The Elusive Prince

Chapter 36: Memories Ingrained on Keys

Merideth

As soon as those words left Cassian's lips, he fidgeted in his seat, probably trying to dispel his nervousness, before looking at me with determination and hints of something else hidden behind his eyes. 

"You know...if you're really uncomfortable talking about it, we could just not talk about it." he shook his head in disapprovement and looked at me with more determination which now overpowered the hidden emotion behind his eyes.

"I...I want to. I feel like I owe you an explanation, after everything." I almost quipped back a reply for that but he was faster and stopped me, probably already knowing what I was going to say. Sighing I just waved him off in a sign of telling him that he could talk whenever he was ready, and he did.

"The piano has always been very important to me. It was one of the few things I learned to love for someone." he started and at the mention of another person in this narrative I straightened up. So I was right, it was connected to someone after all, but the question is who?

"This person...she...she liked playing instruments and listening to them so I decided to learn the piano for her. She always used to love it when we played together and it was one of the few things we bonded over. We were starkly different you see. She liked all the things I didn't and it was hard to even try to approach her because of it. But...when I learned that she could play and liked playing, I instantly learned it and well, it was painstaking having to learn it but it was worth it in the end because I was able to connect to her, one way or another." he narrated with a small smile gracing his lips and I couldn't help but raise my eyebrows at that. So it was a girl and it seems that this girl plays a very important role in his life.

"At first I started playing because of her but as the days pass by, I started to love it too. I wasn't just playing it because I wanted to get closer to her but started playing for myself too. At times, we usually just sit in front of the piano together and when I play her even a simple tune, she would be happy. Happy that I was trying to have something in common with her but I guess that's why it hurts so much, playing it now." he sighed and sagged a bit and looked at the clear blue sky with a strained smile. I turned my attention to him because I feel like, my questions about why he looked pained when he saw the piano would be answered soon. 

"And why is that?" I asked, urging him to continue and guiding him to what he can say. He looked at me and for a split second I saw something broken lying behind those beautiful eyes, something he was trying to hide so much but at the fit of the moment, it couldn't help but show itself.

"I don't know. Maybe because memories of her, with her, that I treasure so much are connected to the keys. You know it's funny because I told her I would always remember her through the keys and I made wonderful memories with her while playing but who knew that the reason that could make her happy would break me in the future?" he let out a tired laugh and paused for a while and I let him collect his thoughts.

"I think...since she was too deeply related to the piano and playing it, it made the happy memories with her painful whenever I saw it. If she sees me now, she probably won't be too happy that I stopped playing because of her. But can she really blame me? Because whenever I press the keys, moments I would rather forget come crashing back like feisty waves on the ocean onto me. She would probably slap me in the head, but she can't do that now anyway."

"If you don't mind me asking, where is this person?" I asked, but I didn't know why I asked. I feel like I already knew the answer but I felt like I needed to hear it from him.

"She's...she's out of my reach for now. And no matter how much I reach her, I never will, atleast not yet." he let out a very heavy sigh and looked back up. I didn't know what to say and I felt bad I even asked. It clearly brought up unwanted memories and I don't know how to feel seeing him like this.

"Umm...I'm sorry. For making you talk about this. It must be painful for you." I struggled to let that out but managed to in the end, ignoring the lump forming on my throat. He looked at me and gave me a tired smile.

"Hey...it's okay. I don't mind. Besides, it was nice having someone to talk to about it. Let's me let out emotions I usually suppress inside I guess."

There was silence after that and I didn't know how to continue. Clearly, he treasured this person, so much so that even seeing a reminder of her could break him. I wonder though, what happened to the girl and who was she in his life?

Silence reigned between the two of us as we let the wind sweep over us. The sun is fully up now and is lightly grazing the golden leaves of the trees making it even more prettier.

I wanted to talk, to tell him something, anything, but my tongue, as if tied, would not move. Clearly, I couldn't give him the "I'm sorry for your loss" because he clearly doesn't need pity from me. I can't just divert the topic too, that would be too disrespectful. I was stuck and I didn't like it.

As always, Cassian noticed my uncertainty again and it seems that he always does.

"Hey, are you okay? I'm sorry for dumping that on you. Don't worry I'm okay." he reassured me and feeling guilty I was about to say sorry but he must've caught on to that because he stopped me.

"Okay...we both should stop saying sorry to each other in every turn, don't you think? If you look into our past conversations, I noticed that we always say sorry. Don't you think that's ridiculous?" he chuckled and I can't help but be dumbfounded, not because I just realized that what he said was right but out of disbelief because right now it was as if he wasn't just about to cry earlier. His mood went into a complete 360 and I don't know whether to laugh in amusement or exasperation at that. Well if he wants to talk about something else I would be willing to ride with it, if it means we get out of this awkward atmosphere that surrounded us after that story.

"Well, if you think about it, it is. So---" I stopped myself before I could say it and of course he noticed because he chuckled.

"See there it is again. Look let's make a deal. The deal is, we shouldn't say sorry to each other unless absolutely necessary. We talked about a lot of stuff already and I think we're way past saying sorry for asking about sensitive stuff. Of course, if one of us feels insulted or hurt during said conversations, that is the only time we should say it, deal?" never taking a break until the end, he extended his hand on me for a handshake. I laughed a little when I saw him panting for speaking so fast and shook his hand.

"Deal." he took his hand back and smiled.

"So umm...do you want to talk about her more or is that too sensitive?"

"Hmmm...I don't really know. I guess not yet. As much as I want to talk to you about it...I'm just not that ready yet. Maybe someday?"

"Yeah sure. So...what do you want to talk about instead?" I asked and adjusted myself on the bench. He tilted his head in thought and brightened up suddenly. I should probably get used to his sudden mood changes because it seems as if he can switch emotions quick.

"Hmm how about we grab breakfast first? I don't know about you but, just coffee is not my idea of a breakfast." he smirked and my eyes suddenly widened at realization.

"Oh shoot! I completely forgot about eating. Hailey is not going to like this is she ever hears of this." muttering I turned around him.  "Listen, we don't speak of this incident okay?" I warned him and he laughed and put pretended to zip his mouth shut. Satisfied with that, I stood up and at the sudden reminder of breakfast, I felt the hunger kick in.

Releasing Night from where I tied him earlier and gave his mane a little stroke, I looked back to Cassian and gave him a look to hurry him up because I was starving. Now that my stomach was complaining, how could I even forget about eating?

("Maybe because you were pre-occupied with excitement of riding and grief for Cassian, Merideth." my subconscious supplied but I paid that no mind.)

"Do you want to walk back or ride Night?" I asked Cassian while giving Night, who whineyed, a stroke. Cassian seems to be thinking about it because he had this hands on his chin like he was in thought (well he was).

"Maybe walk back? It's not that far anyway and I think we shouldn't really let Night carry two people at once you know?" his hands never left his chin though and before I could answer him, he was talking again.

"Or you could ride Night while I walk beside you guys? That way you could still get in your ride and I get some extra exercise." he beamed at me and I just smiled at him because he was being considerate as always. It seems that no matter what he feels at the moment he still considers the feelings of those around him the most and I think that's why we have that sort of connection because I was the same, though that could also be why he proposed that deal. Who knows? Only he knows.

"Yeah sure, I'd like that." I smiled before mounting Night and prompting him to start walking.

"Lead the way." he chuckled and that was the last conversation we had before we exited the secret garden (for now) in the woods, leaving my awkwardness before we had talked behind and him leaving something far more important behind but carrying something much more valuable than what he left back.