All the Devils are Here

Walk Away

I’m standing beside the door of my car and I hesitate to open the door as she steps out of the building and we both find ourselves locked in one of our usual eye locks where neither party is unable to break away from.

“Why are you avoiding me?”, is what she asks in a tone that kind of sets her up to be the victim. Why am I avoiding her? She’s the one who left when I asked her to stay. She’s the one who told me the time we spent together was a mistake. I don’t understand how she thinks I’m avoiding her.

“Says the person who snuck out of my apartment without an explanation”, she bites her bottom lip and slants her eyes to the side before responding;

“I didn’t think you wanted me there”,

“You didn’t think I wanted you there? Even though I asked you to stay?”,

“Yeah, right after you basically told me to f**k off”, she retorts. It’s crazy that we’re getting into this argument when she’s out here looking so beautiful. If I didn’t know, I would have thought she was one of the angels.

Despite how good she’s looking, I’m not going to get distracted from the point. Which is that she’s turning this whole thing around to make it seem like I’m the one in the wrong when I did everything I could to not be the bad guy for once.

“You said you made a mistake”, great now we’re playing a game of who said what out here on the street with people on the queue into the White Rabbit using us as temporary entertainment.

“I didn’t mean it like that”,

“I’m not a f*****g mind reader, Hera. I don’t know how you meant it.”, that seems to upset her and she shakes her head like she’s about to give up on me and leave….again. Instead of drawing back, I push it;

“Go on. Walk away. That’s your signature move anyway”, this causes her to look back at me and the look in her eyes make me feel…….so miserable. Like I’ve broken something or like for the first time she’s seeing me for I truly am. I like to hurt people who hurt me. And that’s when I admit it to myself that the reason I’m acting out is because she hurt me. I didn’t want her to leave then and I don’t want her to leave now.

I should say something. I should undo whatever it is that I’ve done. I should kiss her. But just moments ago I was so certain that there were more important things that I needed to give my attention to but, now it seems like fixing whatever is between us is the most important thing. I have to remind myself that it’s not.

“You can’t tell me to stay one second and then tell me to leave the next second”, her voice sounds a little broken as she says this and I almost break my resolve and reach out to touch her. To tell her I’m sorry. To tell her I actually felt hurt. To tell her I lost my father who never really was a father. To tell her I don’t know how to relate with people properly especially when I care about their opinion of me.

She turns around and walks back in before I say anything. In her defense she gave me a few seconds to reply but, I didn’t know what to say. I swallow down the feeling of frustration and get into my car and speed off recklessly.

It’s not even dawn yet so I drive back home hoping to pass the time before the day breaks and I have to set out for Mantem. Despite how late….or early it is, I’m not the only one on the road. Does this city ever sleep? I won’t be surprised if the anser to that is no.

As I drive home, I take in all the surroundings around me; the towering buildings, flashing pops of light here and there, hookers on the street as always, thriving top class businesses right next to shady looking motels. A city of a million souls and I feel utterly alone. I always felt alone many times before especially when I was in Uptown and there was no one to talk to about my werewolf side. I didn’t know much but, I knew enough to know that if the word got out to the wrong group of people, I could be killed. So I kept my mouth shut until I couldn’t. Until I turned and became a menace. Ofcourse peopel didn’t know that it was me, not even my uncle and aunt but, shortly after my father sent for me to be brought back to the center so I’m sure he knew about my doings.

Even when I returend here, I still felt alone. Atleast back in Uptown, I had a few ‘friends’ in high school and I was popular enough to always have people around me. Here, I was the new kid. That was the first time I started to hear the rumors about me being out of control. Apparently my reputation from Uptown had preceeded me. It felt like I wasnt given the benefit of a doubt and I had already been labelled even before I showed up. Even while I was a pup, all the other pups assumed I was ruthless. Thtat was when I met Asher, Derek, Lex, Dothan and a few others that are no longer with us today.

After a while, it was easy to deceive myself that I had a family now. I had my pack. I had Asher who is perhaps the most genuine person that I’ve encountered despite all the s**t I give him. I had Lex and Dothan who made me feel like I was a part of something. And sometimes the group patrols, the parties, the dungeons even the Hunter torture, they all felt like bonding exercises. And somewhere in my head I thought one day, soon, my father and I’s relatuonship will get better. And maybe he’d tell me more about my mother that’ll help me find peace. But, none of that is going to happen.

I pull into the parking lot and proceed to head into the buidling, ride the elevator to my floor and get into my apartment slightly less pissed than I was but, a lot more melancholic.

I think back to what Lucien said to me about my mother sacrificing her life for me to be here. What did he mean by that? That whole talk with him is making me second guess my plan about going to Mantem to take whoever I feel had a habd in the carelessness that led to the explosion and using them a leverage to threathen the city council.

I remember the look in Lucien’s eyes when he told me not to let her sacrifice be in vain and I remember the look in Hera’s eyes right before she walked away from me. Somehow no matter what I do or say, it feels like I’m disappointing someone.

It’s too late now though. The plan is already in motion and I have to fulfil my end of the bargain. I have to go for the council meeting and I have to leave there knowing the full story of what went down with my father and Slade. I’d do whatever it takes to get answers. It’s especially irritating because it was an explosion so there isn’t even going to be a body for us to bury. We’re just supposed to accept that he’s gone just like that.

Hours have gone by without me noticing and it seems to be dawn already but, I’m not quite ready to set out for Mantem yet. It feels like there is still something I ned to do here. I’m still lost in thought in the living room when I hear a soft knock on the door. Somehow I already know who it is.