Learning How To Fall

Where I am

Today in particular I woke up with no interest in life.Do you know those days whereby you wake and your reaction to everything is simply "What the hell?".It could just be the tap not wanting to open because of course you are not turning it correctly but all you wanna do is swear so you do just that.The funny thing is that the more you swear the more somehow things just keep falling out of place,It's like some weird domino effect and before you know it your day is perfectly ruined and all you want is some good food and a romantic movie with an unhappy ending just to remind you that there is nothing wrong with your life,you are not imagining things life wants to kill you.It is like some politician said,"It does not want chance takers,it is not for the faint hearted".If I were to tell you the truth though the real reason why I prefer them with sad endings is because they are relatable.All my relationship end just like that but then again I am not so sure if they ever begin at all or if I imagine that they do.

There is this one boy in particular though whom my heart still grows fonder for even in his abscence.He was not my first love,he was my second and no it was never your classic love at first sight kind of love.It was most probably at the millionth sight I can never pinpoint the exact day and time.I just remember one day when I was in class and he was right there at the very front of my mind and I could feel a wave of heat flash through my face a sharp tingling pain on my lower abdomen,it was painful yet enjoyable.I guess I should have known right there and then that that was how loving him was going to feel.That boy could be the most poisonous substance in my possession and I would still be dreaming day and night of consuming him.For most of my final year of high school I had effortlessly permitted him to be my weakness but he never knew.Nobody knew not even two of my best friends.I loved him like a woodpecker loves her dead wood.Our relationship was just that,he was dead on the inside yet somehow I just continuously wanted to mark my territory nonetheless.Our love was messy from the onset,we were both too broken it had no hope of surviving the turmoil of this world .

I have learnt not to let it bother me though,I freelance here and there when it comes to relationships.I do not stay long though because I am easily bored.Consistent attention exhausts me.If you are my man I need you to disappear on me sometimes.It permits me to miss you,ohkay who am I kidding?it permits me to forget you because that is exactly what I need to.I do not really think I have ever really loved anyone after him.I look for him in every other man that approaches me and I get so disapointed when I don't find him there.It is a vicious cycle,someone confesses their love to me I lead them on while I look for him in them then I get disapointed when I do not find him then just like that I break somebody's son's heart and I move on to the next.I look for him everywhere else except the exact place where I know he stays.Stupid I know,but isn't life foolish as whole?no really just think about it.