When Love is Pain

The Heartbreak

The storm finally came on a foggy winter morning. After Nisha had appeared for her December attempt for CS Executive and tasted failure once again for the third time, her college and her lady love were her sanctuary and she yearned to return. It was 2nd January, 2024, her classes had resumed. As usual Nisha was waiting for Maya before attending her classes but when Maya's auto didn't arrive past the fixed time she used to reach the college, Nisha was a little heartbroken."She might be absent today," Nisha thought but even after waiting for a week, Nisha found no traces of Maya. The bus left without Maya, Deepti ma'am or Tarun sir didn't ask the bus driver to wait for Maya ma'am. Nisha felt like a mysterious case had been handed to her. Will she be able to solve it?

Nisha still felt like Maya had been taking a long break but when she saw Maya post her picture on f*******: in her college cabin, Nisha was totally perplexed. It seemed like Maya had disappeared from her life. How will Nisha survive without seeing her physically? Nisha knew Maya was still in the college, but that's not enough because she needs to see Maya and she isn't able to do that. Once she thought if she should ask Deepti ma'am about Maya's whereabouts but then she thought Maya might try to distance herself from Nisha if she felt her desperation. Moreover, Nisha wasn't the same teenager now. She'd be turning 21 that year, a little older, a little wiser, after all the things Maya had done to her, whether intentionally or not, she just couldn't let Maya have the satisfaction that Nisha is searching for her like a lunatic. That's why Nisha didn't even reach out to Maya. What could she possibly ask? "Hi ma'am, I can't find you nowadays and it's breaking me! Please tell me why you aren't returning by the bus?" Maya would have either scolded Nisha for being clingy and needy and crossing boundaries and wasting her time with her nonsense or ignored her completely.

Nisha was devastated and lost. One evening, she returned by the bus feeling her heart hollow and the sting caused by the absence of Maya and fell back on her chair. She looked exhausted physically, her body gave up. She had been sitting there quietly for sometime looking at the beautiful pink rose plant in her room. The rose had bloomed fully but isn't that ironic when Nisha's Rose wasn't to be found in the room of her life? Her parents asked why she looked so sad.

"Just life's happening, Baba."

Nisha still continued to sit in the lawn in the morning waiting for Maya, adamant and determined that she'd find Maya even if the sky swallowed her or the earth hid her. That day, she saw someone's silhouette in a deep blue coloured car and felt like the silhouette belonged to Maya. The next day, she knew she had to look for that blue car and when it crossed Nisha, she saw Maya in it. Yes, there she was, smiling at Nisha from her car! The first golden rays of the winter Sun fell on Maya's face making her look like a dream, a fantasy. Nisha gave her a surprised smile and waved at Maya. Maya waved back. Nisha was running in joy along the silent, dark, cold corridors outside her classroom. She did it! Yes, even fate had to bow before Nisha's love and devotion! However she must note the car's number for ease.

On 1st February, Nisha followed Maya's car. It stopped before the Civil Engineering building. Maya got down from the car and entered that building. Nisha didn't want to make it look obvious, she wanted to make it look like an accidental meeting. She too entered the building. She was checking her phone but that was a performative gesture. She had been frequently glancing at whether Maya was coming back. Maya crossed that path and saw Nisha. The former greeted her with a wide, warm smile showing all her teeth. It was Maya this time who asked first," Hey, how are you?'

"I'm fine, ma'am! How are you?"

"I'm fine too!"

Nisha couldn't say anything else. She didn't want Maya to be thinking like Nisha missed her.

Nisha avoided the bus completely after knowing Maya would never return by the bus. If Maya's not there, the bus holds no value. She recalled how Maya had told her earlier when she talked about her illness that she is thinking of leaving the bus.

"Well she said that another time too!" Hence Nisha didn't take Maya seriously this time.

However Nisha was happy for Maya. Truly, Maya deserved this. She was always working hard and it used to break Nisha's heart seeing Maya come by and auto in those chilly winters. She'll now be warm in winters and cool in summers. Nisha was happy for Maya even if that meant she couldn't share any space with Maya anymore, the 45 minutes she was allowed to look at Maya was now reduced to 1 or 2 minutes, if Nisha was lucky.

That evening, as Nisha sat across her private tutor, distractedly flipping pages of her tax notes, he asked,"Nisha, are you alright? You don’t seem yourself these days. Is there something bothering you?"

She hesitated, then said softly, "There’s someone… she’s not been around lately. I used to see her every day."

He didn’t press her much but raised an eyebrow, "Who is this someone?"

Nisha opened Maya's f*******: account, "This lady! Isn't she beautiful?" He smiled a little, almost pityingly. "You're beautiful too, Nisha! Why are you after this married woman? Maybe it’s a good thing. You’re too gentle to notice when people are mocking your innocence with kind smiles. Some women do that — especially when they sense someone’s devotion."

Nisha looked up sharply but didn’t let the hurt show. She simply said, "Please don’t say that, sir. I know she isn’t like those women."

Her voice was calm, but unwavering. She didn’t know if Maya would ever return, if she'd ever look at her the same way again — but she knew what she had seen in Maya’s eyes once. And she was willing to hold on to that, even if the world called her a fool.

Nisha was thinking about her tutor's advice. "Maybe he's right. I shouldn't chase an unavailable person now." Hence, Nisha tried to move on. She installed a few dating apps, and chatted with some boys. Maybe if she could distract her heart, she'd stop aching for Maya but no matter how kind or interesting the other person was, Nisha would find herself comparing their smiles, their silences, their glances — all with Maya. Each attempt at love ended where it began: with Nisha returning to her room, deleting the app, and whispering to herself, “It’s no use.” Her heart crawled back to Maya.

Moving on — postponed. Or maybe… cancelled. Nisha imagined maybe someday, maybe they'd be together. She felt guilty because then Maya's husband had to be either dead or filing for a divorce but still when reality hurts people try to cope up by imagining the what-ifs, the perfect situation, the alternate reality.