In Our Dreams

Forbidden Concepts

Aris could still feel where his hand had held hers. She could still feel, even if it had only been for a moment, his energy on her, around her. She felt somewhat empty and hollow in a way she couldn't quite understand. She missed him, her angel. He wasn't a boy anymore. He was almost a man now. She thought that maybe he wasn't an angel since she wasn't either. She concluded he must be a person too. The most beautiful, handsom person she had ever seen. She couldn't stop thinking about him. She loved him somehow.

She shut her eyes and remembered what she could. It was very little. She remembered how he felt when he touched her. She remembered his warmth and how safe she felt with him even if she was in crisis. Why couldn't she stop thinking about him. She remembered his smell. She remembered the beach. She remembered every single thing she could, and she tried to feel them all again. She craved it. Suddenly she felt very dizzy and disoriented... She opened her eyes..

She was still in her hospital room, but she could feel the warm breeze of the ocean on her skin, and she could smell the salt of the sea. She could hear his voice calling her name. She felt so strange, like existing in two places at once. She felt his hand on her shoulder. She froze. She looked around, expecting to see someone there. But no one was there. "I'm here." She could feel the words inside, like a knowing. "Trust, I'm with you."....She, she took a deep breath and felt a bit of peace for a single moment, but her mind reminded her he wasn't really there. "You said you would come for me." Aris thought. She felt her heart breaking. The silence was deafening, and the feel of the warm breeze was gone. The pain she felt in that thought broke her little heart over and over again in ways she couldn't begin to comprehend. She cried until she fell to sleep.

***

She had been there. She came herself. She was on their beach. Alex felt his heart wrenching, She had manifested only for a moment, and so quickly she was gone, but she had been there. He knew her name now, her whole name. He knew where she lived. But he couldn't go to her, she was a child. Why would he even think about that, Alex thought to himself.

There was a gush of pure s****l energy that rushed through his groin. He pushed the feeling back as hard as he could. He pushed her back as hard as he could. He could feel her heart beating wildly. He could feel the crushing inside that felt empty and miserable and like a million tiny slow ripples of agony all over his body.

He needed space from her and fast. Alex took a deep breath, and another, and another. He could feel her in every awareness. He focused instead outwardly... he focused on the beach, and he focused on the waves crashing against the sand... He focused on the individual grains that made up the beach. He suddenly lost all reality as everything infant of his eyes faded, and he found himself looking at his real reality.

He saw his desk and his books, He saw the sunlight streaming into his room from the window. He saw himself in the mirror sitting in aasana position on his bed. What the hell just happened, he thought. Alex quickly realized boundaries also meant barriers. If it must be this way, then so be it. He would operate in other ways. He had to. He must. He hated himself for all the things he was feeling. It made him feel sick and shameful.

Alex crumpled up the note he had jotted her address down on. Hopefully, he could forget the details with time. He didn't expect he would, but at least he wouldn't have to look at it and be reminded anymore than he already was. Alex had learned to tune it out. Sometimes, it would get through.

Days passed for Alex, and he found himself fully and wholly locked out of his internal world. He found himself feeling quite numb, and nothing that usually worked would work. He went to his classes, and he couldn't focus. He didn't feel motivated for life. He worked out. He pushed himself to the brink. He would keep busy. It felt like a war was raging inside himself. He felt like his soul being torn in a million pieces. He couldn't take it anymore. He punched his metal desk until his hand was broken and bloody. But even with so much pain, the emotions still slipped in.

***

Aris waited in the wheelchair for her aunt to return with her release papers. She was going home today. Her mother would stay. Her sister was gone. Her dad was home and recovered. She was thankful he aunt had come for her. She would be staying indefinitely.

"Alright lady, you ready to get out of here?!?!" Carrie said as she tried her best to put on a pleasant face. Aris slightly lifted her mouth into a smile. It faded just as quickly. "Yeah, I'm ready, Auntie." Aris said. Carrie started pushing the wheel chair out of the hospital room and down the hallway to the elevator. She had been in the hospital for three days. "We have to take a detour through the ER. There was no parking on this side of the hospital chicklette." Carrie said as she turned the wheel chair around the corner, skipping the elevators to the hospital parking lot. They followed the red line around a million twists and turns.

Finally, they were at the ER entrance. Carrie pushed the wheel chair button, and the doors slowly swung open. Carrie pushed Aris through the door into the ER waiting room. Just a few more feet, and they would be outside and headed to the car. Carrie parked Aris's chair by the door. "Sit tight, my love, I'll go get the car." Carrie said. "I feel like I can walk just fine, Auntie." Aris said. "It's just policy, sweetie. I'll be right back." Carrie gave her shoulders a firm, but gentle pat, meaning stay.

Aris watched Carrie briskly walk out the sliding double doors. Her heart stopped. Walking through the doors was her angel. Her heart started beating wildly as she stood, the blanket wrapped around her legs shirking to the ground. Hot blood rushed through her body. He was walking to the receptionist. She took a step towards him. "Angel..." She heard herself saying quietly...he kept walking. "Angel," She said again, louder. Alex stopped. The world tilted on its axis as he felt a rod magnetized in his body, preventing him from moving. "Angel!" He heard in a paniced voice. He turned slowly until there she was. Aris was standing less than 15 feet away from him. She ran to him, leaping over her blanket, stumbling to stand firmly on her own legs. She crashed into him. All he could do was stand there, frozen. He did not close his arms around her, though he did attempt to keep the rag covering his bloody broken hand from touching her or dripping on her.

It felt like several long moments before Aris realized he wasn't hugging her back. She turned her head upwards to look at him. He was staring back at her. He looked wild and angry. He took several steps backward. "Angel, don't you recognize me! It's me!" She reached to grab his hand. He pulled back further. Aris's eye began to water, and her face tensed. This couldn't be happening. "Talk to me!" She screamed. The lights flickered. Aunt Carrie came strolling back into the ER to see her quiet little niece screaming at a young man in the lobby.

Carried grabbed the wheelchair and blanket, smoothly pulling it up behind Aris. She wrapped the blanket around Aris, who was shaking and crying now. Carrie looked at Alex with an apologetic expression. "I'm sorry, Sir, we've been through a tragedy." Carrie said to him as she pulled Aris in the chair. Alex continued to stare silently at Aris. Carrier began to wheel Aris out the door, who was now crying hysterically, asking why over and over. That could not have gone any worse.