Intended Hands

CHAPTER 1

The loud noise woke me up. I woke up crying and my chest feels heavy. Maybe I dreamt about the past, I cannot remember. My mornings are always like this since that day. That day, when I got up and can't remember anything even the name, I used to introduce myself.

“Ava, let’s eat. You’ll be late for your session.” Mom called, still knocking on the door heavily. Mom isn’t my biological mother. They saw me on the road unconscious on their way to a trip to Palawan. They even thought I was dead at first, but luckily, they approached me before things become worse. They got me hospitalized and I woke up after several months in bed, seemingly losing all my memories. I’m so grateful because they didn’t leave me behind, even if they knew I might just be a waste of time and money. After all, once I remembered everything about myself, I could simply leave them. However, they honestly don’t mind me separating as long as I won’t forget them and I’m happy, they said. Ava isn’t my real name, they’ve just given me that name since I can’t remember my own, and they thought Ava actually suits me well. For the past two years, I still don’t remember anything aside from a vague image of a guy who put flowers on my ear.

I don’t know, why do I have to feel this kind of frustration? Why do I have to forget everything about my life, my existence? The doctor says I might have undergone extreme mental and physical trauma, courtesy of the bruises I had when they found me. They’re insinuating that the stress and trauma might have made me forget the past events that happened in my life. I was wondering if ever I got my memory back, would I choose my life before or stay where I am now? Am I ready to face my reality? Will I be ready? I read a lot of tweets from people who wished for amnesia so they could forget about their agony. Will I wish for it as well once I got my memories back? Or did I wish for amnesia before?

I took a bath and went downstairs to eat my breakfast. Minutes passed, and I heard the horn of Lu's car so I said my goodbyes to my parents. Lucius is my boyfriend. We’ve been dating for almost a year now. He eagerly pursued me so I gave him a chance. Although sometimes, I feel like I’m being unfair to him. He loves me so much, yet I can’t reciprocate his love enough. I feel like my heart already belongs to somebody else. I think love will always be that way. Even if you meet a lot of people who pleases your standards, there will always be that sole person who can make your heart flutter. It may sound clichéd, but hearts will always seek out what is rightfully theirs. Yes, even if you don’t want that person or you’ve been hurt by that specific person.

We’re heading to Dr. Urza’s clinic. She’s my friend and therapist. We have an appointment and this would be my last session for almost two years of attempting to stabilize my mental health. My last session is supposed until year-end but I think I can handle myself already. Even though my mom never tells me how much my therapy costs, I know it’s kind of expensive.

“I'll pick you up later.” Said Lu. I don’t like the idea of him picking me up because I like to take a walk in the mall afterward by myself.

“Oh, you don’t have to do that. Dad told me he’ll pick me up.” I lied.

He seems hesitant, but since it’s dad we’re taking about he just nods his head afterward.

He put his arm around me and pulled me towards him. “Hmm okay, take care. I love you.” He kissed me on the forehead and then started the engine.

“Love you.” I plainly replied just for the sake of commitment. Lucius is the ideal boyfriend that every girl could dream about. He's tall, masculine, kind, and tidy, and he comes from a wealthy family. He’s too good to be true for me. I can't believe he has all of the green flags yet I still can’t fall for him. I know you’ll tell me to just break up with him, and don’t waste his time in a nonsense relationship, a one-sided one. Even so, I’m trying my best to reciprocate his love. Every day, I ask God to teach my heart to love Lu. But I just can’t. I can’t fool my heart the like the way I deceived my mind that I loved him.

The conversation lasted for 2 hours. I told my therapist about the places I’d dreamt about for the past few days. I visited some places in my dreams, but every time I stepped on my feet and looked around, I feel cautious and weak. I'm not sure what the issue is or why am I feeling this way. It makes me curious, do I belong to that place or is it the place I despise the most in my previous life?

I went to the mall by myself. I walked over until my toes were numb. It's good to have some time alone, to wander happily without worrying about other people's crap. I sat on the beach near the seaside. Now, I want to enjoy the view of people happily talking. Couples being in love and family having a good bond. I took out the keychain I bought. Earlier, something caught my attention. It's a simple keychain, a translucent sphere with a flower that I saw in my dreams. I bought it because it was cute and familiar to me.

I thought of a phrase I recently read that said, "Stop forcing, start flowing." That, I believe, is what we should do, or should I say what I should do. I should understand that even after a long year of seeking my true identity, I will not be able to remember everything right away. I'll let time do its work. I'll wait and not rush things merely to get what I want. They say that time heals all wounds, in my situation, I think time will recall all wounds. I’ll hold onto that.

I decided to go home after I meditated. My mother was on the phone with someone when I arrived, but as soon as she saw me, she hung up. I nod at her. I was about to go to my room when she called me. I raised my eyebrow waiting for her to speak. What a brat.

“We got you enrolled.” I looked at my mom, confused. I waited for her to continue but she didn’t speak up. Jesus. Why is she making a suspenseful statement? Are we in a game that needs a drum roll and so, before announcing the winner? Do I need a drum to roll?

“I think I need an alternative drum.” She laughs. Is it funny? Am I joking? But she seems to enjoy my face full of frustration.

“What are you saying? What do you mean?” Is she referring to me going to university? And not homeschooled? I mean, how can that be possible? I don’t have any documents. But I shouldn’t have to think about that, they have a lot of connections, so of course, they can enroll me anytime they want. That’s the power of money and status today.

She leans her head on the door and says, “You said you wanted to try something different like going to school and meeting people.” That’s it. I’m really going to school university.

I do remember saying I want to try going to school, walking in the hallway, and having friends. But I didn’t expect that it will be that easy. Nevertheless, I think it’s a great opportunity for me. A first step to remembering the things I forgot.

I held nothing back. I immediately stood up and hugged mom. I know I’m such a baby for acting like this but who cares. I’m too happy to even care. I think I’m the luckiest adopted child alive.