Choices (Dear Jann Series 2)

Chapter 6: The Letter

Call it weird but the message from Markus yesterday had some long term effect on me. I woke up the following day with a lighter feeling and a thought of him. I prepared going to school with happy music playing in my head. I guess I was starting to get weird too, or weirder.

At break time, me and my group went to our usual gathering place. Nia's birthday was slowly fading in the conversation since we started talking about our projects. We were brainstorming when Ruby tagged me and gently pulled me away from the group.

"What is it this time?" I asked.

I tried to keep my voice cool and not really expect much from her today. Although, deep inside my heart, I was actually hoping she would have a message from Markus again. I was looking forward to it.

She didn't answer me but she was beaming. Her smile was near chuckles of excitement as she reached something out of her skirt's pocket. She came out with a sealed envelope and handed it to me.

"What's this?" I asked.

"Obviously it's a letter." Ruby said with a wide smile as I looked at her confused.

"It's from Markus." she exclaimed excitedly.

I was honestly expecting a message from Markus, but not a letter. My jaw dropped open as I looked at her as she excitedly placed the letter on my hand. My heart started beating so fast and I could feel myself blushed. Why would he give me a letter? Questions are starting to pop into my head.

"Read it!" Ruby said, still very excited.

I looked at her and the letter again. For some reason, I looked back at our group, and I could see that Jessa was looking our way. Her eyes were questioning.

"No, Ruby. I can't open it here." I whispered.

"Why? Just read it." she said.

"I-I just can't." I said and I looked at Jessa.

She looked at me confused and followed where I glanced at. She gave me a nod to indicate that she understood. I smiled, and we went back to our group acting as if nothing just happened. Too much for hoping, Jessa was the first to ask me about it.

"What was that?" she asked.

I didn't know what to answer her. My head couldn't find a good reason to answer her question. I was struggling when Ruby answered for me.

"It was a letter from her secret admirer!" Ruby said giggling.

My eyes automatically landed on her with so much concern. I looked at her sternly to reprimand her from talking some more, but it simply didn't work. She obviously doesn't care. How could she be so blunt and straightforward?

"Who is it?" Jessa still inquired while looking from me and to Ruby.

The other members of our group also stopped and looked at us, as they waited for an answer. I simply shrugged and forced myself to act like it was not a big deal.

"Probably, just another hopeless admirer." I answered.

"That's why it's called secret. We don't know." Ruby added with a smile.

"Then who gave you the letter?" asked Jessa again.

"Some kids in our place. They stopped me a while back and gave it to me. They said to give it to Jann." Ruby answered.

Thank God Ruby was a fast thinker. Whether what she said was true or not, I was relieved because Jessa stopped asking. We all went back to our classrooms when the bell rang for our following subject.

I rushed inside my classroom and carefully placed Markus' letter inside my bag. I couldn't help but stare at it before I placed it. It only had my name outside the envelope. I inserted it in one of my books, visible enough for me to stare while classes were going on. I decided to read it at home, away from my friends’ scrutinizing gazes. I was not the type of person who keeps secrets from my friends, but this time, I felt like I needed to keep it to myself for a little longer. Again, it was mostly because of Jessa. I didn’t want her to think of me less because of Markus.

“Hey, Jann. Jann! Our teacher is calling you.” tagged my seatmate.

I looked at him and I saw that everyone started laughing. Damn! I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t hear a single thing that my teacher was asking me. I blushed and stood as all eyes were on me. I felt like being dipped in boiling water. My blood left my body.

“Sorry, Sir. What was the question again?” I asked nervously as everyone started laughing so loud.

“Ms. Alonzo, obviously you are lost in your own world. I wasn’t asking anything.” he said and proceeded with his lesson.

I sat down still confused on what was happening. I looked at my seatmate who was having a hard time controlling his laughter. My dagger stare at him, made him stop laughing and raised his hands in defeat.

“What happened?” I asked him.

“Silly. He was not asking anything. He just set you as an example because you were not listening.” he explained.

Damn, that was embarrassing. I looked at our teacher but he was no longer interested and just went about our lesson. That was not really a good thing. How could I be so lost in thought I didn’t hear him at all? It was not a good thing. Totally not a good thing for me.

Looks like Markus will become a distraction, however, my mind was full of curiosity as to what was the content of the letter. It felt like there was a driving force pulling me towards it. Urging me to open the letter. I did everything to ignore it and just concentrate in my classes. It was a struggle between forces inside of me. The suspense was slowly killing me. I felt like the hours of the day were too long. Until finally, it was time to go home.

I hurriedly packed my things and rushed to Jessa’s classroom. We waited for Marian and started walking out of the school. I knew I was making my steps a bit faster than usual. I simply wanted to be home so I can start opening the letter and read it. The letter had been keeping me jittery the whole day.

"What's with the rush, Jann?" asked Jessa.

"Huh? I am not." I lied.

"Yes, you are. You practically drag us out of our classrooms a while back." Marian seconded.

"No. I'm sorry. I just needed getting home early because my mom wants to talk to me." I lied again.

"What did you do this time?" Jessa asked with an eyebrow raised.

"Nothing. I don't know what she'll tell me." again, I lied.

Both heaved a sigh but continued walking anyway. I was just thankful they stopped asking me and went about chatting regarding their day's activity. I felt like it was taking forever for me to reach home. I needed to slow down so they won't suspect anything again. I felt a little guilty about it but I simply can't tell them the reason why I wanted to be home. Especially not Jessa.

"OMG, looks who's here?" Jessa said.

I was so lost in my own thinking I didn't know what she was talking about. They caught my attention when both of them shook me. I was surprised and looked where they were looking.

"It's Mr. Crush with a lady." Jessa said.

"Ouch! Heartbreak." Marian said and both laughed.

Damn! Affirmative, it was my crush with another lady. She looked younger. Probably his daughter. First, I saw his wife and now his daughter. Great, just great. I sighed when they passed by me. I followed both of them with my gaze.

"Are you okay?" Jessa asked smiling, teasingly.

"I am okay. Accepted!" I told them and they both laughed.

What is my right to be jealous anyway? He doesn't even know I existed. Besides, he looked like a happily married guy. I secretly wished I would meet someone like him soon. Someone like him. Why did my head go back to Markus' letter? My pleasurable excitement came back. I wanted so much to read the letter now.

Finally, I was home. I rushed to my room and changed my uniform into house clothes. I went out and did my chores. I wanted to keep myself busy for a while, so I can't think of the letter waiting for me inside my bag. But it felt the other way around. It was more like I wanted to finish all my necessary chores fast so I can go and read the letter. It felt funny. Whatever.

“You are home early today.” my mom said as I was doing the dishes.

“We have a lot of homework and projects. I just wanted to start with it so I could finish early.” I half - lied to her.

My mom just nodded and went about cooking dinner. I was just thankful she didn’t inquire more. I am not really open with my love life to them and have no plan to start with it. After I finished all my chores, I went to my room and started bringing out my books. I was ready to do some homework when the letter dropped on the floor. I picked it up and smiled. I almost forgot about it. I was too excited to go home to read it but forgot all about it because I was doing my chores.

I sat down on my bed and took a deep breath. I stared at the letter before carefully opening it. A little too careful not to rip off any part of the envelope. Silly me. It was a perfumed stationary paper and it started with "Dear Jann". My heart skipped and raced as I read the letter. I felt like time was frozen at the moment and it was taking me forever to comprehend every word in the letter.

I likely read the letter a hundred times before I put it down on my lap. I didn't know what to think and how I should react to it. There was a surge of mixed emotions, and I didn't know what I should feel first. I carefully folded back the letter and placed it aside. I went about doing my homework. And as expected, I solely couldn't concentrate with any of my lessons. My gaze keeps going back to the letter. I gave in and picked it up and for the nth time, read it once more.

Dear Jann,

How are you? I hope you're doing great while reading this. I just wanted to let you know you are special and was wondering if you could give me a chance to know you better.

Love always,

Markus

Nothing fancy about the words. I even find it very simple and almost meant nothing. But my dear heart says otherwise. It felt excited with every pleasant word scribbled on it. Why do I have that effect? Why am I so affected with it anyways? I've received letters before but I never felt this way. It can't be. There was no way I would allow us to get closer together. Why? 

First reason: Markus was younger than me. I never had any relationship with a guy younger my age. I don't think I can even handle a complex relationship like that. I was more on to matured and older guys. Most of my previous relationship was with guys older my age. I don't know how to handle it in case we become closer than a friend. Silly, I thought. Why am I even assuming that Markus and I would be more than just friends? Stop it. Failed.

Second reason: Our religions are different. As far as I know, they are not allowed to have any relationship with people, not members of their congregation. I don't comprehend why, but all their members follow that. If a person wanted to have a relationship or marry a member of their established congregation, he or she needed to efficiently convert first. I have my own faith, and I don't think I wanted to worry about anything to do with religion. Again, failed.

Third reason: I guess this may be the most substantial reason why Markus and I can't be more than just friends. Jessa likes him. I've known Jessa almost half my life. There is no way I could give her anything that she would hate me for. Especially not because of a guy. We both learned our lessons before and didn't want to repeat history. Again, failed.

Three strikes in a row. And just like any other sports, three strikes means you're out. So am I. I am out before it even started. I folded the letter and sealed it back in its envelope. I kept it in my treasure box where all other memorable things were kept. I completed my homework and headed up to bed.