Choices (Dear Jann Series 2)

Chapter 18: Faith

I was not really a very religious person, but I do have my faith. I had to candidly admit, I go to church because it was a school requirement. I wasn't that bad, I do respect my religion and faithfully follow their moral teachings the best I could. I grew up with Catholic teachings, and I intend to instill it to my future kids. I didn't know that religion was an issue when it comes to falling in love too.

I became aware of other religions when I typically started hanging out with Nia. To be honest, I never knew that other religions existed until then. I didn't have any issue about it. In fact, I liked their religion even if it has some practices and teaching which are totally different from Catholics. Sometimes I voluntarily joined them in their prayer meetings. Through that, I came to know many details about their religion, sometimes against my religion. But our friendship was stronger, it was never an issue to us. Until Markus came into my life.

"So, Jann, would you like to join us in our prayer meeting?" asked Edward with a broad smile.

I smiled back and carefully looked at Markus. He smiled back and patted my back. For some reason, there was something warning me that there is something coming. It actually sends shivers down my spine.

"I will just be outside. You will enjoy this." Markus said with so much love as he kissed me on my cheek.

"Ahhh, come on Markus. It's just a few minutes, and I will return her to you. And please, don't be too sweet in front of me. It makes me miss my love." Edward exclaimed joyfully and we all laughed.

Markus kissed me again before he left. We all comfortably settled in the living room. Kathy, Joy, and I were seated on the long couch while Edward was seated on the couch across us. He smiled and initiated the meeting with a prayer. Like I said, I am not really a very religious person, but I do have faith. I am not a person who devotes much attention to the conflicts of religion until the day I met Edward.

I listened attentively at what he was stating. I could clearly see we have so many beliefs and different interpretations of the bible. I respect it though since, like I said, I am no expert when it comes to religion.

"If you don't mind me asking, Jann. What is your religion?" Edward asked with a beaming smile.

"I am a Catholic." I answered with a wry smile.

And just like a cue, his smile slowly faded into the background. His eye roll didn't skip my eyes as he took a deep breath. I knew then something was coming.

"I see. So you're a Catholic. Hmmm does Markus know about this?" he asked. This time he looked a little pissed. I barely nodded as an answer.

"Very well. Kathy and Joy, we are done with our prayer meeting. You can go, but I wanted to sit with you Jann for a while." he promptly declared with an authoritative tone.

Kathy and Joy beamed and hastily went out of the room to go play. I was left with Edward not knowing how to initiate our conversation. I looked at him and smiled shyly. He probably saw how uncomfortable I was, so he started talking.

"Do you know any picture depicting Christ?" he asked.

My head was low on signal, I paused and considered his question. I nodded again because I couldn't find myself to answer.

"Do you know how the Catholics came about the picture of Christ?" he asked again.

"Yes." I merely answered.

"Oh so you knew. You know the story about Christ and Judas' pictures shown in your books and posters." he exclaimed a bit surprised with my straightforward answer.

"Yes, I know about it." I answered again.

"Can you tell me what you know?" he asked as his considerable excitement was escalating.

"Well, as far as I know, the person who depicted Christ was the same person who posed as Judas." I started narrating.

"As the story goes, the painter went all throughout the town searching for a person best suited to look like Christ. He came across a poor man who looked so kind and pure. He politely asked the poor man to pose for him and compensated him after their session." I paused thoughtfully and looked at him.

He barely nodded with a sarcastic smile painted on his lips. I actually started hating how he was making me feel uncomfortable with his fake smile. I absolutely wanted the conversation to conclude.

"Go on. I am listening." he said as he gestured for me to tell him more.

"A few days after, the painter wanted to depict a portrait of Judas and went about the town again. He was looking around for someone who would depict the image of Judas. He came across a guy who was so drunk and making havoc in the town. The guy looked scary and mad. The painter decided to use the drunk man to depict Judas." I paused and looked again at him. He just nodded.

"As it turned out, it was the same person who posed as Christ. The poor guy invariably spent the money that the painter gave in drinking and gambling until he was broke. He lost everything." I ended the story with a small smile.

"Great, you know the familiar story. So tell me, why do you worship these portraits, these paintings when you knew how they were made?" he inquired me with so much distaste.

"We don't worship those paintings. They only depict the characteristics of the person described, but it doesn't mean we worship them." I answered.

"So how do you explain the statues in your churches?The people who go there and pray to them?" I could sense anger in his voice as he was telling me those questions.

"That is their choice. The church condemns that practice, which by the way was taught by the Spaniards when we were colonized. We don't worship them." I said with a confident tone.

"It's nonsense. You always do that. Blame it to other people. Catholics worship statues and portraits and yet you still deny it!" he sounded more angry this time.

His tone hit a nerve in my system, and I felt my blood rise to my head. How dare him raise his voice on me.

"Worshiping statues, portraits or persons is called idolatry. We don't practice that!" I couldn't help my tone to rise as well. But it didn't wake him to his senses, it actually made him angrier.

"All lies. That is the problem with you. You are blinded by your practices." he said angrily.

"What?! Excuse me. Tell me, what was your religion when you were born? I bet you were a Catholic who was just converted. So don't act like you are the only religious person in this room, coz I don't give a damn!" I answered angrily and stood up.

"You don't know what you are talking about, lady." he retorted back to me.

"I guess I don't. But guess what. You are a joker of your own religion. How could you call yourself "Church of Christ", if you don't even believe in Christ? So ironic. Don't go preaching about my religion if you yourself can't even understand yours." I said angrily as I felt my face flushed with too much hatred.

"You clearly don't know what you are stating. You should come to our church and listen to our pastors. You will have better understanding and for sure clarity about what you are accusing me." he said as his tone was calmer now.

I walked toward the door. I didn't care anymore. He simply got into my nerves. Like I said, I am not a very religious person, but I have my faith too. I won't let anybody step on that faith. It was just too much for the day.

"You know, Markus could be kicked out of our church if he continues dating you." he said just before I could reach the door.

I promptly stopped, took a deep breath and turned around to confront him again. He was already standing too. His sarcastic smile was all gone.

"I know that. Tell it to Markus not me. I did not force myself to him." I sarcastically answered back.

"Oh so it looks like you don't really care then. I hope you are aware that he is a candidate for Youth Leadership." he simply answered, sounding more calm.

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"Oh it's nothing. It doesn't really concern you." his sarcastic smile was back.

"Then why bother telling me?" I answered and opened the door.

"If he doesn't get the position, then you can blame yourself for it." he said as I was about to get out of the room.

Did he just blame me for something I have no idea of? I properly looked at him with so much hatred.

"Get lost. I think you better review your faith." I said and walked out.

I could hear him still talking, but I did not understand anything he said. Tears were on my cheeks already, and my feet were dragging me away from the place. I didn't look back. I felt so violated, my heart felt so heavy. I couldn't stop the tears from falling. I just wanted to cry and cry until the pain and hatred in me would go away.

Everything just weighed in on me as I was walking away. I never felt so sad and angry at the same time. I had bad moments with other people before but I never felt so lonely and alone that very moment. Tears were just rushing out my eyes as I stepped away and away from Markus’ place. I wasn’t thinking clearly anymore.

Out of my rage, I didn’t even say goodbye nor thank you to Markus’ family. Feeling terrible as I could, I still felt bad I wasn’t able to thank them for their hospitality. I decided to do so some other time when my heart stops from feeling the rage from talking to Edward. He was simply infuriating. Damn, I just wanted to wipe off his face out of my memory and wished I never met him.

I was so deep in thought when I felt a hand gripped me by the elbow. I turned around just to find the sober face of Markus. He didn’t have to say anything, it was written all over his face. He was so sorry. I pulled my elbow back and started walking away. I simply didn’t have the heart to talk to him about anything. I felt him following me.

“Jann, please let’s talk.” he pleaded as he tried to catch up with me.

I suppressed my tears and wiped my face. I was still furious when I turned to confront him.

“Talk? You want to talk? What, you will trash me too just like what they did? Get lost Markus!” I said angrily and started walking again.

“Jann, please. I didn’t know that would happen. I swear.” he said as he tried touching me by the elbow. I pulled back.

“Don’t you dare touch me, Markus.” I said as I stopped to confront him again.

“Then talk to me, please.” he pleaded.

I looked at him with so much hate. I know he was not to blame, but I simply couldn’t help the hate I was feeling inside. I hated being mean to him, but I hated more the torturing feeling that I was having inside me.

“Let us be clear with things between us, Markus. I never, never forced myself to you. If you can’t accept me for who I am, for what is my belief, then it is your problem. If you can’t, then I guess this is over. We’re so over.” I said and walked away.

Few more steps, and I started to regret what I said. Did I just say we are over? Damn, it hurts so bad. I wished he would run after me and tell me that we will fix things together. But there was no Markus following behind me. I was afraid to look back and find him gone. I just continued walking away hoping and praying he comes running back to me. No, this can’t be the end of us.