Further Foolishness

Ch. 15 - The White House from Without In

Being Extracts from the Diary of a President of the United

States.

MONDAY. Rose early. Swept out the White House. Cooked

breakfast. Prayers. Sat in the garden reading my book

on Congressional Government. What a wonderful thing it

is! Why doesn't Congress live up to it? Certainly a lovely

morning. Sat for some time thinking how beautiful the

world is. I defy anyone to make a better. Afterwards

determined to utter this defiance publicly and fearlessly.

Shall put in list of fearless defiances for July speeches.

Shall probably use it in Oklahoma.

9.30 a.m. Bad news. British ship _Torpid_ torpedoed by

a torpedo. Tense atmosphere all over Washington. Retreated

instantly to the pigeon-house and shut the door. I must

_think_. At all costs. And no one shall hurry me.

10 a.m. Have thought. Came out of pigeon-house. It is

all right. I wonder I didn't think of it sooner. The

point is perfectly simple. If Admiral Tirpitz torpedoed

the _Torpid_ with a torpedo, Where's the torpedo Admiral

Tirpitz torped? In other words, how do they know it's a

torpedo? The idea seems absolutely overwhelming. Wrote

notes at once to England and to Germany.

11 a.m. Gave out my idea to the Ass Press. Tense feeling

at Washington vanished instantly and utterly. Feeling

now loose. In fact everything splendid. Money became

easy at once. Marks rose. Exports jumped. Gold reserve

swelled.

3 p.m. Slightly bad news. Appears there is trouble in

the Island of Piccolo Domingo. Looked it up on map. Is

one of the smaller West Indies. We don't own it. I imagine

Roosevelt must have overlooked it. An American has been

in trouble there: was refused a drink after closing time

and burnt down saloon. Is now in jail. Shall send at once

our latest battleship--the _Woodrow_--new design, both

ends alike, escorted by double-ended coal barges the

_Wilson_, the _President_, the _Professor_ and the

_Thinker_. Shall take firm stand on American rights.

Piccolo Domingo must either surrender the American alive,

or give him to us dead.

TUESDAY. A lovely day. Rose early. Put flowers in all

the vases. Laid a wreath of early japonica beside my

egg-cup on the breakfast table. Cabinet to morning prayers

and breakfast. Prayed for better guidance.

9 a.m. Trouble, bad trouble. First of all Roosevelt has

an interview in the morning papers in which he asks why

I don't treat Germany as I treat Piccolo Domingo. Now,

what a fool question! Can't he _see_ why? Roosevelt never

could see reason. Bryan also has an interview: wants to

know why I don't treat Piccolo Domingo as I treat Germany?

Doesn't he _know_ why?

Result: strained feeling in Washington. Morning mail bad.

10 a.m. British Admiralty communication. To the pigeon-house

at once. They offer to send piece of torpedo, fragment

of ship and selected portions of dead American citizens.

Have come out of pigeon-house. Have cabled back: How do

they know it is a torpedo, how do they know it is a

fragment, how do they know he was an American who said

he was dead?

My answer has helped. Feeling in Washington easier at

once. General buoyancy. Loans and discounts doubled.

As I expected--a note from Germany. Chancellor very

explicit. Says not only did they not torpedo the _Torpid_,

but that on the day (whenever it was) that the steamer

was torpedoed they had no submarines at sea, no torpedoes

in their submarines, and nothing really explosive in

their torpedoes. Offers, very kindly, to fill in the date

of sworn statement as soon as we furnish accurate date

of incident. Adds that his own theory is that the _Torpid_

was sunk by somebody throwing rocks at it from the shore.

Wish, somehow, that he had not added this argument.

More bad news: Further trouble in Mexico. Appears General

Villa is not dead. He has again crossed the border, shot

up a saloon and retreated to the mountains of

Huahuapaxtapetl. Have issued instructions to have the

place looked up on the map and send the whole army to

it, but without in any way violating the neutrality of

Mexico.

Late cables from England. Two more ships torpedoed.

American passenger lost. Name of Roosevelt. Christian

name not Theodore but William. Cabled expression of

regret.

WEDNESDAY. Rose sad at heart. Did not work in garden.

Tried to weed a little grass along the paths but simply

couldn't. This is a cruel job. How was it that Roosevelt

grew stout on it? His nature must be different from mine.

What a miserable nature he must have.

Received delegations. From Kansas, on the prospect of

the corn crop: they said the number of hogs in Kansas

will double. Congratulated them. From Idaho, on the

blight on the root crop: they say there will soon not be

a hog left in Idaho. Expressed my sorrow. From Michigan,

beet sugar growers urging a higher percentage of sugar

in beets. Took firm stand: said I stand where I stood

and I stood where I stand. They went away dazzled,

delighted.

Mail and telegrams. British Admiralty. _Torpid_ Incident.

Send further samples. Fragment of valise, parts of cow-hide

trunk (dead passenger's luggage) which, they say, could

not have been made except in Nevada.

Cabled that the incident is closed and that I stand where

I stood and that I am what I am. Situation in Washington

relieved at once. General feeling that I shall not make

war.

Second Cable from England. The Two New Cases. Claim both

ships torpedoed. Offer proofs. Situation very grave.

Feeling in Washington very tense. Roosevelt out with a

signed statement, _What will the President Do?_ Surely

he knows what I will do.

Cables from Germany. Chancellor now positive as to

_Torpid_. Sworn evidence that she was sunk by some one

throwing a rock. Sample of rock to follow. Communication

also from Germany regarding the New Cases. Draws attention

to fact that all of the crews who were not drowned were

saved. An important point. Assures this government that

everything ascertainable will be ascertained, but that

pending juridical verification any imperial exemplification

must be held categorically allegorical. How well these

Germans write!

THURSDAY. A dull morning. Up early and read Congressional

Government. Breakfast. Prayers. We prayed for the United

States, for the citizens, for the Congress (both houses,

especially the Senate), and for the Cabinet. Is there

any one else?

Trouble. Accident to naval flotilla _en route_ to Piccolo

Domingo. The new battleship the _Woodrow_ has broken

down. Fault in structure. Tried to go with both ends

first. Appeared impossible. Went sideways a little and

is sinking. Wireless from the barges the _Wilson_, the

_Thinker_ and others. They are standing by. They wire

that they will continue to stand by. Why on earth do they

do that? Shall cable them to act.

Feeling in Washington gloomy.

FRIDAY. Rose early and tried to sweep out the White House.

Had little heart for it. The dust gathers in the corners.

How did Roosevelt manage to keep it so clean? An idea!

I must get a vacuum cleaner! But where can I get a vacuum?

Took my head in my hands and thought: problem solved.

Can get the vacuum all right.

Good news. Villa dead again. Feeling in Washington

relieved.

Trouble. Ship torpedoed. News just came from the French

Government. Full-rigged ship, the _Ping-Yan_, sailing

out of Ping Pong, French Cochin China, and cleared for

Hoo-Ra, Indo-Arabia. No American citizens on board, but

one American citizen with ticket left behind on wharf at

Ping Pong. Claims damages. Complicated case. Feeling in

Washington much disturbed. Sterling exchange fell and

wouldn't get up. French Admiralty urge treaty of 1778.

German Chancellor admits torpedoing ship but denies that

it was full-rigged. Captain of submarine drew picture of

ship as it sank. His picture unlike any known ship of

French navy.

SATURDAY. A day of trouble. Villa came to life and crossed

the border. Our army looking for him in Mexico: inquiry

by wire, are they authorised to come back? General Carranza

asks leave to invade Canada. Piccolo Domingo expedition

has failed. The _Woodrow_ is still sinking. The President

and the _Thinker_ cable that they are still standing by

and will continue to stand where they have stood. British

Admiralty sending shipload of fragments. German Admiralty

sending shipload of affidavits. Feeling in Washington

depressed to the lowest depths. Sterling sinking. Marks

falling. Exports dwindling.

An idea: Is this job worth while? I wonder if Billy Sunday

would take it?

Spent the evening watering the crocuses. Whoever is here

a year from now is welcome to them. They tell me that

Hughes hates crocuses. Watered them very carefully.

SUNDAY. Good news! Just heard from Princeton University.

I am to come back, and everything will be forgiven and

forgotten.