Falling For You

Chapter 9: The Reunion

I wasn’t banned from Heaven exactly, but I wasn’t exactly allowed to stay either. Father’s job for me would begin soon and when it did I would be so busy going into the three realms frequently that I would have no rest or home. The thought depressed me, but it also made me think that He was lying about this not being a punishment too.

The thought of what Cassiel and I had done crossed my mind and made me flush with… embarrassment? Was I supposed to feel that way after finally being close with him? I wanted to talk with him, but a rush of fear came over me. Would he just want to keep touching my body while ignoring my feelings?

I was not ready to find out yet. I spread my wings and flew to the gates before I knew where I was headed. Once I found myself gliding toward the Earth, my brain caught up with my body. Seraphina. I hadn’t said goodbye to her. I hadn’t told her what I thought of her ideas. I hadn’t… been her friend when she needed me. Instead, I was too busy feeling sorry for myself and lusting for an angel.

I needed to talk to her. To set things straight. When I finally made my way to Earth, I sat on a rock near the sea, stumped. How does an angel find their way to Hell? I was The Angel of Death and even I didn’t know. A salty breeze blew through my hair and I played in the sand with my toes. Cassiel fluttered before my mind’s eye. No. I couldn’t keep thinking of him, not right now. I would talk to him later when I had gathered my thoughts. When I could figure out if… we were our own people making our own decisions or if Father was pulling the strings and we were simply puppets.

Sorrow and anguish consumed me. Then I felt a hatred I had never felt before. There was a mix of burning contempt washing over me too. And just as I felt I would fall into a dark hole, one appeared in the sand before me. What the… Hell? Was this how it was opened?

The door was pitch black inside and cold. The air coming from it was dank and felt lifeless. It had to be the gateway to Hell. It was a bit disappointing though, as I had expected Father to use a bit more fanfare like he did for the gates of Heaven. It made me wonder if this was even the correct gateway, but I couldn’t think of any other way to get to Hell.

The plunge down was quiet and calm, but I guessed this would feel completely different for humans. It was pitch black and no sound would be heard on the descent. When the light finally started to shine at the end of the dark tunnel, my eyes took a moment to adjust. It felt like a lifetime had passed in that dark hole. What I found on the other side was not at all what I had expected. Everything was a dark gray color and it looked like some sort of office building with a reception desk. There was no one sitting at the front desk, but a sign was hanging on it. It read, “Meeting for all demons in the throne room.” with an arrow pointing down a long narrow hallway to the left.

As I followed the narrow dark hallway, voices began to come into focus. They were loud and angry. It sounded like bickering more than anything and as I found the crowded large room, the conversations became more clear. They were fighting over assignments and rooms. This was nothing new. We had all had this fight before in Heaven. Of course, the older and stronger of the group was taking their pick and forcing the younger, weaker ones to fight over what was left.

Lucifer sat high above the rest on a throne made of flames. He seemed uninterested in all the squabbling. His mind seemed millions of miles away. Did he regret his decisions now? Did Seraphina regret this too? A few siblings gave me grim looks, but didn't pay much more attention as they were shoving past each other toward a large board with papers. The ones at the front of the board were passing back assignments they didn't want. And the others were fighting to rip the papers from our siblings' hands. An actual fight never broke out, but it always seemed to be close at hand.

I couldn’t make out any of the faces more than a few feet behind me. Finding Seraphina was going to be impossible. Why did this place have to be so dark and menacing? A hand tapped my shoulder and I spun around in surprise. Seraphina’s solemn face greeted me. She motioned for me to follow her without a word and turned on her heels.

I followed closely, afraid I might lose her in this maze of halls. She opened a door and waited for me to enter before following and closing it. I began to say something but she shushed me as she pressed her ear to the door. She listened intently for a few moments before turning her fiery gaze back to me.

“What are you doing here?” she whispered as she ran into my arms and hugged me tightly.

“I came to find you. I- I’m not sure there is much I can do for you though,” I admitted, close to tears.

“Surely you can fly me out of here, right?” She said, pulling back from our embrace.

“What?! No- Are you… What are you even saying? Do you know how much trouble that would get me in?” I answered incredulously.

“Seriously?! Why not? Father can’t keep all of us down here forever, even I know that,” Seraphina placed a hand on my cheek, “Please, help me. I would help you if the situation were reversed.”

“I-” I wanted to more than anything, but what would become of both of us if Father found out?

She sighed and turned away from me, wrapping her arms around herself. I reached out and touched her shoulder. She turned back to me and hugged me again. I felt a sob shake her but heard nothing. I embraced her and let her tears fall in silence. What else could I do for my friend? I certainly couldn’t release her from her punishment. If I did that, Father might do something worse to her than what had already happened.

Eventually she stopped crying, but she didn’t let me go. She continued to hold me as if she was afraid she would never see me again if she let go. Her hand began to rub my arm and then my back, as if she was trying to comfort me.

Finally, she pulled back and looked into my eyes, “I’ve missed you so much,” she whispered.

“I missed you too,” I smiled sadly and watched the fire in her eyes lighten and darken as she contemplated something.

“I’ve been so worried about you. Is everything- Did anything change after we were exiled?” she asked quietly, as if she meant something else, but I couldn’t be sure what.

“Not much changed. Father gave me a new job though. He made me The Angel of Death for humanity. I- I’m basically exiled too,” I whispered the last part, and didn’t realize it until a tear slipped down my cheek, but I was in just as bad a position as she was.

She caught the tear with her finger, and smoothed my hair back out of my eyes, “Hey, it’s okay. You’re okay. You still have me and I still have you. You can always come to me.”

“I know, but when? I won’t have any time soon,” I grimaced. Father didn’t explain it, but somehow I knew that the job would become so burdensome I would be too overwhelmed to find time for myself.

“You can always take a break when you need to. Don’t let Him tell you otherwise,” she insisted angrily.

“I’ll try,” I smiled weakly, “I’m more worried about you being here. Did you already pick an assignment? You don’t have to do anything too terrible, do you?”

She smiled her mischievous smile brightly at me, “You know me, I’ve always got a plan and a backup plan. I snuck in early and picked the best job” she winked as she pulled a paper out of her robe, “I don’t have to do any torturing. I’m overseeing a wing,” she giggled, handing me the paper.

“You’re supervising a section of Hell? That’s such a relief,” I let out a big breath I didn’t know I had been holding.

I passed the paper back to her after pretending to examine it, “I’m so happy you aren’t doing anything so awful.”

“Me too… But what about you? I heard some of our siblings mention that you were going to ferry souls here and to Heaven as well? Do you really have no one else to help you?” she asked sympathetically.

“No, I’m on my own for now. I don’t think it will be so bad for now. I mean how quickly can they live and die, right?” I wondered, completely clueless.

“I suppose you have a point and there aren’t that many of them right now, but I did hear that Adam and Eve had children. So they are multiplying much more quickly than I thought they would…” She paused, and averted her gaze momentarily like she was ashamed to continue. “I- I wanted to ask you something.”

“Of course, anything,” I replied, not sure why she was so hesitant to talk to me. We had never been so awkward before, but she was so different now.

She smiled and searched my eyes for an invisible answer to a question never asked and then the words flooded out, “I want to know if there can still be an us. I don’t want to lose you. You mean too much to me. I couldn’t stand never seeing you again. I want to be with you.”

Her confession confused me and I frowned. This frightened her and she began trying to make me feel more at ease by trying to come up with compromises for our time together. I held up my hand to stop her.

“I don’t understand. Are you saying- you have feelings- for… me?” I whispered, unsure.

“Are you saying you still don’t know? I mean come on. I-” She ran her hand through her hair in frustration, “Is it because you think Cassiel will be with you? Because I can promise you he won’t.”

“I- I kind of knew, but it’s forbidden. You know that. And besides, Cassiel and I…” I couldn’t finish my sentence. Would I break her heart if she knew the truth? I still wasn’t even sure if Cassiel and I were real.

“You and Cassiel, what?” anger flashed in her eyes and she grabbed my hands. “What is going on, Azrael? Please, tell me,” she sounded as if she was about to burst into tears again.

“I- I don’t want to hurt you,” I murmured, trying to break away from her.

She gripped my hands even more tightly, and raised her voice, “Tell me now! I deserve to know!”

“Please, don’t hate me,” I snuck a glance at her and regretted it. She was angry and her tears were heavy and flowing freely.

“Just tell me!” she screamed.

My heart felt heavy, but I couldn’t deny her the answers she deserved, “Cassiel and I are together… He said Father created soulmates for everyone and I am his. We- we were intimate and he admitted how much he wanted to be with me.”

I knew I shouldn’t have felt bad about this, but as soon as the words were out, I felt just as devastated as Seraphina looked. I still wasn’t even sure if Cassiel was right, let alone if what we had was really our choice, but before I could even tell her this, Seraphina was on her knees. She was a complete and utter mess and there was nothing I could do or say to comfort her. I fell to my knees next to her and wrapped her in my arms. I tried to explain how I wasn’t even sure if he was right, but Sera didn’t hear me. Her sobs and wails drowned me out. With each cry, I felt my heart ache more and more.

It felt like eons before she calmed down enough to begin the interrogation. It felt like she asked every question under the sun, but the most difficult ones were left for last.

“How intimate were you?” she demanded, stone-faced.

I blushed, and she growled. “I- Do I really need to-”

“Yes,” she roared in anger. She grabbed my face and forced me to meet her eyes, “I need to know what happened. I mean what if he tricked you? What if he took advantage of the situation? Tell me everything.”

I sighed and gave into her request. She dropped her hands unwillingly and waited for me to speak. I took a moment to gather my thoughts and told her everything that had happened from the moment the Fall began. When I finished, her eyes were alight with rage.

“I knew it! He did trick you! Why would you let him touch you like that, Azrael? What is wrong with you?” her anger made my stomach turn.

“What do you mean?” I asked, upset.

“If he really loved you, he would never have done those things to you when you were so distressed!” the more she spoke the angrier she became, and I was worried she would sprout a new pair of wings and hunt Cassiel down.

“But he told me himself, he does care for me deeply. He showed me how much he wants me and wants to be with me,” I whispered, unsure of why she would say such a thing.

“God, you are so dense sometimes, Azrael,” she muttered as she pinched the bridge of her nose. “Love is not just telling someone how much they mean to you and being physical. Have you really spent no time thinking about anything else? Have you not considered our relationship and how deeply I’ve cared for you?” she asked incredulously.

I was stunned. Of course, I knew of Father’s love and Seraphina’s love, but wasn’t romance and this kind of love different? My love for Cassiel extended past kinship. Didn’t that mean physical intimacy? Was I missing something?

Seraphina shook her head in defeat, “Of course not. Every time I told you to forget about him, all you could think about was getting in his robes! I can’t do this anymore… I think it’s time for you to leave.”

“What? Why? I don’t understand why you are so angry,” I exclaimed. “I’ve done nothing wrong. Think about it. Father made man and woman to be together. It only makes sense that Cassiel and I should be together.”

“You still don’t get it,” she muttered as a tear ran down her cheek. “Please, just go. I need some space.

“I-” I reached out and took her face in my hands.

I forced her eyes to meet mine, searching for something to answer the confusion I felt flooding through me. She didn’t refuse me and instead stared deeply into my eyes as if the universe existed in me. I wanted so badly to crack the code that was alluding me, but I didn’t know how. It didn’t make sense for her to have feelings like this for me. We weren’t meant to be together. We couldn’t be; I had Cassiel. She must be wrong. My thoughts were suddenly interrupted when her lips encased mine. Her kiss was nothing like Cassiel’s. She was slow and passionate. Her heart and soul were poured into mine through our kiss.

At first, I wanted to pull away. I was afraid of what doing this meant, afraid of what she thought it meant. The longer our lips were locked, the easier it became to melt into her. She was not greedy or lustful as Cassiel had been. Her hands went no further than to draw my waist into her body. She did not travel to areas Cassiel had. She simply embraced me and loved me. She showed me what her words had failed to do so many times before.

My brain was numb but slowly sparks began to ignite within me. What was I doing? This- this had to be wrong. I pushed her away without a second thought and froze.

“I- I can’t… I have to think about this,” I whispered and then fled.