When Love is Pain

The Shock

Nisha was scrolling through f*******: when she saw Maya post. She was draped in a pristine white saree with red borders. She was attending a session on a news channel representing her university and providing information on their curriculum. She spoke almost like a student who has learnt everything by heart. Nisha wondered how can she talk so effortlessly of all these minute intricate curriculum details of so many courses? It's like doctors memorizing which sickness has got which symptoms. Maya looked more filled out now, a little plumper than what she was a year and a half ago but she still looked beautiful. Her hair neatly tied, her red bindi sitting perfectly. Nisha had never seen Maya in such a traditional form, she was absolutely mesmerized.

After some time, when she opened f*******: again to look at her photos again(Nisha often didn't comment on Maya's photos now or liked them, instead she looked at her photos again and again), they were vanished. In fact, all of Maya's photos were vanished. Her profile was now blank. Nisha was confused. First, Maya herself vanished and now she is vanished digitally too? Maybe it's just a server glitch but when Nisha saw she could see everyone's profile except Maya something quietly exploded in her heart. She was panicked, scared. She had always been an overthinker. She thought what if it was like she won't be able to see Maya again. Maya's digital presence was the only comfort left in Nisha's life that even after life drifts them apart in different directions, she'd still be able to see Maya's smile, her joy, her happiness. Nisha's life started feeling empty.

That night, 16th April, 2024, she got fever. Though she tackled her physical sickness well by taking medicines, she forgot to live. This June, she'll be going to sit for CS Executive Module 2 for the last time, this will be her fourth attempt, she had promised herself that she'd give her best. She didn't quite know how she'll do that now. She had already wasted nearly one and a half month chasing and finding Maya back. Her friends came to her rescue but love is a feelings that runs deeper than any friendship. Nisha struggled yet she managed to somehow channelize her pain into productivity but she the void crept in her heart at night and in the morning. Nisha checked everyday but Maya's profile still remained empty, completely blank.

"Doesn't she want to stay connected to me even after my college ends? Does she want to push me away?" Nisha had asked her friends.

They didn't provide with any comforting words, they just reiterated the reality of the current situation.

"This is the truth. Deal with it," they said.

Nisha didn't one last thing she could. She turned to Shiva and asked for power, power to carry herself through the storm. She changed the music her alarm ringtone to Gayatri mantra and when it rang she felt little less lonely after waking up. She also chanted the Rudra Gayatri Mantra 108 times until one day she found she wasn't thinking of Maya anymorem she was just thinking of her exam. She also uninstalled f*******:.

One day, in the month of May, she saw Maya's car go past her. Maya wasn't supposed to leave that early but maybe she had taken an early departure. Nisha couldn't see Maya she just saw her car sped past her, she doesn't know if Maya saw her.

However, things changed quickly. Just after Nisha's exam was over and she reinstalled f*******: just to reconnect with her people on social media, she found some new posts on Maya's wall and instantly Maya was forgiven. All of Nisha's heart wrenching nights and grief stricken mornings were forgotten in a jiffy

"Oh, she had just made her previous posts private and it wasn't something related to me! She hadn't deliberately chosen to push me away!"

So there Nisha was again waiting to see Maya in the morning even during her end semester exams.

"I've studied enough, last minute revision isn't as necessary as seeing Maya!"

After her exams got over, Nisha had to go and stay at Jamshedpur. Nisha had told Maya earlier.

"Ma'am, I just want to share a good news with you! I've got an opportunity to work as an intern at Tata Motors, Jamshedpur!" Nisha doesn't know why she decided to tell that to Maya. Perhaps she wanted Maya's validation or show off her academic excellence and talent which Maya never bothered to see or maybe she just wanted to share her happiness with Maya.

"That's really a good news! Hey, I have to talk to the Registrar."

Nisha had happily left Maya then because she had work and moreover, her message was already conveyed.

"Why don't you take Maya ma'am along with you?" Her friend joked.

"You know, it really depends on her, because I don't think she'll be ready to leave her university and come with me. Her workplace is almost like her own biological child," Nisha replied.

Before leaving for Jamshedpur, she told her heart as if Maya would know the quiet unspoken language of Nisha'a heart just like Bram Stoker's Count Dracula sitting on the lawn in her college during the exact time Maya's car stood in front of the lawn at a plausible distance, enough for Nisha to remain hidden and left, the time Maya took to enter the administrative building to punch in.

"Today we're here sharing the same space but tomorrow I'll be in Jamshedpur and you'll be here in Kolkata: just one day and our worlds suddenly become distinct and separate.

She missed Maya deeply there almost like a lack of oxygen. She counted days when she'll get back and the very first day, she'd be meeting Maya. Maya would be asking her the same question she always asks," How are you?"

"It's just a phase, I'll soon be coming back, Maya, to you, my home!"