Greedy Givers

CHAPTER 5

CHAPTER 5Kari settled into the comfy leather recliner and pushed back, so the chair would lift her feet. She looked forward to these counseling sessions because it was the only place she could speak her truth. The only place where, without fear of judgment and rejection, she could talk about her past and try to forgive herself for the things she had done. Dr. Nina Patel, a University of Pennsylvania Medical School–trained psychiatrist with a specialty in posttraumatic stress syndrome, was on retainer with the Department of Justice, and as part of the FBI’s Employee Assistance Program, Kari had started seeing her immediately after the shootout. She knew the routine—Dr. Patel would sit in a chair beside her desk and wait until Kari began.

“I’m still having trouble sleeping.”

“Kari, it’s only been five months.”

“Everett seems to have bounced back quickly. He seems to have been able to move on.”

“We both know that you had other issues to deal with related to the shootout that he didn’t have to work on.”

“I guess.”

“Have you given any more thought to talking to Kevin?”

“No. And I wish you would stop asking me about that.”

No matter how much the guilt about keeping the truth from her husband was eating away at Kari, she knew revealing her secret would mean jeopardizing her marriage, her career, and the career of her former partner, Everett Hildebrand.

“Your inability to move forward is related one hundred percent to you keeping this from your husband. I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t tell him, but I am telling you that you need to make peace with whatever you decide to do.”

“I’ve made that decision. I think it would be selfish to share the burden of the truth with him.” Kari lowered the foot rest and propelled herself from the chair. She began to pace the room. “He’d hate me. He would leave and take the kids with him.”

“He’d never hate you as much as you hate yourself.”

Kari paused for a beat and absorbed Nina’s words before she spoke again. She buried her head in her hands, but there were no tears. She had stopped crying about what she had done and was now almost numb with the shame.

“You did what you did because you are punishing yourself—punishing yourself for your success. Success you feel you don’t deserve.”

“I should never have taken on that case. It dug up issues from my past that I had buried deep inside me a long time ago.”

“The good thing is that you’re here now, and you’re dealing with them so you never have to worry about them again.”

Kari returned to the recliner, lowered herself into it, and, remaining on its edge, placed her hands on her knees. “No. I’ll never have to worry about cheating on Kevin ever again.” She hesitated before she spoke again. “I killed those desires.”

***

The calmness Kari had gotten from talking out her feelings at the counseling session floated away as soon as she arrived home. She was immediately overwhelmed by the needs of her family. Their twelve-year-old twins, Casey and Morgan, helped her remove her coat and then Kari placed her briefcase in the dining room, knowing that she might do some work later that evening if things settled down. They pestered her about what had happened at soccer practice that day, while her fourteen-year-old son complained that he was quite unhappy with what was planned for dinner that evening—meatloaf. Even their golden retriever, Auggie, bumped against her leg and nudged her hand with his nose, demanding her attention. Her husband was in the kitchen, putting together the last components of the meal.

“You guys haven’t eaten yet?” said Kari as she came up behind him and nuzzled his neck. He acknowledged her greeting with an air kiss but remained focused and didn’t look up for his task. “You didn’t have to wait for me to come home from work.”

“No problem. I’ve been waiting fifteen years for you to come home from work,” said Kevin.

Kari didn’t take the bait. She was doing the best she could to balance home and work responsibilities. Right after the shooting incident, she and Kevin had become closer than ever, but lately, things were a bit strained. He claimed that she was getting caught up in her work again. He had always thought she cared more about the FBI than she did her family. And the truth was she sometimes struggled to prove he was wrong.

She thought about mentioning she was opening an exciting new case but thought better of the idea. It was obvious that Kevin wasn’t in the mood to pretend he was the slightest bit interested in what happened at her work.

“What do you need me to do?” she asked.

He pointed to the veggies laid out on the counter and put her to work making a quick salad to accompany the meal he was preparing. She washed her hands and commenced her culinary assignment. When everything was ready, they called the kids to the table for dinner. Kari smiled as she lovingly gazed at her happy family. Carter caught her looking at him.

“Mom. Why are you looking at me like that?” He slouched back in his chair and raised both hands. “I didn’t do anything.”

“Don’t be so paranoid,” she laughed. “Can’t I just admire my three adorable kids and handsome husband?”

Carter’s eyes rolled skyward, while the others grinned.

It was a typical evening at the Wheeler-Jackson household.