A Second Chance with You

Chapter 10

Steven watched as KC walked away. He felt safer watching her from a distance, knowing that he would not be able to stop himself from approaching if he was anywhere near her. But he had been unable to keep himself from letting her see him. And as expected, she runs away whenever she saw him. It tore his heart to see the repulsion on her face when he tried to offer his help. It felt like a knife twisting in his chest. The way her expression hardened upon seeing him standing behind her as she went to class this morning. The coldness in her tone. Seeing her cry as she sat on a school bench was difficult. All he wanted was to fly to her side and wipe those tears away. Hold her close, let her know she’s safe, that whatever caused her grief will never do so again. To make her laugh again. It bothers him not knowing what caused her sadness. He used to be the shoulder she can cry on but now, all he ever did was watch her from a distance. Afraid to get too near. He missed her smile so bad, he expected her to smile back as he stood by the door. But she never did. She just turned her back on him like she always did nowadays. Always walking away from him, pausing just enough to give him a contemptuous look. He deserved nothing from her but he would rather be hit by a speeding truck than see the hate in her eyes and know that it was directed at him.

How would she react if she knew that he learned her schedule? She probably has some inkling, being the smart person she is. She still walked in the same absent-minded manner. It was both endearing and annoying, knowing she could get into an accident. But that was how he met her. Hadn’t she been walking without a care in the world and almost sent the two of them face-first into the asphalt? He can almost feel her arms as he grasped them reflexively to keep her from falling. Her long fragrant hair was smooth against his skin.

He should be in class but he stood there and watched until she disappeared from view before heading back to work in resignation.

“Hey, man. Do you still have a soft copy of that Alfred Adler book?” Mark asked. They were in the faculty room, preparing to go home.

Steven sat, staring blankly at his laptop. The worksheet in front of him empty of the scores he was supposed to be recording. Mark walked over to him, looking at him closely.

“Hey, are you okay? Did you hear me?”

“Huh?” He looked up at his friend, confused.

Mark sighed, looking amused. “Who is she?”

Steven frowned. “Who is who?”

“The woman who turned you into this mindless i***t, staring off into space. Is she beautiful? Where did you meet her?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He denied, averting his gaze.

“Oh, c’mon! This is obviously about a lady. Who’s the lucky girl who finally captured my friend’s elusive heart?” Mark teased, sitting across him.

“I’m just tired.” He lied, closing his laptop. He’d finish this at home, hopefully with a cold beer or two within reach.

“Uh-huh.” His friend intoned skeptically. “If you don’t want to talk about it, fine. But, dude! This is beginning to affect your work. I heard you were late for your noon class today. The checker already passed your room when you arrived.”

Steven hardly cared but he nodded. “Thanks, man. I’m okay. I got to go, I need to pick up my laundry.”

“Alright. If you need me, just let me know, okay?” Mark said, sounding concerned.

“I know. Thanks.”

He stood up and hurried out of the room, avoiding his friend’s stare. Mark is his best friend, the only person he trusts the most other than KC but he’s not ready to share his story yet. Ashamed to admit that he gave up his relationship because he was pressured by his brother. Even in his mind, it sounded lame.  Mark will side with him, of course, he was sure of it. He would offer sensible advice and gripe about James. He didn’t need to know the details of his older brother’s treatment of him to know that he suffered. He saw it firsthand.

Steven had invited him to dinner his parents hosted. They just came from their graduation ceremony, both of them have earned their Master’s degree in Psychology. It was a lavish dinner at a five-star restaurant, the place was cozy and expensive. Eileen has made the reservation weeks prior without telling him, aware that he would decline if he knew. He watched James warily, noticing the anger behind his smiles. He’d seen it enough times to know that he will not let this pass. He was once again the center of attention, his parents spending a ton of money on him. Their gift was more extravagant than the opulent dinner. They bought him a brand new SUV to replace his Honda Civic. At one point during the main course, he got up to visit the lavatory. James followed him, slamming him against the wall when he was sure no one was around. Hissing in his ear like an angry snake. Both men were unaware that someone else was there to witness the confrontation, Mark stood behind the huge indoor plant, looking on in horror. But Steven was no longer afraid of James. After he lost KC, his fear was replaced by anger. Deep seething anger that he had to hurt and leave the woman he loves. James had the gall to taunt him for weeks when it ended and it was all he could do not to fight back. He did the same that night. He met his brother’s gaze calmly, hating everything about him. But he did not rise. He did not retort nor gave any indication of his rage. This was his brother, their parents would be heartbroken if they fought. So he took it in and when he was done with his verbal assault, James stormed inside the men’s room. Leaving him standing there, trembling. Not with fear but with suppressed anger. He turned to see Mark emerge from behind the plant, his face ashen. They never spoke about the incident or rather, Steven never entertained his attempts at discussing what he witnessed.

He drove home, tormented. He was desperate to be near KC but he felt so conflicted about it all that for the first time, he considered confiding in his friend. That’s what friends are for, isn’t it? How can he say that Mark is his best friend if he knew nothing about him other than what’s on the surface?

He arrived at his apartment and immediately went to his room. The painting occupied the middle of his accent wall, bringing life to the rather dull gray paint.

She brings life to all things she touched, he mused. Even my dark and boring life.

And like a comet, she shot through the sky once more, illuminating his stark world. What he wouldn’t give to be facing the real one tonight. After years of being away from her, he learned to accept that he missed his chance, that she’s gone from his life for good. Seeing her in person erased that notion only to be replaced by a deep desire to be near her. Yearning, yes, he was yearning for her. He lost her once by his own doing. And now, it seems the universe decided that their paths should meet again. Is it foolish to hope for another chance to be with her? If he told her the truth, would she believe him? Would she accept him? Looking at her image, he was sure of one thing. He does not have the strength to stay away from her anymore.

“Good morning class,” Steven said as he entered the room. The class echoed his greeting. He sat down and took out his laptop and the graded papers he already recorded.

“Ms. Valderama?” He called casually.

She looked up in surprise. 

“Can you hand these to the owners and collect the papers I assigned last Monday, please?” He asked KC, looking directly at her. She gazed at him looking stunned, her mouth slightly ajar.

Yes, love. I’m talking to you.

He patiently waited. When she didn’t react, her seatmate nudged her gently. She blinked and got up with an embarrassed expression on her face. Her gaze was fixed on his table as she approached, avoiding eye contact. He purposefully held the stack of papers by the middle and felt her fingers brush against his as she took them. He watched intently as she blushed in response.

Hm. I’m right, she’s still affected by me.

“Thanks.” He smiled at her brightly.

She looked confused as she turned her back on him, leafing through the papers. He wanted to watch her every move but did not want to draw the class’s attention to her so he powered up his laptop and prepared the Powerpoint presentation for today’s discussion, waiting for her to finish with her task.

When she approached his desk again, she was determinedly staring at a spot just above his head. “Here you go, sir.” She said quietly as she placed the papers on the table.

“Thank you, Ms. Valderama.” She nodded in acknowledgment, still not meeting his eyes, and hurried back to her seat.

“Okay. Let me check class attendance first, then we can continue where we left off last Monday.” When he reached her name, he cheerfully said, “Ms. Valderama is here” as he marked her present. He glanced in her direction. She was resolutely looking down at her book, almost stooped. She made a curtain out of her hair to shield her face.

He sighed. All he wants to do is look at her all day but they’re surrounded by over thirty barely adults. He needed to focus and get through the lesson, then maybe he can talk to her alone. Would it be obvious to ask her to stay after the class? He’ll worry about that when he has to.

“Last meeting,” he began, “we were able to cover historical approaches in psychology. Do you still remember what they were?” He consulted his attendance tracker and called a random name.

“Functionalism?” The student replied tentatively.

“Are you asking?” He asked good-naturedly. He chuckled when the student's face went blank. “Kidding. That’s correct. Five points for you.” He made a note of it. “What else?” He smiled as several hands went up.

If this subject is being taught by any other professor, her hand would be among them, he realized. This is her major after all. She probably would want to answer every question the professor would throw. He knew how interested she was in the subject based on the paper she submitted for their first assignment. He wondered if her decision to take up Psychology was influenced by their past. He had shared a lot about it with her when they were together. He called another student instead, who answered correctly.

“Awesome. What’s your last name?”

“Tuazon, sir.”

“Tuazon, five points for you too.” He said as he made another note. “Just reminding you all that recitation is 10% of your grade, so please make sure that you participate.” He suppressed a smirk as he saw KC sat straighter in her seat at this. Challenge accepted?

“Right, so I asked you to look up names of Contemporary Psychologists, which you already submitted. Now, let’s see if you remember them. Can you give me a name and what their theory is about? Five points each correct answer. If you get 100 points by the end of the semester, you get 10%.” Several hands went up. His heart leaped when he saw that her hand was among them. He resisted the urge to call her first and pointed to the other girl seated beside her.

“Abraham Maslow. He came up with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.”

“Excellent. You’re Ms. Martinez, right?” He verified.

“Yes, sir.” She replied.

“Okay. Another one?” He chanced another glance at KC to see that she still had her hand raised but she was frowning. He wondered why.

“Ms. Valderama, I assume you have several as this is your major. Just give me one, please.” He smiled at her, teasing.

She frowned even more at that. “Well, my favorite so far is Sigmund Freud, Psychoanalytic or psychodynamic theory.”

 Interesting choice, he thought. “Perfect! Thanks for that. Anyone else?” Several hands went up again. He forced himself to focus on them, noticing that KC was looking down again, hiding her face behind her hair. He continued discussing the chapter and walked towards the back so he can safely look toward her direction without being too obvious about it. By the end of the period, he realized he can’t always use this tactic.

His mouth was dry as he sat back on his desk with a little over five minutes before the end of the period. His palms were sweaty, pulse racing as he tried not to think too much of what he was about to do.

“Okay. I won’t give you an assignment today because I want you to review the first chapter. We will have a quiz on Friday. You may go.” There was a collective groan at this announcement as the students prepared to leave the room.

“Ms. Valderama? Can you stay for a few minutes, please?” He asked, trying to look unconcerned. It was too late to back out now. The ones still in the room cast curious glances at them. He pretended to be busy putting his things back in his bag.

“Um… bye Ate KC.” He heard Joan Martinez say.

“Bye.” She replied.

Did she seem nervous?

He waited until the classroom was empty. She was still sitting in her chair, looking uncertain and wary. Now that he’s alone with her, he had no idea what to say.

She got up but did not approach, her bag slung on her shoulder. “You wanted to speak to me, sir?”

He can hear the disdain in her tone. “Um, yes.”

She waited. When he didn’t say anything more, she broke the silence again. “What do you want to speak to me about, sir? I need to get to my next class.”

How can she make a single word sound so sarcastic? “I… um… I wanted to…” What did he want to say?

She stared at him, confusion evident on her face.

“I just wanted to congratulate you on being able to go back to college. I know you wanted to do that for years and now you’ve done it.” He finally said in a calm tone he does not feel.

She looked at him incredulously. “That’s why you wanted me to stay after class?” She asked in a flat tone. Always a danger sign, like the calm before the storm.

He didn’t think this through at all, he realized. Still, she’s here. “Yeah and to ask how you are.”

“I’m fine, thanks. Is that all?” She asked, clearly wanting to leave.

“Yeah. That’s all.” No, it is not! I missed you! He wanted to tell her.

“Okay. Bye, sir.” She turned to leave.

“Wait!” Steven called, hating how panicked his voice sounded. He really should just let her leave.

She turned to face him again, her expression guarded. He almost lost his nerve. It used to be so easy to talk to her.

“Yes?” She prompted.

“I was wondering if you’d like to have dinner with me later.” He said, keeping his trembling hands under the table.

Several emotions played on her face as he watched. Shock, confusion, disbelief, uncertainty, and to his great dismay, anger.

She closed her eyes, breathing deep as though trying to keep herself in check. When she looked at him again, she spoke in a barely controlled voice. “I’ll speak to you as if I’m not your student since you’re obviously crossing a line here.” She began, her voice low and deliberate. “What are you doing, Steven?”

He froze. It’s been a while since he heard her say his name. He never expected how painful it would be to hear her say it with such hatred. He swallowed hard before responding. “I’m asking you out to dinner.”

He knew that wasn’t what she’s asking but at the moment he didn’t know how to explain what he wanted.

“Why?” She seemed exasperated.

“Because I want to have dinner with you and talk.” He said simply.

She moistened her lips with her tongue, the way she does when she’s upset. This has always been a red flag, Steven remembered. She heaved a sigh then said, “I’d rather not, Professor.” She turned on her heels and left the room before he could say anything else. He watched her leave, feeling like someone was twisting his insides.

“That could’ve gone better.” He told himself aloud. “All right. I need a new plan then.”