Learning How To Fall

The Ghosts of My Past

Sometimes I randomly think of the men who have shown me affection in the past.Lately it has been Nathalian,now Nathalian was sweet he was too caring with a pinch of crazy,the weird kind of crazy.It was summer holidays when I first saw him.I had just experienced my first heartbreak.I was still very naive and timid at the age of 16 but I guess I was born to be a heartbreaker,you can call it my calling.It was at a family gathering he wore a pair of jeans and a mustard coloured golf T-Shirt however the first thing I noticed of course were his shoes and I must admit,I did not like them.The first timeI set my eyes on him I just knew he was about to be my next mistake but little did he know I was about to become his too.I had heard rumours that the brother to my uncle's wife had come to visit.I had no doubt it was him because he was the only unfamiliar face in the gathering.

We did not talk until the next family gatherimg,we had a lot of mini parties during the festive season back then.I am a shy type so there was no way I was going to aproach him first but I suppose forces of telepathy are quite handy.

"Hey Amelia",I hear a manly voice and automatically assume it was him greeting me,as for how he got my name....well it's a small family.

"Hi Nathalian",again it's a small family so of course I knew his name by then.

"Lovely dress",he comments.

"Thank you"'I smile and I walk away.If you ask me why I did that ,well even this day it still beats me.

Later that evening when a few guests had left I decided to sit on a bench by myself and recollect my thoughts.I do that a lot,create my own preferred reality in my head and get lost in it.Most people call it a safe space,but I could not call it that,calling it a safe space would then mean I was depressed but I wasn't,well maybe I did not know that I was.

"He must be a really lucky guy for you to dream of him even when you are wide awake...",I hear that familliar voice again.

"Very funny",I respond to him in a sarcastic tone.We both laugh it off and end up chatting for the entire night.At some point we exchange contact details and he introduces me to a way of being able to get 100 free sms's per day.We would text each other every single day and we would make it a point that the sms's got depleted before we could even say goodnight.I enjoyed chatting with him,he was good with words,he made me blush on countless occasions.With him I managed to feel beautiful which was something I struggled to do most of the time.He was my safe space and I loved that about him.I loved how he made me feel and I also loved that he was the cousin to the one who broke my heart.

I am not a vindictive type,do not get me wrong however there was a certain thrill about using one cousin to get over the other.I am only realising that he was a what they call a "rebound" now that I am older.Looking back I was just confused I mean I knew I liked talking to him and spending time with him but I never dreamt of kissing him or doing whatever it is that lovers do.I had always thought that was because my love was still innocent and pure back then but now I see that I needed someone that would make me feel like I was not alone while I got over my very first love and Nathalian was just always there at my disposal.