The Fabulous Flaming Moose

Dreamscape

This doesn't feel real, twice now escaping death, not sure if Death will win the next round.

I no longer have a sense of time, this could be only a day or two after that crash, could be a month, my reality feels askew, in and out of different dreams, memories, even some s****l fantasies most likely brought on by the awareness of touch but lack of being able to awaken, pain mixed with relief as I can only contemplate it being meds from the iv I can feel in my right hand.

This is torture, as I continue drifting in and out like drafting the car in front of me trying hard to take the lead, I can't tell if my Dad has been here, or my boss and co workers or the few friends I had left that understood racing and the hard work and the risk.

My thoughts also shift to Mom who past 2 years ago of cancer, Dad hasn't been the same and now me his only son, only child has been to close to deaths door, like a youth playing ding dong ditch, he must be here, he didn't leave mom's side, her whole illness, must be quite in the chair if there is a chair in ICU? Am I still in ICU? 

I still have no idea what surgery I had, or if I am healing in any way, not sure what caused my second flatline either, I am so out of touch with just about everything, I question if I am sane, or dead and in hell.

There is a feeling like I am having time with my mom, be it memory mixed with dreams, it's nice to feel like she is here with me. Feels like existentialism if my mind isn't to full of fog that I am thinking of a wrong word, looking for what sums up this implying existence, to affirm I am not in hell dreaming of some hope to wake up to a nightmare.

Deja vu or is it eureka this experience id familiar because of a music video on you tube, what was that song unforgiven? Metallica wasn't it? that long song and the coma guy who just wanted to die, am I going to end up that guy? not living my life so I am not really alive just breathing? 

If I wake up from this I feel like I will be crazy, what a blur everything is, I must be missing something to get myself to wake up, but what is it? 

I don't feel the need to go to the bathroom, I wonder if that is normal? 

Reliving all my races, if after waking in the event I can't race anymore it really has been a pretty amazing career, but I am only 28 that seems to young to retire right now in this coma I am aware I may have no choice, if this is a head injury, or I end up with vision problems I could risk other drivers if I drive and I have to much respect for all the drivers to risk them.

Feeling helpless, stuck, this wave of dread that my racing days are over, so who am I with out racing?

Are there clues here in this dreamscape? These s****l dreams I have, is it time to find someone and settle down? Catch up on other sports? Movie watching?  

I have achieved what I set out to do in racing, but I want to keep going and become a legend.

My thoughts are silenced is that music I hear? Pain meds seem to be working as I feel like I could dance, " Hey Moose, you rested yet or what?" Tony? is that really my best friend? he moved years ago to be with his wife, Bali no less, but she was here for college and they fell in love, he gave up everything for her, seems happy, we keep in touch by email and some video chats, hard to believe he is a dad, total 180 in his life, what is he doing here?.

" What's the matter with you? can't pick up a phone?," Dude really in a coma here. "Oh sure use the I'm in a coma excuse, the misses and I got worried, got on a plane and find out your here",  That comes as a shock, Dad has his information unless they moved and I didn't know.

"You're dad looks like crap by the way, nurses say they sent him home, his been here almost a full month, dude time to wake the hell up."  he has a crack in his voice, maybe just about ready to cry, he cried with me when mom died, so I was right, dad has been here, why didn't I hear his voice, or notice feeling his touch? why didn't I hear doctors explain the coma or injuries to him? 

Come on Moose, I hear myself, wake up to find out. 

" Hey Tony" 

"Hello Mr Moose senior, was just giving Moose Jr what for, making you worry like this."

"Thanks Tony, sorry I didn't contact you, I let his boss know and wasn't home much, just quick shower and change, then back here hoping to be here when he woke up" he followed with a sigh, this must bring back painful memories, of moms last month, it brings it back for me and I am the one in the hospital bed.

Mom was incredible, supportive but I know it scared her, my racing, she did my first racing uniform for the go karts, made a cute logo and did parents as sponsors, won the kart championship my second year, that year she had added the grandparents and cousins and a few neighbors at that so it was full like the pros, maybe I stayed single because what women out there could ever come close to being like my mom, a love like they had.

"Anything we can do?" Tony asks my dad still in a choked up tone, "Just pray Tony, just pray".

" You've got it sir, praying it is " Still choked up, this man was like a brother to me, his family, we started racing together, in fact my mom made his uniforms too, and his dad sponsored our years in dirt bike racing so we could be teammates, I was his best man, I was to visit after race season ended to be the uncle that spoils those girls, I do it after every season, so it's been a month since my crash and the season is over.

" Moose, before I forget congrats on that win, shocking you had enough points to still win the season, guessing you finally had your dream come true about being a legend. Just hurry up and get better, not sure those nieces of yours can stand the sight of all these machines."