No Holding Back
966 Words
BEATRICE
I stare at the rumpled note in my hand like it’s cursed.
Party at Xavier Reye's. Friday. You in?
It was slid into my locker between second and third period. I guess. There's no name, no details. But I don't need a signature to know exactly who it’s from. My heart hammers harder than it should. It's from him.
Xavier.
The same boy who toyed with me in the hallway. Who looks at me like I matter one minute and then walks past me like I don't exist the next. The same boy I can't stop thinking about no matter how much sense it doesn't make.
"Are you okay?" Stella's voice pulls me out of my thoughts.
I crumple the paper in my palm and shrug. "Yeah. Just a dumb note." Stella raises a brow but doesn't press. "Wanna come over after school? We could hit the thrift store near my place. Maybe pick something cute for the weekend?"
"The weekend?"
Stella's grin is wide. "Don’t play dumb. You're going to that party, aren't you?"
I chew my bottom lip. I really shouldn't. Everything inside me screams that it’s a bad idea. But the smallest flicker of hope, the one that hasn't died yet says maybe this time will be different. Maybe I can finally get a life and upgrade my social class.
"Okay," I say quietly. "Let's go."
---
That evening, the apartment is cold and empty, except for Teddy's muffled voice coming from his room. I move carefully through the hallway. Pete's jacket is tossed over the arm of the couch. He's here. I feel my stomach tighten.
"Bea," his voice floats from the kitchen. Too casual. Too drunk.
I stop. My fingers curl around the shopping bag holding the thrift store jeans and black crop top Stella helped me choose. I don't answer.
"You’ve been acting real tough lately," Pete says, emerging from the kitchen with a beer bottle in his hand. "It’s cute. Real cute."
I meet his gaze for half a second and look away. "I'm going to my room."
His laugh is low and slow. "You should smile more, you know. You'd be prettier."
I don't reply. When I get inside my room, I lock the door.
I don't cry. Not this time. Instead, I pull out the outfit Stella insisted I buy and lay it on my bed. My hands tremble, but something inside me is changing. I'm tired of being invisible. Tired of being prey to bullies.
At home, I can feel Pete's presence even when I don't see him. The way his footsteps slow when he passes my room. The way his eyes linger too long when Mom isn't paying attention, she's hardly even home anyway.
It’s in the comments he makes. The ones that seem harmless at first, until they aren't. "You're growing into a real woman, Bea," he says one morning over burnt toast and silence. "Bet the boys are starting to notice." I choke down bile and force a polite smile on my face. I shuffle Teddy out the door faster than usual. "What's with you, Bea?" He complains. "Have a great day in school," I whisper. Barely holding myself together.
I tell no one. Not even Stella who would do anything for me. It’s easier that way. It's Safer.
At school, I distract myself with Stella's laughter and the awkward promise of the party. We sit under the stairs during lunch, flipping through pictures of party outfits online. “I still think the crop top's perfect,” Stella says, nudging my shoulder. “It shows confidence." I huff, looking at it in doubt. “It will show my belly."
"But it’s cute. End of story."
I try to laugh, but my thoughts keep drifting to Pete. To the way he'd looked at me this morning. To the way Xavier had looked at me yesterday, like I'm some science experiment he can't decide whether to smash or study.
And still… I want to go to that party.
I want to feel like a normal girl for once. Maybe dance a little. Maybe smile and be happy for once. Maybe exist without feeling ashamed.
That night, I hear a knock on my door. I know it isn't Teddy. And Mom isn't home yet. The knock sounds again, harder this time, causing me to Jump
"I know you are in there, Beatrice. I'm going out,” Pete says through the wood. “You need anything?”
I don't answer.
“Didn't think so.” His footsteps fade down the hall.
I don't know why, but my breath won't slow until I hear the front door close.
I press my forehead against the wall. A part of me wants to scream. Another part just wants to disappear. But instead, I pick up the bag again and hold the crop top to my chest. Xavier's party is in two days. Something tells me it won't go as I hope. Something tells me it might change everything.
Saturday creeps in like a warning.
I stand in front of the mirror, running my hands down my sides, trying to convince myself I belong in the outfit Stella picked for me. The crop top still feels too revealing, the jeans too snug. My hair is curled softly around my shoulders, my lips tinted rose pink. I barely recognize the girl looking back.
I should feel confident. Instead, my stomach twists.
What if it doesn't end well for me?
The question keeps circling my thoughts, even as I tell myself it’s fine. Xavier invited me to his party. Okay, maybe not personally, but he wants me to come. That must be something, right?
I grip the edge of the bathroom sink, breathing slowly. I won't back down. Not tonight. Not again.
- Writer
