The Circle

The Second Act

The Scene is the same as in the preceding Act.

It is afternoon. When the curtain rises Porteous and Lady Kitty, Anna and Teddie are playing bridge. Elizabeth and Champion-Cheney are watching. Porteous and Lady Kitty are partners.

C.-C. When will Arnold be back, Elizabeth?

Elizabeth. Soon, I think.

C.-C. Is he addressing a meeting?

Elizabeth. No, its only a conference with his agent and one or two constituents.

Porteous. [Irritably.] How anyone can be expected to play bridge when people are shouting at the top of their voices all round them, I for one cannot understand.

Elizabeth. [Smiling.] Im so sorry.

Anna. I can see your hand, Lord Porteous.

Porteous. It may help you.

Lady Kitty. Ive told you over and over again to hold your cards up. It ruins ones game when one cant help seeing ones opponents hand.

Porteous. One isnt obliged to look.

Lady Kitty. What was Arnolds majority at the last election?

Elizabeth. Seven hundred and something.

C.-C. Hell have to fight for it if he wants to keep his seat next time.

Porteous. Are we playing bridge, or talking politics?

Lady Kitty. I never find that conversation interferes with my game.

Porteous. You certainly play no worse when you talk than when you hold your tongue.

Lady Kitty. I think thats a very offensive thing to say, Hughie. Just because I dont play the same game as you do you think I cant play.

Porteous. Im glad you acknowledge its not the same game as I play. But why in Gods name do you call it bridge?

C.-C. I agree with Kitty. I hate people who play bridge as though they were at a funeral and knew their feet were getting wet.

Porteous. Of course you take Kittys part.

Lady Kitty. Thats the least he can do.

C.-C. I have a naturally cheerful disposition.

Porteous. Youve never had anything to sour it.

Lady Kitty. I dont know what you mean by that, Hughie.

Porteous. [Trying to contain himself.] Must you trump my ace?

Lady Kitty. [Innocently.] Oh, was that your ace, darling?

Porteous. [Furiously.] Yes, it was my ace.

Lady Kitty. Oh, well, it was the only trump I had. I shouldnt have made it anyway.

Porteous. You neednt have told them that. Now she knows exactly what Ive got.

Lady Kitty. She knew before.

Porteous. How could she know?

Lady Kitty. She said shed seen your hand.

Anna. Oh, I didnt. I said I could see it.

Lady Kitty. Well, I naturally supposed that if she could see it she did.

Porteous. Really, Kitty, you have the most extraordinary ideas.

C.-C. Not at all. If anyone is such a fool as to show me his hand, of course I look at it.

Porteous. [Fuming.] If you study the etiquette of bridge, youll discover that onlookers are expected not to interfere with the game.

C.-C. My dear Hughie, this is a matter of ethics, not of bridge.

Anna. Anyhow, I get the game. And rubber.

Teddie. I claim a revoke.

Porteous. Who revoked?

Teddie. You did.

Porteous. Nonsense. Ive never revoked in my life.

Teddie. Ill show you. [He turns over the tricks to show the faces of the cards.] You threw away a club on the third heart trick and you had another heart.

Porteous. I never had more than two hearts.

Teddie. Oh, yes, you had. Look here. Thats the card you played on the last trick but one.

Lady Kitty. [Delighted to catch him out.] Theres no doubt about it, Hughie. You revoked.

Porteous. I tell you I did not revoke. I never revoke.

C.-C. You did, Hughie. I wondered what on earth you were doing.

Porteous. I dont know how anyone can be expected not to revoke when theres this confounded chatter going on all the time.

Teddie. Well, thats another hundred to us.

Porteous. [To Champion-Cheney.] I wish you wouldnt breathe down my neck. I never can play bridge when theres somebody breathing down my neck.

[The party have risen from the bridge-table, and they scatter about the room.

Anna. Well, Im going to take a book and lie down in the hammock till its time to dress.

Teddie. [Who has been adding up.] Ill put it down in the book, shall I?

Porteous. [Who has not moved, setting out the cards for a patience.] Yes, yes, put it down. I never revoke.

[Anna goes out.

Lady Kitty. Would you like to come for a little stroll, Hughie?

Porteous. What for?

Lady Kitty. Exercise.

Porteous. I hate exercise.

C.-C. [Looking at the patience.] The seven goes on the eight.

[Porteous takes no notice.

Lady Kitty. The seven goes on the eight, Hughie.

Porteous. I dont choose to put the seven on the eight.

C.-C. That knave goes on the queen.

Porteous. Im not blind, thank you.

Lady Kitty. The three goes on the four.

C.-C. All these go over.

Porteous. [Furiously.] Am I playing this patience, or are you playing it?

Lady Kitty. But youre missing everything.

Porteous. Thats my business.

C.-C. Its no good losing your temper over it, Hughie.

Porteous. Go away, both of you. You irritate me.

Lady Kitty. We were only trying to help you, Hughie.

Porteous. I dont want to be helped. I want to do it by myself.

Lady Kitty. I think your manners are perfectly deplorable, Hughie.

Porteous. Its simply maddening when youre playing patience and people wont leave you alone.

C.-C. We wont say another word.

Porteous. That three goes. I believe its coming out. If Id been such a fool as to put that seven up I shouldnt have been able to bring these down.

[He puts down several cards while they watch him silently.

Lady Kitty and C.-C. [Together.] The four goes on the five.

Porteous. [Throwing down the cards violently.] Damn you! why dont you leave me alone? Its intolerable.

C.-C. It was coming out, my dear fellow.

Porteous. I know it was coming out. Confound you!

Lady Kitty. How petty you are, Hughie!

Porteous. Petty, be damned! Ive told you over and over again that I will not be interfered with when Im playing patience.

Lady Kitty. Dont talk to me like that, Hughie.

Porteous. I shall talk to you as I please.

Lady Kitty. [Beginning to cry.] Oh, you brute! You brute! [She flings out of the room.]

Porteous. Oh, damn! now shes going to cry.

[He shambles out into the garden. Champion-Cheney, Elizabeth and Teddie are left alone. There is a moments pause. Champion-Cheney looks from Teddie to Elizabeth, with an ironical smile.

C.-C. Upon my soul, they might be married. They frip so much.

Elizabeth. [Frigidly.] Its been nice of you to come here so often since they arrived. Its helped to make things easy.

C.-C. Irony? Its a rhetorical form not much favoured in this blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England.

Elizabeth. What exactly are you getting at?

C.-C. How slangy the young women of the present day are! I suppose the fact that Arnold is a purist leads you to the contrary extravagance.

Elizabeth. Anyhow you know what I mean.

C.-C. [With a smile.] I have a dim, groping suspicion.

Elizabeth. You promised to keep away. Why did you come back the moment they arrived?

C.-C. Curiosity, my dear child. A surely pardonable curiosity.

Elizabeth. And since then youve been here all the time. You dont generally favour us with so much of your company when youre down at your cottage.

C.-C. Ive been excessively amused.

Elizabeth. It has struck me that whenever they started fripping you took a malicious pleasure in goading them on.

C.-C. I dont think theres much love lost between them now, do you?

[Teddie is making as though to leave the room.

Elizabeth. Dont go, Teddie.

C.-C. No, please dont. Im only staying a minute. We were talking about Lady Kitty just before she arrived. [To Elizabeth.] Do you remember? The pale, frail lady in black satin and old lace.

Elizabeth. [With a chuckle.] You are a devil, you know.

C.-C. Ah, well, hes always had the reputation of being a humorist and a gentleman.

Elizabeth. Did you expect her to be like that, poor dear?

C.-C. My dear child, I hadnt the vaguest idea. You were asking me the other day what she was like when she ran away. I didnt tell you half. She was so gay and so natural. Who would have thought that animation would turn into such frivolity, and that charming impulsiveness lead to such a ridiculous affectation?

Elizabeth. It rather sets my nerves on edge to hear the way you talk of her.

C.-C. Its the truth that sets your nerves on edge, not I.

Elizabeth. You loved her once. Have you no feeling for her at all?

C.-C. None. Why should I?

Elizabeth. Shes the mother of your son.

C.-C. My dear child, you have a charming nature, as simple, frank, and artless as hers was. Dont let pure humbug obscure your common sense.

Elizabeth. We have no right to judge. Shes only been here two days. We know nothing about her.

C.-C. My dear, her soul is as thickly rouged as her face. She hasnt an emotion thats sincere. Shes tinsel. You think Im a cruel, cynical old man. Why, when I think of what she was, if I didnt laugh at what she has become I should cry.

Elizabeth. How do you know she wouldnt be just the same now if shed remained your wife? Do you think your influence would have had such a salutary effect on her?

C.-C. [Good-humouredly.] I like you when youre bitter and rather insolent.

Elizabeth. Dyou like me enough to answer my question?

C.-C. She was only twenty-seven when she went away. She might have become anything. She might have become the woman you expected her to be. There are very few of us who are strong enough to make circumstances serve us. We are the creatures of our environment. Shes a silly, worthless woman because shes led a silly, worthless life.

Elizabeth. [Disturbed.] Youre horrible to-day.

C.-C. I dont say its I who could have prevented her from becoming this ridiculous caricature of a pretty woman grown old. But life could. Here she would have had the friends fit to her station, and a decent activity, and worthy interests. Ask her what her life has been all these years among divorced women and kept women and the men who consort with them. There is no more lamentable pursuit than a life of pleasure.

Elizabeth. At all events she loved and she loved greatly. I have only pity and affection for her.

C.-C. And if she loved what dyou think she felt when she saw that she had ruined Hughie? Look at him. He was tight last night after dinner and tight the night before.

Elizabeth. I know.

C.-C. And she took it as a matter of course. How long do you suppose hes been getting tight every night? Do you think he was like that thirty years ago? Can you imagine that that was a brilliant young man, whom everyone expected to be Prime Minister? Look at him now. A grumpy sodden old fellow with false teeth.

Elizabeth. You have false teeth, too.

C.-C. Yes, but damn it all, they fit. Shes ruined him and she knows shes ruined him.

Elizabeth. [Looking at him suspiciously.] Why are you saying all this to me?

C.-C. Am I hurting your feelings?

Elizabeth. I think Ive had enough for the present.

C.-C. Ill go and have a look at the gold-fish. I want to see Arnold when he comes in. [Politely.] Im afraid weve been boring Mr. Luton.

Teddie. Not at all.

C.-C. When are you going back to the F.M.S.?

Teddie. In about a month.

C.-C. I see.

[He goes out.

Elizabeth. I wonder what he has at the back of his head.

Teddie. Dyou think he was talking at you?

Elizabeth. Hes as clever as a bagful of monkeys.

[There is a moments pause. Teddie hesitates a little and when he speaks it is in a different tone. He is grave and somewhat nervous.

Teddie. It seems very difficult to get a few minutes alone with you. I wonder if youve been making it difficult?

Elizabeth. I wanted to think.

Teddie. Ive made up my mind to go away to-morrow.

Elizabeth. Why?

Teddie. I want you altogether or not at all.

Elizabeth. Youre so arbitrary.

Teddie. You said youyou said you cared for me.

Elizabeth. I do.

Teddie. Do you mind if we talk it over now?

Elizabeth. No.

Teddie. [Frowning.] It makes me feel rather shy and awkward. Ive repeated to myself over and over again exactly what I want to say to you, and now all Id prepared seems rather footling.

Elizabeth. Im so afraid Im going to cry.

Teddie. I feel its all so tremendously serious and I think we ought to keep emotion out of it. Youre rather emotional, arent you?

Elizabeth. [Half smiling and half in tears.] So are you for the matter of that.

Teddie. Thats why I wanted to have everything I meant to say to you cut and dried. I think it would be awfully unfair if I made love to you and all that sort of thing, and you were carried away. I wrote it all down and thought Id send it you as a letter.

Elizabeth. Why didnt you?

Teddie. I got the wind up. A letter seems soso cold. You see, I love you so awfully.

Elizabeth. For goodness sake dont say that.

Teddie. You mustnt cry. Please dont, or I shall go all to pieces.

Elizabeth. [Trying to smile.] Im sorry. It doesnt mean anything really. Its only tears running out of my eyes.

Teddie. Our only chance is to be awfully matter-of-fact.

[He stops for a moment. He finds it quite difficult to control himself. He clears his throat. He frowns with annoyance at himself.

Elizabeth. Whats the matter?

Teddie. Ive got a sort of lump in my throat. It is idiotic. I think Ill have a cigarette.

[She watches him in silence while he lights a cigarette.

You see, Ive never been in love with anyone before, not really. Its knocked me endways. I dont know how I can live without you now. . . . Does that old fool know Im in love with you?

Elizabeth. I think so.

Teddie. When he was talking about Lady Kitty smashing up Lord Porteous career I thought there was something at the back of it.

Elizabeth. I think he was trying to persuade me not to smash up yours.

Teddie. Im sure thats very considerate of him, but I dont happen to have one to smash. I wish I had. Its the only time in my life Ive wished I were a hell of a swell so that I could chuck it all and show you how much more you are to me than anything else in the world.

Elizabeth. [Affectionately.] Youre a dear old thing, Teddie.

Teddie. You know, I dont really know how to make love, but if I did I couldnt do it now because I just want to be absolutely practical.

Elizabeth. [Chaffing him.] Im glad you dont know how to make love. It would be almost more than I could bear.

Teddie. You see, Im not at all romantic and that sort of thing. Im just a common or garden business man. All this is so dreadfully serious and I think we ought to be sensible.

Elizabeth. [With a break in her voice.] You owl!

Teddie. No, Elizabeth, dont say things like that to me. I want you to consider all the pros and cons, and my hearts thumping against my chest, and you know I love you, I love you, I love you.

Elizabeth. [In a sigh of passion.] Oh, my precious!

Teddie. [Impatiently, but with himself, rather than with Elizabeth.] Dont be idiotic, Elizabeth. Im not going to tell you that I cant live without you and a lot of muck like that. You know that you mean everything in the world to me. [Almost giving it up as a bad job.] Oh, my God!

Elizabeth. [Her voice faltering.] Dyou think theres anything you can say to me that I dont know already?

Teddie. [Desperately.] But I havent said a single thing I wanted to. Im a business man and I want to put it all in a business way, if you understand what I mean.

Elizabeth. [Smiling.] I dont believe youre a very good business man.

Teddie. [Sharply.] You dont know what youre talking about. Im a first-rate business man, but somehow this is different. [Hopelessly.] I dont know why it wont go right.

Elizabeth. What are we going to do about it?

Teddie. You see, its not just because youre awfully pretty that I love you. Id love you just as much if you were old and ugly. Its you I love, not what you look like. And its not only love; love be blowed! Its that I like you so tremendously. I think youre such a ripping good sort. I just want to be with you. I feel so jolly and happy just to think youre there. Im so awfully fond of you.

Elizabeth. [Laughing through her tears.] I dont know if this is your idea of introducing a business proposition.

Teddie. Damn you, you wont let me.

Elizabeth. You said Damn you.

Teddie. I meant it.

Elizabeth. Your voice sounded as if you meant it, you perfect duck!

Teddie. Really, Elizabeth, youre intolerable.

Elizabeth. Im doing nothing.

Teddie. Yes, you are, youre putting me off my blow. What I want to say is perfectly simple. Im a very ordinary business man.

Elizabeth. Youve said that before.

Teddie. [Angrily.] Shut up. I havent got a bob besides what I earn. Ive got no position. Im nothing. Youre rich and youre a big pot and youve got everything that anyone can want. Its awful cheek my saying anything to you at all. But after all theres only one thing that really matters in the world, and thats love. I love you. Chuck all this, Elizabeth, and come to me.

Elizabeth. Are you cross with me?

Teddie. Furious.

Elizabeth. Darling!

Teddie. If you dont want me tell me so at once and let me get out quickly.

Elizabeth. Teddie, nothing in the world matters anything to me but you. Ill go wherever you take me. I love you.

Teddie. [All to pieces.] Oh, my God!

Elizabeth. Does it mean as much to you as that? Oh, Teddie!

Teddie. [Trying to control himself.] Dont be a fool, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth. Its youre the fool. Youre making me cry.

Teddie. Youre so damned emotional.

Elizabeth. Damned emotional yourself. Im sure youre a rotten business man.

Teddie. I dont care what you think. Youve made me so awfully happy. I say, what a lark lifes going to be!

Elizabeth. Teddie, you are an angel.

Teddie. Lets get out quick. Its no good wasting time. Elizabeth.

Elizabeth. What?

Teddie. Nothing. I just like to say Elizabeth.

Elizabeth. You fool!

Teddie. I say, can you shoot?

Elizabeth. No.

Teddie. Ill teach you. You dont know how ripping it is to start out from your camp at dawn and travel through the jungle. And youre so tired at night and the skys all starry. Its a fair treat. Of course I didnt want to say anything about all that till youd decided. Id made up my mind to be absolutely practical.

Elizabeth. [Chaffing him.] The only practical thing you said was that love is the only thing that really matters.

Teddie. [Happily.] Pull the other leg next time, will you? I should have to have one longer than the other.

Elizabeth. Isnt it fun being in love with some one whos in love with you?

Teddie. I say, I think Id better clear out at once, dont you? It seems rather rotten to stay on inin this house.

Elizabeth. You cant go to-night. Theres no train.

Teddie. Ill go to-morrow. Ill wait in London till youre ready to join me.

Elizabeth. Im not going to leave a note on the pincushion like Lady Kitty, you know. Im going to tell Arnold.

Teddie. Are you? Dont you think therell be an awful bother?

Elizabeth. I must face it. I should hate to be sly and deceitful.

Teddie. Well, then, lets face it together.

Elizabeth. No, Ill talk to Arnold by myself.

Teddie. You wont let anyone influence you?

Elizabeth. No.

[He holds out his hand and she takes it. They look into one anothers eyes with grave, almost solemn affection. There is the sound outside of a car driving up.

Elizabeth. Theres the car. Arnolds come back. I must go and bathe my eyes. I dont want them to see Ive been crying.

Teddie. All right. [As she is going.] Elizabeth.

Elizabeth. [Stopping.] What?

Teddie. Bless you.

Elizabeth. [Affectionately.] i***t!

[She goes out of the door and Teddie through the French window into the garden. For an instant the room is empty. Arnold comes in. He sits down and takes some papers out of his despatch-case. Lady Kitty enters. He gets up.

Lady Kitty. I saw you come in. Oh, my dear, dont get up. Theres no reason why you should be so dreadfully polite to me.

Arnold. Ive just rung for a cup of tea.

Lady Kitty. Perhaps we shall have the chance of a little talk. We dont seem to have had five minutes by ourselves. I want to make your acquaintance, you know.

Arnold. I should like you to know that its not by my wish that my father is here.

Lady Kitty. But Im so interested to see him.

Arnold. I was afraid that you and Lord Porteous must find it embarrassing.

Lady Kitty. Oh, no. Hughie was his greatest friend. They were at Eton and Oxford together. I think your father has improved so much since I saw him last. He wasnt good-looking as a young man, but now hes quite handsome.

[The Footman brings in a tray on which are tea-things.

Lady Kitty. Shall I pour it out for you?

Arnold. Thank you very much.

Lady Kitty. Do you take sugar?

Arnold. No. I gave it up during the war.

Lady Kitty. So wise of you. Its so bad for the figure. Besides being patriotic, of course. Isnt it absurd that I should ask my son if he takes sugar or not? Life is really very quaint. Sad, of course, but oh, so quaint! Often I lie in bed at night and have a good laugh to myself as I think how quaint life is.

Arnold. Im afraid Im a very serious person.

Lady Kitty. How old are you now, Arnold?

Arnold. Thirty-five.

Lady Kitty. Are you really? Of course, I was a child when I married your father.

Arnold. Really. He always told me you were twenty-two.

Lady Kitty. Oh, what nonsense! Why, I was married out of the nursery. I put my hair up for the first time on my wedding-day.

Arnold. Where is Lord Porteous?

Lady Kitty. My dear, it sounds too absurd to hear you call him Lord Porteous. Why dont you call himUncle Hughie?

Arnold. He doesnt happen to be my uncle.

Lady Kitty. No, but hes your godfather. You know, Im sure youll like him when you know him better. Im so hoping that you and Elizabeth will come and stay with us in Florence. I simply adore Elizabeth. Shes too beautiful.

Arnold. Her hair is very pretty.

Lady Kitty. Its not touched up, is it?

Arnold. Oh, no.

Lady Kitty. I just wondered. Its rather a coincidence that her hair should be the same colour as mine. I suppose it shows that your father and you are attracted by just the same thing. So interesting, heredity, isnt it?

Arnold. Very.

Lady Kitty. Of course, since I joined the Catholic Church I dont believe in it any more. Darwin and all that sort of thing. Too dreadful. Wicked, you know. Besides, its not very good form, is it?

[Champion-Cheney comes in from the garden.

C.-C. Do I intrude?

Lady Kitty. Come in, Clive. Arnold and I have been having such a wonderful heart-to-heart talk.

C.-C. Very nice.

Arnold. Father, I stepped in for a moment at the Harveys on my way back. Its simply criminal what theyre doing with that house.

C.-C. What are they doing?

Arnold. Its an almost perfect Georgian house and theyve got a lot of dreadful Victorian furniture. I gave them my ideas on the subject, but its quite hopeless. They said they were attached to their furniture.

C.-C. Arnold should have been an interior decorator.

Lady Kitty. He has wonderful taste. He gets that from me.

Arnold. I suppose I have a certain flair. I have a passion for decorating houses.

Lady Kitty. Youve made this one charming.

C.-C. Dyou remember, we just had chintzes and comfortable chairs when we lived here, Kitty.

Lady Kitty. Perfectly hideous, wasnt it?

C.-C. In those days gentlemen and ladies were not expected to have taste.

Arnold. You know, Ive been looking at this chair again. Since Lord Porteous said the legs werent right Ive been very uneasy.

Lady Kitty. He only said that because he was in a bad temper.

C.-C. His temper seems to me very short these days, Kitty.

Lady Kitty. Oh, it is.

Arnold. You feel he knows what hes talking about. I gave seventy-five pounds for that chair. Im very seldom taken in. I always think if a things right you feel it.

C.-C. Well, dont let it disturb your nights rest.

Arnold. But, my dear father, thats just what it does. I had a most horrible dream about it last night.

Lady Kitty. Here is Hughie.

Arnold. Im going to fetch a book I have on Old English furniture. Theres an illustration of a chair which is almost identical with this one.

[Porteous comes in.

Porteous. Quite a family gathering, by George!

C.-C. I was thinking just now wed make a very pleasing picture of a typical English home.

Arnold. Ill be back in five minutes. Theres something I want to show you, Lord Porteous.

[He goes out.

C.-C. Would you like to play piquet with me, Hughie?

Porteous. Not particularly.

C.-C. You were never much of a piquet player, were you?

Porteous. My dear Clive, you people dont know what piquet is in England.

C.-C. Lets have a game then. You may make money.

Porteous. I dont want to play with you.

Lady Kitty. I dont know why not, Hughie.

Porteous. Let me tell you that I dont like your manner.

C.-C. Im sorry for that. Im afraid I cant offer to change it at my age.

Porteous. I dont know what you want to be hanging around here for.

C.-C. A natural attachment to my home.

Porteous. If youd had any tact youd have kept out of the way while we were here.

C.-C. My dear Hughie, I dont understand your attitude at all. If Im willing to let bygones be bygones why should you object?

Porteous. Damn it all, theyre not bygones.

C.-C. After all, I am the injured party.

Porteous. How the devil are you the injured party?

C.-C. Well, you did run away with my wife, didnt you?

Lady Kitty. Now, dont lets go into ancient history. I cant see why we shouldnt all be friends.

Porteous. I beg you not to interfere, Kitty.

Lady Kitty. Im very fond of Clive.

Porteous. You never cared two straws for Clive. You only say that to irritate me.

Lady Kitty. Not at all. I dont see why he shouldnt come and stay with us.

C.-C. Id love to. I think Florence in spring-time is delightful. Have you central heating?

Porteous. I never liked you, I dont like you now, and I never shall like you.

C.-C. How very unfortunate! because I liked you, I like you now, and I shall continue to like you.

Lady Kitty. Theres something very nice about you, Clive.

Porteous. If you think that, why the devil did you leave him?

Lady Kitty. Are you going to reproach me because I loved you? How utterly, utterly, utterly detestable you are!

C.-C. Now, now, dont quarrel with one another.

Lady Kitty. Its all his fault. Im the easiest person in the world to live with. But really hed try the patience of a saint.

C.-C. Come, come, dont get upset, Kitty. When two people live together there must be a certain amount of give and take.

Porteous. I dont know what the devil youre talking about.

C.-C. It hasnt escaped my observation that you are a little inclined to frip. Many couples are. I think its a pity.

Porteous. Would you have the very great kindness to mind your own business?

Lady Kitty. It is his business. He naturally wants me to be happy.

C.-C. I have the very greatest affection for Kitty.

Porteous. Then why the devil didnt you look after her properly?

C.-C. My dear Hughie, you were my greatest friend. I trusted you. It may have been rash.

Porteous. It was inexcusable.

Lady Kitty. I dont know what you mean by that, Hughie.

Porteous. Dont, dont, dont try and bully me, Kitty.

Lady Kitty. Oh, I know what you mean.

Porteous. Then why the devil did you say you didnt?

Lady Kitty. When I think that I sacrificed everything for that man! And for thirty years Ive had to live in a filthy marble palace with no sanitary conveniences.

C.-C. Dyou mean to say you havent got a bathroom?

Lady Kitty. Ive had to wash in a tub.

C.-C. My poor Kitty, how youve suffered!

Porteous. Really, Kitty, Im sick of hearing of the sacrifices you made. I suppose you think I sacrificed nothing. I should have been Prime Minister by now if it hadnt been for you.

Lady Kitty. Nonsense!

Porteous. What do you mean by that? Everyone said I should be Prime Minister. Shouldnt I have been Prime Minister, Clive?

C.-C. It was certainly the general expectation.

Porteous. I was the most promising young man of my day. I was bound to get a seat in the Cabinet at the next election.

Lady Kitty. Theyd have found you out just as Ive found you out. Im sick of hearing that I ruined your career. You never had a career to ruin. Prime Minister! You havent the brain. You havent the character.

C.-C. Cheek, push, and a gift of the gab will serve very well instead, you know.

Lady Kitty. Besides, in politics its not the men that matter. Its the women at the back of them. I could have made Clive a Cabinet Minister if Id wanted to.

Porteous. Clive?

Lady Kitty. With my beauty, my charm, my force of character, my wit, I could have done anything.

Porteous. Clive was nothing but my political secretary. When I was Prime Minister I might have made him Governor of some Colony or other. Western Australia, say. Out of pure kindliness.

Lady Kitty. [With flashing eyes.] Dyou think I would have buried myself in Western Australia? With my beauty? My charm?

Porteous. Or Barbadoes, perhaps.

Lady Kitty. [Furiously.] Barbadoes! Barbadoes can go toBarbadoes.

Porteous. Thats all youd have got.

Lady Kitty. Nonsense! Id have India.

Porteous. I would never have given you India.

Lady Kitty. You would have given me India.

Porteous. I tell you I wouldnt.

Lady Kitty. The King would have given me India. The nation would have insisted on my having India. I would have been a vice-reine or nothing.

Porteous. I tell you that as long as the interests of the British EmpireDamn it all, my teeth are coming out!

[He hurries from the room.

Lady Kitty. Its too much. I cant bear it any more. Ive put up with him for thirty years and now Im at the end of my tether.

C.-C. Calm yourself, my dear Kitty.

Lady Kitty. I wont listen to a word. Ive quite made up my mind. Its finished, finished, finished. [With a change of tone.] I was so touched when I heard that you never lived in this house again after I left it.

C.-C. The cuckoos have always been very plentiful. Their note has a personal application which, I must say, I have found extremely offensive.

Lady Kitty. When I saw that you didnt marry again I couldnt help thinking that you still loved me.

C.-C. I am one of the few men I know who is able to profit by experience.

Lady Kitty. In the eyes of the Church I am still your wife. The Church is so wise. It knows that in the end a woman always comes back to her first love. Clive, I am willing to return to you.

C.-C. My dear Kitty, I couldnt take advantage of your momentary vexation with Hughie to let you take a step which I know you would bitterly regret.

Lady Kitty. Youve waited for me a long time. For Arnolds sake.

C.-C. Do you think we really need bother about Arnold? In the last thirty years hes had time to grow used to the situation.

Lady Kitty. [With a little smile.] I think Ive sown my wild oats, Clive.

C.-C. I havent. I was a good young man, Kitty.

Lady Kitty. I know.

C.-C. And Im very glad, because it has enabled me to be a wicked old one.

Lady Kitty. I beg your pardon.

[Arnold comes in with a large book in his hand.

Arnold. I say, Ive found the book I was hunting for. Oh! isnt Lord Porteous here?

Lady Kitty. One moment, Arnold. Your father and I are busy.

Arnold. Im so sorry.

[He goes out into the garden.

Lady Kitty. Explain yourself, Clive.

C.-C. When you ran away from me, Kitty, I was sore and angry and miserable. But above all I felt a fool.

Lady Kitty. Men are so vain.

C.-C. But I was a student of history, and presently I reflected that I shared my misfortune with very nearly all the greatest men.

Lady Kitty. Im a great reader myself. It has always struck me as peculiar.

C.-C. The explanation is very simple. Women dislike intelligence, and when they find it in their husbands they revenge themselves on them in the only way they can, by making themwell, what you made me.

Lady Kitty. Its ingenious. It may be true.

C.-C. I felt I had done my duty by society and I determined to devote the rest of my life to my own entertainment. The House of Commons had always bored me excessively and the scandal of our divorce gave me an opportunity to resign my seat. I have been relieved to find that the country got on perfectly well without me.

Lady Kitty. But has love never entered your life?

C.-C. Tell me frankly, Kitty, dont you think people make a lot of unnecessary fuss about love?

Lady Kitty. Its the most wonderful thing in the world.

C.-C. Youre incorrigible. Do you really think it was worth sacrificing so much for?

Lady Kitty. My dear Clive, I dont mind telling you that if I had my time over again I should be unfaithful to you, but I should not leave you.

C.-C. For some years I was notoriously the prey of a secret sorrow. But I found so many charming creatures who were anxious to console that in the end it grew rather fatiguing. Out of regard to my health I ceased to frequent the drawing-rooms of Mayfair.

Lady Kitty. And since then?

C.-C. Since then I have allowed myself the luxury of assisting financially a succession of dear little things, in a somewhat humble sphere, between the ages of twenty and twenty-five.

Lady Kitty. I cannot understand the infatuation of men for young girls. I think theyre so dull.

C.-C. Its a matter of taste. I love old wine, old friends and old books, but I like young women. On their twenty-fifth birthday I give them a diamond ring and tell them they must no longer waste their youth and beauty on an old fogey like me. We have a most affecting scene, my technique on these occasions is perfect, and then I start all over again.

Lady Kitty. Youre a wicked old man, Clive.

C.-C. Thats what I told you. But, by George! Im a happy one.

Lady Kitty. Theres only one course open to me now.

C.-C. What is that?

Lady Kitty. [With a flashing smile.] To go and dress for dinner.

C.-C. Capital. I will follow your example.

[As Lady Kitty goes out Elizabeth comes in.

Elizabeth. Where is Arnold?

C.-C. Hes on the terrace. Ill call him.

Elizabeth. Dont bother.

C.-C. I was just strolling along to my cottage to put on a dinner jacket. [As he goes out.] Arnold.

[Exit C.-C.

Arnold. Hulloa! [He comes in.] Oh, Elizabeth, Ive found an illustration here of a chair which is almost identical with mine. Its dated 1750. Look!

Elizabeth. Thats very interesting.

Arnold. I want to show it to Porteous. [Moving a chair which has been misplaced.] You know, it does exasperate me the way people will not leave things alone. I no sooner put a thing in its place than somebody moves it.

Elizabeth. It must be maddening for you.

Arnold. It is. You are the worst offender. I cant think why you dont take the pride that I do in the house. After all, its one of the show places in the county.

Elizabeth. Im afraid you find me very unsatisfactory.

Arnold. [Good-humouredly.] I dont know about that. But my two subjects are politics and decoration. I should be a perfect fool if I didnt see that you dont care two straws about either.

Elizabeth. We havent very much in common, Arnold, have we?

Arnold. I dont think you can blame me for that.

Elizabeth. I dont. I blame you for nothing. I have no fault to find with you.

Arnold. [Surprised at her significant tone.] Good gracious me! whats the meaning of all this?

Elizabeth. Well, I dont think theres any object in beating about the bush. I want you to let me go.

Arnold. Go where?

Elizabeth. Away. For always.

Arnold. My dear child, what are you talking about?

Elizabeth. I want to be free.

Arnold. [Amused rather than disconcerted.] Dont be ridiculous, darling. I daresay youre run down and want a change. Ill take you over to Paris for a fortnight if you like.

Elizabeth. I shouldnt have spoken to you if I hadnt quite made up my mind. Weve been married for three years and I dont think its been a great success. Im frankly bored by the life you want me to lead.

Arnold. Well, if youll allow me to say so, the fault is yours. We lead a very distinguished, useful life. We know a lot of extremely nice people.

Elizabeth. Im quite willing to allow that the fault is mine. But how does that make it any better? Im only twenty-five. If Ive made a mistake I have time to correct it.

Arnold. I cant bring myself to take you very seriously.

Elizabeth. You see, I dont love you.

Arnold. Well, Im awfully sorry. But you werent obliged to marry me. Youve made your bed and Im afraid you must lie on it.

Elizabeth. Thats one of the falsest proverbs in the English language. Why should you lie on the bed youve made if you dont want to? Theres always the floor.

Arnold. For goodness sake dont be funny, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth. Ive quite made up my mind to leave you, Arnold.

Arnold. Come, come, Elizabeth, you must be sensible. You havent any reason to leave me.

Elizabeth. Why should you wish to keep a woman tied to you who wants to be free?

Arnold. I happen to be in love with you.

Elizabeth. You might have said that before.

Arnold. I thought youd take it for granted. You cant expect a man to go on making love to his wife after three years. Im very busy. Im awfully keen on politics and Ive worked like a dog to make this house a thing of beauty. After all, a man marries to have a home, but also because he doesnt want to be bothered with s*x and all that sort of thing. I fell in love with you the first time I saw you and Ive been in love ever since.

Elizabeth. Im sorry, but if youre not in love with a man his love doesnt mean very much to you.

Arnold. Its so ungrateful. Ive done everything in the world for you.

Elizabeth. Youve been very kind to me. But youve asked me to lead a life I dont like and that Im not suited for. Im awfully sorry to cause you pain, but now you must let me go.

Arnold. Nonsense! Im a good deal older than you are and I think I have a little more sense. In your interests as well as in mine Im not going to do anything of the sort.

Elizabeth. [With a smile.] How can you prevent me? You cant keep me under lock and key.

Arnold. Please dont talk to me as if I were a foolish child. Youre my wife and youre going to remain my wife.

Elizabeth. What sort of a life do you think we should lead? Do you think thered be any more happiness for you than for me?

Arnold. But what is it precisely that you suggest?

Elizabeth. Well, I want you to let me divorce you.

Arnold. [Astounded.] Me? Thank you very much. Are you under the impression Im going to sacrifice my career for a whim of yours?

Elizabeth. How will it do that?

Arnold. My seats wobbly enough as it is. Do you think Id be able to hold it if I were in a divorce case? Even if it were a put-up job, as most divorces are nowadays, it would damn me.

Elizabeth. Its rather hard on a woman to be divorced.

Arnold. [With sudden suspicion.] What do you mean by that? Are you in love with some one?

Elizabeth. Yes.

Arnold. Who?

Elizabeth. Teddie Luton.

[He is astonished for a moment, then bursts into a laugh.

Arnold. My poor child, how can you be so ridiculous? Why, he hasnt a bob. Hes a perfectly commonplace young man. Its so absurd I cant even be angry with you.

Elizabeth. Ive fallen desperately in love with him, Arnold.

Arnold. Well, youd better fall desperately out.

Elizabeth. He wants to marry me.

Arnold. I daresay he does. He can go to hell.

Elizabeth. Its no good talking like that.

Arnold. Is he your lover?

Elizabeth. No, certainly not.

Arnold. It shows that hes a mean skunk to take advantage of my hospitality to make love to you.

Elizabeth. Hes never even kissed me.

Arnold. Id try telling that to the horse marines if I were you.

Elizabeth. Its because I wanted to do nothing shabby that I told you straight out how things were.

Arnold. How long have you been thinking of this?

Elizabeth. Ive been in love with Teddie ever since I knew him.

Arnold. And you never thought of me at all, I suppose.

Elizabeth. Oh, yes, I did. I was miserable. But I cant help myself. I wish I loved you, but I dont.

Arnold. I recommend you to think very carefully before you do anything foolish.

Elizabeth. I have thought very carefully.

Arnold. By God! I dont know why I dont give you a sound hiding. Im not sure if that wouldnt be the best thing to bring you to your senses.

Elizabeth. Oh, Arnold, dont take it like that.

Arnold. How do you expect me to take it? You come to me quite calmly and say: Ive had enough of you. Weve been married three years and I think Id like to marry somebody else now. Shall I break up your home? What a bore for you! Do you mind my divorcing you? Itll smash up your career, will it? What a pity! Oh, no, my girl, I may be a fool, but Im not a damned fool.

Elizabeth. Teddie is leaving here by the first train to-morrow. I warn you that I mean to join him as soon as he can make the necessary arrangements.

Arnold. Where is he?

Elizabeth. I dont know. I suppose hes in his room.

[Arnold goes to the door and calls.

Arnold. George!

[For a moment he walks up and down the room impatiently. Elizabeth watches him. The Footman comes in.

Footman. Yes, sir.

Arnold. Tell Mr. Luton to come here at once.

Elizabeth. Ask Mr. Luton if he wouldnt mind coming here for a moment.

Footman. Very good, madam.

[Exit Footman.

Elizabeth. What are you going to say to him?

Arnold. Thats my business.

Elizabeth. I wouldnt make a scene if I were you.

Arnold. Im not going to make a scene.

[They wait in silence.

Why did you insist on my mother coming here?

Elizabeth. It seemed to me rather absurd to take up the attitude that I should be contaminated by her when . . .

Arnold. [Interrupting.] When you were proposing to do exactly the same thing. Well, now youve seen her what do you think of her? Do you think its been a success? Is that the sort of woman a man would like his mother to be?

Elizabeth. Ive been ashamed. Ive been so sorry. It all seemed dreadful and horrible. This morning I happened to notice a rose in the garden. It was all overblown and bedraggled. It looked like a painted old woman. And I remembered that Id looked at it a day or two ago. It was lovely then, fresh and blooming and fragrant. It may be hideous now, but that doesnt take away from the beauty it had once. That was real.

Arnold. Poetry, by God! As if this were the moment for poetry!

[Teddie comes in. He has changed into a dinner jacket.

Teddie. [To Elizabeth.] Did you want me?

Arnold. I sent for you.

[Teddie looks from Arnold to Elizabeth. He sees that something has happened.

When would it be convenient for you to leave this house?

Teddie. I was proposing to go to-morrow morning. But I can very well go at once if you like.

Arnold. I do like.

Teddie. Very well. Is there anything else you wish to say to me?

Arnold. Do you think it was a very honourable thing to come down here and make love to my wife?

Teddie. No, I dont. I havent been very happy about it. Thats why I wanted to go away.

Arnold. Upon my word youre cool.

Teddie. Im afraid its no good saying Im sorry and that sort of thing. You know what the situation is.

Arnold. Is it true that you want to marry Elizabeth?

Teddie. Yes. I should like to marry her as soon as ever I can.

Arnold. Have you thought of me at all? Has it struck you that youre destroying my home and breaking up my happiness?

Teddie. I dont see how there could be much happiness for you if Elizabeth doesnt care for you.

Arnold. Let me tell you that I refuse to have my home broken up by a twopenny-halfpenny adventurer who takes advantage of a foolish woman. I refuse to allow myself to be divorced. I cant prevent my wife from going off with you if shes determined to make a damned fool of herself, but this I tell you: nothing will induce me to divorce her.

Elizabeth. Arnold, that would be monstrous.

Teddie. We could force you.

Arnold. How?

Teddie. If we went away together openly youd have to bring an action.

Arnold. Twenty-four hours after you leave this house I shall go down to Brighton with a chorus-girl. And neither you nor I will be able to get a divorce. Weve had enough divorces in our family. And now get out, get out, get out!

[Teddie looks uncertainly at Elizabeth.

Elizabeth. [With a little smile.] Dont bother about me. I shall be all right.

Arnold. Get out! Get out!