Three Little Birds

Questions of Bond Pt. 3

I soon felt the mixture of the alcohol and m*******a, my mind hazy, but not unpleasantly so.

We migrated to the living room after the game was done, Mykel having to catch me as I stumbled over the floor. I felt his propinquity next to me, the heat of his arm wrapped around my waist, stealing me. I found myself leaning into his hold. My hand coming to rest on his chest.

I closed my eyes, my head pressed into his shoulder.

It would be so easy...

I had not noticed we were standing still until he tugged lightly on me, whispering to come on. We walked to the couch and he set me lightly on it. The room spun lightly and I found myself leaning once more into him. I inhaled him. I both felt and heard his pulse speed up at my impingement, he inhaled sharply as my arm wound around his abdomen.

"Alright, boys," Liz said and stood up after rolling herself a before-bed snack, "it's late. And I have to go in tomorrow. And you, sir," she gave me a pointed look, "day after tomorrow, bright and early. I need you to open. Reagan can't do it."

I nodded. "Okay. Am...am I coming back here?" I asked her that every shift she took me to work. The truth was, I did not want to return to my sad, small existence. I enjoyed living with the two of them. To have people around who make me laugh. Who gives me reasons to laugh and smile. 

Where I was shown love and affection, even in a platonic sense. They hugged me. And checked on me. And generally just...cared...

I didn't want to leave the security I found here. And I had the dooming premonition that when I finally came clean of my past...that would be it for me. I would have nothing else. I knew that I would not be able to rebuild once more from the devastating earthquake that would so destroy the foundation that I had been working so long to erect.

Liz smiled at me, indulgent and sad. She had repeated every time I asked that I could stay, that I was always welcome.

She knelt in front of me taking my hands in hers. "This weekend, how about this...we go get your stuff and you just stay."

My eyes widened. "What?"

Liz smiled patiently. "Well, baby, for the last two weeks or so you've asked me if you can stay. And you get this heartbroken look on your face like if I sent you back home I would be abandoning you like a puppy on the side of the freeway.

"I don't wanna see that look anymore. And besides that...I like having you here. And anyway...can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me you feel at home at and want to return to the apartment?"

I shook my head. "No. I don't like it there. I don't wanna go back," I whispered honestly. I did not want to go back. The quiet and overwhelming loneliness of that place crushed me. I had too much time to think there. Too much time to remember.

"Well, then don't." She stood and kissed my forehead. "Think about it, sweetie. G'night, boys."

I watched her go down the hall to her room and quietly closed the door. I took in her words from earlier that morning. 

You're not going to lose me. 

As the door closed I came to the effectuation that I was being watched. Under Mykel's scrutiny, I flushed, my head still pleasantly spinning from the drinks.

"Come on, you should go to bed." 

I followed him up the stairs, reticent and pensive. I crawled into my bed, not bothering to undress or to get under the covers.

Mykel laughed and shook his head began to take off my shoes. "Come on, let's get you undressed. You don't want to sleep in your clothes."

Once down to my boxers he pulled the blanket over me. I grabbed his wrist as he stood and he looked at me curiously.

"Stay?" He looked at me and nodded slowly before getting in the bed beside me.

"I'm sorry," he said suddenly, "if I've scared you. I didn't mean to scare you or anything..."

I shook my head. "You didn't. It...it wasn't you that scared me, Mykel," I whispered slowly.

He nodded wanting to ask but unsure. I knew that it was time. If I were going to take Liz on her offer, I had to know. They had to know. Mykel had to know. I took a deep breath in hopes that the inebriation would help me through this upcoming dialogue.

"Can I ask then what did? Can I ask why you've been avoiding me now?"

I sighed. "I'm scared, Mykel."

"Of what?" he questioned gently, placing his fingertips over mine.

I chuckled, stodgy and weathered. "Of everything."

"Give me a specific."

"You...I've never met anyone like you before. You're..." I sighed. "I've never had anyone. No one has ever loved me. No one was ever really kind. And...I'm scared that now that I've found...I'm scared I'm going to lose everything I'm trying to gain."

"What's that?" His wheat field eyes looked into my soul and for a moment I could not speak.

"What if I tell you about me...about my past...and you don't want me anymore. What if you realize how f****d up I really am and realize that I'm not worth the trouble? Wh-what if Liz and you can't look at me the same if you find out? What if you hate me? 

"What if what they say is true?"

He frowned. "What who says is true, Mattie?"

"They always whisper to me. What they always told me. I'm nothing. I'm worthless. I'm not good enough to be loved by anyone. Why would anyone love me anyway?"

I looked down not wanting to see pity in his eyes.

"Why wouldn't you be good enough to be loved, mon bonheur?"

His voice was so soft, his touch so exalting it made my chest ache.

"Wh-who could ever love a w***e? A beaten, broken nothing whose only worth is what someone will pay." I laughed again, tears in my eyes. "Sometimes they didn't even pay. They just held me down and used me."

"When was this?" He asked gently, his thumb languidly running over the back of my hand. I watched his thumb travel back and forth, ruminating the feeling of his warmth.

"When I ran away from my parents. I was tired of being beaten. Every day, Mykel..." I sat up then, my knees resting up against his rib cage. He wrapped his arm around my leg, the simple touch revivifying.

"I was sixteen. They'd beaten me and left me unconscious on the living room floor. When I came to they weren't home. So I took that opportunity and ran." I wiped my eyes. "I was hungry. Eventually, I came to the city and was eating out of dumpsters. The first...kinda just happened, you know? I...there was a businessman...a rich man...I asked him for some money for food...he propositioned me to give him a b*****b. I did. He gave me a hundred bucks."

I couldn't look at him, shame filling every molecule that consisted of my entire make-up.

I wiped at my eyes. "Don't you see? I'm nothing."

"Mon bonheur, I don't care about your past. You did what you had to do to survive. I'd never think less of you for it. You were just a kid."

I sniffled. "What does that mean?" I looked at him then.

He smiled slightly and shyly looked away. "It means 'my happiness'."

"How do you know?"

"Know what?" he asked me. His eyes were dark in the dim room. But I saw his expression change quickly.

"That I'm your happiness?"

"Because...the first time I saw you I...felt my heart start to beat again. Just being near you makes me happy. For the first time in a long time, I could really smile."

"Tell me about Kaiden."

His eyes clouded with pain at that name and he looked away. There was so much written on his face, so much heartache, that I regretted the inquiry immediately.

He laid back on his back, resigned. He knew it was only fair. We both have to give to get.

"Kaiden...he's...dead. He's dead because of me." His voice was low and monotone. He did not look at me as he spoke. He closed his eyes against the world, against me. He did not want to talk about it, I could tell. I sat quiet, studying him, the rigidness of his body, the clenching of his fists.

"He's dead because I wasn't strong enough to protect him. He's dead because of me."

He opened his eyes then and looked at me, pain reflecting back at me as he gave me access to the turmoil in his heart.

"We had gotten into an argument after, uh, after he'd come out to his dad. Things got pretty heated and I walked out. I mean, I wasn't leaving him, I just needed some air. I was only gone for about an hour. 

"Went for a walk, you know, to calm down...but...by the time I got home he, uh, he was gone." He stopped speaking, his face scrunching, his eyes squeezed shut.

"I'm sorry, Mattie, I can't..." He was up and out of the room before I had a chance to fully process what happened. 

I gave chase after him but I only found Liz. She was standing in the kitchen unable to sleep, looking perplexed.

The back door was standing wide open, swinging slightly on its hinges from the force of being thrown open.

"What happened?" she asked me. Confusion marked her voice, a frown marring her brow.

"We were talking. I...asked about Kaiden."

I heard her sigh and she looked out the back door where Mykel had run.

"It's still a difficult subject for him. He still can't even really remember the good times without breaking down." She looked back toward the door.

"Should we go after him?" I asked her, feeling wretched for having even asked about this late lover that still held Mykel's heart. And that was another thing.

Am I just a replacement? A stepping stone to healing from a broken heart?

She shook her head. "No. Not yet. Come outside with me. I'll tell you about Kaiden." She grabbed her coffee and the box that had been left on the kitchen table and walked outside, not bothering to check if I was trailing her. She already knew.