All the Devils are Here

A Glimpse Of Heaven

Fallon

My heartbeat accelerates as I stand outside of Sam’s door waiting for him to open it. A little back story -

About a week ago, I gave him a ride home and ended up spending the night over. Nothing happened. Well something happened but, I stopped it before it got too far. But we did sleep together in the same bed and I had one of my nightmares again. There was a difference, a change in the way he was looking at me the following morning. He wsn’t looking at me the way he usually did but, instead with pity and restrain. Like the way you’d look at something broken. Long story short, he asked me to leave and then to stay and then left me in the living room to go talk to his buddies. So I left.

He was at the White Rabbit this morning a few hours before I close from work. And we had got into something like an argument. Once again, he basically told me to leave. I was pretty upset and honestly, I didn’t expect him to be so blatantly mean.

As I walked back into the White Rabbit, Trinity instantly caught the expression on my face and walked up to check on me. I didn’t know that Sam had gotten to me that bad.

“Honey, what’s wrong?”, she asked knowingly as her eyes glanced over to the entrance where Sam and I just went throuhg not long ago. She must have seen us when we walked out. Or when I ran after him outside.

“It’s nothing”, I replied as dismissively as I could and tried to keep going but, she persisted;

“He can be a handful but, he must be in a lot of pain right now. I heard he lost his dad”, she said with sympathy. I didn’t know. I had thought it was all about me but, Sam’s life does not revolve around me. I felt so horrible for arguing about such a minute issue when he clearly had more important things he was going through. When did he lose his dad?, I wondered. I knew it couldn’t have been before the night we spent together so it had to have been sometime this week. In that instant, I remembered when Asher and Lex came over and I remember the look on their faces. Like they were about to deliver some bad news. My stomach turns as th realization dawned on me. Thye came to break the news that his dad was dead. I could have been there for him. I could have stayed but, I left.

I looked back at Trinity and then I knew what I have to do; “Thank you, Trinity”, I said to her and we parted ways.

Immediately my shift was over, I walked home and took a shower, changed into an outfit that didn’t smell of fancy liquor and fairy dust, and I drove over to his place.

And now here I am. Here I am waiting at his door. I wasn’t even sure if he’d be home but, his car parked outside was my confirmation. I hear faint footsteps approaching the door and I hold my breath as the door slowly swings open.

He opens it and we hold eye contact for a few seconds as he takes a few steps backward giving me room to come in. I shut the door behind me and turn back to him. He doesn’t look surprised at all but, he looks a lot less upset than he did before. Our current state of mind mirror each other; we’re tired of fighting. So I take the first step towards him. Slowly. The way you’d approach someone like you don’t want to scare them away.

“I’m sorry”, I say and what I mean is I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for your loss. I’m sorry for leaving. I’m sorry for having nightmares in your bed and being upset at you for it. I’m sorry I don’t know more about you. I’m sorry the whole duration of our friendship, I’ve only been focused on me. I’m sorry.

He stands still in front of me with his head bowed and his eyes almost shut. I close the space between us and wrap my arsm around him in a hug. My hands go around his waist and he reciprocates hugging me back and he buries his chin in my shoulder as he whispers two words that I know must have been incredibly difficult for him to stay;

“I’m sorry”, he says. Something tells me it’s not something he says often.

We hold each other a little longer, a little tighter and this is the safest I have felt in a very long time; I almost shed a tear. I can’t explain my pull to this man. I can’t explain why the thought of him being upset me so much and now him hugging me like this feels like the best thing in the whole world.

He leans back a bit enough for him to look into my eyes and speak. He shakes his head and says;

“I didn’t mean it when I said you should leave”, he doesn’t know that I don’t even care about that anymore. I just want to be here for him.

“It’s okay, Sam. I shouldn’t have left. I’m sorry, I heard that you lost your dad”, he leans away fully now and now he looks a bit surprised. I shed more clarity on it;

“Trinity told me. She saw us….fighting earlier”, I sense that he’s withdrawing a bit so I add;

“We don’t have to talk about it. I just…..I’ve been so selfish and you have your own s**t going on too.”.

He runs his hands through his hair and sighs deeply then he pulls me in for another hug. I guess we’re okay.

“I get why you thought it was a mistake that you stayed over that night. It’s a bit unsettling to feel like someone is getting too close too soon. That’s how I feel right now”, he confesses as we pull away from the hug but, still stay very close.

“I wasn’t ready for you to find out about my nightmares. Or what causes them. I didn’t want you to look at me different”.

He uses his thumb to move my jaw slightly so that our eyes are locked again and he says matter of factly;

“I’ve always looked at you different, Hera. You’ve always been different”, his thumb gently migrates from my jaw to inches away from my lips as he adds;

“I like that you’re….different”, he places his forehead against mine and i can feel his chest rise and fall a bit more rapidly. I want him to kiss me more than anything in the world. Instead he asks a question that almost throws me off;

“What causes them? The nightmares”, my initial insticnt is to oull away but, I ignore that and follow my heart which wants to just confide in someone for once;

“My brother died last year. That’s why I left”, I begin and I’m shocked at how broken my voice sounds as I fight back whatever urge I have to cry.

“He died in my arms. I watched him die and….I keep revisiting that moment. And all the horrible mistakes that I made that led up to it. It was my fault”, I don’t want him to see me cry so I bury my head in his chest instead. He’s the first person I’ve told about Luca. The first normal person I’ve told anything remotely personal about myself. Suddenly, I’m scared again and I feel like I’m making a mistake.

“I wish I could take your pain”, he whispers almost absent mindedly to himself than to me. I look back up at him and I remember my resolution to myself when I came here tonight. I don’t want our friendship to be centered around me. I want to know more about him;

“Where you and your dad close?”,

“Hardly”, he replies instantly. I guess he notices that that was a very non answer in comparison with mine so he sighs and adds;

“It wasn’t all his fault. I can be handful”, he says and I chuckle a little because that’s exactly what Trinity said. This ligthens the mood up a little and he chuckles a little bit too.

Our lips are just inches away from each other and our chuckling smiles slowly fade away into something much more starved and I think we’re both done trying to ignore the urge to be much more closer than we are now.

"Is that the only reason you're here? Because you pity me?', he asks without moving away. He asks fully knowing that's not the only reason why I am here. We move at the same time and just place our lips against each other for a second. Then our lips collide again and despite how our hands explore each other and our moans compliment each other’s, it’s not enough. I hear him mutter ‘f**k’ right before he gently places his hands around my neck and pins me to the door. Our bodies want to be one everywhere and in every way.

I think he remembers the last time this happened and I stopped him so, he tries to ask me for permission;

“Hera, tell me to stop”, he whispers as he plants kisses on my neck. I can’t tell him to stop. I don’t want him to. Instead I tug on his shirt and He’s help him take it off. He’s back to kissing me on my lips and seconds turn into minutes, minutes turn into an hour and we’ve moved from the door, to the couch and finally to the bedroom.

I lose all concept of time, I forget my name; the real one and the fake, I forget how to breathe, I see a glimpse of heaven and I return back to earth. And he’s right there with me all the way.