Broken Barriers

Chapter One: The Night As It Was

I met him at a house party.

It’s not like I even wanted to go, but there was no way I would pass the opportunity for free alcohol and weed - two things I had been desperately craving since I packed for Calgary.

Being the new kid has such lame stereotypes attached to it; you’re the shy underling that no one really pays attention too, or you’re the obnoxious party girl that drives everyone insane. I was neither of those. Instead, I was the stone cold b***h, and people slowly received the vibe. I had respect from my peers, mainly because of my “no-bullshit” attitude. I was honest and direct, and I didn’t fall weak to anything. At least, not until that night.

Coming alone to a house party is shitty - but coming with your ‘invite’, only to have them ditch you for their boyfriend is beyond shitty. What the f**k was I going to do by myself, in a place filled with people I’ve never seen before, grinding and making out with each other?

The open bar was my only saving grace - alcohol galore, left and right. I figured I’d waste my hours drowning my boredom with hard liquor, while I wait for my ‘date’ to finish doing her boy-wonder. One vodka soda after another, my head pounded. It was as if the doors to all the shitty memories blasted open, forcing me to re-live moments I wanted to keep buried forever. What was the point of getting drunk if you don’t feel the pain vanishing for the fleeting moment?

After finishing my fourth soda, a rum and coke appeared in front of me. Not remembering if I ordered it, I looked up to the bartender to ask him where the f**k this came from - only to have him point to my left before I can get a single word out. As I looked to my left, I met eyes with the one person who would end up changing the entire course of my destiny.

A motor-bike ride, beer cans, m*******a, and a ‘one-night stand’ was all it took for both of us to get hooked. I don’t know whether it was the pot, or the absurd volume of alcohol both of us consumed that led us to do what we did, but what we both knew... was that we didn’t want to stop. He gave me the one thing that drugs or liquor couldn’t do - bliss.

Almost a year later, we kept f*****g each other without ever looking back. We don’t have to talk about anything... just us - his exact words. I didn’t mind; I know what I agreed to. We remained uninterested in each other’s personal lives, even though we shared our bodies every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Whether it way his place or mine, everything remained forgotten for the few hours we were together, and that was the closest thing to a relationship I ever wanted.

I got the pleasure, without the intimacy.

I don’t think he even knew my name - my full name at least. To Luca, I was YB. YB Kim. I was the new girl who had Calculus with him every other day, fourth block. To his friends, I was someone he studies with, and hung out with occasionally. I was the bad girl who knew her body in and out, and I played that role with pride and dignity. I was the promiscuous one; the ‘Wonder Woman’ of the bed.

It was all for show, but Luca need not know that. He probably doesn’t even give a s**t; it wasn’t what we agreed on. There were no emotions invested on our nights together, nor was there empathy. We never had hate-s*x, we just didn’t care for each other outside our shared nights.

“You’re leaving already?” I lifted my head of the ruffled pillow, as my eyes met Luca’s bare body in my dimly lit bedroom. Sweat dripped down his back as he ruffled his jet-black hair. He dressed himself as our eyes finally linked.

“Aren’t we done for tonight?” He barked at me with the same, mono-tone voice of his.

Holding the bedsheets up to my bare chest, I sat up, not breaking my contact with him. “I thought our agreement was s*x. This felt weak.” I was stone-cold; my eyes feigned confidence. It worked in my favour - it seemed as if his pride was bruised.

“You can’t be serious.”

An involuntary smirk parted my lips. “Scared to admit that you can’t f**k me anymore?”

A pause halted our thoughts for a moment. Luca fixed his gaze on me, while I remained unfazed. After that one moment, Luca tore his shirt off and crushed his lips onto my swollen ones, as we fell upon the bed once again. My fingers thread his hair as he moved his lips down to my bare collarbone.

Whenever Luca and I were together, I became the lustful character that made his knees weak. My body had a separate language from my mind, and I became the YB Kim that Luca fell in lust with. Whatever bullshit I fed Luca to make him stay another hour more worked; I wanted him to stay longer tonight. I never thought of doing that in the ten months we’ve been doing each other, but this one night was different. His movements changed, which caught me off-guard. Luca was gentle for a change - our s*x still lacked meaning, but it seemed as if he cared more than usual. From fast-paced aggression to succulent kisses, s*x didn’t seem like a workout that night. I wanted the moment to last just a little longer. I didn’t care if I was being selfish, but I needed it. Especially today.

His lips trailed down to my stomach, which propped my back to arc and my lungs to inhale with a sharp intensity. Both my hands gripped the bedsheet tightly as his mouth made its way back up my chest, and onto my own lips. With every passing moment going by, I suppressed my emotions with fake ecstasy. I never made my feelings clear to anybody, but whenever Luca and I became one for a night, my pain would disappear... almost as if it had never existed from the beginning. I wouldn’t think of what I meant to him, but I knew what he meant to me. He was my temporary pain reliever, but I would never tell him that. I couldn’t.

“I bet you couldn’t get enough of that.”

Pulling away from my body, Luca sat up next to me again; his hair messy as ever. I watched his body as he dressed himself for the second time. Even though Luca had a great body, he came across as fragile - easily hurt. It seemed as if he had scars hidden from his own past. I wouldn’t notice it in bed, but I couldn’t help but notice his vulnerability around me. It wasn’t like that initially; we treated s*x like a sport. However, after almost a year, and after exhausting inner competition amongst each other, he trusted me enough to bare his guard down - even though he didn’t notice.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

With that, he left. There I laid on my empty bed, feeling my pain reliever wear off quicker than it had before. I pulled the bedsheets over my bare chest, and up to my nose. Inhaling deeply, I closed my eyes, trying to fall asleep quickly. But, even with my eyes closed, the tears escaped through my lids, and down my cheeks. Today was that day. It has been one full year.

And I wasn’t ready to face it.