shook her head and managed a small smile. The nurse looked around the room warily, then nodded and left the room. "Now why did she do that? Did she think I snuck someone in here and was having a party? Odd." The half empty cup of former ice chips was now melted and Rose took a wary sip. It didn't burn as much but she wished it was hot. The heat was what soothed her throat before and she wanted that feeling of relief again. She leaned back in bed and tried to relax enough to sleep but she couldn't. Something was nagging at her and she couldn't figure out what it was. She tossed and turned and noticed her arms and legs weren't as unresponsive as before, but she knew better than to try and get up. So she decided to lay on her back and stare at the ceiling. She could daydream. Her imagination was strong and she could use it as a defense when needed. It helped her escape her hard, cruel reality. That's when Rose began to formulate a plan to escape. To disappear. Two more nurses came and went with clipboards, but to avoid questions Rose pretended to sleep. Only opening her eyes slowly when she heard their footsteps fading away. In the morning, another nurse came in and helped her to the shower and told her to sit on the bench and to not rush. The water was hot and it felt good on her aching body. Her hair needed to be washed twice. It was nice to have some privacy even if the nurse was in the doorway with her back turned. No one was sitting in a chair watching for her to make mistakes. No one was looking for any reason to punish her this time. After her hair felt clean, she lathered the soap on and washed slowly and carefully. The steam was thick and heavy while she rinsed off the soap and began to cough. This time it felt like something was lodged in her throat like a rock. She was gasping for air and was becoming light-headed. The nurse came in and turned off the water while trying to keep Rose seated and finally Rose coughed up some brown phlegm and she could breathe again. Rose sat there panting but breathing easier and croaked "Much.....much...better.". It hurt to talk, but it wasn't a barely audible croak anymore. After drying off, she dressed in another hospital gown as another nurse changed her bed linens. Once again, Rose was back in bed and was served more vegetable broth, but this time it was two cups. She smiled at that and drank slowly. It was getting easier to swallow and hoping for solid food soon. Rose had heard that hospital food wasn't great, but she wasn't picky. She was just glad she could swallow more easily. She could breathe more easily and soon she would be able to hold a conversation without gesturing too much. After finishing the broth, she leaned back in bed and closed her eyes, enjoying the full feeling in her stomach. Soon she was woken up by someone clearing their throat. Startled awake, Rose saw a man who appeared to be in his mid fifties in a suit and tie. His hair was short and salt and pepper colored. He looked tired and a bit annoyed. Rose sat up warily and said "Sorry I didn't.." but he waved off her apology and introduced himself as Detective Porter. "I have a few questions about what happened yesterday. I would like to take your statement. The doctor tells me you have trouble speaking, if you'd like, instead of speaking you could write your answers down." Rose nodded and said in a raspy voice "It doesn't hurt as much as it did yesterday, but I think I'll manage one way or another." There was a dull ache in her throat and her chest felt heavy but with great effort she retold what had happened with many pauses and sips of water. Det. Porter was polite and listened with patience. Then he said he needed some pictures for his report and called in a nurse to help Rose stand as they took pictures of the bruises around her neck and ribs. After that, Rose got back in bed and he said "I am keeping plainclothes officers on duty outside your door throughout your stay and after you are released, if we haven't found your mother you will be under protection, an officer will always be near by." At those words Rose was shocked and blurted "What do you mean you haven't found my mother? She wasn't arrested?" and then she began to cough. The detective waited for her to stop coughing and said "No, she hasn't been arrested. Witnesses said she left in her car shortly after attacking you. So we believe she is on the run, but don't worry, we'll catch her. We have her vehicle info and her description has been given out." Rose just stared at him in disbelief that her mother ran. Her mother ran? Really? Was it guilt or self-preservation? Probably the latter. Rose never saw guilt cross her mother's face for anything. She only ever saw anger, hate and disgust. Det. Porter then said "I am going to the DA to push for attempted murder. No, court would see it any other way, especially with her record of child abuse." He paused and then continued "You are safe here and she will be caught.". At this point, Rose let the words attempted murder soak in and the word "safe" floated around. No, she wouldn't feel safe ever. Not until her mother was far away from her. She wanted to tell the detective that and the fact that the system had failed her many times before, but she knew it was useless and, after a long pause, just nodded. The detective left his card and told her to call if she needed anything, then left. The conversation between Rose and the detective swam in her head, making her anxious. Her mother was still out there and Rose was definitely not safe. She wanted to leave, but where would she go? Besides, how would she get past the plain-clothesed police? How would she know who they were? The first chance she got, she would try and escape but she needed a plan. Her stomach churned with anxiety as she lay there. Where would she go? How would she get there? She had no money and knew no one who could help. This would take time and Rose felt she didn't have enough time. Even if they found her mother and arrested her for attempted murder. Her mother would somehow weasel out of it like she always did before. She'd give some sob story about being a single mother and how hard it was. Rose acknowledged that raising children had to be difficult and even more so when that parent did it alone. There might even be a little resentment, but parents shouldn't treat their children how Rose was treated with beatings and being told they were whores and worthless. Not being allowed to bathe on a regular basis, being locked in a house all day. What if there was a fire? Rose would go down with the house. Rose barely slept that night, waking often to look about her room. She had been taken for a laryngoscopy a little after the detective left. They had her gargle with a liquid that numbed her throat before the procedure. She didn't know what was worse, not feeling her throat or feeling the burn from breathing. She didn't eat lunch as she still couldn't feel her throat after and didn't want to risk choking and not being able to call out. For dinner, they served her soup with bits of noodles, soft and mushy, but she just stared at it. The numbing agent had mostly worn off but she was too anxious to eat. Now it was the middle of the night and she was hungry. She just lay there angry that she hadn't eaten and too scared to call the nurse for food since she had wasted her dinner. She told herself to relax and that she could wait for morning when they would serve breakfast. In the morning, she was able to go to the bathroom and shower by herself. She couldn't remember the last time she had showered two days in a row, but while she was there she was going to take advantage of it. When she came out, a nurse was making her bed, smiled and said "Glad to see you up. Did you sleep well?" Rose shook her head and thanked the nurse for changing the sheets and sat back on the bed. After a breakfast of what resembled Malt O'Meal, a banana and some OJ, a woman came in. She was dressed in a white blouse and black suit pants and flats. Her hair was blonde and short like a pixie cut. She introduced herself as Amanda and she was a social worker assigned to Rose's case. Amanda explained that after Rose was released from the hospital she would be placed in a home for a few weeks until they could find a foster family or an opening at a facility. "A group home? Like Fairmont?" Rose asked. Amanda's eyebrows raised and said "Yes, a group home, but not Fairmont. Fairmont is for children 12 and under. You will be placed with other teens." Rose nodded and Amanda asked "Have you been a group home before?" and Rose replied "Yes, I was in Fairmont twice, for about 3 months each time, and I was also in Amber Valley for a little while. Was never in a foster home though. There weren't any openings at the time." The look on the social worker's face was disbelief. She cleared her throat and said "Amber Valley was closed a couple of years ago. I haven't had a chance to look at your file. Only the recent incident....". So Rose filled Amanda in, recounting each incident when social services were called. "I see... so you lied and told your social worker that there was no abuse each subsequent time after the first?" Rose nodded and Amanda said "If you say that in court they will say you have a history of unreliable testimony and dismiss your side. However, with this recent incident, there were other witnesses and your mother driving off will be seen as an admission of guilt. So, all I can say now is you are safe and I will do the best I can to help you transition." This made Rose angry. How could this woman believe after all of what Rose told her that she was safe? Her mother was crazy and nothing would stop her from getting what she wanted. She tried to kill her own daughter after all. When her mother found out she was alive she would try and finish the job she started. And Rose wasn't going to let that happen. Before Amanda left, she gave Rose her card. Great! Another useless card. She knew how this would go. Rose was now restless and, since there were no magazines or books, she began to pace the room. She was almost at full strength and she was beating her brain trying to come up with a way out. Rose didn't like this. Her whole life she was never in control except in her daydreams, but those wouldn't help her now. She obviously wasn't going to escape from the hospital. Maybe she could escape from the group home? She still needed money though. How much could she save up if she got a job right away? If she had money, she could hire a lawyer to help her be emancipated. But that wasn't an option. Even if she managed to get a public defender to do it. Her mother would find her and try to finish the job she started a few days ago. So Rose sat down again, winded and resigned to wait for her release from the hospital. That night she slept hard, not waking once. She must have been exhausted from not sleeping enough the past few nights. After her morning routine of a shower and breakfast, Dr. Martinez came in and said "Good news! There was no permanent damage done to your throat and we will be releasing you later today. I recommend you continue to eat soft foods for the next few days. Try to avoid foods that are coarse or acidic. Such as potato chips and spicy foods. They may irritate or hinder the healing process." Rose nodded and said thank you before he left to do his rounds. A few hours later, Amanda showed up and handed Rose a plastic grocery bag. "I was told the clothes you came in had to be thrown away as they were filthy and full of holes, so I brought you some to wear plus a few toiletries. Rose went to the bathroom and looked in the bag. It was a pair of blue jeans, a plain black t-shirt with a pocket on the front right breast, a sports bra, two pairs of underwear and a pair of black flip flops. At the bottom of the bag there was a smaller quart-sized bag with travel-sized toiletries and some feminine products. Rose was grateful for those, but she had never worn a bra before, just two shirts to keep herself covered. Rose pulled her hair back into a ponytail and took one final look in the mirror before leaving the bathroom. Rose found Amanda at the nurses filling out some paper work. "Just about finished..." said Amanda distractedly. Rose sat in the waiting area looking around. This was the first time she had been out of her room since her laryngoscopy and couldn't spot anyone resembling police, even in plain clothes. She only saw people in scrubs, a couple of others in white coats and one janitor sweeping. No one out of place but very busy in a sort of organized chaos kind of way. Maybe, since she was being discharged, they were taken off duty? Even if her mother showed up there, she wouldn't try to kill her in front of all these people. Right? She was crazy but not stupid. Amanda approached Rose and asked if she was ready. Rose nodded and they walked to the elevator. They were both quiet as they rode the elevator down to the parking garage. When they stepped off the elevator, Rose could feel the hot summer heat swallow them with the suffocating humidity. It smelled like car exhaust in the garage. Rose looked around her warily as they walked toward Amanda's car. She couldn't shake the feeling she was being watched. Once the car was unlocked, Rose got in hurriedly and shut and locked the car door. Amanda had just barely opened her door and peeked her head in looking surprised. "Don't you want to wait for the airconditioning to cool off the car first?" she said incredulous at Rose's hasty entrance. Rose just shook her head and told Amanda that she was fine and that she would wait right there. Seeing Rose looking in the sideview mirror, not moving as if looking for something. Amanda got in and started the car and then the A.C. It was cool and refreshing but not once did Rose take her eyes off the side view mirror. In all her years as a social worker she had given many rides to children for home placements but never had she seen one just stare at the mirror in terror. She had seen girls preen, she had seen sullen teens stare out the window but not look about for fear. "I'm taking you to temporary housing right now. It's a nice family. The Hausers have fostered many teens temporarily while we find placement. They have no kids at the moment, but that could change. You could be there from 3 days to 4 weeks." Amanda explained as she pulled out in traffic and babbled on like everything was going to be okay. Rose listened and responded but never took her eyes from the side view mirror. When they pulled up to a white house with blue trim, Rose relaxed because once they pulled into suburbia. Not one car had followed them from the interstate. A woman in her forties answered the door with a smile and welcomed them in. She introduced herself to Rose as Megan. Megan explained that her husband Tom had to work today but would be home a little after 5 and showed Rose to her room and said to get settled, then come out for a snack if she wanted. Rose looked around the room. It had plain white walls with a twin-sized bed, a night stand and a dresser. The dresser and the nightstand were empty apart from a lamp on the nightstand. So Rose put her bag with toiletries and one pair of underwear in the top drawer and went out to the living room. A little later, Amanda left. Megan said she had to get started on dinner and if Rose wanted to help she was more than welcome or she could choose a book to read and that she could also watch some T.V. So, Rose decided to help with dinner. It was spaghetti with chicken cutlets. Rose had never seen chicken sliced so thin it was almost see through. As they prepped dinner, someone knocked on the front door and Rose froze in fear. Seeing this, Megan said it was probably just one of her nosy neighbors. Rose stood in the kitchen listening but didn't hear a familiar voice and reluctantly peeked around the corner as she saw Megan closing the door with a large black trash bag in one hand. Megan explained that her neighbor brought over some clothes that didn't fit her girls anymore and for Rose to look through them and see if there was anything she liked. She took the trash bag to the bedroom, dragged it mostly as it was heavy, and began to go through it. Most of the clothes would fit her, which was all that mattered to Rose right now. It was mostly blue jeans and blouses. No socks, no undergarments. Oh well, Rose could wash the ones she had and hang them to dry before bed. No big deal. She folded the ones that would fit and put them away and went back to the kitchen to see if Megan needed anymore help with dinner.