We Broke Up

2 - Step 1

One of my favorite pastimes is reading. I read everything that caught my eye, no exceptions. In my current situation, one particular article that I read in passing came back to me. It was the article "8 Ways to Get Over a Breakup Fast" by Bethany Ramos of She Knows. I decided on a whim to follow the steps written there, not knowing if they would help me or not. I figured at that moment, after having years of my devotion and loyalty to Fred shattered, no mistake could be worse. 

Step 1: "Accept the empty feeling." 

I had to accept that I had been dumped. I had to recognize the fact and embrace the pain.

The girls and I spent the morning by the poolside. They thought I needed some fresh air in my lungs and some sun on my skin. The rooftop pool in my building was the fastest way to get that. After donning our swimsuits, which they all coincidentally packed in their overnight bags, we strutted to the elevator that took us two floors up to the rooftop.

Aside from the lifeguard s***h towel boy on duty, the place was pretty much isolated. I drew in a deep breath as a gentle breeze touched my skin. I hoped the palm trees and plants filtered the Metro Manila pollution as I did so and that a quick dip in the cool water might wash away some of these feelings.

But what feelings exactly?

Regret? I didn't think so. Because that day when I saw Fred drag his luggage out of the unit with all the stuff he left at my condo for when he visits, I was somewhat relieved. It was like being freed from my 7-year chains.

It had not always been that way though. Our love story started dreamy and romantic like everyone else's. We met when I was 12 and he was 16. He was my Kuya Nico's best friend. On the night before their graduation, they partied with the rest of their classmates and went home drunk. Fred's very strict parents would've killed him so my big brother took him to our house to spend the night while Tatay called his parents to say the boys fell asleep playing video games. Yeah right.

Anyway, I looked up to Fred as my other older brother and was surprised when he professed his love for me on my fourteenth birthday, saying he has set his eyes on me since the moment that we met. He was 18. My brother got mad and threw him out of the party. He didn't talk to him since but Fred became persistent and fought to win my heart, my brother's forgiveness and Tatay's approval.

For years, he consistently showed me his affection with gifts and by taking care of me. He treated me like precious porcelain and made me feel like a fairytale princess. I was young and impressionable. And who wouldn't fall in love with that? On the eve of my 16th birthday, I said I loved him too but my dad and brother were both against our relationship so we kept it a secret from them. He continued to send gifts to our home for Tatay and Kuya while he worked on gaining their trust.

He succeeded. On my 18th birthday, when it was my last dance which I shared with him, Tatay finally gave him his blessing to be my boyfriend and he and Kuya hugged like brothers again.

Everything seemed perfect until I woke up to a different Fred the next day. With my father and brother's approval backing him up, he took the reins to my life. He decided everything. The friends I hang out with, the clubs I joined, the classes I took. He said it was for us, for our future, that it was all part of the plan. I loved him so I believed him. I let him take over. I let him plan everything.

He was a very jealous man and that proved to be difficult for me but I still tried my best to accommodate his feelings. I loved him and he loved me and I figured that all relationships need work, someone needed to compromise. I did. We were both happy.

He proposed on my college graduation day, in front of the whole school, he tapped the influence he had on his Godfather who happened to be the university president. After the program, he went on stage with a string quartet and spoke to me. As Magna c*m Laude, I was seated in the front row. When his speech was done, he went down to where I was and knelt with the ring. I said "Yes".

And it was perfect until he got promoted to COO, got too busy with work and became even more possessive of me. He would visit me at my condo and start yelling because of trivial matters like an IG post he did not approve of or a furniture piece I did not consult him with to buy.

He rejected my requests to start my own business or get a job in our company and accused me of looking down on him, thinking that he wasn't enough for me. I didn't push that topic. I understood. His outbursts may have been a hangover from when dad and my brother were questioning him on his ability to take care of me. He loved me and he was dedicated to me.

I forgot about my own goals and dreams, Fred became my priority, my life, my universe and I was his world. He loved me. He would take care of me. Or so I thought.

One day, he started forgetting about our dates and anniversaries. He lost track of everything including his devotion to me because as I would learn later, on the day he would leave me that he had been having an affair with Monette, his secretary for over a year.

 I had no regrets. So what was I feeling?

Guilt? Maybe. I have been asking myself over the past week since he left, "What if?" What if I was more assertive in my role as his girlfriend? What if I treated him better? What if I gave in to his s****l advances furthering our steamy make out sessions instead of saving myself for our wedding night? What if? Could that have stopped him from shagging his secretary instead? Maybe? Would that make me happy? I don't know.

I was definitely feeling something though. Anger? Sadness? Pain?

"Naeve, come on." Denise called. All three bikini-clad women were already in the pool while I unwittingly pulled the robe I had on tighter.

Why did I let them make me wear this skimpy blue two-piece swimsuit?

Fred would never let me wear these. When we went swimming, I was only allowed to wear a modest one-piece bathing suit or a rash guard and short pair.

Did I wear this because I needed to liberate myself from his standards or did I wear this because I really wanted to? Maybe I wanted to.

I untied my robe and removed it with a deep breath, like finally stepping out of the shell I was in.

Yes. I was in a shell. A cold and lonely shell for over a year now. I have fallen out of love then but I got too obsessed with making it work.

I shivered as I stepped into the cold water but I walked further until my body was completely submerged. I swam a few laps before rolling over to my back and started floating freely, watching the clouds gather to hide the morning sun.

Then finally, I recognized the feeling.

I felt empty.

Not because I lost Fred but because I lost myself when I was with him and when he walked away, I had nothing. Not even myself.

There was this big gaping whole inside me and it was time to fill it up again. With Naveah Montefrio.