A Second Chance with You

Chapter 4

Steven has a headache, he barely slept last night. It was a struggle to concentrate on every little task and he longed to be in bed instead of being in a room full of giggling freshmen. This is his first class today and yet, it felt like he’s been working for hours. He was late again, the third time this week. He inwardly groaned as he read off the names of his students. The registry indicated this class only had thirty-three students. He vaguely remembered it was created to accommodate late enrollees.

Great, the runt of the litter. He sighed as he called out the next name, marking the student as “Present” without looking at the person who responded.

He dreamed of her again. He could still hear her cries, still see the agony on her face as she begged. He could still hear her call his name. He suppressed a shudder. It’s been years and yet she still haunts him in his sleep. She’s still everywhere he turns. The guilt gnawing at him like rust on iron.

“Tuazon, Anthony?” He called and marked the name when he heard the response.

He looked at the next student’s name and froze. No. I was just thinking about her again, that’s all. And yet, there’s her name. He swallowed hard.

“Valderama, Kristine Cassandra.” He whispered, heart in his throat.

He looked up, his eyes were drawn to her. Their eyes met. And he was hit by a wave of memories like a speeding truck. It was all he could do to keep himself from getting up and taking her in his arms. And yet, the look in her eyes was enough to keep him where he sat. They were full of hurt, accusations, surprise, and anger. It was staggering to be on the receiving end of such a look. It took a lot of willpower to repeat her last name.

“Valderama?” He wasn’t even sure why he’s asking. He knew exactly where she was. With a great effort, he tore his eyes away and looked down. He couldn’t look into those eyes anymore. Her pain is too much. The pain he caused. Does he also have to pretend he can’t see her? Hadn’t he done enough damage?

“Absent?” He asked, knowing full well she’s not.

KC snapped out of her trance and said, “here” very quietly.

Steven marked her name without another comment, not looking at her. There were whispers all around, some of the other students were snickering. He wanted to punch their faces for laughing at her.

She’s here. She is really here, his mind is screaming with joy. After nine years of not seeing her, here she sat in front of him. A single step and she will be in his arms, like so many times before. He would feel her soft skin against his, smell her fragrance he loved so well, touch her silky hair... But he couldn’t. He shouldn’t.

He didn’t know how he was able to finish checking class attendance. He wasn’t sure where he got the energy to get up and write on the board, nor did he know how he was able to convey what he wanted to. He can feel her stare boring into his back.  After giving an assignment, he dismissed them unable to stand her presence any longer, so close yet out of reach. With a hurried goodbye, he was out of the door before the class realized what happened as though he was being chased by demons. His feet brought him to the Faculty Room by default. There was no one there, he dismissed his class half an hour early. In a trance, he sat on the couch.

KC is here. His heart swelled with happiness. And then remembered the last time he saw her in person.

“I’m glad you’re okay. I couldn’t contact you. Where have you been? Are you okay?” KC asked urgently, hugging him.

He gently prised her arms off him, keeping his expression blank. In response, he said, “we need to talk.”

“Okay.” She replied slowly, a look of concern on her face. “Let’s go somewhere else, it looks like it’s going to rain.” She suggested looking up at the darkening skies.

Luneta Park looked quite empty, especially for a weekend. Most people choosing to stay at home because of the weather. It’s their favorite place hang out on weekends, spending hours at a time just walking around, sitting underneath the trees, and most times watching the sunset by the Manila Bay. A haven in the middle of the metro. But now, it will bear witness to the end of something beautiful.

“We should’ve met at a restaurant or your place. That looks like a heavy downpour. Let’s go.” She said.

He ignored the slight tremor in her voice, knowing she was beginning to sense something is horribly wrong.

“I wanted to meet here.” He told her. She looked up at him in confusion.

“Steve,” she began, sounding frightened. “What’s going on? What’s wrong?” She touched his arm.

He took a step back, away from her touch. She looked at him, stunned. He has never avoided her this way. Never.

“I think we need to end this. I want out.” He said in a cold tone.

She stared up at him uncomprehendingly. He might as well be speaking in a foreign language. And she told him as much.

“I don’t understand,” KC said slowly. “Did I do something wrong?” She asked, her voice brittle.

It had started to rain, soaking them instantly. Despite this, they remained facing each other. Ignoring the pellets of rain hitting their faces, the cold wind freezing them. Neither noticed the lightning momentarily illuminating the already dark park.

“I’m getting tired of pretending.” He lied. “I want out.”

“Pretending?” She repeated blankly. “What do you mean? Why are you doing this?” She demanded, her voice rising in anger.

“I don’t love you, I never did. I just felt sorry for you.” These words felt like blades on his tongue.

KC stood in front of him wide-eyed, her eyes betrayed the pain he was causing her. Her tears being washed away by the rain pouring down on them.

“That’s not funny, Steve.” She said, her voice low. She took another step towards him, a hand outstretched.  Again, he stepped away. He wouldn’t be able to get through this if she touched him.

“I wasn’t joking.” He said, his voice cold and harsh.

She shook her head in denial. Looking up at him with pleading eyes. He wanted to take the words back. He wanted to wrap his arms around her and tell her she’s the most wonderful woman he ever met. That he wanted her to be his for the rest of his life. Instead, he steeled himself and willed himself to spew out the lies.

“I wanted to see how easy it will be. How easy you will be. I didn’t expect you will believe me right away. It became quite boring, to be honest.” He wanted to kill himself for saying these horrendous words to her.

“Two years, Steve. We’ve been together two years, what are you talking about?” Her voice broke.

“Yes, two years and now I’m bored. I stayed because it was fun, you were fun. I thought I’d eventually learn to love you. I was attracted to you, I mean you’re pretty but now, I just can’t do it anymore.” I’m sorry, KC. This is the only way I know to keep you safe.

She slapped him hard. She didn’t say another word as she took a few steps back and turned on her heels to run away from him. Away from his life.

He was shaken from his reverie by a hand on his shoulder. He looked up and found Mark staring at him, a look of concern etched all over his face.

“Huh?”

“I asked how you were. You said you had another headache earlier.” Mark said.

“Oh. Yeah, headache. My head is aching.” No, it’s my heart, not my head.

“Dude. You need to have that checked. You probably have insomnia, man. Maybe even migraine, heck you could have a brain tumor.” Mark said with no hint of a jest at all. 

Steven sighed. “No, I’m cool. I’ll be fine in a bit.” He replied, more aware of the conversation this time.

He was reliving that night. And this is not the best place to do it, he told himself sternly. He shook his head trying to clear it. It felt too real, he can almost feel the rain on his skin. Like he was back in the place where he felt like his life has ended. In a way, he felt like his life did end. And all these years he’s just a zombie, walking around aimlessly.

But now, he felt like he was slapped awake. For the first time since that night, he is aware of himself. Yet, he’s never been more confused as well. What does this mean? How will this change his life? Does he have a choice in this? Does he even need to do anything? He buried his face in his hands.

Mark seemed unaware of the turmoil in his mind. “If you say so. Just have that checked if it persists. It’s affecting your work and it could endanger your life considering you drive to and from here.” He heard Mark say. He’s completely forgotten that he’s not alone in the room.

Steven just nodded to indicate he understood. His mind, however, is already far away from the conversation. It wasn’t even in the same room. If he was being honest with himself, he wanted to see KC in person again. He wanted to know that it was not a dream, that she was really here. And the thought that he will see her every other day, possibly even more frequent, was both exciting and terrifying. It is a huge university and there are at least over fifteen thousand students on the campus on any given day yet she was placed in his class.

What am I doing? I should be staying away from her. After everything that’s happened. After everything I said… But his heart refused to cooperate. The memories flashing through her mind like a movie. The first day he met her, the way she smiled, he missed everything about her. Her hair is longer than it had been the last time he saw her. But she’s still the same beautiful woman he knew and loved. The same heart-shaped face, the same delicate built yet exudes such inner strength. He closed his eyes in anguish as he remembered the feel of her in his arms, of her lips against his, of her touch as she sighed his name...

This is wrong. I can’t be near her. He sighed and caught sight of Mark who was busy eating a sandwich and reading something on his laptop. An idea came to him.

“Hey, bro,” he began. “What do you have on MWF, at 7 am?

Mark looked up, confused. “Biopsychology.”

Perfect. “I’ve got freshmen, Introduction to Psychology. Do you think we can swap?” He asked not sure if he wanted him to agree.

“Um, I don’t think we can do that. Why do you want to swap anyway?” He asked curiously.

He wasn’t sure how to answer. What can he say? Because the woman I love, whom I broke up with, and hurt so badly is in that class? Because I’m afraid that if I keep seeing her, I won’t be able to stop myself? Instead, he replied, “Nothing. I just wanted to teach Biopsych, that’s all.”

Mark didn’t seem convinced. He stared at him suspiciously but decided to let it go. “You can ask next semester. Besides, your class is in Saint Andrew Building, right? Man, this is the first time in three semesters that I don’t need to hurry between that building and CS, so even if I can, I don’t think I want to.” He continued apologetically. Then c****d his head, looking shrewdly at him. “You sly dog, that’s why you want to switch don’t you?” He asked indignantly.

Steven pretended to be busted and said, “you got me” while trying to look sheepish.

“Sorry pal. No can do. You gotta suck it up. Besides, you do runs on the weekends, right? You can handle it.” Mark teased.

He pretended to laugh. Mark shook his head and prepared to leave.

“You coming? Don’t you have a class as well?” He asked by the door.

Reluctantly, Steven got up to follow him out.

“Where’s your next one?” Mark asked as they descended the steps.

“CS.” He replied, head still aching. “You?” He asked back.

“SV.”

“All right, see you later then.” He said as they reached the ground floor.

“You want to hang out later? Alfred wanted to grab a few drinks after work. Eddie said he’d go too.” Mark told him.

He shook his head lightly, “No. I think I better sleep this one off and get my bearings for tomorrow. Maybe next time.”

Mark shrugged. “All right. Next time then. I’ll tell the guys you’re meeting a pretty lady.” He said with a wicked.

He laughed and thought, already did. Instead, he replied, “Whatever man.” and headed in the direction of his next class. He rarely pays attention to his surroundings, but today he found himself scanning the crowd.

He was glad when the day finally ended. The urge to go to the Registrar’s office to get her schedule became stronger as the day progressed. He wanted to see her again so badly. He had a mad desire to open each classroom just to check if she’s there. After almost a decade of not seeing her in person, the knowledge that she’s in the same university, maybe even in the same building tormented him. The joy teaching normally brings him was non-existent and he found it difficult to concentrate. He knew he can’t get involved with her again, but he can’t stop himself from hoping.