Broken

||Chapter Nine||

It was about a year left before I had to officially leave the orphanage. I was getting too old to be considered a child. People who come to adopt want a cute seven to twelve year old; they want someone to groom, to grow. They can't do that with me. I'm ripe; I've reached my prime, gone are the days where I was an eager little kid, skin twitching with excitement every time a family walked through the large mahogany doors of the orphanage. Come to think of it... Those doors aren't so large anymore, which sinks in the feeling of me really getting too old for this place.

So as I sit on my bed--that now felt painfully small--I think about what I'm going to do after this, what I'm going to do with my future outside of these walls. Maybe I'll get to be a scientist, maybe I'll be a rock star, maybe I'll own my very own business one day. I smiled in spite of myself and fell back on my bed staring at, into, my ceiling; I searched for any answer that would reveal itself to me.

A knock at the door pulled me from my train of thought. "Amee?" Sounded the familiar voice.

"Come on in Celeste." I called.

She pushed the door open, stepping inside my room boldly. She's used to this. She was after all like me at one point. Come to think of it, she still is. She was adopted a year ago, surprisingly at that. Apparently her new parents needed someone mature, they were very busy people, but their son needed company. All in all, she still visits me almost everyday.

"Hey you." She smiled brightly at me, but there was something behind her eyes, something I couldn't pick up. Was it lack of sleep? I doubt it.

"Hey yourself." I pulled her down gently and kissed her. "I missed you." I felt a pang of something in my chest at saying those words but I immediately brushed away the thought; you don't exist anymore, you left. She's here now.

"Hmm." She hummed contentedly, smiling. "I missed you more you big dope."

"Hey!" I nudged her with my elbow; she nudged me back.

The playful banter went on like this for a few hours until she broke the light mood. "Do you ever think about her?"

I felt my heart clench and my stomach in knots at this question. She's asking about her... About... Darcie.

I tore my eyes open to a cold, empty room. I heard a light shower of rain outside, slowly coming to a stop in drops. The room smelt musty but raw, it made my stomach churn in a sick way before I got used to it again. I had to get used to it last night--or early morning, whichever--in order to sleep.

I was sleeping on the floor, there weren't really any beds here. Whenever Dan's here, he never sleeps, he checks inventory, checks his retailers...or deals with whoever he has to. I got used to this in the period I was working for him; and I did learn my lesson from stealing from him...

I think he took it easy on me because I was a girl but he did leave me with a fractured rib cage, black eye and multiple bruises. He then drove me to a hospital and before he threw me out of the car and he uttered the words, "come back when you're clean."

I got up off the floor, and started walking towards the door of the room I was in. It really did reek in here. Worse than when Dan shoved me in here.

After my sudden intrusion, Dan merely walked over to me awestruck; as if he was surprised that I was even alive, much less standing right in front of him. "Well well well," he had said. "Look what the dogs dragged in from the dead." And his smile began looking like a scowl to me.

"Nice to see you too." I had said. I tried to maintain eye contact, but for some reason his stare was too great. It burnt into my soul. Him peering down at me made me feel small, made me feel like I was a child. I hated being intimidated.

I squared my shoulders and I got to the point. "Look, uh, you said come back when I'm clean." I had said. "Well... Here I am."

I then began to explain my need to stay the night and after a few minutes of begging, the heartless Dan had said yes. He said he was handling business so he would deal with me tomorrow.

Tomorrow was now today and I was now walking down the passage to finally get down to business. I passed a clock on the wall, I wasn't sure if it was working because it read 1:56pm. I rubbed the heels of my palms into my eyes and sighed; I really was exhausted. I ran my hand through my short, now messy hair and yawned as I continued down the hall.

As I got to the beginning of the other room I heard Dan's voice. "What're you doing here?"

Suspicious, I stopped by the wall, listening.

"Not visiting you that's for sure." I heard the familiar voice quipped.

Destine?

"Hey, don't get fresh with me kid. If you don't have my money, I don't see your point of being here." Dan stated firmly.

His money? Was she selling? I was confused.

"Well don't you worry, your money will be delivered." She spoke confidently.

I was taken aback by Destine's boldness. I peeked around the corner just to get a glimpse of what was happening; she stood confidently in front of Dan, as if without fear. Her intension wasn't clear but was certainly intimidating, though not enough to deter Dan; he would always be the master.

"Well what do you want? Decided to finally come around into the business?" Dan asked.

"I am only here..." She suddenly trailed off. What was wrong? What did she come for? I decided to peek around the corner once again.

She stood there, less confident, in deep thought, she was thinking, but thinking about what. "Well?" Dan pushed.

"Um, when... Did you say the money was to be ready?" She sounded small now, like Dan was her father, scolding her like she had eaten the ice cream out of the freezer and ruined her dinner.

He released a humorless laugh. "Are you f*****g kidding me? You never forget your dates. What's your angle?"

She was quiet now, unresponsive. Why all of a sudden? She came in with such determination before, where did it go? What was she even doing here? What was she doing in this part of town? My mind kept racing with a million thoughts as Destine remained--painfully--quiet.

"Listen to me kid, you're annoying me right now, why don't you go home before I do something I probably won't regret." Dan's threat was spoken in a soft voice, but nonetheless it was threatening.

I felt bad for her.

Why do you even care? I thought to myself. She doesn't care about you. You're just some toy she wanted, she made it perfectly clear when she constantly played with my feelings. This is why I shut myself away within the confines of myself, to be far from human emotion, to make myself numb, once again. No one could hurt me because I had hurt them first. I don't fall because I don't just get up with a skinned knee; I broke.

So, what's the point of caring for someone who didn't care about me?

I willed myself to turn around and walk down the hallway. I wasn't listening to this anymore. The sound of her voice was making me weak, making me volatile to submission. The only thing left to do was throw myself at her feet if I dared to look her in those beautiful crystal blue eyes. I wasn't going to to do that to myself; not again.

Dan's voice began to fade as I made it back to the musty room, it seemed far more welcoming now than before--though it allows as it was a better escape than listening to Destine. I sat in a corner, head resting on my arm, which was resting on my knee, as I awaited for the indistinct talking to cease.

I played oblivious as I turned to her. "About who?"

She whipped around and looked at me with an impish grin. "Stop shitting me, you know who!" She elbowed me at that. "Darcie." Her voice took on a softer resonance. "Your little childhood sweetheart."

I flopped about in my head a bit, I really hated thinking about her. But I loved it all the same--but I hated that I loved it too. "I was a kid, I didn't know much about what I was feeling anyway."

"C'mon Amee, you know that's not true." She pushed.

"She's not important Celeste!" I realized my voice got unreasonably loud. I never meant for that to happen but she knows that it's a touchy topic; she knows how I feel when she asks about this.

I feel stupid, stupid for holding onto a childhood crush like this; I don't understand why these feelings are still here, or what these stupid feelings are. I don't even know if she's dead or alive.

"I'm sorry. I should've known better." She took my hand in hers, caressing the back of it with her thumb.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you, you know I never meant to babe." I leaned over, opting to kiss her cheek when she turned her head and my lips landed on hers softly.

"Amee?" She suddenly sounded nervous. "I..."

I leaned in urging her to go on, waiting with bated breath. Hoping she wasn't gonna say those words. I wasn't ready for those words. I don't want to hurt her, and I know I won't be able to say it back if she does. I remained seemingly calm while she seemed tongue-tied.

"I... ReallylikeyouAmelia." Tumbling out of her mouth quickly; I almost never caught it.

I giggled a bit before sitting up, her hand still in mine. "I...really like you too, Cee." I smiled at her trying to reassure my girlfriend that at least this was true.

As time passed and everyone left my life or hurt me. I met Celeste one day. I never noticed her before; probably hiding behind Darcie's shadow, my looming sadness about her leaving me, but either way, she came in and sort of took me out of the darkness for a while. I appreciated it, appreciated her.

I don't know if she's 'the one' but this is comfortable. She became my default.

It had been about twenty minutes now and I was getting sick of the smell in that room. Groaning, I got up and carefully made my way back to the main section of the building where Destine was talking to Dan.

It was clear they knew each other and had some kind of arrangement going on. She was paying for something and in this kind of business... Things are sketchy.

I stopped short of the corner, hoping that she would be gone by now; peering around I noticed Dan standing with his hands on his waist looking down on the floor. I cautiously approached him, unnerved by his demeanor. "Hey yo Dan, you alright?"

As I said this, he turned to me and that's when I noticed a rather red handprint on the side of his face. I almost never noticed it because he's red with anger. I took this as a sign that something went sour with the discussion with him and Destine. That's my cue to leave.

"I'll just... Give you a minute OK man?" I turned away from him opting to walk off when I felt a strong grip pull me back.

"Holy s**t! Hey, that s**t hurts!" I tried loosening my grip from him but that made him hold tighter. I stopped fighting back but maintained a defensive stance. Afraid he was going to take my fear as fuel for his anger.

"So you wanna deal again right?" He asked seething, his breathing ragged.

I wasn't sure where this was going. "Yeah...I need the money."

"You... You gotta do something for me first."

"Uh... What's that."

He let go of my arm and stood widely, shoulders squared. "You gotta do this to prove to me you're ready for the business, there's no backing out once you say yes... You snuffed up five thousand dollars worth of drugs a couple years ago, you at the very least owe me for not chopping a few fingers off." He finished and I waited to see where he was going with this favor--or ultimatum.

He dug into his pocket, pulling out a small black book. It was bent at the corners and looked fairly old. "What's that?" I inquired curiously.

"Just shut up and wait." He seethed as he started hastily flipping through the pages. I began noticing several pictures as he did this.

Who are these people?

Some of them had Xs marked in red over their face. I didn't take that as a good sign.

"Ah! Here." He exclaimed in success as he seemed to have found what he was looking for. He turned the book around and showed me the picture...I couldn't decide if my heart dropped or lurched into my throat at seeing the picture. I felt nauseous. He was showing me a picture of Destine. She was unaware of it being taken but he got a pretty good angle on the shot that I could see most of her face. What was I supposed to do?

"Um, what about her?" I stuffed my sweaty palms into my pockets.

"This b***h needs to be taught a lesson. She was here a little earlier and things got a little out of--"

"Whoa whoa whoa, whaduya mean, taught a lesson? You want me to kill her?" The last part of my sentence was said hushed. I'm not sure why, maybe I was conscious of the fact that the walls indeed had ears but also the fact that me killing Destine is just an impossibility so impossible that I dare not say it too loud.

"No, I don't want her dead. At least not yet... I want you to just... Shake her up a little, tell her I sent you and this is a warning." He ran his hand over his face seemingly impatient and frustrated.

I wasn't sure what was going to happen if I refused to do this because there is no way I could bring myself to hurt Destine... I'd sooner hurt myself. "Why me?"

He looked at me coldly. I doubt he was feeling anything at this point. His anger had almost consumed him. "Why not you?" He asked. "You're a bad kid Amelia, and you know your way around a fist. You could lay Starfire on the floor if you wanted."

I scrunched my face up in confusion. "Wasn't it Red-fire?"

"That's what I said. Anyways, point is, you're perfect for this job and you won't cause too much suspicion when you're looking for her, unlike these tattooed, bald, brutes I have here. And I needed a test for you to be redeemed anyway." He finished and he handed me the book. Some writing was at the bottom.

D. Gossimeir.

I finally knew her last name. I stared at the picture of Destine. Even though she was unaware it was being taken, she looked so breathtakingly beautiful. I shook my head no at Dan. "Dan I can't do this."

"The hell you can't!" He flared up. "It's either you or me Jones; and if I go I won't be leaving her alive." I gulped at his words knowing he was serious. Destine really shouldn't have angered him and now she has no idea what she's done.

"Dan I..." I started, I didn't know what to say.

"Have no choice. Well, you do but... If you don't just know I'm going for her and you can go rot in the streets." He seethed between clenched teeth.

I really had no choice... I couldn't let Dan do it. His anger right now would make him strangle her. I need a plan... I can't hurt Destine but I can't come back to Dan with nothing... Can I? I handed the book back to him silently; I need a plan.

"Why do you even care so much? Why does this matter? I've sent you to dozens of people and you do the job easy. Why make an exception of this one huh? Think she's cute?" He sounded less angry but it was still there.

"I don't know." I could merely say. I couldn't let him know I knew her... Much less how I feel about her.

"Well, whatever it is... Snap out of it!" He exclaimed. "You got until tomorrow to do it and bring her to me. By then I'd calm down and explain to her why she shouldn't mess with me."

Dan's explanations were less of him talking, given my experience. He always slapped people around a bit, just to let them know he means business.

I said nothing and nodded. He then walked over to me and reached around his back. I half expected some kind of weapon but he dropped keys in my hand. "A motorcycle's around back, you get there with this, and you bring her to me with her car. Got it?"

"Yeah yeah..."

"Just ask around, mention the name Gossimeir and you'll eventually find out where she lives."

"You don't know where she lives?"

"She's an elusive b***h I'll give her that. Admittedly no." He confessed. Drug lords usually know where all their marks are, just to make sure. "But when you find her, I'll know. I really didn't have the time anymore to be all around Boston looking for her."

"Oh, I get it." I began spacing out at this point, trying to formulate a plan to avoid hurting Destine and I'm still coming up short.

I turned on my heels and started walking out the building. Destine's in trouble and she doesn't even know it. I have to do something.

I got around back where I noticed the motorcycle. Hopping on, I started it up and revved it a few times then sped off. Taking off down the road to the familiar house of the girl I'm more than just familiar with.