A Deal With The College Playboy

13. The Build-up

ELLIE

There's no handbook on how to prepare for your first time. Nobody hands you a laminated checklist titled 'How to Lose Your Virginity Without Humiliating Yourself'. Which is a shame, because I really could've used one right about now. I thought I knew what I needed to do. But as the hour drew closer and I looked up at the clock and saw what time it was, I started to worry that I was going to completely embarrass myself tonight.

Maybe there were some helpful videos online. I could try to figure out what I needed to do. One thing I knew for sure was that I shouldn't emulate whatever it is they like to show on porn videos. That stuff is not realistic, and there's no way I will be bending that way. If that's what Beck had in mind, then we were going to have a serious problem.

I needed help, and I didn't know what to do with myself. I should have scrambled to find something that would fix my predicament. Instead, I was standing in front of my mirror like a dumbass, tearing apart my closet for the third time that evening and panicking over every possible scenario that could go wrong tonight.

"What if he takes one look at me and laughs?" I muttered, holding up a dress that screamed prom reject. I tossed it onto the growing pile on my bed, and facepalmed myself. "Or worse, what if I fart during s*x? Do people even fart during s*x? Holy s**t, what if I fart during s*x?"

I pressed my hands to my face and groaned, then I looked at my reflection and said, "God, Ellie, shut the f**k up."

Every outfit I owned suddenly felt like a crime against humanity. I wanted something sexy, but not like slutty Halloween nurse sexy. I wanted to look cute, but not like middle schooler on picture day cute. Finally, I settled on a black tank top and jeans which were totally basic, but it hugged my body in ways that didn't make me look like a total potato.

And then my makeup was another nightmare. I went with some light eyeliner and lipgloss, because if I showed up with some smokey eye disaster, Beck would probably think I was auditioning for a role in The Underworld.

Once I was dressed up and I realized there was still some time left, I paced around my room like a caged animal. My stomach was in knots and my palms were sweaty, and for some reason I couldn't stop sniffing my breath every two minutes even though I'd brushed my teeth twice already.

I supposed since I had some time to kill, I might as well give Aunt Carol some heads up that I would be out late tonight. I didn't plan on sleeping over at Beck's place, but I knew I would be very late. And the last thing I wanted was for her to call me right when we were 'doing it'.

"Jesus Christ, I'm actually going through with this," I gasped. "I'm actually going to lose my virginity tonight. f**k!"

I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself, forcing the nerves away. I would deal with them later, when I had some time to spare. But right now, I needed some serious distraction.

I skipped downstairs with my purse already in my hands, trying to act casual. Aunt Carol was curled up on the couch and watching some reality show rerun, while eating ice cream straight from the carton. She called this sort of evening the 'Classic Carol', and it was a staple in this household already.

"Hey kiddo," she said when I walked into the living room. "There's space on the couch if you want to join me."

"Hey, uh..." I said awkwardly as I hovered in the doorway. "So... I have this... project thing from school that I have to do with Beck next door. And it might run late tonight. Is it cool if I stay out past, like, eleven?"

She turned around and squinted at me, her spoon frozen in mid-air as she took in my appearance. I could have sworn she lifted an eyebrow in judgement, then she slowly said, "Project, eh?"

"Uh, yeah," I said quickly, nodding way too hard. "It's a group project from our anatomy class, and it's very important. I don't want to fail, so I have to finish it tonight. You know how it is."

"Right," she said slowly as she tilted her head. "Ellie, you've never once asked me for permission to stay out late for schoolwork. You usually just do it. So what's different today?"

Fuck.

I forced a laugh, waving my hand like it was no big deal. "Right, well, this is... different. We're... dissecting, uh, pigs. Yeah. And it takes time."

"So you're telling me he's got a live pig over there that both of you are going to slit open?" she asked, smirking as she leaned back into the couch.

"It's virtual," I said automatically, not really sure where the lie was coming from. "We're doing it virtually."

"Right," she said as she gave me a long and suspicious look. Just when I thought she was going to say no, she shrugged and said, "Fine. Just don't stay out too late. And for the love of God, don't come home pregnant."

I choked. "Oh my God, Aunt Carol!"

"What?!" She laughed, shoveling another bite of ice cream. "You're old enough. And I'm pretty sure your virtual pig is going to be cut open real good tonight. Just be safe. And for both our sakes, please use a condom."

I bolted out of the door before she could say anything else.

*****

By the time I reached Beck's place, my nerves had me one second away from puking in the bushes. I could already hear some music coming from inside, and I took several deep breaths to calm myself. The music was low and slow, and not the usual frat-boy blasting nonsense I expected.

There was no going back as I reached his porch. So I steeled my nerves and pushed the doorbell, bracing myself for whatever was about to happen. But when he opened the door, I froze at the sight before me.

Beck had put up candles all over. Actual f*****g candles, glowing all over the living room. There were rose petals sprinkled across the floor like some cheesy rom-com scene, with a bottle of wine and two glasses on the coffee table. And then there was Beck himself, standing there in a fitted black t-shirt that clung to his chest like sin itself, and grey sweatpants that left little to the imagination.

I nearly fainted at the sight.

"Hi Buzzkill," he said with a smirk. "Glad you could make it."

"Wow," I croaked. "Did you rob a florist on the way home?"

He smirked, stepping aside to let me in. "Don't act like you're not impressed."

"I'm not impressed," I lied, my eyes shamelessly drinking in everything. "This is... fine. Totally average."

He chuckled, shutting the door behind me as he said, "Good. That means I didn't overdo it."

We sat down on the couch, with the soft hum of music filling the silence. My heart was still going at NASCAR speed, but he poured me some wine like we were on a goddamn date and then he sat beside me. It was so normal, as if we weren't about to rip each other's clothes off and get freaky.

"So," he said calmly, swirling his glass, "can I ask you something?"

"Sure," I replied, suddenly realizing that my palms were sweating."

"Where do you see yourself in five years?" he said, c*****g his head to the side.

I blinked confusedly at him, then I said, "Seriously? You light candles, play Marvin Gaye, and your opening line is a job interview question?"

He grinned at me and said, "What? I'm trying to get to know you. You know, put you at ease. Isn't that what people do before they... you know?"

"f**k?" I deadpanned.

"Exactly," he said, completely unbothered.

I laughed, even though my stomach clenched painfully. "Five years... I guess I'd be working in a big hospital in New York. Nurse Ellie, saving lives and wearing scrubs. That's the kind of thing I look forward to."

The lie slid off my tongue easily, but it burned on the way out. Because the truth was I didn't have five years. I barely even had five months. But Beck smiled softly, like he actually believed me. "I could see that. You'd look good in scrubs."

"Wow," I muttered. "Way to ruin the mood with your fetish."

He laughed, leaning back against the couch as he said, "I'm serious. You could do it."

I bit my lip while looking at him, and for a second I wished more than anything that I could believe him. That there really was a future where I made it to New York and became someone. Someone who wasn't just the sick girl with a ticking clock.

"Ellie?"

"Yeah?"

"I can't wait any longer," he said in a voice that made me melt. "Can I kiss you now?"

If I was going to stop, this was the final moment. This was my last opportunity to say no and walk out of here. But I didn't want that. I wanted him, and I wanted to get this over with. So I said, "Yes you can."

For a brief moment, the silence stretched between us, thick and heavy as I desperately thought of something else to say. But then Beck leaned in before I could think myself to oblivion, and he kissed me.

The kiss started softly and gently, almost hesitant. But within seconds it was like we were both starving. His hand slid up to the back of my neck, pulling me closer while I clutched his shirt like I'd drown if I let go. Every thought I had (about cancer, about dying, and about being terrified of screwing this up) just melted away under the heat of his mouth.

When he finally pulled back, his forehead rested against mine. His voice was low, rough and dangerous as he said, "Let's move this to the bedroom."

And just like that, my entire body went up in flames.