Two Ships

Proverbial Pandora's Box

Abigale woke with the sun streaming in a bit through the blinds. She was losing track of days. Keanu was keeping her mind busy. She was sure she had met him on Wednesday. Thursday was spent in rounds of amazing s*x and then dinner and dancing. Friday was a bit of a blur, starting with the ex early that morning, but she was sure they had started the day with breakfast after waking up and Cae stopping by. Then they spent the rest of the day in bed. That meant today was Saturday! She was pretty sure she hadn't even looked at her cell phone since Thursday morning. Had he even stopped to go back to his hotel? It seemed like one long day strung together in amazing s*x and sleep. She was making breakfast and breaking this cycle. No wonder things were getting fuzzy. She needed a mental break to take some self-inventory. At this point, neither of them were thinking straight.

On that note she crept from the bed, and got her shower in, her teeth brushed and her hair and face put together. They definitely couldn't spend another day in bed. Food was a priority. She quietly walked through the bedroom and hurried herself into whipping up some real breakfast. Bacon, eggs, biscuits and gravy from scratch sounded lovely. Abigale started the biscuits, pulling out the flour and other ingredients. She made the dough and let it sit. Next was the bacon, a mix of hard and soft. The gravy would take a minute but she started by preparing the cast iron skillet. She warmed it slowly to temper it. White pepper gravy was a skillset of living in small southern towns. While waiting, she put on the kettle and got the coffee brewing. She could handle most things, but not without the morning cigarette and hot tea.

The biscuits were ready to knead out, roll and cut. That part was her favorite. Something was missing. She stopped and realized the house was quiet. Too quiet. Pushing play on the player and adjusting the volume, she let the sounds of the 90's grunge rock motivate her. Once the beat was going and the kettle was hot, she dropped her tea bags into her favorite mug and added her honey and lemon to the mix. Her mind was calming and getting back into some semblance of her normal routine. Moving back the biscuits after her water had been poured into the mug, she was ready to go. She got them rolled out and cut and was putting them on the tray when she heard the water come on in their bathroom.

Keanu woke and, realizing he was alone, his body was ready to find her. Shower, the hygiene routine, realizing he was wearing the same jeans from yesterday, told him it was time to visit his hotel room today. He took his time in the shower letting the water do most of the work. His body had gotten in some amazing workouts and he was hurting in a few places he hadn't used in a while. He felt amazing, his energy was through the roof. His sleep had been deep and peaceful. He liked waking up like this. He was going to take his time and enjoy this.

The gravy was well under way, biscuits were almost ready, she had the toast started and the eggs poaching. She was halfway through her tea and on her second cigarette. With the windows open and the fresh air spilling in with the morning air, her music keeping her body moving, she was on her way to an amazing mood this morning. She was in her groove and didn't even notice him standing in the room watching her move to the music while stirring the skillet. Had she noticed, she might have stopped and that was the last thing he wanted her to do right now.

Keanu walked out to his band playing on a speaker, Abigale dancing in the kitchen like no one was watching, singing to the lyrics and the most amazing smells coming from her direction. The coffee was calling him and his body was screaming for it. Instead, he pulled out a cigarette, and stood there enjoying her in her natural state without distraction. So maybe twerking wasn't her thing. He stiffled a giggle but was very turned on by the attempt and the way she swayed to the music. This scene was perfect. He just wanted to be in the moment with her. How long had it been since he had danced in a kitchen? He wondered if he could sneak up behind her and join her? He didn't want to break the moment. And he didn't want to miss being in that moment with her. He moved as quietly as a six foot one inch, one hundred and eighty-five pound man can barefoot. He moved up behind her, finding her rhythm and moving his body in sync with hers until he was behind her. He had to bend his knees a bit to match her five-foot height. He gently placed his hand on her hip. She stilled.

How had he snuck up on her? Oh he smelled amazing. Her hips kept moving, she liked feeling him pressed up behind her like that. Cigarette in one hand, his other on her hip. The way he moved with her felt fluid and he felt so strong to her. His body was solid, and he loved pressing back into him. They moved like that while she finished the gravy. Then the spell was broken as the timer dinged for the biscuits. He kissed her neck and moved back against the opposite counter to let her work. He decided to grab his coffee and found her ashtray. He liked being in her space, feeling her energy. "What can I help you with?"

"Grab the toast?" She nodded in the direction of the appliance. She had never cared for other people in her cooking space. It was sacred to her. Somehow he fit, he belonged there. That thought hit her hard. Images of childish food fights, cooking together, the things she wanted to experience in a relationship and had never felt or done. This overwhelming sadness hit her for just a second, but it was so strong a tear fell before she even realized her eyes were leaking. Abigale shook it off, shook herself, wiped her cheek and sniffled.

Keanu had just put the toast on a plate when he heard that sound. He knew that sound instinctively. His body froze. He stopped. When he raised his head to look at her, her back to him, he saw the familiar movement of her hand moving from her face. Slowly he took a step towards her.

"Don't" Abigale's voice was firm, the tone one he had never heard from her lips before and her body locked up.

"Don't what?" the extreme caution in his voice told her they were both stuck. Him not knowing what to do, her not wanting to scare him.

"Don't touch me," she softened her tone.

"Why?" What had just happened here? Keanu stood very still.

"Because if you do I'm going to break, and I refuse to do that. I need you to ignore me and just pretend you don't know whatever you know and keep doing your coffee thing and give me a second please." Abigale was shaking, expecting the physical contact. It didn't come. She closed her eyes, she took a breath, stepped away from the stove and silently grabbed a cigarette and lit it.

She moved herself away from him, and closed her eyes, let her body relax while she smoked. The music continued to play and no matter how much she tried, she knew he was watching her.

Keanu said nothing, he smoked his cigarette, drank his coffee, his face showed his concern and how confused he was. He was not moving. Not until she said she was ready for that. Whatever had just happened, just now, he knew something had happened inside her. He was patient, he would wait, and later, when she was ready, she would tell him. Until then he would stay here, give her that space and make sure nothing burned. "It's okay baby, I'm right here. I got this. We're okay."

His voice and words brought her back around. She slowly looked up at him. She had a look of terror and fear in her eyes. "I'm so sorry," She said softly. She didn't meet his eyes.

Keanu slowly turned off the stove and burners, and very carefully walked to her. "Can I touch you?"

"I think so," she said softly.

"I'm going to touch you now okay?" He wanted to make sure.

Abigale nodded and he gently put his hand on hers until she let him intertwine his fingers together with hers. Then she relaxed.

She sat down in the chair.

Keanu knelt in front of her. Searching her face. "Honey, what happened? Talk to me please."

Her hand went to her mouth, it was something he hadn't seen her do before. "I was abused, badly. By a few of my husbands. I was fine and I looked up and realized how you feel like you belong in my space with me. It was like being hit with years of flashbacks. I was okay one minute with this happy amazing thought and then it just went in a dark direction and my brain panicked. It's a trauma response. The fight or flight part of my brain is in hyper drive and I'm trying to force my mind to reset and believe we are safe and okay but sometimes that takes a minute. I'm so sorry."

"Abi, look at me." He was being gentle, but that wasn't a request.

Abigale forced herself to meet his eyes. This part was the worst for her. She hated this part. She met his eyes and let him see what she knew was there within them.

Keanu sat silent and really looked at her. He hated seeing that pain inside her. He felt her sadness. She was letting him see pieces of her soul that she hid from the world in this moment. All of her vulnerabilities and insecurities are reflected there. It killed him to see that inside of her. He pulled her into his lap and sat with her like that. In the floor of her dining room, he held her, he stroked her hair, and felt her body relax. "I won't hurt you like that. I will never hurt you like that. I will spend my life proving that to you, if you will let me." He kissed her forehead and held her tighter. His heart hurt. "When you are ready to tell me, I will listen. For now, why don't we eat this amazing breakfast you made and you let me take care of you today?"

She just nodded. And she did something she hadn't done in a long time and let him hold her. "I never wanted you to see this. It doesn't happen to me often. I've also not been in any kind of relationship for many years. I have been in therapy for a few years and most days this doesn't happen. I thought I'd have some more time before getting into this part." Abigale stood up. "I'm okay now." She moved back to the kitchen, finishing what she started. Pulling plates down and making her own. She wasn't sure about what he enjoyed, so she handed Ke his plate and let him figure it out. She moved to the table and tried to eat but her appetite was shot. Another long-term damage of complex post-traumatic stress syndrome. She pushed her plate away.

Keanu finished his plate, and decided to move a chair to sit beside her at the table instead of across from her. He wanted her close to him. She pushed her plate away. Her face was drained of joy and grim. She looked as if sadness was upon her. "Can you tell me about it?"

"It's pretty morbid and not really the best breakfast conversation." She said.

She deflected again, "You're avoiding this. Why?" He was calm but needed some answers this time.

"Because I know you have your own pain. I know how deeply that hurts and I don't want you to have any more because of me." It was that simple. Abigale would never want to be the cause of his pain.

"I think I can handle it. I may not like that you have lived through horrible things, and I may try to kiss you until you forget about everything that has ever caused a tear to fall from your eyes. I'd rather know. Because the more you tell me about what they got wrong, the less chance I have of repeating their mistakes. Please go on." He kept eating.

"I was a child bride, not because I was knocked up, but because I had a horrible parental figure. I ran away and finally emancipated. Home was a battlefield, not normally physically, but mentally and verbally it never stopped. I dealt with wanting to stop living many times. There was a lot of physical abuse in school leading up to being r***d in a field. I would have done anything to just escape from that. I married the first person I was told to marry. Zane has a brother, Dylan. I had met Zane before Dylan, but there was chemistry and he was taken. I ended up with Dylan. By the time Zane was divorced, I was being pushed into marrying Dylan. Timing wasn't right even though there was a strong magnetic pull to Zane. It was just timing. I married Dylan and Zane was part of the package but refused to be at the wedding. He moved in with us, the entire marriage he lived with us, so there was a strong friendship between us and a no touching unspoken rule because whatever was there, it was strong. We didn't tempt fate. I tried to make it work with Dylan, we got pregnant a year after we were married, but he couldn't find work. I worked two jobs and then when I had our daughter, he found work. I was immediately pregnant with our son within weeks after giving birth. There I was, a child bride, an underaged mother of two. I was isolated but the beatings didn't start until after Serena was born. Each beating worse than the previous. Some broken bones and my head through a windshield later I had him put in jail. My family bailed him out and told me to suck it up and brought him back to our home. That cycle went through his three arrests, my family bailing him out and telling me I was a horrible wife and to stop pissing him off. Completely isolated, sleep deprived, sleeping on the floor, wanting to die and abusing alcohol to cope for six years did it's damage. After our son was born he put me in strip clubs for work, and an escort company while I was also working two other jobs. Dylan wouldn't watch the kids so I took them to work with me. I didn't have many other options. Zane worked over the road and was rarely home. When he was home, Dylan was convincing him I was a slut and not being a good wife or mother. The jobs were taking their toll, as was the alcohol and the life of a stripper and hooker changed how I dealt with things. " Abigale stopped.

Keanu had forgotten about breakfast when she said broken bones. It wasn't getting any better. "Go on." It took all of his willpower to say those two words through his gritted teeth.

"I was working as a third shift waitress at a diner, he had beaten me pretty bad the day before. I had my arm in a sling, half my face was black, the other purple from his last beating. I was trying to juggle the plates and dropped so many that night. He pulled in late, a friend had given him a portable tattoo gun and he forced me outside into the truck and sat on me while tattooing the word w***e on my arm. He said it was better advertising. From then on he would sit at the restaurant and tell people they could use me for Twenty bucks.'' Abigale stopped then.

"He did what?" Keanu was between a homicidal rage and blind fury. He kept his voice very low and calm. "I need you to say that one more time please."

Abigale repeated herself without emotion. "Dylan held me town after beating me and breaking my arm so he could tattoo the word w***e on my arm because it was better advertising." Abigale paused, "Twenty dollars a pop and that is why I now have the bat on my arm, it's a cover up."

Keanu thought he was going to be sick. "How old were you?"

"Nineteen maybe," Abigale was trying to remember, "I have a hard time remembering dates, time lines, age ranges. That's part of having C-PTSD, it causes permanent damage to your hippocampus and things get fuzzy. This story doesn't get better, that's the nicest part of it."

"How long did this go on?" Keanu asked.

"We were married for six years. When he bashed in my head and left me bleeding to death with my daughter cradled between me and the bathtub so she wouldn't be hurt, it got worse. Eventually, he started beating on our two-year-old son. I begged my family to take my kids and protect them. Finally, they did. I became a drunk after that. It was the only way to not feel the beatings, they were daily by that point. Eventually, one of the customers paid him twenty-five dollars for me and used me, then didn't let me go home. Dylan divorced me, took everything, told everyone about my cheating and f*****g anyone with a pulse. I rarely saw my children and was working at the strip club and doing tours. Zane lived with me after the divorce. But by then, he had a girlfriend and I was with the customer that would eventually become husband number two. He was a narcissist, and so much worse than Dylan. But I think that's all I can stomach for now if it's okay with you." Abigale lit another cigarette and sat there in silence not meeting my eyes.

"Is that how it ended with him then?" Keanu asked.

"No, but I don't have the heart to tell you the rest now." Abigale got up and walked around.

She looked like someone had stolen the life out of her. Her face was dropped down, she could barely keep her eyes open. It was like someone drained her battery. I can see what it cost her to tell me that much. I wanted this man dead. I was angrier in that moment than I had been throughout my lifetime. Keanu saw the tiredness all over her. Her energy and vibe had changed. It was heavy.

"Ke, I think I need to sleep for a bit. Please, if that's okay." Abigale was asking.

Keanu got up and lifted her into his arms, he carried her to the bed, gently putting her down. He kissed her forehead. "You sleep. I'm going to clean your kitchen."

"Oh no, I'll do it when I wake up, I don't want you cleaning up after me." Abigale was already falling asleep.

"Sleep. I'll be right here." Keanu sat on the bed and watched her give in to the emotional and mental exhaustion that put her through.