LOVE IS WORTH THE RISK
1630 Words
I can't stop hearing her laugh.
It's been two days since that night in my study. Two days since she almost stayed. Since I almost kissed her. Since everything nearly fell apart.
And all I can think about is the way she laughed.
Not the polite laugh she uses during dinner sometimes. The real one. The one that came out when I made some stupid joke about one of my captains getting chased by a cat. The sound filled my entire study. Made her eyes crinkle. Made her throw her head back.
Made her look free.
I'm sitting in a meeting with Vincent Romano and I can't focus because I'm remembering the way Lola laughed in my study at three in the morning.
"Ocean? Your thoughts?"
Vincent is looking at me expectantly. So is everyone else around the table.
Fuck. What were we talking about?
"I agree with Daniel's assessment," I say, hoping Daniel said something relevant.
Daniel shoots me a look that says we'll talk about this later.
The meeting drags on. Territory agreements. Profit sharing. Things that should have my full attention.
But I keep seeing her face. Keep hearing that laugh. Keep thinking about how close we came to crossing a line we can't uncross.
"You're doing it again," Daniel says the moment we're alone in the car.
"Doing what?"
"That thing where you completely check out of reality because you're thinking about Lola."
I don't deny it. What's the point?
"I can't stop," I admit. "I can't stop thinking about her. It's getting worse."
"Worse how?"
"Every way. I think about her when I wake up. When I'm working. When I'm trying to sleep. I think about her laugh. Her smile. The way she looks at me. The way she..." I stop myself.
"The way she what?"
"The way she makes me feel like maybe I'm not the monster I think I am."
Daniel is quiet for a moment. "You're in love with her."
"No. I'm not. I can't be."
"Why not?"
"Because love is for people who deserve it. And I don't deserve her."
"That's bullshit..."
"It's not." I turn to look at him. "She's twenty-three, Daniel. Twenty-three. I'm forty-nine. That's a twenty-six year age gap. She's closer in age to my son than to me."
"So?"
"So it's wrong. I'm old enough to be her father. What am I supposed to do? Pursue a woman half my age who I only married to save her life?"
"If she wants you too? Yeah. That's exactly what you're supposed to do."
I shake my head. "You don't understand. It's not just the age. It's everything else."
"Like what?"
"Like the fact that she's Ethan's ex-wife. My son's ex-wife. I married my son's ex-wife. How f****d up is that?"
"Ethan gave up any claim to her..."
"It doesn't matter. The optics alone are terrible. People already think I'm losing it. Getting soft. If I actually get involved with her? If this becomes real? They'll say I'm thinking with my d**k instead of my brain."
"Let them say it."
"I can't. I'm the Capo. I can't afford to look weak."
"Loving someone doesn't make you weak."
"It does in our world." I run my hand through my hair. "And that's not even the biggest problem."
"What's the biggest problem?"
"She's traumatized, Daniel. She spent four years being beaten and abused by my son. Four years being told she's worthless. Four years of hell."
"Which is why she deserves to be happy now..."
"But not with me! Don't you get it? She's confused. She thinks she wants me but it's just gratitude. It's just safety. Her brain is mixing up 'this person saved me' with 'I have feelings for this person.'"
"How do you know that?"
"Because that's how trauma works. She's latching onto the first person who's been kind to her. That's not love. That's... that's survival instinct."
"Have you asked her?"
"Asked her what?"
"If what she feels is gratitude or something real."
"No. Because even asking the question puts pressure on her. Makes her think she owes me something."
"So you're just going to decide for her? Decide that she doesn't know her own feelings?"
"I'm protecting her."
"From what?"
"From making a mistake!" The words come out louder than I intended. "From waking up one day and realizing she's married to a criminal twice her age who she doesn't actually love. From being trapped again. From..."
"From being happy?"
I stop. Stare at him.
"That's what you're really afraid of," Daniel says quietly. "Not that she'll regret it. That she won't. That this could actually work and you'd have to let yourself be happy."
"I don't deserve to be happy. Not after everything I've done."
"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard you say."
"It's the truth. I've killed people, Daniel. Ruined lives. Built an empire on blood and violence. I'm not a good man. And Lola deserves someone good."
"She deserves someone who treats her right. Who protects her. Who makes her feel valued and safe and loved. You're already doing all of that."
"As her protector. Not as... not as anything else."
"Why not both?"
"Because I'll f**k it up. That's what I do. I f**k things up. Look at Ethan. Look at my marriage to his mother. Look at every relationship I've ever had. They all end badly because I'm too much of this..." I gesture at myself "...and not enough of what people need."
"Lola's not asking you to be different."
"She should be."
We pull up to the mansion. I get out before Daniel can say anything else.
But his words follow me inside. Into my office. Into my head.
What if this could work?
What if Lola really does want me? Not out of gratitude but because of... me?
What if I'm pushing away something real because I'm too scared to believe I could have it?
I pour myself whiskey. Sit at my desk. Try to work.
But all I can think about is her.
The way she looked at me in my study. The way she said "you wouldn't ruin me" like she meant it.
The way she makes me want to be better. To be worthy of her.
I pull out my phone. Stare at it.
I could text her. Ask her to dinner tonight. Actually talk about this instead of dancing around it.
But what would I say?
"Hey, I know I married you to save your life, but now I'm falling for you and I don't know what to do about it?"
"I think about you constantly and it's driving me insane?"
"You're twenty-three and I'm forty-nine and this is the worst idea ever but I can't seem to stop wanting you?"
No. All of those are terrible.
I set the phone down. Drink my whiskey.
The smart thing to do is maintain distance. Keep our relationship professional. Let her heal without the complication of feelings.
That's what a good man would do.
But I'm not a good man. I'm a selfish bastard who wants her anyway.
Who wants to hear her laugh every day. Who wants to talk to her until three in the morning. Who wants to kiss her until she forgets every bad thing that ever happened to her.
Who wants to love her.
Because that's what this is. Love.
I'm in love with Lola.
Have been for weeks probably. Just didn't want to admit it.
But admitting it changes nothing. Because all the reasons this is wrong are still true.
Age gap. Trauma. Power dynamic. My son. The organization. Everything.
A knock on my door interrupts my spiral.
"Come in."
Hannah enters, looking determined. "We need to talk."
"About?"
"About the fact that you and Lola are both miserable because you're idiots."
"Excuse me?" This lady forgets I'm her boss sometimes.
She sits down uninvited. "You love her. She loves you. Everyone can see it except apparently you two. And instead of doing something about it, you're both moping around like tragic heroes."
"It's complicated..."
"It's not complicated. You want to be with her. She wants to be with you. That's literally all that matters."
"She's twenty-three..."
"And? She's an adult. She can make her own decisions."
"She's traumatized..."
"So help her heal. Be there for her. Love her. That's what trauma survivors need. Support. Not someone deciding they're too broken to know what they want."
"I'm twice her age..."
"Do you love her?"
The question stops me cold.
"That's not relevant..."
"It's the only thing that's relevant. Do you love her? Yes or no?"
I look at Hannah. At this woman who's worked for me for five years and has never once been afraid to tell me the truth.
"Yes," I admit. "I love her."
"Does she make you happy?"
"Yes."
"Do you make her happy?"
"I... I think so."
"Then what's the problem?"
"The problem is I could hurt her. I could make everything worse. I could..."
"You could also make everything better. You could give her a life she's dreamed of. You could be happy together." Hannah leans forward. "But you'll never know if you don't try."
She leaves. And I sit there in my office, alone with my thoughts and my fears and my stupid, inconvenient love for a woman I can't have.
Except maybe I can.
Maybe all the reasons I'm listing, all the obstacles I'm putting up, are just excuses.
Because I'm scared.
Scared of loving her and losing her. Scared of not being enough. Scared of ruining the one good thing in my life.
But maybe being scared isn't a good enough reason to push her away.
Maybe love is worth the risk.
I just don't know if I'm brave enough to take it.
- Writer
