Choices (Dear Jann Series 2)

Chapter 9: Winning and Losing

It was a successful night for June and our group. She was able to bring home the crown, and we are so proud of her achievement. We knew how hard she carefully prepared for it. It was all worth it as she came out successful. We went to her modest house for a little celebration of her remarkable success.

"Guys, thank you so much for coming tonight and for the support. I really appreciate you guys." June said as she gave each one of us an affectionate hug.

"You did great in the pageant, and you deserve the crown, girl." says Theresa.

"Yeah, and you guys slammed it in the talent portion. I was sincerely hoping you'll make fun of yourselves there, but it turned out great." says Ruby and everyone laughed.

We were talking more about the beauty competition and the other contestants. However, my conscious mind was wandering elsewhere. The pleasant words of Markus kept echoing inside my little head. I was really hoping he'd hate me, but it was the other way. He saw good traits in me. It made me gently smile that somehow, he sees the good side of me.

"So Jann, want to willingly share what's going on with you and Markus?" Jessa asked.

Sarcasm in her voice made everyone stop and looked my way. I carefully looked at her requesting her not to say more because I didn't know where I should properly start. However, she merely stared at me and challenged me to explain.

"Wait, who? Markus? The guy who walked us all home after Nia's debut?" asked June.

"Yes." Jessa answered plain and simple while carefully looking at me.

I didn't know what to say, so I just shrugged my shoulders as I was trying hard to come up with an explanation. Jessa could torture me with just her stare that particular moment. I hated it so much, but I was so guilty. Ruby came in excitedly.

"Markus is head over heels for Jann." she blurted it out and everyone gasped as if trying to digest what she just said.

"You know what. Markus keeps inquiring me all about Jann every single day. Sometimes, I hide, so he would stop bothering me but he has his means. We endlessly chat about Jann. Come on, girl. He really likes you. I think he's in love with you." Ruby added excitedly.

She said more, but I didn't understand anything she was telling them. Seems like everything went mute in my head and all I did was keenly watch their movements and possible reactions. Mostly on Jessa's reaction. How could Ruby be so insensitive? Everything seems to be moving in slow motion again, and all I could see was the exchange of glances between Jessa and me. I think I saw gentle sadness in her eyes as she was listening to Ruby. Damn, I hated it. I had been seeking ways to inform her about it and yet Ruby wasn't sensitive enough to blurt out the truth just like that.

"Oh my, looks like there would be another innocent victim." Marian joked about it.

I tried laughing about it but deep inside me, I wanted to cry. How could a joyous feeling suddenly change into a gloomy one in just a matter of hours? It isn't reasonable at all. That night, I found determination in Markus' words, and it actually made me happy. But that same night, I just knew everything would be so different between Jessa and me. I felt like I was losing my dearest friend.

*****

“Why did you do that?” I asked Ruby the following day.

We were just hanging out at June’s house that lazy Sunday morning. Not all the members of the group were there since some of them had their own activity on a Sunday. Luckily, Ruby was there so I could inquire her.

“Do what?” Ruby asked innocently.

“Telling everyone about Markus.” I invariably answered.

“Oh that. What about it? What is wrong with it? I just told them the truth. And besides, I am very excited for both of you. I don’t know but I feel butterflies inside my tummy when I see both of you together.” she explained excitedly.

“Yeah, Jann. You two looks good together.” seconded June with a sweet smile.

“You don’t understand.” I said and shook my head.

“What don’t we understand? That you two both like each other?” Theresa justly said.

“Get real, girl. It is so obvious that Markus likes you a lot and you on the other hand seems to like him too. You are kinda lost for words whenever he is around.” chuckled Ruby.

“Yeah, I noticed that too. It was like the first time that the great Jann was so conscious with whatever she was doing and saying.” Marian added and everyone laughed.

“You guys are crazy.” I merely answered.

“What are you so worried about?” June asked.

“She is fretting that finally Mr. Cupid struck her hard.” Marian said and everybody chuckled again.

“Silly.” it was the only thing I could state.

“Are you worried about Jessa?” Ruby asked.

Everyone stopped laughing merrily and slowly their smiles faded when I didn't answer. I just simply nodded and gave a shy smile to Ruby. I guess my silence answered their question.

“Silly, why are you worried about her?” Marian asked.

“Because Jessa likes Markus and the great Jann doesn’t want to hurt her if she finds out the truth about them.” Theresa answered.

“That’s silly. I am sure Jessa will not feel bad about it. It’s not like they are lovers or something.” June answered.

I wish I could answer the same thing. However, whenever I recall how Jessa looked at me last night, it sends shivers down my spine. I know she hated the idea and probably she hates me more for not telling her the truth.

“Don’t worry too much about Jessa, Jann. She is a good friend. I am sure she will understand, if in case Markus and you become more than just friends.” Ruby said.

“Huh? What made you think that Markus and I had something? And yes, I am worried about Jessa. It just doesn’t feel right. Besides, she already started avoiding me.” I said.

“Don’t you like Markus?”Ruby asked seriously.

Everyone else stopped again what they were doing and looked at me. I looked at each one of them, and I could see that they really wanted to see my response. I shrugged. Do I like him? I wasn’t sure. All I know is I feel so comfortable with him. There was always something about him that made me curious and wanted to know more about him. Probably wanting to explore things with him, have adventures with him. He was just simply making a mark inside my head.

*****

The following days were a mixture of bliss and tension in the group. As I anticipated, I noticed that Jessa was slowly drifting away from the group. She doesn’t spend much time with us just like before. And worst, I know and feel that she was intentionally avoiding me as much as she could. During breaktime, she spends more time with her other friends.

“Don’t feel so bad. She will come back to us soon. Just give her some time.” Marian said when she saw me looking at Jessa’s direction.

She was currently chatting and laughing with another group. And like she intended to be seen with them, they hung out close to where the group usually stays. We just stared in her direction. Nobody spoke much about it, but I know that it was affecting everyone in the group. It got worse when Jessa and Nia had an argument regarding a hat.

It was after classes and we were waiting for June in the library. She was working with our school librarian and that day, she was pretty late since they tried finishing some errands. Marian and I were outside the library waiting, when we undoubtedly heard shouting in the school hallway. The voices were so familiar so rushed off to investigate what was happening. We found Nia and Jessa arguing on top of their voices.

“Oh you think it's as simple as that?” shouted Nia to Jessa.

“I am being nice and properly returning the hat. What is wrong with that?” Jessa replied back.

“You are very inconsiderate. You must at least return it to my house!” says Nia.

“Hey what’s going on? Want to talk about it?” I asked both when we approached them.

“Mind your own business, Jann. You’re not even part of this!” Jessa yelled at me and walked out.

I was left speechless on what happened. Nia and Marian looked at me and couldn’t believe what just happened. I felt Marian’s hand on my back and that very moment, my tears rolled down my face. It felt terrible. I was so hurt.

“Come on, Jann. She was just angry. It was not about you.” Marian said as she tried consoling me.

“What were you guys arguing about anyway?” Marian asked Nia who was still looking so angry.

Nia didn’t answer. When June showed up, she pulled her away and they walked past us. What was happening to our group? Everyone was like drifting away from each other. It was worse than what I anticipated. I knew there was something more than just the hat that they were arguing. There had to be another reason why Nia and Jessa were fighting. I just wish I could comfort them both but I instantly felt like both of them drove me away. I felt so helpless and useless.

Before the week ends, Jessa is no longer hanging out with us. She finally decided to join her other friends. I know it made the other members of the group sad, but they did everything to ignore it. How could I do what they were doing? I still couldn’t believe she left us and thinking that it was because of me, made me feel more terrible.

“It’s not you, Jann. She will come around. You still have us.” says Ruby.

“Yeah, we are very open to accept her back. She needs some time to be on her own. I know she will come back to us before we graduate.” Theresa seconded.

“I don’t know guys. I just hate it. I just wished you guys didn’t introduce me to Markus. Probably, it will be different.” I stormed out of them.

I know I was so mean about it, but I simply couldn’t stop it. I really felt responsible for what happened to Jessa moving to another group of friends. And yes, I blame it to Ruby and Theresa, if I even have the right to blame them. I don’t know anymore. I was so confused and it was frustrating.

*****

“You look so sad again.” Markus said as he stared at me.

I looked at him and heaved a heavy sigh. We were inside our house. He didn’t miss a day going to my place since the day that he said he will take the risk of winning my heart. Just like any other night, he was there again to comfort me. I had to admit, he was a fresh air whenever I saw him. The pressure and tension from my group are gone whenever I am with him. I feel more relaxed.

“Sorry. I just couldn’t stop it.” I replied.

“Want to tell me what’s bothering you?” he asked.

“Why would you like to know?” I asked instead.

“I wanted to be part of your sadness and happiness. I wanted to know what makes you happy and sad. I wanted to know everything about you. I wanted to be part of your life.” he replied which made me chuckle.

“Sounds like you wanted to be my stalker. Should I report you to the authorities?” I joked and he chuckled as well.

“Anything you wanted, Jann. I will deal with it.” he simply replied.

I couldn't help but smile with his words. Simple words and yet it makes my heart flutter every time. It makes me happy just hearing him talk and smile. Those lovely smiles which were starting to be part of my everyday life. I hated admitting, but I guess I was starting to actually like him.

“Jessa left our group.” I said after a few moments of silence between the two of us.

He looked up at me and with furrowed brows. I forced a smile and bowed my head. My tears were slowly showing under my eyes, and I didn’t want him to see it.

“Was it because of me?” he asked.

“Why do you think it was always about you? You are really full of yourself.” I said and he chuckled.

“Sorry. It’s just that Ruby mentioned to me one time about it.” he explained.

“She did?”

“Yes.”

I never thought about it. How could Ruby not mention anything about it? I heaved another sigh and stared at him. I just love looking at his face. I wonder how he looked when he was sleeping. Those lips are so seductive I wanted to kiss. I wonder if he ever thought about kissing me too. I wanted to rest my head on his chest and hear his heartbeat. Will it beat and say my name like in the movies I watch?

“Don’t stare too much. It makes me want to kiss you.” he said and chuckled.