Unnamed

NINETEEN – it’s home for christmas perhaps

"Call us when ya reach there." Marcus gave Dylan a firm pat on his back and then turning toward me, he ruffled my hair, "Take care, kiddo, okay."

"Yes, Marcus." I said fixing my hair in place then I smiled at him.

"Well, you two should leave then," he said helping me on their private jet.

"Bye Marcus." I called when they closed the doors of the jet and Dylan led me toward the seats. While I sat and put on the seatbelt, he set our bags on one of the compartments overhead.

"Are you good?" He asked referring to my ankle.

"Yeah, thanks." I assured and he took the seat beside me.

"You can go back and sleep. I'd wake you up later, he told fixing his seatbelt. I stared out of the window and toward the lights on the iron fence. Marcus was still standing by his car and when he saw me watching me he raised his hand in a small wave that I returned half-enthusiastically.

When everyone heard that we'd be going to Arpa, they expected I would go crazy while dancing and screaming on top of my lungs. I thought I should do that too. I would have done that a few days back but today, I couldn't decide what I had to do. I was trying to keep up with their joy but I had exhausted my fake smiles and laughter now. I was really, really going to Arpa.

Sorting my emotions I decided that I was afraid that once I'd see home, I would not want to return. During my time in Perth, I had somewhat accepted that I was going to live here. When I would return from Arpa, I'd be back where I started. Same hopelessness, fear, anger would burn me up that I had learned to push back. But despite that all, a part of me wanted to have a glimpse of how my home worked without me. I wanted to see all those frames in the hallway in which smiling faces were only a lie. I wanted to see that kitchen without a mom. I wanted to touch and try everything I hated in my room. My backpack and my sketchpad and my bed-sheets and blankets, it all would be there and I would not get to keep any of it.

I closed my eyes leaning my against the window and felt it vibrate as the engines started. I thought it was only for a moment but when I opened my eyes again, I was on a bed. I might have fallen asleep, I thought as I got up. To my surprise, Dylan was sleeping on his stomach right beside me. Half of his face was pressed into the pillow while one of his hands was curled over his head and other fisted by his stomach. My eyes blatantly roamed from his silky mess of raven hair to a creaseless forehead. From the way he always frowned, I wondered how he did not have any wrinkles yet. Lucky man! Just looking at his thick eyebrows, the sharp slant of his eyes, eyelashes that were long but not enough to seem feminine, the straight slope of his nose, and his full lips that were parted slightly gave me a serious complex. How can a person look so flawless? And how could I be jealous of his looks when I knew he was probably drooling in his sleep?

Ha, not jealous anymore!

The night had led way to morning. From a small window on my right, I could see the light and clouds as we tore through it. Feeling thirsty, I decided to take a walk to the kitchen by myself instead of disturbing Dylan (when he'd rather have me ask him) or asking a crew member. Just as I was about to get up, his hand that was in front of his stomach shot out and banded around my wrist.

"Fay," I turned at the mention of my name. His eyes were still closed but I knew he was awake and not speaking in his sleep. "If I let you go today, will you promise that you'd stay out of trouble?"

I sucked in a sharp breath when his words sunk with its plain reality. "You'd let me go?" I hoped he would open his eyes so I could see if he was trying to play with me again.

"Isn't that what you want?" He questioned back. His fingers loosen around my wrist and they traveled down and slipped between my fingers.

"Yeah, want. That's what I want," I muttered to myself but in the silence of this room with hushed heartbeats, he would have heard it anyway.

God knows I would have given anything in this world to hear exactly those words before but now they frightened me. My dad was not there anymore. I'd probably end up in some foster family. What if they'd not be nice? Dylan did not understand; he was not giving me my life back. He was leaving me in an unfamiliar path without a GPS or a map. My life before him was something else. After him, it would be an entirely different story. I had no idea what would happen to me when he'd leave me on my front porch. Now when I was trying to warm up toward his friend, he decided that he did not need me anymore. Could not he have done it a little sooner? "But you said that we'd come back."

"Yeah, said. That's what I said," he mimicked.

"Open your eyes and say that you're going to let me go." I demanded, pulling back my hand from his touch. My life never was my choice anyway. If he thought that it was time to let me go then I could not have any problem. It was not like I had anything there.

Neither have you had anything here.

That was not the point. Point was that when I had nothing I could start with anything. Changes are part of the life. Some come sooner, some come later and some come when you don't want them. My change fell into the latter category. Instead of backing out, it was better for me to embrace it and be with it. I did not need dad; I did not need Dylan or anyone. I had no idea what would I do but something had to be done and I hoped I would make the right choices. Before that, I just needed to know if he was being serious.

"I had only two options, Fay. First was to let you be on your own and second was to meddle. I chose to do the latter. That did not work so I am going to try the former one and hope that it won't make you sadder than I have made you," Then he opened it his eyes. The eyes where a storm was churning, struggling to be let free but he held it back and said so calmly that it thundered to the heaven gates and back in my heart. "Yes, Fay, I am letting you go."

---

"Aren't you happy?" He asked casually as he shifted into his seat.

I tore away my gaze from the window. As I recalled, I'd barely been in this part of the city. Yet the passing road and the cluster of unfamiliar faces seemed like I knew them all my life. Or, maybe it was the homey vibes and my heart was secretly trying to be happy.

"I am happy." At least, that's what I was trying to be. I should be happy, I told myself again. But that did not help the gaping hollowness in my chest. Every time I thought about my house, a strange ache in my heart would bring tears to my eyes. Truth was, however shocking it might sound, I did not want Dylan to leave me alone in that house. "You'd come with me, right?" Even if it was to leave me on the porch.

"Yeah, besides, I have something for you." The hand on his thighs shifted to his ear. Catching the redness in them, I turned toward the window and smiled faintly.

"Would you tell me now about it?"

"Maybe later."

After that nothing else was exchanged between us. The cab kept swiftly moving from the road I didn't know to the road I passed every time I left my house. The civilization started to disappear into an isolated road with a lot of trees and ocean running along with us. That was it. It was my home and now I was here. I should not feel this nervousness and fear. I should not be thinking about turning back. I had wanted this moment from all along, so there should not be any question of doubting myself. Arpa was my home, I should not be thinking of Lazurna. God, I had promised to never leave this place, I should not back out now. There was nothing to be afraid of.

I shook off the uncertainty from my thoughts as we turned into the lane where my home was. It all looked just like I left it. Not the trees, not the sky, not the weather. It was as if I had never left in the first place. It was still wearing its gloom in a poetic way. But I knew better. This outside appearance was just an illusion. I took a few deep breaths when I caught a glimpse of home without dad's car parked in its driveway. Dylan asked the driver to stop good feet away instead of directly in front of it.

Puzzled, I got out of the cab as he paid.

"Why we stopped here?" I questioned as soon as the cab drove off and he came to my side. He hiked his backpack on his one shoulder and my duffle bag on the other. Taking hold of my hand, he pulled me in the shadows of the trees. "Hey, what're you doing?" I shook our intertwined hands so that he would let me go. This was not the way we were supposed to go.

"Ssh," he silenced me by putting a finger on my lips. His eyes cautiously roamed around us.

"You're acting creepy." I pointed as I backed away a few steps from him. The cast on my ankle kept me from moving too fast.

"I am creepy," he said flashing me a sarcastic smile, "We can't go through the front door. We take the back door and hope no one sees us. Am I clear?"

"Not at all." I truthfully told him.

Expecting the same answer, he took a deep breath through his nose and exhaled through his mouth. "Look into my eyes when I say this-"

"Are you for real? You said I can go home but when it is just right there," I raised my finger in my house's direction, "you are telling all this... these weird stuff. If you're gonna leave me then do it right now." Before I beg you to not to leave me so soon. Before I ask you to give me some time to get used to the absence. Before I change my mind of returning here. Of course, those words were only for musing. I never said that out loud because a bigger part of me that did not want to be so scared and timid all time kept repeating that I could do it. I could unlock that door and step in and embrace all kind of emptiness and void and whatever... I had to remember that I had lived there for seventeen years. I could do it again even when I was going to be alone.

"Trust me, it is hard for me too. You are a hazard and I need to take precaution before we proceed. Now look into my eyes," Agitated, I did what he asked. The cobalt in his eyes sucked me in too soon and I watched fascinated as the color in them swirled with a darker shade making it look like a night sky. There was so much to see and so much left to discover and I could not take my eyes off them. "Fay," the name, I knew it from somewhere but where? It was just a whisper in the back of my mind. Maybe if he said that loudly, I would understand it. "Fay," That name again. I tried to sort out my thoughts so I could follow that voice. "We will go inside that house. You will take the things you need from your room. Then we'd leave. Do you understand?"

Yeah, I understood and I had this deepest urge to follow through what he had asked. Go inside. Take things. Leave. Yeah, I could do that but did I need to do it?

I blinked and something in my head cleared. "Hey, Dylan, why do I need to do that?"

"It didn't work, did it?" he asked with shock written all over his face.

"What did not work?" I asked back, probably more surprised than him. He caught my hands again and started leading me deeper into the woods.

To answer me, he stopped briefly and faced me, "Hypnotism. I was trying that on you."

"You know hypnotism? I always knew something was wrong with you." I could not keep the excitement of my voice. His eyes changing color, I knew it was not normal. Man, this was some serious X-Men stuff but, "Hey, you're not lying to me?"

"No," he stopped again but this time turning toward me, he twirled me around, "How come it never works on you? The real question is what is wrong with you?"

Did he just say that something was wrong with me? But before I chopped his head for that, "Have you used this "hypnotism" thing on me before?" How could he? God knew what he had made me do without me realizing it. That was so cruel of him. I was going to kick his ass for it.

"Yeah I did but that does not matter because it never worked on you." We paused behind the hedge that bordered the backyard of my house.

"There is nothing wrong with me." I slapped his chest with the back of my hand before leading him toward the blind spot. "You are the one who goes around kidnapping girls."

As expected he corrected me, "I am not a kidnapper, Fay."

"Oh, really? How stupid of me to say otherw-" the rest of my sentence cut off when the grip on my hand pulled me back. Dylan spun me around and pushed me back against the hedge.

Bewildered at the sudden change of our position, I gasped. His one arm was horizontally pressed against my chest while the other held my both hands above my head. As if that was not bad, the hedge was a really uncomfortable place to be restrained against.

"Don't forget that I still can take you back." However, that did not seem much like a warning when my I mentally whispered 'why don't you?'

Lifting my chin proudly, I challenged him with my eyes, "As if I'd let you."

There was a dangerous gleam in his eyes when he assessed me. The same look that said 'I know what you want to know' resurfaced on his flawless face as he posed, "Maybe not but has it ever stopped me?"

The dangerousness was not threatening, it was playful. Feeling confident and at ease with his light manner, I freed my hands from his and much to our amazement, I flipped our position so that he was the one who was trapped. It looked quite ridiculous from my view, to be honest. He was way too taller than me and he could easily overpower me but he let me have the upper hand by remaining still while his eyes roamed on my face with glee.

"I will stop you today." I poised, stepping closer to him while my hand on his chest pushed him back.

"And how I might ask."

He really should not have asked that. My life timing had always been a little... awry; always ruining the awesome moments I could have had. But today everything seemed to be how I needed it to be.

Feeling an unfamiliar smirk creeping on my face, I pushed him back. The blind spot that led inside the yard let loose and he stumbled inside. I was sure that he was going to fall into the pool and the thought stapled a grin on my face. But as his feet slipped on the edge, instead of falling, he flipped in mid-air and landing on the grass with both of our bags perfectly like a freaking Catwoman. How did he do that?

My smile dropped, his eyes narrowed.

"Ha, I almost forgot that I had a pool." I laughed nervously.

"Don't. Do. That. Again." He warned biting back his annoyance.

"Got it!" I raised my both thumbs in the air with a grin, slightly relieved that he let it slip so easily. He adjusted the bags on his shoulder before walking towards, I assume, the back of the house. As I saw my house up close, its familiar red brick wall called me like a siren. God, everything seemed like nothing changed. It was as if I was returning from a long vacation to the old comfort of the house. My fingers splayed over the chilled wall and my whole body vibrated with memories. I had missed it so much despite everything. The world left me but it was always here, my safe haven.

"Are you coming?" From the corner, his head popped out as he asked. I realized that I had been standing here too long, so with a last glance outside, I walked over him. My love for this house, however, could not trample the uneasiness and an unnamed dread. Then, I realized that I was not ready yet. I was not ready to go in there.

"Dylan!"

He halted at my abrupt shout and turned. Confusion and a little exasperation had chalked up his face. But when he saw my frightened expression, his face eased into a look of sympathy. He covered the distance between us in mere strides.

"Fay, we're here. You have always wanted it." Yeah, but I did not know that I would feel this much torn over one decision. I wanted this house but I wanted it as it was not-not... this. This silence, eeriness, the coldness is not my house. I could not feel the comfort but only loneliness more than before. He took both of my hands in a comforting grip. A sudden jolt in my chest made me look up into his eyes.

I'm here.

You'll leave.

"If you won't tell me, how would I know?" he questioned as he pulled me closer to him with a respectable distance still between us.

"I thought that I want to return home but the truth is I wanted how it is used to be before you took me away," I found myself confessing before I could have a second thought, "I am not blaming you- well, not anymore. I don't know why you kid-" his subtle glare made me correct myself before he did, "had taken me to Lazurna and why I am here. Maybe it's a phase," I mumbled the last part incoherently to myself. I stared down at our connected hands and untangled our fingers as they started blurring in my gaze. "Everything is so complicated. It is like I am standing in a ruin and I have no idea where to start from. Don't you think this all would have been easier if I know what is going on."

"Truth is not everyone's cup of tea." At least, he confessed that everyone was certainly hiding something from me.

"It just makes me naïve to reality," A naivety probably everyone wished for but I didn't. It just made me feel safe when I was in charge. "Shouldn't we go inside?" I asked when none of us was able to find words.

With a hesitant nod, he started leading me again as if it was his house. Something inside me refrained me from lingering my eyes too long on the pastel wallpapers, classy furniture, random frames that were left unattended. Climbing the grand staircase that led to my bedroom, I inched my head to the side to glance down in the living room. However, before I could, Dylan appeared in the line of sight successfully blocking the view.

"We need to hurry."

Despite the nagging institution that was telling me to look behind me, I let it slip my mind. The less I see, the better. The window at the end of the hallway was shut with a curtain covering it leaving little light into the corridor.

"I don't think anyone has come here," I spoke to myself examining the fallen stool. The day when dad and I got in a fight, I remembered it tipping over by my sudden weight. "When you came that night, was my dad alive?"

He was standing in front of my bedroom when I asked the question. "No. He died before I came." Despite his confident words, he oozed of nervousness. I couldn't help but notice how his fingers that hung on the doorknob kept fiddling.

Dad and I got in a fight and then I blacked out. Dylan kidnapped me after dad was dead. "If my dad were alive, you wouldn't have kidnapped me, right?" My question was making him uncomfortable. For the first time, I saw him twitch from nervousness and his passive façade was not in place.

"Right." His answer came late and hesitant.

"It means you kidnapped me 'cause my dad was dead. It doesn't make any sense." The warmth and easiness that had swelled inside me for him shrink to nil. I did not know this Dylan. He was back to being a guy from my class that I knew nothing about except that he was arrogant and a jerk. My eyes only had fear and his held the coldness from initial days. This was where we started and this was where it was going to end. "Who are you, Dylan Clifford?"

"Someone you'd not want to know about."

And he opened the door that led to nowhere.