The struggle

All the pages

I must be getting low on diesel again I thought to myself as I hit the dashboard with my palm, hoping to nudge the fuel gage into action. Praying that if there is a god out there, he will let me make it to payday on the fuel I have. I pulled up outside work, ‘all the pages’ book shop. I undone my seatbelt, pushed my head back into my headrest, closed my eyes and ran my fingers back over my forehead.

I took a deep breathe before walking into the shop and putting on my work face. Jules was already behind the counter, notebook in hand, writing our ‘to do list’ for the day. Jules was a fair boss, she expected hard work from her staff but wasn’t scared to get stuck into work herself. ‘Morning G, has little man not slept again? You look exhausted!’ She commented, my work face must not be working, I noted to myself. The lines of boss, employee, colleague and mother figure had been blurred between myself and Jules, she had really been there for me during those newborn days with little man. I didn’t get the chance to reply before she said ‘go make yourself a coffee, take your time, I can get started on the new books’

The shop was quiet all day, It made it harder to keep my eyes open. Jules kept us busy spring cleaning the shop. She had given me an extended lunch break which gave me the chance to write more of my essay. Ellie came in for her afternoon shift which made time go faster. Ellie and I have a lot in common, she reminds me of a younger version of myself. I’d taken her under my wing when she begun working here, Like me, she had a difficult relationship with her family so the three of us have become a work family.

I was cleaning the coffee machine at the back of the shop when I heard ‘mummyyyyy!!’ And felt little arms around my legs as I tried to turn around. ‘My mums not well and asked me to drop him back to you. We have been ringing you all day. Cya Wednesday mate’ he said to little man as he went to turn and leave. I picked up little man, ‘where are you going?’ I asked Jack, little man’s dad. ‘Erm, it’s none of your business but work’ he replied. I took a deep breathe as the discussion in my head took place about whether I should question why his work is more important than mine, if I should open the can of worms and question his parenting, why I feel I am doing this alone? As I exhaled I said ‘I’ll have to go speak to Jules about leaving early’, ‘well yeah, she has to, our child should take priority over a few books’ he snapped. I took another deep breathe, ‘I’ll see you Wednesday, say goodbye to daddy’ Jack leant over and kissed him on the cheek before turning and leaving the shop.

Jules walked over with one of the new children’s dinosaur books, ‘LB, check out this new book! Can I read it to you?’ ‘Yessss’ he squealed as he climbed onto her lap as she settled into an armchair. ‘The slow cookers been on all day in the staff room, go dish up yourself and LB a big bowl of stew, we will finish these books and then it will have cooled down enough, won’t it Little Man?’ She returned to making dinosaur sounds with little man as they read together. I walked to the staff room and tried to concentrate on the task. The stew smelt amazing and suddenly my belly grumbled as i realised I hadn’t eaten all day, a solitary tear rolled down my cheek as I chopped up the bigger chunks of veg in little man’s bowl. My eyes were sore, my back ached from our fold out bed and I’m sure every physical muscle hurt from lack of actual decent sleep. The physical aches were easier to concentrate on than the emotional ones, I felt like if I begun to think about it, the flood gates would open and I wouldn’t be able to control it and that can’t happen. I’m a mum; I have a little person who is relying on me, I have to be strong and hold it together for him. ‘Nooo Nooo NanNan said me have pizza’ Little man squeeked as Jules helped him up the table supported by cushions. I turned towards him and took a deep breathe, about to try and reason my way around this one when Jules answered ‘ I love pizza too LB but I’ve made a yummy stew and I need your help to eat it all up! Can you help me?’ ‘Yup!’ LB picked up a spoon and started digging in.

‘Stay at mine tonight Georgia, please?’ Jules pleaded, ‘I can help with LB and you can get a decent nights sleep in my bed, I’ll take the sofa’ I paused to think before responding, ‘it’s really tempting Jules, I appreciate it but it’s my day off tomorrow and we are going to have a lazy day at home, ill be fine tomorrow’ Jules sighed visibly, she knew arguing would be no use, she’s been offering the same thing for months. A part of me wished I wasn’t so stubborn and could accept the support but she already did enough, she cooked for us at least twice a week and she was always understanding when I was late or had to leave early, she never blinked at my extra long lunch breaks as I wrote my essays. I couldn’t ask for a better boss.

Little man fell asleep in the car on the way home, I carried him up the stairs to the flat and tucked him into bed before climbing in next to him. Sleep came easy for once, likely due to a full belly and another emotionally exhausting day.