CONTRACTUAL

Doctor Theodore

A sudden yelp from behind him caused him to jump, splashing water all over himself. He turned around to see the familiar form of the beautiful woman he'd seen earlier. On any other day, he would have fled or said something foolish. But today, he knew that if he was going to escape the restroom, he needed answers about the dreaded vasectomy.

"I'm sorry," he stammered, "I was just trying to figure out what a vasectomy was." Her face contorted in surprise, taken aback by his boldness.

"I beg your pardon?" she exclaimed.

He could feel the awkwardness of the situation, the weight of his odd request. "I know this is weird, but I need to know what a vasectomy is. It's the only way I can face the outside world right now." His eyes pleaded with hers.

She looked him over, assessing the young man who had followed her into the restroom just to ask a strange question. Maybe it was the softness in his eyes or the tentativeness in his voice, but she found herself compelled to play along - though she didn't let her guard down entirely. She would scream if he came any closer.

"A vasectomy," she began slowly, "is a surgical procedure that involves the removal of part or all of the vas deferens, usually as a form of sterilization."

He smiled, relieved but still slightly embarrassed. As if reading his thoughts, she continued, "You're not a medical practitioner, are you? Because the vas deferens is a tube that carries semen."

As he stood there nodding, the weight of his responsibility began to sink in. He needed to not only understand what the term meant, but also offer professional advice. It was no small feat.

"Please, one more thing," he said, looking up at the woman across from him. "Would you advise a couple to have a vasectomy?"

She shrugged. "Well, if they're using it as a form of birth control, it's a total waste of money. And there's always the risk of something going wrong. There are cheaper, less risky options like pills or other procedures. So, in my opinion, it's a no-no."

Relief flooded through him as he processed her words. He smiled and walked towards her, excitement bubbling over. He grabbed her by both shoulders, playfully as though he'd go on his knees.

"You're a lifesaver!" he exclaimed.

Her eyes narrowed as she pushed him away. "Take your hands off me. Get out of here before I scream."

He recoiled, suddenly realizing how his behavior could be misinterpreted. "Okay, okay. I'm leaving. I'm sorry."

He apologized and rushed out of the room and back into the large hall, his handkerchief and iPad laying on the sink.

~~~~~

Trace and Nelson returned to the table, only to find Ted advising Joanna about vasectomy.

"It's a total waste of cash and there is always a risk of the surgery going to the wires, there are pills and several other procedures that are cheaper and less risky, so in my opinion, it's a no-no"

Ted concluded, making Nelson Trace and Joanna applaud him.

“Brilliant”

Nelson echoed, his tone similar to one he might use with a high school student who had just managed to give a correct answer to a complex question. Trace, for her part, was in shock - Ted was never the most medically inclined among their group. She knew he was a teletubby at everything other than video games and, karate. So for Ted to speak so confidently about vasectomy was staggering. Could it be a miracle? Or was there another explanation? Trace was determined to find out, even if the process would be unpleasant.

"Thank you, Dr. Theodore. We appreciate the warning about the risks associated with vasectomies. While it may provide some peace of mind in terms of birth control, we don't want to risk regretting such a significant and costly surgical procedure."

Joanna paused before continuing, "For us, the uncertainty surrounding most forms of birth control makes vasectomy seem like an option worth exploring. Ultimately," she said resolutely, "my husband and I are committed to avoiding the trauma of abortion, so it's better to tread on the side of caution."

"Doctor Theodore, please forgive me for being so forward, but would you marry someone with a medical condition like oesophagus?"

Trace suddenly inquired, feigning ignorance.

Caught off guard by Trace's question, Ted quickly realized what was going on. He felt the hot flush of embarrassment staining his cheeks as he struggled for a clever retort.

Joanna's eyes had a glazed-over look as she stared at Trace, unable to comprehend the question that had just been posed. She stole a glance at Nelson, who averted his gaze before her eyes landed on Ted. His demeanor was agitated, bordering on threatening, as he bristled at the query.

"What kind of question is that? Do you really expect me to answer that?" Ted spat, his eyes drilling into Trace.

Nelson bit his lips, his shoulders shaking slightly as he attempted to suppress a laugh. Trace maintained a poker face, while Joanna couldn't help but notice Ted's confusion. She had spoken with him for hours on end, and now he suddenly seemed to have no idea what an oesophagus was.

"Well," Ted began, choosing his words carefully, "Oesophagus is certainly not the end of the world. If it is detected early and proper medication is administered, it can be managed effectively and minimized to its barest minimum."

Ted let out a huge sigh of relief, his entire body relaxing. Finally, he had managed to pull off the charade of pretending to be a doctor for the whole night, and it had finally paid off. At that moment, Theodore Coker felt like a bona fide doctor.

Laughter erupted from the table like a volcano, leaving Ted in a state of bewilderment. For a moment, he couldn't fathom what had caused the outburst until he realized it was his own words that had sparked their amusement. It was as if a bucket of ice-cold water had been dumped on him, and he felt a twinge of foolishness.

Ted could feel a surge of fury building within him, directed towards Trace and Nelson, who had dragged him into the embarrassing situation. He yearned to wave his hand and banish them from his life, like a genie from a magic lamp.

In an agitated state, Ted rose from the table and marched out, his mind in disarray. As he walked to the white Range Rover waiting outside, he couldn't help but think that this would be his last medical convention.

Once he was seated in the car, Ted's agitation didn't wane. The only thing he wanted now was for the convention to come to an end so he could go home.

He looked around, feeling like something vital was missing, but he couldn't quite put his finger on what it was. He searched the car's interior for any clues that would help him unlock the riddle of his uneasiness.

Finally, he shrugged and conceded, "I'll probably remember what I'm forgetting when I get home." For now, though, he was content to wallow in his discomfort, wishing he were far away from the ignominy that had just befallen him.

Ted stared at his Rolex watch on his wrist and saw that it was 9:02 pm. The feeling he had tried to ignore earlier was now at its peak, almost within his grasp but still tantalizingly elusive.

Impatiently, he muttered, "Where the hell is Trace, and how long is this bloody party going to last?" His voice trailed off into an exasperated sigh as the realization struck him: he had an online football match scheduled for 9:20 pm tonight.

"s**t!" Ted had just remembered, with a sinking feeling in his gut, that he had barely 18 minutes left until the start of the game. He was grateful he hadn't completely forgotten about it, but the iPad he'd brought with him was nowhere in sight.

He searched the car, knowing full well it was unlikely to be there. He distinctly recalled taking it with him to the hall, so he wouldn't forget the game.