365 Days Without Her

Chapter 1. "Day One"

The constant ticking of the clock had my nerves on edge. I wasn't use to a quiet, empty house. I remember the days she would blast the radio and the music would leak out into the neighborhood as I opened the front door. Her smiling face as I came home from work. Her eyes would light up as she talked my ear off about her day, they were a bright hazel color, only warmth filled them.

Her bright blonde hair fell in curls and when she would ramble and get excited about her own story, the curls would fall in front of her face.

I looked around and felt empty, the house felt so much warmer when she was here. It felt like an actual home. My mind buzzed as the reality slowly began to dissolve into my thoughts. She would never be coming home again. That one sentence rang, like a bell that continued to vibrate noise.

I leaned heavily forward with my face in my hands, my wedding ring felt cold against my skin. My headache from crying the past week, had begun to catch up with me. I felt so many emotions that I couldn't pinpoint them all. I shakily ran a hand through my tousled hair and the familiar burn behind my eyes became to much as tears slowly fell.

My phone vibrated with messages, most were apologetic for my lost and others assured me things would get better. Nothing could get better, at least that's how I felt for the past week. When I had numbly made it back to my house earlier, I had made it a point to flip each picture of her bright and smiling face, faced down onto the surface it rested on.

I couldn't stand to see her happy face right now, knowing how I had failed her. How could I have not known? There must have been signs.

I closed my moist eyes and flashbacks of finding her in the bath tub made me stand straight up. I trembled and quickly made my way into the kitchen. I opened one of the cabinets and began to toss food containers and packages to the ground, until I had found the item I had been searching for. I reached out and my left hand grazed the bottle, my ring made a small 'clank' against the glass. My glossy eyes looked at the golden band and I remembered my small promise to her.

Her small hand held mine with such passion, her eyes held me down where I stood. "Please don't drink"

We held a mutual agreement to only drink for certain occasions, she had an ex-boyfriend who use to be abusive when he would drink. I reached my hand back out of the cabinet and let a frustrated grunt come out. I slid down the side of the counter and stared emptily at the wall.

It wasn't healthy but I closed my eyes and pretended she was still here. She would be back soon and everything would go back to the way it was. The house would smell like her sweets that she loved to make, her voice would carry against the wall and her warm touch would be on my skin again. But when I opened my eyes, there was only silence and loneliness left to greet me. The damn clock in the living room began to start back up with it's loud ticks. I felt like I was losing my mind.

I didn't know what to do for the first time in my life. I had always been a man with a plan. Two steps ahead of everything I did, but now I didn't even know what I was living for.

As that thought rushed through my mind. I decided it would be better if I were in the company of some people, I didn't want to be left alone. I slowly gained the strength to stand back up and grabbed my grey jacket, I slipped it on and made my way out the door.

I grabbed my phone and pressed a number on speed dial. "Hello?"

"Hey Daryl, sorry to bother you, I know it's a bit late" I clutched the phone and bit my bottom lip, regret instantly filling my chest.

"Of course not man! What did ya need?"

I walked down the road, without a destination in mind. " I was heading downtown to clear my head and wondered if you wanted to meet up or something"

There was shuffling on the other end and I heard him mumble a small goodbye then a click. "Yeah! I'm heading out the door right now, you wanna head to our usual spot?"

I let a small smile out as I noticed the grungy small diner coming into view.

"You read my mind"

Daryl had been a good friend of mine throughout high school and even in the beginning of college. He had dropped out once he and his wife found out they were expecting. Even when he was drowning in work, he always made time for me, especially this past week. He had been blowing up my phone but I hadn't returned any calls, until right now.

I walked into the restaurant and made my way to the back where we usually always sat. The waitress came over with a small sad smile. "It's great to see you hun, how is everything?"

Most of the town had heard about my wife. This was a tight community, that still didn't mean I wanted sympathy or for people to bring it up.

I stared up at her "Fine" I left it short and held a tone that basically got the message across that I didn't want the topic to be brought up. She gingerly walked away and I saw Daryl's figure come through the entrance.

He spotted me and he acted as if everything was normal, which I was a little grateful for.

"Hey James, you want a late night snack or something?"

He rubbed his hands together and sat across from me, he quickly ordered a coffee from a passing by waitress and his eyes returned to mine.

"Something like that" I mumbled. I played with the edge of the table as my exhaustion kicked in.

"You didn't drag me out here for a cup of joe.." He trailed off and thanked the waitress as she delivered our caffeinated drink. His voice went softer and he kept his eyes roaming across the diner "How are you holding up?"

I hadn't talked to anyone since the funeral and sure as hell haven't opened up to anyone about how I was feeling. But what did they expect? That I would just be fine after my wife's passing?

I grabbed the warm cup and held eye contact with my reflection within the liquid. "I just can't be in that house right now" My voice was rough and raspy, as if I hadn't used it in a while.

Daryl stayed silent for a moment. "I don't know what I would do If Amy passed away tomorrow. I don't know how I would continue to live, to go through everyday, knowing that she never was coming back. But I suppose that's life, it gives and it takes."

I held onto his words and found little comfort in his statement. But I didn't think it was trying to bring comfort, I think he was trying to wrap his head around my current life. How could someone understand my pain if they weren't living through it, if they hadn't ever experienced it. He wasn't like everyone else who told me that everything would be okay. He knew that he had no right to say that to me.

"I..I don't know what I should be feeling right now." I finally looked up at my best friend and could feel a migraine forming and my eyes tearing up. "I feel lost.. I feel as if everything I lived for..everything I worked for and loved.. is gone. I don't know what I should be doing next. I don't have a plan, I don't have..anything. I'm just here. Breathing and taking up space, walking without a purpose"

I drank the scolding coffee and his eyes held pity, so I returned my gaze back down at my drink.

He pushed his drink to the side. " Do you have anyone you could stay with? Because I don't think your in the mind set to be alone right now"