When Love is Pain

The Ultimatum

Everything happened exactly the way Nisha had imagined but never really thought would become reality. As Nisha was standing with her best friend talking on the first day of their third year at college, Nisha saw Maya looking straight into her eyes, nobody had ever looked at Nisha like that: not her favourite teacher with whom she had a great bond, not teachers who liked her, not even those boys who wanted her. Maya made no effort to shift the direction of her eyes. Nisha finally asked," How are you, ma'am?"

Maya responded in affirmative and asked Nisha the same question and then walked away. Nisha felt she wasn't drawn to Maya as intensely as she used to be. Nisha stopped waiting for Maya before her classes. It began with a simple act of prioritising herself. She used to come fighting with people in public transport, most of the time standing in a bus for 45 minutes and she had to do breakfast after reaching her college before her classes begun. "A year from now, I won't be seeing her daily, I'll be graduating, my college will end, I must better prepare myself in advance to live like this," Nisha thought.

It was 5th September again. Nisha sat at the campus lawn, she knew Maya would turn up today in a saree, she must not miss that moment. She saw Maya in an office white saree with blue blouse. She looked beautiful. It was her 40th birthday but she didn't look like 40, she looked much younger atleat in Nisha's eyes. The vermillion on Maya's scalp brutally conveyed Nisha," Back off! She isn't yours! She never will be!" But Nisha didn't wish her, not even once. Maya kept posting her birthday pictures but Nisha still remained silent.

"I still remember me crying on those lonely summer nights for her, thinking if I would be able to make up to my last attempt for CS Executive and if I wish her today, that girl won't forgive me. I can't do this to myself, I can't betray myself."

However Nisha finally betrayed herself, she let herself fall for Maya again. It was the last day before the Durga Puja holidays. As Nisha was about to leave, she saw Maya suddenly appearing in front of her in a way that blocked Nisha's way. Maya was talking to the Vice Chancellor about a project. She could neither cross the Vice Chancellor nor Maya, Nisha was stuck there. In that moment Nisha felt a strange sense of familiarity with Maya and all her feelings suddenly started coming back. They moved and Nisha started moving too, she didn't call for Maya this time, she was content that she had seen Maya. However Maya turned around to Nisha's surprise and started moving towards her bearing that same smile. Their eyes met for a brief moment and Nisha asked,"Did you just hear my heart's voice, ma'am? Do you want me too? Do you love me too?"

"How are you doing ma'am? What about your health?"

"I'm doing fine and you know my health keeps fluctuating. I have some work to be done. Can I just go Babu?"

Nisha nodded willingly and smiled.

Throughout the Puja holidays Nisha missed Maya like Shiva missed Parvati during that time. She promised she'd get Maya now at any cost, she had have enough of Maya's parts now she wants her whole for just herself.

She devised a plan and Nisha resorted to half-truth and half-lie and approached Maya after the holidays got over.

"Ma'am, I'm leaving the college."

"Oh no! Why?"

"That's a very long story ma'am, actually I was thinking that once you had told that I can join your lectures to learn physics, so I want it now one last time before leaving. When will I come?"

"You can come on Friday."

"And one more thing, can I just call you for confirming this or asking the time?"

Maya smiled and nodded.

Nisha couldn't believe her eyes. She asked again. Same response.

"Okay, then I have to know if you remember my name otherwise it'd be very awkward when I call you."

Maya paused for a moment, trying to recall.

"Ishita?"

Nisha shook.

"Ishika?"

Nisha shook her head again, keeping her smile intact.

"Then what is it?"

"It's Nisha."

"Oh yes! Nisha Bhandari. Yeah I remember now!"

Nisha couldn't just tell Maya that she was missing her and wanted to spend some time with her because her best friend had got placement and she felt lonely during the off periods. She thought if they start spending time together, maybe, Maya would finally acknowledge that she loves Nisha; a truth Maya had been denying to herself. Nisha thought Maya loved her too but her marriage, her role as a professor, their immense age difference and gender roles had been holding Maya back. It wasn't a lie overall because Nisha will actually be leaving in 6 months, her graduation was knocking the door, she wouldn't be able to see Maya.

Nisha called Maya on Friday. Maya responded in that sultry tone but she politely turned down Nisha saying they had a seminar that day and asked her to come next week. Nisha felt something off because there were no announcements of that seminar. Maya didn't share any photos afterwards either. However she decided to try one last time giving Maya the benefit of doubt this time.

"She might have not taken any photos at all," but deep inside, Nisha knew it wasn't possible.

Nisha had saved Maya's number as "8th Wonder" with a heart emoji and a lovely picture of Maya as her contact photo in her phone. Before dialing the number, Nisha was a little anxious but when she heard Maya's familiar voice from the other end, her anxiety faded.

The next day, Nisha called again but this time Maya sounded cold and indifferent. She replied," I'm quite pressurized today. Come next week."

The day before this incident when they had met by chance, Maya had told Nisha she was going to have lunch with her colleague and wanted her to introduce Nisha to her colleague but Nisha wasn't quite interested. This time, too, she blocked Maya's path again something she had a year and a half ago but this time she was met with softness. Nisha didn't say muchm she had let Maya walk away.