Falling For You

Chapter 18: The Choices I Made

Seraphina gasped in shock and surprise. She pulled me into her arms before I could make an escape. Her hold on me felt similar to Lilith’s. Seraphina seemed to be just as scared that I was ready to run and leave her and this place behind. She wasn’t wrong. I desperately wanted to claw my way out of her arms and flee.

“I’ve missed you so much. I can’t believe you’re back. I’ve been so worried about you,” she blurted out quickly. “I need to talk to you. I know that you were overwhelmed last time, and I am so sorry. I just want to explain-” Seraphina cut off when she felt me tremble.

I was too confused and perplexed with the knowledge of Lilith’s punishment to think straight. My body betrayed me. I am embarrassed to admit it, but I cried. Shudders ripped through my body and tears flowed freely. I felt like my anguish would become audible if I let my grief take me fully.

Seraphina panicked. Her instincts took over. I was too numb to everything around me to know what she did. One moment we stood in the hall not far from the entrance to Hell, and the next I was standing in her bedroom.

“How did I get here?” I asked in a monotone voice.

Seraphina nervously rubbed her arm, “I ca- I carried you here,” she admitted while avoiding my eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t know what else to do,” she sighed in defeat.

Instead of closing the distance between us, she sat down at a desk across from her small bed. Her head fell into her hands and she muttered to herself quietly. I stood there dumbly and watched her. I could have fled had I thought about it, but my brain seemed to have shut down. After a moment, Sera looked up to me, a plan forming. She quickly stood up and came to stand a few inches away from me. I flinched at the quickness of her movements.

She silenced my hesitation with the fiery look in her eyes and took both of my hands in hers. Before I could object, she led me to her bed and gently pushed me down. I sat there and stared dumbfounded. I was worried that she was getting ready to do something, but instead she stepped back and paced back and forth in the small space.

Rather than create a bigger mess for myself, I waited wearily for Seraphina to make her next move. The tension, however, became too much and I felt the tears silently fall again. I felt drained and confused and angry. I wanted to find a spot to lie down and cry myself to sleep, but I didn’t think that would be possible here, not with her.

I wanted to say something, anything to break Sera out of her thoughts, but my mind said no. She would judge me. She wouldn’t listen to me. She would tell me that Cassiel was wrong, just as Cassiel had said Seraphina was wrong. All I could do was sit there frozen in fear, waiting for her to say or do something.

Perhaps this was my wake-up call. Maybe this was what I needed to understand what was wrong with me. What if I was the problem in my relationships? Maybe I couldn’t salvage either of the relationships I had. Maybe I was better off on my own. Maybe I should just tell them both that they didn’t stand a chance.

Seraphina stopped in the middle of her path and turned to face me. Her eyes were alight with an emotion I wasn’t sure I wanted to understand. She came toward me and I felt my body flinch away from her. She froze. Instead of coming any closer, she stayed where she was and began her speech.

“Please give me a chance to talk. Please don’t leave until I can explain,” she said, as she watched my expressions closely. When I didn’t respond, she continued, “I need to tell you what was left unsaid last time- when you ran.”

Again, she studied my face, but I remained stoic. I stared into her eyes, feeling my emotions going haywire. I couldn’t tell her that I wanted to be with her. The idea scared the Hell out of me. I didn’t want to cause more trouble for myself. I didn’t want to be with her that way, right?

“I don’t know if you know, but- I’ve had feelings for you for a very long time,” Seraphina began shyly, “I knew that you had feelings for Cassiel, but I hoped… It didn’t seem fair. He was the only one you ever saw. How was I supposed to stand a chance when you wouldn’t look my way?”

Seraphina paused and ran a hand through her hair in agitation. She didn’t seem to notice she was doing that. It must have been out of habit. Her eyes had left mine and found the floor, but when she began again, she looked straight into mine.

“I knew you wouldn’t be interested in me when all you could think about, talk about, daydream about was him. He told me once that I would never be good enough for you, that I could never give you what he could… He implied that his body would be all that you needed. I was so angry when he said that. I tried to keep you as far from him as possible after that, but it didn’t work. If I told you what he said, he would deny it… He only wants your body, he doesn’t care about you as a person. I should have just said that to begin with. I should have let you make your own decisions and come to your own conclusions, but I’m selfish. I wanted to save you from that pain, but instead all I did was amplify it.”

Half way through her monologue, she had lost the courage to look at me again. She took a deep breath, and then found my eyes again. I couldn’t listen to this anymore. It didn’t even matter. Why did she think telling me any of this would change anything? I stared past her and hoped that she was almost done talking so that I could leave.

This seemed to fluster Seraphina, but I couldn’t let this bother me if I wanted to leave anytime soon. Sera shook her head and gathered her courage. I didn’t know why she was stalling, it seemed like she was getting ready to confess, but I really hoped that she wasn’t.

“I’m in l-” she sighed and ran a hand through her hair again, “Look, this isn’t easy and I know you still have feelings for him,” she spat out angrily, “but I love you and I want you to choose me. I know I should have told you last time but I was scared that you were going to reject me. I know that you probably are going to reject me now, but I want you to know that I will wait for you. You can always change your mind. I’m not going to throw this away just because you are too afraid to admit how you really feel.”

Her eyes blazed and I felt my cheeks turn pink. She waited for an answer, but I refused to give one. Instead, I stared through her at the wall. I would not give her the satisfaction of winning. This felt like a game of cat and mouse and I was not prepared to die. I wanted to scream, to run, to hide, to do anything but tell her that I did feel something for her.

“Please say something, anything. You’ve been too quiet for too long,” she whispered.

But what could I say? I didn’t want to hurt her, but I didn’t want to lose her either. It seemed that no matter what I said, it would be wrong. I was with Cassiel in the meadow all over again.

“I don’t know what to say,” I finally whispered, praying that I didn’t sound stupid. “I know why you did what you did, but it was still wrong.”

Could I tell her what I thought? Would she just do exactly what Cassiel did? Eve’s words suddenly jumped into my thoughts.

“It sounds to me like you don’t really know who your soulmate is. Are you completely sure that your friend isn’t meant to be your soulmate?” Eve asked.

These words stopped me in my tracks. Who was my soulmate? What if I pushed the wrong person away? Was I really willing to let my stubbornness win out and, if I was, did that mean I was willing to end up alone if I chose wrong?

I closed my eyes and sighed deeply, “I don’t know who my soulmate is. I am honestly not even sure it’s Cassiel or you-”

“I-” Seraphina tried to jump in, but I held up my hand and stopped her.

“I need time to think… I need to figure this out on my own. I can’t- I can’t let either of you manipulate me anymore. I will give you a chance,” Sera’s eyes filled with joy when I said this, “but I am also giving Cassiel a chance too,” at these last words her eyes darkened.

She thought about it for a moment and then sadly nodded her head. Her eyes left mine and she hugged herself in defeat. “I understand,” she mumbled.