MARRIED TO MY EX FATHER IN LAW

TRAUMA BONDING

I can't believe I did that.

I can't believe I actually told him I loved him. Just blurted it out like some desperate i***t. And then I kissed him. Threw myself at him like some pathetic girl who can't take a hint.

And he rejected me.

Not just rejected me. He psychoanalyzed me. Told me I was confused. That I didn't know my own feelings. That I was experiencing trauma bonding.

Trauma bonding.

Like I'm some case study in a psychology textbook instead of a person with actual feelings.

I'm so stupid.

I lie in bed staring at the ceiling, replaying the whole humiliating scene over and over in my head. The way I practically begged him to love me back. The way my voice cracked when I told him how I felt. The way he looked at me with pity in his eyes while he listed all the reasons why this could never work.

God, I want to disappear.

The worst part is that he was kind about it. He didn't laugh at me or tell me to grow up. He was gentle. Understanding. Which somehow makes it so much worse because it means he feels sorry for me.

Poor little Lola. So damaged she can't tell the difference between gratitude and love.

I pull the blanket over my head like I'm five years old hiding from monsters. Except the monster is my own stupidity.

What was I thinking? That Ocean Moretti, powerful Capo who could have any woman he wants, would actually want me? His son's ex-wife? A twenty-three-year-old girl with more baggage than an airport?

Of course he doesn't want me.

He saved me because he's a good man who doesn't believe in beating women. He married me to protect me from being killed or worse. He's been kind to me because that's who he is.

But that doesn't mean he wants me.

I thought the way he looked at me sometimes meant something. I thought the tension between us was real. I thought when our hands touched at dinner and he didn't pull away immediately, it meant he felt it too.

I was wrong.

He was probably just being polite. Probably felt obligated to have dinner with me because I'm living in his house. Probably touches me accidentally sometimes because we're in the same space and it's unavoidable.

And I read into all of it like some naive i***t who's never been shown basic human kindness before.

Which, to be fair, I haven't. But that's exactly his point, isn't it?

I'm so starved for affection that I've mistaken common decency for love.

Maybe he's right. Maybe I am confused. Maybe I don't actually love him. Maybe it is just gratitude and safety and trauma making me feel things that aren't real.

Except...

Except it doesn't feel like confusion. It feels real. It feels like when I see him my whole world gets brighter. It feels like when he smiles at me I forget how to breathe. It feels like when we talk I could listen to his voice forever and never get tired of it.

That's not gratitude. That's not trauma bonding.

That's love.

But apparently I'm too damaged to know the difference.

I hear footsteps in the hallway outside my room. Ocean's footsteps. I'd know them anywhere.

He stops outside my door. I hold my breath.

Please don't knock. Please don't try to talk to me. I can't face him right now.

After a long moment, the footsteps continue down the hall. He's going to his room.

I let out the breath I was holding. Feel relieved and disappointed at the same time.

I can't stay here. I can't keep living in this house, seeing him every day, pretending everything is fine when I just humiliated myself completely.

But where would I go? I have no money. No job. No family. No friends except Hannah.

I'm trapped here. Trapped in a beautiful mansion with a man who pities me.

This is almost worse than being trapped with Ethan. At least with Ethan I knew he hated me. I knew where I stood. There was no confusion about how he felt.

But Ocean? Ocean is kind to me. Protects me. Treats me well. And apparently that was enough to make me fall in love with him and completely misread the situation.

I'm so stupid.

There's a soft knock on my door.

My heart jumps into my throat. "I'm sleeping," I call out.

"No you're not." It's Hannah's voice, not Ocean's. "Let me in."

I don't want to talk to anyone. But Hannah won't leave until I do. I know her well enough by now to know that.

I drag myself out of bed and open the door.

Hannah takes one look at my face and her expression softens. "Oh honey. What happened?"

"Nothing. I'm fine."

"You're clearly not fine. You look like someone died." She pushes past me into the room and sits on my bed. "Talk to me."

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Lola. I heard raised voices downstairs earlier.

Then Ocean went to his office and started drinking. Then you came up here and got in the shower and I'm pretty sure you were crying. Something happened."

I close the door and lean against it. I don't want to talk about this but maybe I need to. Maybe saying it out loud will make it feel less terrible.

"I told Ocean I love him."

Hannah's eyes go wide. "You what?"

"I told him I love him. I kissed him. I basically threw myself at him." The words come out in a rush now that I've started. "And he rejected me. He said I'm confused. That I'm experiencing trauma bonding. That I don't actually love him, I just think I do because he saved me."

"Oh Lola."

"He said I'm too young for him. That he's too old for me. That I need time to heal. That I can't make decisions like this when I'm vulnerable." I slide down to sit on the floor with my back against the door. "He said everything between us is wrong. The age gap. The fact that I was married to his son. The power dynamic. All of it."

Hannah is quiet for a moment. Then she says, "What do you think?"

"I think he's right. I think I'm an i***t who confused kindness with love. I think I'm so desperate for someone to care about me that I invented feelings that don't exist."

"Do you really believe that?"

"I don't know what I believe anymore." I pull my knees up to my chest. "Maybe I am confused. Maybe I have been through too much trauma to think clearly. Maybe I do need more time. I don't know."

"But you said you love him. Do you?"

The question sits in the air between us.

Do I love him?

I think about Ocean. About the way he makes me feel safe without making me feel weak. About how he listens when I talk like what I'm saying actually matters. About how he's never once made me feel stupid or small or worthless.

I think about his smile when he thinks I'm not looking. About how gentle his hands are even though I know how dangerous they can be. About the way his eyes soften when he looks at me.

I think about how my whole body comes alive when he's near. How I look for him in every room. How I save up little things throughout the day that I want to tell him about.

"Yes," I whisper. "I do love him. I really do."

"Then you're not confused."

"But he thinks I am. He thinks I don't know my own mind. And maybe he's right. Maybe I don't."

"Or maybe he's scared." Hannah stands up and comes over to sit on the floor next to me. "Maybe he does love you back but he's too terrified to admit it because of all those reasons he listed."

"Or maybe he just doesn't want me and he's trying to let me down easy."

"I don't think so. I've seen the way he looks at you when you're not paying attention. That's not the way someone looks at a responsibility or an obligation. That's the way someone looks at a person they're trying very hard not to fall for."

"You're just saying that to make me feel better."

"I'm saying it because it's true." She bumps her shoulder against mine. "Ocean is scared. Men like him, men who've been through what he's been through, they don't let people in easily. And when they do start to care about someone, it terrifies them."

"So what am I supposed to do? Just wait around hoping he changes his mind?"

"I don't know. That's up to you." Hannah stands and offers me her hand to help me up. "But I do know one thing. You're not confused. You're not damaged. You're not too young or too anything. You know your own heart. Don't let anyone, not even Ocean, tell you different."

I take her hand and let her pull me to my feet.

"I just feel so stupid," I admit.

"You're not stupid for having feelings. You're human." She hugs me. "Now get some sleep. Things always look better in the morning."

After she leaves, I climb back into bed. But I don't sleep.

I lie there thinking about Ocean. About the kiss. About everything he said.

About how I'm going to face him tomorrow.

About how I'm supposed to live in this house, eat meals with him, see him every day, knowing that he knows how I feel and doesn't feel the same way.

It's going to be torture.

But I don't have a choice. I have nowhere else to go.

So I'll do what I've always done. I'll survive. I'll put on a brave face. I'll pretend I'm fine even when I'm not.

I'll avoid him as much as possible. Keep my distance. Build walls around my stupid heart so it doesn't get hurt again.

And maybe eventually these feelings will fade. Maybe he's right and it is just confusion or trauma or gratitude that will go away with time.

Maybe I don't actually love him at all.

But even as I think it, I know it's a lie.

I do love him.

And that's the worst part of all.