THE SPACE BETWEEN

CHAPTER TWO

CHAPTER TWO

Zhou Wei drags me through the campus like I'm an unwilling toddler - which, in this moment, I am. My limbs are loose as he guides me - or rather, directs me through the campus, and my brain is still trapped somewhere in the existential terror of what is happening to me.

The campus is a riot of activity - it's a Thursday, the day when everyone has somewhere to be and nowhere to go, save for the cafes surrounding the square, where people gather over overpriced coffee to engage in their morning rituals.

I can almost smell the coffee beans, roasted and bitter, the baguettes and croissants fresh from the baker, and the annoyed young faces of people who haven't quite woken up yet.

It's all very familiar to me, despite the circumstances.

The memories flood back in as I walk, anchoring me to this place. According to these memories, I have spent the past three years in this university, and I know the campus like the back of my hand. I know where the library is, where the cafes serve the best milk tea (not the one next to the main gate, despite popular belief), and where the shortest path leads through the garden, past numerous tea shops and flower stalls, but also the most people.

All of this useless information is suddenly irrelevant to me, because I don't know what is happening to me at all.

"You're weird today," Zhou Wei observes as we walk. She doesn't glance my way, absorbed in her phone as she texts with the skill of someone who has mastered the art of walking and texting at the same time.

"Just tired," I lied.

"You said you weren't feeling well this morning."

"Both could be true."

She finally looks up at me, her dark eyes narrowing in suspicion. "Is it about Lin? You need to stop stressing about him. He's just a guy. A guy who smells like the library and makes terrible jokes about himself, but still just a guy."

"A guy that I apparently have feelings for," I added bitterly. "According to these wonderfully informative memories."

Memories that apparently do not include my actual feelings, because the thought of falling in love with him is an alien concept to me. There is a strange, detached sensation, as if I am witnessing it happen to someone else. An ache rises in my chest at the thought of him, the warmth spreading through my cheeks as I see him, and my heart fluttering excitedly. It all feels right somehow, as if it is supposed to be that way, but none of it truly belongs to me.

"It's just a phase," I muttered, almost to myself. "I'll grow out of it eventually."

"Good," said Zhou Wei shortly. She glanced up at me, her expression oddly grim. "Because you're wasting a lot of time on him."

"I'm not wasting my time," I lied again. "I just didn't sleep well last night."

"You never sleep well." Zhou Wei shook her head. "Your anxiety is a bigger part of your life than it should be."

We walked into the cafe, the rich aroma of coffee greeting me along with the smell of bread and something vaguely alcoholic that made my mouth water. It was crowded, as expected, the usual morning crowd filling the place with murmurs and rustling newspapers or cell phone screens.

I find myself staring at one particular figure by the window.

Lin Ancheng is sitting there, reading something on his phone with an unreadable expression on his face. The memories were not lying about him, because he looks nothing short of spectacular - all dark hair and pretty eyes, with a smile that seems to reach his soul. He wears a grey sweater in an effortlessly stylish manner, and overall appears to be a man who knows how to take up space in the world without trying.

Which is irritating, because I can feel the memories of falling in love with him burning in my skull, a foreign feeling that does not belong to me. A warmth that blooms in my chest at the sight of him, the way my heart seems to stop beating when he looks up and finds me. It's all incredibly intrusive, because I most definitely did not fall in love with this man.

"There he is," said Zhou Wei unnecessarily as she waved him over. "Come on."

Lin looks up as we approach, and his smile widens. It's another strange sensation to watch him be this happy to see us, because it implies that he cares about us, and in this particular context, it is not a good thing at all.

"Xu Lan! I thought you cancelled again," he said cheerfully as he waved us over.

"There's no way that this body cancelled you for the umpteenth time," I muttered, sliding into the seat across from him as instructed by Zhou Wei. As I do so, I find myself privy to his conversation as he talks with Zhou Wei, who begins recounting one of her endless anecdotes regarding her business class.

It's a blessing, really, because it gives me an excuse not to look at or talk to Lin.

Listening to him is not easy, because he seems to have a lot of passion for whatever he is talking about. He talks to Zhou Wei as if she is an equal, someone who he cares about and listens to - he is attentive to what she says, unlike most people I meet who seem to have a short attention span for things that do not involve their own lives.

There is a certain sadness to the realisation that comes with this awareness, because he has no idea that there is someone who looks up to him. Someone who thinks that he is the best thing that has ever happened to them, when in reality he thinks of them as a friend.

"There, there," said Zhou Wei, kicking me under the table. "Snap out of it."

"Sorry?" I said blankly.

"I was saying that you should take a sociology elective next semester. Lin recommended one to me, and it sounds interesting."

"It's good," said Lin readily. "The professor was actually engaging, unlike half of them who only know how to drone on and on at lectures."

We chatted about classes for a while, Lin telling us about his scholarship, which, according to my memory, is the reason why he is here in the first place. He explained it to Zhou Wei with an air of surprising enthusiasm, but I know that it is because, in his mind, it is an accomplishment that defines him. It is the reason why he is here, studying hard to get a degree from one of the best universities in the country and make his parents proud.

I don't know what it's like to make my parents proud.

"Everything alright, Xu Lan?" Lin asked suddenly, looking up from his phone. "You seem a bit off."

I have so many things to say to that, but nothing comes out.

"Yes, sorry," I said eventually, forcing a smile. "It's just that I didn't sleep well last night."

"Is everything alright?" he asked again, concerned. I was surprised he was paying attention to me, because I thought he was paying more attention to his friend.

"I'm fine!" I said cheerfully. "You know how it is."

"I see," he said simply, shrugging it off. He turned to Zhou Wei and began asking about some movie she recommended to him, and I watched him do so with a strange mix of emotions twisting in my chest.

I glanced at my phone, surprised to find that it was already 8:47 AM.

My next class does not start until 10, giving me an hour and thirteen minutes to sit here, drink this terrible coffee, and try not to freak out about my life.

I will make it through this, somehow. I will drink this bitter, burnt excuse for coffee, and I will sit here and pretend that nothing is wrong because I have no choice. When my class starts, I will take notes I do not need, and when it is over, I will go to my next class and do the same thing all over again.

All the while, my thoughts will be consumed with the terrible, terrible feeling that something is very, very wrong.

Lin was telling a story from his literature class when my phone rang.

I looked at it, uninterested, prepared to dismiss whatever notification it was, but the words on the screen made me freeze.

This is your mother. Your father and I are looking forward to dinner tonight. 7 PM. Don't be late.

The notification pops up, and then another one follows right after.

Also, please remember to be respectful to Lu Chenyao's family. This is an important night for business.

I stare at the notification for a very long time.

My mother (according to the memories, her name is Liu Mei, but I have never met her) is texting me, reminding me to be respectful, which means that I am not being respectful. It means this body has been misbehaving at dinners, because apparently this is a recurring problem with me.

I think about the way the CEO texts me in the morning, all stiff and formal, as if he is not used to conversing with people. He does it probably out of habit, because it is the way he learned to communicate with people who would not take him seriously, like an immature child who needed to be coddled. He treats me like he treats everyone else, not knowing that I would be able to hurt him so easily.

"Xu Lan? Are you alright?" Lin asks, looking genuinely concerned. "You're doing it again."

"What?" I blinked up at him, confused.

"Whatever it is, you need to stop doing that."

"What's wrong with me?" I asked, because really, that was all I wanted to know.

"Nothing," he said with a small smile. "You're just spaced out."

"Right," I said, because I did not want to talk about it.

"You need to eat something," he told me, leaning back. "You're getting weird when you're hungry."