The Tears of Faith (Tagalog/Filipino)

Chapter 3 │ THE WHITE ROOM

I WOKE up feeling rather tired and exhausted. It was like one of those many nights when I fall asleep from a numbing pain. Then I realized there's no nightmare last night. Hindi na ulit ako nadadalaw ng bangungot na iyon sa nakalipas na mga araw.

I sighed gratefully before I sat up. I looked around, a bit apprehensive. But it wasn’t the dreaded white of my nightmare. Of my recent past. I was in my room... I was home. I came back. And I saw Alex again.

Nagsunod-sunod ang mga nangyari kahapon sa utak ko. It played like a horror movie in my head they all came crushing down on me. At naalala kong hindi na uli siya bumalik nang umalis siya hanggang sa sunduin na ako ng antok.

Maybe he didn’t want to be left alone here with me. Nay Julia wasn't here. Kahapon ang araw na umuuwi siya sa probinsiya nila.

Saan siya natulog kagabi? Kumain ba siya? Did he always stay out late?

Napabuntong-hininga ako. I really don't know anything about him anymore and I'm scared to ask him those simple questions that I used to ask him freely.

We weren’t like this... separated with huge space as if there's a thick wall between us that I couldn't break down. We used to have something precious. And that was gone now.

I could still remember that first day when we first met. It took one look and I knew I fell in love. And he smiled because he knew he caught me.

My heart always flutters whenever I thought of that and I couldn't help but smile again, even with tears. Memories like those were bittersweet because they only exist in my head. A fragment of the past that I couldn't relive.

Just then, I heard the door burst open and I almost jumped out of bed. “I see you’re not gone like I expected,” Alex said darkly, hovering by the door as he fixed me those glaring eyes.

I could see he just took a shower. Basa pa rin ang buhok niya at hindi pa maayos ang damit niya. His buttons were done half-way and he’s working with his sleeves like how he used to when he's bothered with something. Kailan pa siya dumating?

I looked at him warily as I scooted over the edge of the bed to properly face him. He wouldn't fling me down stairs, would he?

I laughed inwardly at my own silly thought. Hindi ganoon si Alex. He wouldn't hurt me like that, kahit pa muhing-muhi siya sa akin. Kahit pa gusting-gusto na niya akong paalisin rito.

He walked inside the room and paced near the window. He’s starting to make my head spin but I waited quietly until he stopped and continued rolling up his sleeves. “I believe your lawyer gave you the annulment papers I sent two years ago,” aniya sa napakalamig na tono, and I felt my blood run cold. “I want you to sign them immediately. I don't like to wait for another week or even a day for that paper to be processed.”

Tears sprang in my eyes but I bit my lip to keep myself from crying. I looked down and I realized I was clutching the blanket so tight I thought it would rip. It’s a good thing Alex wasn’t looking at me right now.

“A—” Tumigil agad ako nang maalalang ayaw niyang tawagin ko ulit siya sa ganoong pangalan. Ilang beses akong lumunok bago nagsalita. “Xander, kadarating ko pa lang. Hindi ba masaydo pang maaga? It could wait. Kaunting oras lang naman ang hihilingin ko.”

“You’ve already wasted three years of my time and I'm running out of patience,” he said so lazily while not even bothering to face me. But then, he stopped cuffing his sleeves for a moment and said, “But on second thought, since you’re here now, I guess I could spare you a week for saving me the tedious job of tracking you down.”

I ignored his bored tone and focused on what he said. A week. He’s giving me just a week to stay and to sign the paper. Yet I needed more than that. He couldn't really want me to disappear so soon.

Sadness tightened my chest. “We don't really need to annul this marriage. I know we can still save this. We can work this out. I'm here now. Iyon naman ang mahalaga ‘di ba?”

He turned and fixed me with those laser eyes again. His face was regal, hard, and uncompromising. “You really think I’d be so glad to see the woman who said she loved me and yet managed to walk away without even a backward glance? That I’d play a happy reunited family?”

I hated his words because they hurt, and they hurt because they’re true. But I couldn't let them hurt me. I had my reasons. And I needed to be strong.

I raised my chin and met his ice-cold eyes. I could crumble later. But not now. “I love you.” Even those words hurt me for it's truth. “And I still do. That's why I came back. I want to try to make this work. I want Us. Me and you. That's all I want.”

His laugh was full of contempt. Then instantly his face darkened with anger as if he wanted to commit a murder. “Don't make me laugh. There's no 'us'. You’re as good as a stranger to me right now. I know you came back because your conscience couldn't handle the guilt for fooling me, for deceiving me. What you did was a crime against me and you don't deserve to be forgiven. Not even a second chance. You want forgiveness? Well, you’ll never get it from me, Faith. Just be glad I’m giving you a week to sack your things and leave.”

His words cut through my body. I just said I love him and he didn't believe me. He still couldn't forgive me. What if I tell him the truth now? Would he forgive me then?

No, he still won't. He hates me too much because I hurt him too deep and he still bears that scar I left him. That's exactly why I couldn't leave him yet. I have to mend it and make him believe in love, in magic... to have faith and hope again. I want him to live even I wasn't here anymore to see it.

“I can't do that, Alex.”

For a second, I thought I saw him stiffened as if he couldn’t believe I was being a stubborn, thick-faced b***h. He folded his arms, his eyes turned assessing and forbidding. “I see what’s going on.” Tumawa siya nang pagak. “You came back because of the money from the annulment, is that it?”

I paled, because it’s true that I ran out of money and I needed money. But that’s not the reason why I came back. I didn’t want an annulment. But he already saw my reaction before I could stop his calculating mind.

“So, this was all part of your grand plan, I see.” He smiled grimly. “So predictable. So disgusting. I can't believe I married a gold-digger,” he spat those words like an acid burning my skin. I never thought that this day would come―that my husband would call me a gold-digger.

“Now don't look so wounded,” he said tauntingly. “I won't fall for that kind of poor trick anymore. If I knew how manipulative that innocent face could be, I wouldn't even look at you twice. I under-estimated you. And the joke was on me.”

His words were like daggers straight to my heart it paralyzed me. But he’s already reaching out to the door when I snapped out of it and grabbed him by the arm to keep him from leaving. Ngunit nagulat siya sa ginawa ko at hindi ko inaasahan ang naging reaksyon niya.

He suddenly pushed me away and I was thrown on the edge of bed. Then he looked at me with vehemence. “Don't touch me again. You disgust me!”

My mouth fell open. I was stricken and humiliated. My heart thudded against my ribs because of pain and my body just started to tremble. I knew I was going to cry but I fought hard against it. A fleeting expression passed across his face but it’s already gone before I could name it.

I tried to move my legs and quickly stood before him. Digging my nails against my palm, I forced myself to look at him again and my eyes met his cold ones. “I-I'm sorry,” I said, even if I didn't know what I was sorry for. “I just... I... I just wanted you to give me a chance. Please…” I breathed.

But he only looked at me with fury in his eyes. “Don't beg for a second chance. You're not even worth it.” He tried to walk out again, pero hinaranng ko ulit siya. I didn't bulk when he threw me an icy cold stare, even though my legs were already giving up on me.

I know I should just bury myself now from humiliation, but I wouldn't let him intimidate me. I threw away my pride long time ago. I didn't have much to lose anyway. But I’ll lose him forever if I don't do this and let him have his way. Right now, he’s the only part of me that I couldn't afford to lose.

“Just give me eight months,” I said, detesting the sound of desperation in my voice. “Seven. Seven months and I'll sign the papers.”

He looked surprised. But then his mind was already doing some calculations. “I'll give you one month.”

Ako naman ang nasurprisa. He’s actually accepting my bid. He’s giving me a chance.

A flutter of hope dispersed around my chest. “Six,” I insisted. I know I was taking advantage of what he’s offering but a month or two is not enough.

His lips pressed into a tight line and a visible muscle in his jaw flexed. “Four and that's all you're going to get, Faith. You’re in no position to negotiate.”

I swallowed as I acknowledged my weak disposition, but I can’t settle with that. “Alex―”

“Four months and you're gone. Take it or leave it,” he said with a finality in his voice. End of discussion.

I had to step away when he reached over to open the door and stepped out, not even bothering to pull it close.

I let out the breath I was holding as I looked at the space he left. Four months… I still have four months to get this right.

I only have four months to say goodbye.

* * * * *

PAGKATAPOS kong maligo at magbihis ay lumabas na ako ng kuwarto. Pagbukas ko ng pinto, alam ko na kung sino ang maagang gumagalaw sa kusina.

Excited na akong bumaba kasi namimiss ko na ang luto ni Nay Julia. Bata pa lang ako ay nagluluto na si Nay Julia sa pamilya namin. Para ko na rin siyang naging nanay nang mawala ang sarili kong mga magulang.

Naamoy ko na ang luto ni Nay Julia na sa hagdan pa lang ako. It was Alex's favorite. Pinakbet.

Sumilip ako sa kusina. "Nay, sa akin po ba iyan?"

Nahulog ni Nay Julia iyong hawak niyang sandok sa gulat nang makita ako. "Sus maryosep!" tinakpan niya ang bibig niya. Alam kong umiiyak na siya. Kaya lumapit na ako sa kanya. And I was welcomed with a warm bear hug.

My heart lurched in action. Because someone was glad to see me after what I did. Kaya pati ako ay nakiiyak din sa kanya. Nakakalungkot lang na pati siya ay kailangan ko ring iwan. "Na-miss niyo po ako ng sobra, no?"

"Pilya kang bata ka!" pinalo pa niya ako sa pang-upo ko. Natawa tuloy ako. "Pinag-alala mo kami ng husto. Ni hindi man lang namin alam kung saan ka namin hahanapin dahil hindi ka nag-iwan ng sulat. Alam mo ba kung ganong hirap ang dinanas ng asawa mo sa paghahanap sayo? Naku, ikaw talagang bata ka! Ano bang pumasok sa ulo mo at naisipan mong gawin ang kalokohang iyon?"

Kalokohan.

Iyon ba ang tawag sa ginawa ko?

I forced down that unwelcomed emotion I was so familiar with. "Nay Julia naman. Kadarating ko pa lang sesermunan niyo na ako kaagad?" I playfully pinch her wet cheeks.

Umiling-iling siya habang pinapahid ang gilid ng mata niya. "Pambihira kang bata ka. Nag-alala lang naman kami ng lubos sa iyo. Bigla ka na lang nawala. Ni walang nakakaalam kung saan ka nagpunta. Pati asawa mo halos mabaliw sa kakaisip sa iyo."

Bakit? Ano po ba ang nangyari kay Alex?

Iyon ang gusto kong itanong sa kanya pero ayokong ituloy. Dahil ayokong marinig ang isasagot niya. Ayokong marinig kung ano ang nangyari kay Alex pagkatapos ng ginawa ko. Ayokong pagsisihan ang naging desisyon ko.

Because that would make me selfish.

"Mabuti na lang at umuwi ka na, hija." Naging seryoso siya habang hinwakan ako sa kamay. "Dahil kung hindi ka pa dumating, hindi ko na alam kung ano na ang puwedeng mangyari kay Xander." I felt her squeeze my hands. And I returned them.

How could I tell her that if I never left, I would destroy him?

"Asan ka ba nagpunta at hindi ka man lang nila pinakain ng maayos. Ang payat-payat mo na." she said as she turned me around checking me up.

Pinigil ko iyong kamay niyang nagpadaan-daan sa katawan ko. "Nay, hindi po kasi kasing sarap ng luto nila iyong luto ninyo. Kaya minsan po, wala akong ganang kumain."

She eyed me. "Ikaw talaga. Nagagawa mo pang mambola sa lagay na ito. O siya, umupo ka na diyan at ihahain ko na itong niluluto ko." Pinaupo niya ako sa isang upuan at pinulot ang bumagsak na sandok at hinulog iyon sa lababo bago bumalik sa pagluluto. "Huwag kang magtitira ng kahit isang kanin. Ayaw kong may nasasayang na pakain."

Napangiti ako. "Alam ko po iyon, Nay. Kaya nga po umuwi ako eh."

She chuckled and then she looked over her shoulder and I saw the relief in her eyes... and something like gratitude.

Gratitude. She was grateful I came home. Bakit? Iniisip din kaya ni Nay Julia na kaya ako umalis dahil makasarili ako?

Maybe I was selfish. But that was entirely different...

I was torn between telling them the truth to save myself from this bitter criticism and from keeping it all myself to save them from hurting, again.

Maybe I should keep my silence. Mas gugustuhin ko na lang na isipin nila ang masasamang bagay na iyon tungkol sa akin kesa malaman ang totoo ngayon. Hindi ko naman kayang ibalik ang oras. Wala din silang magagawa kapag nalaman nila ang katotohanan.

And that would devastate them, knowing but doing nothing and watch me waste away.

Pero mas masakit sa akin ang panoorin silang nahihirapan. To know that they are helpless. Because I know how it feels to be helpless. Feeling scared and alone.

Yeah. Maybe that's for the best.

* * * * *

WALA akong ginawa buong maghapon kundi ang mag-ikot ng buong bahay. At nalaman ko na ginawang kuwarto ni Alex ang isa sa mga guest room namin, malapit sa study room niya.

Sa tingin ko, ang dalawang kuwartong iyon lang ang hindi ko pa nasisilip sa paglilibot ko. Hindi ko magawang pumasok dahil alam kong hindi magugustuhan ni Alex kapag nalaman niyang pumasok ako sa pribadong lugar niya sa bahay na ito, katulad din sa buhay niya.

Kaya mananatili ako rito sa labas hanggang sa dumating ang araw na handa na siyang patawarin ako.

What did I expect? Of course, Alex wouldn't want to sleep on a bed that would only remind him of his failure―Me.

He wouldn't want to spend a restless night dreaming a nightmare.

He wouldn't want to remember the wife who left him out in the cold.

He won't.

Nagpaulit-ulit sa utak ko iyong nangyari kaninang umaga. Kung pano niya ako naitulak dahil nandidiri siya sakin. I could still feel the bruise on my hip.

He’s so disgusted in me he never wanted me to come near him again, let alone touch him. He even called me a gold-digger because he thinks I came back because of his money. He’s thinking the worst of me. And he’ll always will in those coming four months. Or maybe forever.

Did he have any idea how painful that was?

Yes, he did. Because he was in pain for three years and he’s deliberately doing these to hurt me so it will lessen the pain I inflicted him. I guess I would be facing his bottled-up fury over me.

My heart clenched with pain. Life is indeed full of surprises.

One day you're happy and the next day you're crying. On days you live your dreams and fantasies but at night, you're living a nightmare. That’s why I had learned to let go of the things I loved dearly because I know what they will cost me if I lose them.

Hindi ko hiniling na magkaroon ng ganitong klaseng buhay. I never even dreamed of having a man like my husband. I wished nothing in any of these.

Yet God gave them to me as blessings. But there's no such thing as a free gift. He wanted something in return.

Me.

And this chance I only have, I will live it in every waking hours, every second of it with Alex. Even though I know he will never smile for me again.

* * * * *

NARAMDAMAN ko ang pagod pagsapit ng alastres ng hapon. Umakyat na ako sa kuwarto para makapagpahinga ako kahit saglit lang. Hinahabol na yata ako ng tulog dahil hindi ako nakatulog nang maayos kagabi dahil sa paghihintay ko kay Alex.

When my eyes fluttered close, a vivid memory swarmed in my sleepy head...

It was my wedding day―the only memory that always lulled me to sleep when I was in that terrible room.

Darkness swallowed my consciousness, and I drifted to sleep. And then I was back in that room—the horrid white room. Alone. The beautiful colorful flowers are gone. No more happy guests. No more Alex. And I wore no wedding dress.

I had to get out of there because if I didn't, I'd never leave. I could never escape... and I'd never see him again. But I couldn't seem to get off the bed. I could feel the belt tied around my arms and my feet, restraining me. The covers of the bed were trapping me.

I could her footsteps approaching and I know soon enough they’re coming to lock me in. Panic clawed inside and gripped me, making my body tremble and my heart beat faster. I started to scream, but there’s no sound coming out of my mouth. My voice was gone.

Terror froze my limbs. With scream strangled in my throat, I felt the salty hot tears fall down my face. And then I felt I was being shaken.

I came to consciousness and I realized two things at once; I was dreaming―that same dream and someone was shaking me. My eyes flew open and clashed immediately with the most unforgettable eyes I ever held. He’s looking down at me, impatience stamped all over his face.

I’m home, not in that awful room.

“What the hell's wrong with you? You’re almost screaming the whole place down,” Alex said with annoyance all over his voice but I didn't care. He’s so close to me and I just felt that overwhelming feeling to cling to something warm... from him.

The terror of the dream seemed so real that I still shuddered from it. But then I remembered his face when I touched him this morning. I jerked back from his hands and he quickly let me go.

“Anong oras na ba?” I asked instead, trying to hide my fears but my trembling voice betrayed me.

He looked at me for a moment before he glanced at my side table. “It’s half past eleven.”

“Ng gabi?” I frowned.

He nodded and stood up. “Pinuntahan ka ni Nay Julia kanina para kumain pero mahimbing raw ang tulog mo. So, I told her to leave you alone.” He studied me and then he asked harshly, “What just happened?”

Umiling ako at umiwas ng tingin. “Just... a bad dream. Hindi ko alam na sumisigaw ako kanina.” I tried to inhale some air to calm my nerves down. My hands were still trembling.

“Does that happen a lot?”

“No," mabilis kong sagot. “It’s just a random dream. It’s fine.” And I silently hoped it won’t happen again.

“Mabuti kung ganoon. Dahil ayokong nabubulabog ang tulog ko.”

By the time the door shut close, I laid down again and tried to close my eyes to go back to sleep again. But I feel too scared even to sleep.